Yorkilover             
 


| VIEWING 1 - 10 OUT OF 24 TOTAL

[ <<] | 1 | 2 | 3 [ >>]

Warning Venting!!!
DATE: May 18 2012, 10:53 am / MOOD: Angry

I am just so so fed up with everything & almost everyone right now! I finally got my access & right MA card after they sent the wrong one...the problem now the place that said they could see me within a week is now not taking clients for several months like 3-4 maybe!!! Idk where else to go that takes MA I am so pissed that I talked to them like 10 times, went over all the horrible stuff that made me have panic attacks for days,they promised me a spot knowing full well I really really needed to be seen & couldn't afford anywhere else so then I call up & get this rude lady who doesn't seem to give a sh*t about anyone!!!!!!!!!!! It was all I could do just to say good bye politely before I said something I would regret. U think someone at a place like that would have a little more compassionate! I think she needs to find a new job. Plus still having med troubles after many many calls finally got my pcp to prescribe my Effexor until I figure a psychiatrist out thankfully although that brought up lots of other questions with him. Just so tired of this sh*t . I need more than Effexor my depression is getting worse again having some not so good thoughts of wanting to self harm again & the o.c.d is driving me up a wall!!!!!!!!! I can't keep just making it by every day it isn't working I can't even begin to work on healing because I am so busy just getting through the next 5 minutes without losing my mind . Why doesn't anyone see how bad it really has gotten? I have had several mini meltdowns the last few days where I just feel completely overwhelmed & like I am not gonna make it through the night without being picked up by men in little white coats!!!!!!!!!!!!! It is the worst feeling I have ever experienced up until now in my life. Such deep emotional & physical pain I need a hug or to just be held but no one in this house would do it & it wouldn't help anyway. End up in the fetal position many many times a day just hoping & praying for the end to come to relieve my pain but it doesn't!!!!!!!!!! Past the point of wanting to die I just want to cease to exist at all...not sure if that makes any sense it is a very weird feeling of being disconnected from yourself! How do u all do it day in & day out???



View Entry | Leave A Comment


So tired of Not sleeping!!!
DATE: Apr 20 2012, 9:16 am / MOOD: Angry

I can't sleep at night & it isn't always from thinking to much...most nights I am laying there thinking I want to sleep & nothing else!!! I have tried Trazadone,Ambien, & Rispiridone each being worst than the last the 1st ones kept me up all night long & the last one made me feel like I was loseing my mind . I can't take sleeping pills they screw me up more! I have tried sticking to a strict routine but it doesn't help,takeing a nap or not takeing a nap but neither makes a difference except when I don't I am worse off...but at this point I can't even sleep during the day like I used to be able to!!!! I am sleeping like 2 hours a night on a good night how sad is that!?! I also don't sleep through that 2 hours I wake up several times & have vivid dreams which means I am not getting through my rem cycle like Ever!!!!!!!!! I am so freakin forgetful I can even forget things mid sentence even writing it down doesn't help cause I forget where i put the note or just totally forget what I was thinking about period & it could be days later till I remember again! It is really starting to scare me . I don't want to live my life this way but what can I do if the sleep meds don't work for me & I can't sleep myself!?! It is like an unending cycle of torture...I can go for weeks on end before I crash which is like 3 hours of sleep so it isn't even that much more really!!!!!!! I am at the end of what I can take almost here! People need sleep obviously it messes with u physically,emotionally, & psychologically if u don't sleep!!! And i already have about 3-4 mental health diagnoses' so sleep is even more important because it really really makes things worse when I don't. I feel like I am loseing my mind & am about to have a nervous breakdown at any minute now!!!!!!!!!!!



View Entry | Leave A Comment


Lots of phone callls & med changes!!!
DATE: Apr 12 2012, 11:24 am / MOOD: Don't know

So much has been going on where to start!?! Still messing around with the MA stuff it seems to be takeing forever to get straightened out & all the papers filled out by the right people & returned!!! Think things may be almost done now though (keeping my fingers crossed). Got a packet in the mail saying I have to choose the plan & the pcp I want so think that is a good thing. I have callled that poor lady like every week for the last 4 weeks straight but that is the Only way to get it done faster it seems . Still have tio wait until everything gets settled to see the new psychiatrist which is freaking me out since the other appointment is fast approaching & I can't afford to go there again. Tried another sleep medicine which made me almost lose my mind quite literally was prescribed Lunesta instead but at $60 dollars for 10 pills I can't be takeing it so not sure what is gonna happen with that! My parents are still pushing for me to go to counseling every other week which really isn't realistic at this point but don't have much of a choice right now...hopeing to get into some partial or outpatient programs useing the MA so that should make it somewhat easier if it ever gets all straightened out that is!!!!! So numb it is crazy I can't take anything in whether good or bad I am back in survival mode which I hate because it means I have to focus on just getting through each day & can't take steps to help the issues causeing all of this because it will overwhelm me to much....so stuck in that vicious circle again . At least I have some more support people at this time & being numb helps me not get as worked up when my parents say mean things I just don't really care anymore!!!!!!!!! of course I am not processing correctly but at least I am makeing it through each new hour & not as tempted to just give up on it All . Well that's all I have the energy to write at the moment will try to get back on but we will see if it happens or not.



View Entry | Leave A Comment


Up's & down's!!!
DATE: Mar 31 2012, 9:24 am / MOOD: Fearful

On Monday it will be 2 weeks since I came home from the hospital in the last 2 weeks things have been crazy! I am trying to make so many changes & at times it gets overwhelming . I am so scared of getting into another downward spiral!!!!! Each time I feel a twinge of depression I get freaked out that it is happening again. I don't Ever want to be in that dark place again!!!!! Things aren't helped by my parents who are Not supportive at all in fact just the opposite they try to tear me down every chance they get & make things harder on me if they can . Why must they do that to me? I thought me putting myself in the hospital would show them their really was a problem but it hasn't...they think I did it to hurt them & the Dr's were just pretending to treat me! Why the heck would the Dr's do that? They don't let u check into the hospital unless u really need to be there!!!!!!!!! I wish for once they would just believe me & not make it all about them....this wasn't about them it was about me!!!!!!!!! Working on getting MA the card should come in a few days & then my medication & psychiatrist will be covered so won't have to fight them on that anymore which will be a huge help & relief. Just need to figure out how to pay for my gas & counselor yet & then they can get off my back about the money all the time. Need advice on how to deal/live with so much negativity... until I can work enough to save up some money & get the heck out of this place.



View Entry | Leave A Comment


Stress,stress, & more stress!
DATE: Mar 24 2012, 9:11 am / MOOD: Angry

The day began for me by hearing my parents fighting & then as soon as I came down the stairs it turned to pissing at me!!! Can't I just have 2 minutes to wake up? Don't they realize that kind of crap is what made me need to check in to the hospital in the 1st place & just being home that I need a calm environment? They just don't get it at all it seems. I thought their child needing to check herself into the psych ward would help them realize this is real but it really hasn't changed them 1 little bit...they are just as angry as ever,everything is still all about them, & they resent even Hate me for doing this to them!!! I didn't do a darn thing to them me checking into the hospital was for me & my health/safety not about them at All!!!! Seriously get over yourself already...it is not all about them. When are they gonna get that??? Had to hear how angry they are about counseling & me seeing a psychiatrist which isn't my fault or up to me the hospital ordered it they would Not let me come home unless I signed papers stating I would go to counseling weekly & see a psychiatrist to manage my medication so they can be mad at the hospital Not me! If the hospital finds it necessary then they should just accept it & move on they also consented/agreed to uphold the counseling & psychiatrist! I am truly sorry it is a financial burden says them but I am doing my best to apply for programs & assistance with it these things just take time...u can't make them go any faster unfortunately. Anyone have any ideas how to deal with my parents? I have tried all I know how to do & it hasn't worked .



View Entry | Leave A Comment


Crazy couple of days!!!
DATE: Mar 19 2012, 5:43 pm / MOOD: Tired

Well their is so much to write but gonna keep it brief. Basically I went into the hospital on Thursday night & came home today it was overwhelming at 1st but a good thing in the end! So happy to be home & able to sleep in my own bed but also really missing my new friends that I made & all the support & groups I had access to. I am now automatically qualified for Medical Assistance which is good because it will allow me to get into some of the programs I need to be in . I have to see a psychiatrist for my meds it was a condition of being released & I have to go see someone I saw before that I didn't like one little bit but after the 1st visit I am not seeing her I am demanding someone else!!!! Pretty much I did the hospital stay to get the MA,get away from my parents, & get my medication adjusted...which is extreme but I really had no other choice . I got a lot out while there...although not something I want to repeat ever again if possible!!!!!!! I will keep in touch with my friends hopefully got names,addresses, etc. So I see my therapist on Wednesday again & hopefully will have a chance to process all this somewhat. I am sure it will all hit me soon not looking forward to that but it has to happen sometime so why Not now. But at least I got the support I needed out of it & some really good,understanding friends for life that no matter what happens they will still care about me because we went through so so much together!!!!! I will write more later just can't right now it is all still really fresh.



View Entry | Leave A Comment


It went from bad to worse & then to a whole new level of worse yesterday!!!
DATE: Mar 15 2012, 8:56 am / MOOD: Fearful

I can honestly say it was the worst day of my whole life yesterday!!! I went to counseling which was good as usual but then towards the end I mentioned that I was seriously considering hurting myself & was thinking more specific things instead of general & she got really worried by that & was like do u need to go to the hospital? Well I couldn't really give her an answer I didn't want to but wasn't sure if I should anyway so we went over it & then she asked the standard can u promise u will be safe until next week which I couldn't truthfully say . So we kept talking about it & got to the place where I could promise her I wouldn't do anything last night & I go back to see her at 12 today!!! Which I have no way of paying for & my parents aren't gonna pay for it for sure!!! And a debt collector just called for something that was supposedly taken care of I do not have 5,200 dollars...I don't even have 100 dollars to my name right now . So I have no clue what I am gonna do right now...I should probably just go into the hospital but that is only a temporary fix & I really don't know that it will help other than getting me away from my parents for a few days!!!! I have no options left right now!!!!!! I have no money so even if they give me medication & set me up with some groups for support I can't pay for them & my parents have stopped caring even 1% at this point. I am drowning with no one to save me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



View Entry | Leave A Comment


Finally just did it!!!
DATE: Mar 13 2012, 6:25 am / MOOD: Fearful

Well i finally did it I went ahead & made an appointment to see someone at the abuse center . I have an appointment on Friday...it is stressing me out so much & I have a very strong urge to call up & cancel!!! Last night it was all I could think about & was up until almost 5 am thinking about it & various other things. I did get a good feeling from the lady when she called though she seemed very nice & genuinely interested....we will see how it goes. I was impressed she could get me in this week already. So keeping more secrets oh well it has become my life not because I want it to be that way but because it has to be that way or I will get yelled at & berated constantly!!!!! Will write more later.



View Entry | Leave A Comment


Stressed out,Overwhelmed, & Numb!
DATE: Mar 08 2012, 6:21 pm / MOOD: Anxious

So I finally finished my medical assistance papers late last night would have been done sooner but family members were dragging their feet on giving me the information I needed as usual . Why must they make everything 10 times harder than it needs to be? I have enough other things going on without them getting in the way. Sent the papers off today so hopefully within a week I should get a letter saying whether I am accepted or denied . If I am denied I still have options it will just be a pain to have to waste more time filling out more papers plus the other option won't cover the same places & possibly not as good...but I can't afford any of them on my own so it is the only choice I have right now! Why are these types of programs so expensive? U think helping people would be enough but no they have to get rich as well! Have had my mind spinning for days now & not sure how to make it stop!!! I am quickly running out of money & time!!!!!! I can hardly afford gas to get me to counseling even if my parents pay for the counseling anymore. Looking for a job but with my medical issues the options are limited which isn't helping in an already hard job market. So I have no clue how I am gonna pay for gas, or my prescriptions anymore . And since my parents are threatening to take away counseling as well I am feeling like just shoot me now!!!!!!! I don't know what to do I am at my breaking point with no where to go even if I get into a program I can't afford gas for 4 days a week! Their is no way out of this situation....this is rock bottom!!!!!!! And my parents don't give a damn anymore if I can't sleep,eat, or just get through 1 day without wanting to just end it because their is no way out. And don't freak out I am not suicidal I am in the phase of God just kill me, run my car into a tree, something quick,pain free, & that doesn't hurt anyone else!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



View Entry | Leave A Comment


Feeling so much pressure & stress!
DATE: Mar 02 2012, 6:38 pm / MOOD: Anxious

So taking some steps to get the help I need which is just about pushing me over the edge! Mostly since my parents feel the need to try & discourage or stop me at every single turn. I am applying for medical assistance but they say it won't work,they don't want me going to free therapy groups, or pretty much anything else I suggest!!! Working with my counselor to hopefully get into a DBT group soon I feel it would be the best place for me & it will most likely be covered cpmpletely which is always a good thing. I also took the 1st very big & scary step of calling a center for abuse today the lady was nice as could be which helped somewhat but the way things have been going lately I pretty much expect everyone to let me down or stab me in the back . She was the 1st step she will now with my permission call the center she is just a volunteer to talk to 1st... I guess so you can talk to someone immediately & not wait! So in a few days I should hear back from a counselor at the center who will then set me up with an appointment to come in and talk some more & figure out what comes next in the processs & to help me not feel all alone!!! This is the 1 I am most worried about right now especially if my parents begin asking questions about it since they can't EVER know about it!!!! I will continue to see my regular counselor for other things & maybe even this as well...not sure if I will feel comfortable at the center or not or have time with counseling & a DBT program all at once. But the DBT should be covered by the medical assistance or the county & the center is completely free so money isn't an issue for once thank goodness. I definitely want to see my regular counselor & look into the program she is suggesting since I trust her & she knows what would be good for me. Time will tell how many things I can handle at once. But now I am freaking out & beating myself up & saying what the heck did u just do to yourself u idiot . Plus every time the phone rings I jump afraid it is someone my parents can't hear me talking to on my cell phone...eventually they are gonna wonder I am sure so might have to do all my calls during the day when they are NOT here!!!!! Which just adds more stress & pressure because I don't like lying to them but at the same time I can't tell them what I am doing & not be afraid of the consequences! I am just Not a good liar I guess!!! I Hate having secrets from people & lately that is ALL my life is becoming about secrets & lies! I can't say who I have talked to,what we have discussed,why I need more therapy,why I am not sleeping,why I am having severe panic attacks or pretty much anything else unless it is what I ate that is the truth. It is like having to be constantly on guard & remember who u are with & what they do & don't know...I am so fearful of slipping up & letting something out that I shouldn't!!!!!!! My phone has numbers in it that are labeling wrong on purpose so they don't know who it really is & I instantly delete those phone calls anyway as well as keep my phone on me at all times even in the shower!!!!!!!! This kind of pressure is gonna make me explode...it feels like I am doing something wrong!!!!!!!!!



View Entry | Leave A Comment



[ <<] | 1 | 2 | 3 [ >>]