Anxiety Self Help

I'm an all around addict. I'm addicted to alcohol, drugs, gambling, food - I can over-induldge or abuse ANYTHING. Last night I gambled about $200. Great. Good job. Now I'm broke. I just wasn't paying attention to the time and to the $20's I kept feeding the machine - I had a feeling the machine I was playing would hit big . . . just like any addicted gambler, always hoping for the "big one".

Actually, I just wanted to hit a four of a kind and at least break even. It was a good machine, it wanted to hit a four of a kind, it just wasn't quite ready yet . . . I figure if I go down to the Siena today and try my luck, I'll win . . . AGAIN GAMBLER'S THINKING!!

So, I spent money that I should be using for my car insurance, my mom's birthday present, Robert's birthday present, my strangly-high cell phone bill, etc. I've been stressing on this for the past 24-hours. . . well actually it's only been about 12. I hate stressing. Especially on situations/events that I CAN'T CHANGE!!! So, God grant me the serenity to ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I know this week I will be purchasing car insurance. After I'm insured, I'm hoping this Tuesday I can drive down to the DMV and get a 10-day moving permit; that will give me enough time to get my car smogged. . . if I have the cash - which I probably won't.

I've also been looking for a second job and a new apartment. Honestly, I believe I would have more motivation to get a second job if I had a drivable vehicle. Once I get my car legalized, life will be a little bit more simplier. Yeah, yeah, gas is about $5/gallon now-a-days, but you know what? . . . At this point, I don't care. The apartment hunting is not going well either; I haven't decided whether or not I want to move in with Robert. I just don't think I could handle living with him. He doesn't know about my ED or any of that, so that would be a huge shocker for him - then again, I would hide it. Living with someone else is hard to do. Whether they're your friend, significant other, mother - doesn't matter, roommates are tough. So what do I do? I can't afford a place on my own, well I could if I gave up my other addictions, ha, that's a good one. Give up my addictions, that's a far away dream. So I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Some other bad news? I got some sort of a notice from City Center Apartments, something about I have five days to claim I didn't live there - I don't know, I guess they want me to pay May's rent; sorry but I moved out and gave a 30-day notice. Oh yeah, and those bad checks to Scolari's from April/May 2003? I owe about $5,000 and they sent me an itemized/summery of all my debts. How nice of those bill collectors!

So, as for the gambling, I'm a little stressed. It feels good to "get it out on paper. . ." well, computer screen at least.

Anyway. Enough ranting and raving. I'm off to take some Vicodin - hopefully those will ease my pain. HA.

Cheers ._.