Anxiety Self Help

DATE: Nov 17 2006, 2:52 pm / MOOD: Other

Nov. 15th was my birthday; I didn't do much [thanks House Arrest, or should I be thanking my addiction for getting me arrested and put on House Arrest?].

I was given cigarettes [ha!], a big body pillow, some cash, etc.

I was given Morphine on Monday; I went to court today, no UA, thank God!. . . I'm debating whether or not I want to use Morphine later.

I shouldn't.

I just hate fighting the anxiety and pressue that comes from wanting to use.

I'll just keep repeating the Serenity prayer like I have been all day.

Cheers ._.

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DATE: Nov 11 2006, 1:26 am / MOOD: Lonely

I try not to put myself in situations that I know are dangerous; staying away from old playgrounds, playmates, and playthings is the ultimate goal.

I just don't understand how some people can put themselves in an unhealthy situation, not thinking about consequences or "playing the tape all the way through"; then these same people complain about the outcome.

Please don't bitch to me when you did it to yourself, when I was there playing the tape through for you, when I laid out your consequences; you asked me for my opinion, I gave it. 

Thank you.

I can't change a person. I can't  make your decisions for you; you're a grown man. Thank you for not listening.

Cheers ._.

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DATE: Nov 10 2006, 12:42 am / MOOD: Full of life

I. Today is the Best Day Ever; why and how is that? 24 hours of Spongebob Squarepants!! Other than that. What's new? My house arrest officer came over last night at 9pm; I was reading my little brother his bedtime story and was shocked when I saw Mr. Dondero standing there.

II. I began having a panic attack; Mr. Dondero asked what happened in court last Friday, I began crying and told him that I relapsed on crystal due to an eating disorder that I've never dealt with.

I figured I was going to jail last night for using a couple of Sunday's ago and not telling him; it's funny how I told everyone else but him!!

His partner is a female, so he asked if I would feel more comfortable talking to her; I cried and was completely open and honest about everything.

He seemed sympathetic, he told me if I ever needed anything, to call. I told him that I am seeing a therapist once a week; I've never thought of my eating habits as a problem; however, Mental Health Court, my counselor, my therapist, and Mr. Dondero seem to think so.

I obvioulsy wasn't arrested [sigh of relief], but I was a little shaken up. Yesterday I used two Dilaudid; and actually I had just finished shooting the second one about an hour before he came over. Luckily he didn't test me; Dilaudid shows up as opium. I was lucky.

III. Hmm, enough of that bullsh*t. Next subject? I drove my unregistered, uninsured car to the courthouse and to see my other probation officer. That was exciting. Ooh, driving illegally, finally some spice in my life!

If I get pulled over for ANY reason what-so-ever, I go to jail. Just because I'm on house arrest/probation. So, I won't be doing that in the near future.

IV. I'm a little frusterated at the fact the judge still has the "no-work" order on me. I'm broke. I have no money. I'm lucky that my mom buys me cigarettes and the ex-boyfriend contributes to my Dilaudid usage. I need money though. My phone bill is due and it would be nice to buy some more winter clothing.

V. Speaking of buying things, my birthday is coming up. On the 15th of November I will be the big 2-2. I'm excited, but a little sad.

BUT, it's still my birthday. Thank God. Finally, a day for Danielle.

VI. I guess I'm going to stop venting. Thanks for reading and/or caring, and/or NOT caring. Either way. I feel better!

Cheers ._.

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DATE: Oct 31 2006, 7:11 pm / MOOD: Dont know

Today my doctor prescribed me two new medications; one is an anti-depressant [Mirtazapine], and the second is an anti-anxiety medication [Hydroxyzine:Vistaril].

[Confession Time] On Sunday night I drank two glasses of wine and found myself at the dope dealers house. [Good job Danielle!]; of course, I did a shot of crystal meth [Kudos to you!]; I remained wide awake all night. During my intensive outpatient drug counseling group the following morning, I confessed my wrongdoings and continued to feel like sh*t.

After group I had to check in with court, where they decided a random drug test would be in order [YEAH!]; so again, I confessed, now I'm stressing on going to jail for a week, losing my apartment [Mental Health Court is footing the bill, I would have been moving in tomorrow], and losing my housing right now [my mom finds out I relapsed, I'm out]. Also, I haven't told my mom, I don't want to. If I have to [due to going to jail or house arrest coming over to test me], I'll deal with that then.

I've been depressed and my anxiety is through the roof, actually I use bulimia to control my anxiety; however, today I confessed my need to get counseling, I'm getting scared because of physical side effects.

Last Thursday after group and court, I began making eggs, toast, and hashbrowns when suddenly my entire face went numb and I wasn't able to control my arm movements; it was if my hand had a mind of it's own, I was really dizzy and had to sit down, I remember I tried reaching for the salt a good four or five times before I was able to finally get a grip on the shaker. I knocked it down a couple of times; and this scares me.

I'm beginning to get scared.

I've always said that my eating disorder is not a problem until I wind up in the hospital; however, I believe that day is coming soon. My hands and arms are numb right this minute and they have been all day long. I had my blood pressure taken earlier and it's normal [like usual], so I'm just worried.

The scariest part of this whole "eating disorder" fiasco, is the fact that I don't think intensive counseling is going to help my problem. I'm seriously considering in-patient; however, that scares me to much, considering I will be losing my only vice, my only anti-anxiety medication; I know that counseling will help a great deal, but I've been to a session. That session was horrible, I was an emotional wreck. I first threw up at the age of 13 - 14 and this is the first time in 8 years I have EVER spoken to someone else about the origins of the eating disorder.

My eating disorder really began when I was introduced to laxatives in November of 2004, while heavily into heroin my boyfriend at the time purchased them because he couldn't go. At the end of Dec, we quit the heroin and returned back to heavily slamming crystal methamphetamines.

Even though I was using crystal I begin using laxatives on a daily basis; I was arrested in February of 2005, released in March 2005, that's when the laxatives played a significant role in my life. Everyday beginning with five, to seven, to 15 pills in one day!

The disease took a turn for the worst in February-March 2006; while in a drug rehab center I wasn't allowed my laxatives and surrendered the ones I had snuck in to the counselers; however, without the laxies around, I begin binging and purging like clockwork; that's where I developed my purging ways, in rehab. It's funny that they threatened to kick me out if I was caught throwing up; however, they never caught on and I did it the entire time I was there.

This subject really means a lot to me, it's personal, it's emotional, it's turning physical and I just had to get some of that off of my chest, see it in writing if you know what I mean. Cheers ._.

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DATE: Oct 30 2006, 12:54 am / MOOD: Disappointed

Again.

I've stayed away from you since Aug. 22, 2006. But tonight, I was weak. Again I turned to your comfort, you give me a sense of "belonging".

I don't need you.

But yet, again and again, I find myself in your grip.

Enough is enough.



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DATE: Oct 23 2006, 12:07 am / MOOD: High

Denial. I'm good at it.

Justification. I'm good at that too.

Relapse? I'm the best.

A drug, is a drug, is a drug, right? Right! Cocaine, Heroin, Cigarettes, Alcohol; all drugs.

I have my substance abuse class in the morning [random drug testing], afterwards I have to head over to court and check in there [random drug testing]; and last, but certainly not least, my house arrest officer [the cute, young, Mr. Jon Dondero] can come over to my house at any given time and test me or pry through my belongings.

All these situations and the consequences following any positive drug tests steer me away from using cocaine, heroin . . .

But not Dilaudid.

The ex-boyfriend brought me Dilaudid [synthetic heroin, a pain pill for people in serious pain].

He brought over two and I crushed them, heated them up, and shot them up.

I'm in denial that they are addictive drugs. I'm able to justify my use because it's out of your system within 24-hours; this drug, unlike the other illegal ones I've used, hasn't landed me in jail [yet], I haven't pawned my sh*t for money to afford them, they're cheap, they help me sleep, I'm not spun out or coked out or acting weird. . .

These are just excuses and sooner or later, if I continue, I will go to jail, I will not pass go, nor will I collect $200.

Cheers ._.

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DATE: Oct 22 2006, 2:02 pm / MOOD: Bored

I'm bored.

I've been coloring and trying to fill my time; but there's not a thing to do.

My family is watching "Over the Hedge"; I saw it in theatres, I've been watching this season's "Laguna Beach"; I'm tired of TV. I guess I'll go color some more, I just can't focus long enough to sit there.

Ah, well.

Cheers ._.

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DATE: Oct 20 2006, 10:06 pm / MOOD: Disappointed

I am feeling so disappointed in myself. I let a friend down and that's just wrong. I was supposed to hang out with her tonight, but I procrastinate and don't follow through with my word. My word is worth nothing.

The deal is, I'm supposed to call House Arrest and approve my times out of the house; we were going to go a church thing [I'm not really into church, but she is]; and I didn't call and get the time approved [you're only allowed to call and change times Mon - Thur, 10am - 1pm]. I procrastinated and didn't change times.

She told me that she cancelled all her plans just to hang out with me, and I didn't even call her back. I haven't spoken to her since Wednesday. I'm just feeling horrible. I don't even know what to do, whether or not I should e-mail her or call her.

Why do I do this? Why don't I follow through? This is old behavior, not calling people back.

Actions speak louder than words and I'm screaming, but nothing's happening.

I suck.

Ah and the best part? To cope and handle the way I feel, I'm going to go purge! Cheers ._.

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DATE: Oct 20 2006, 6:03 pm / MOOD: Bored

. . . make Danielle a dull girl.

House Arrest + ADHD - Medication = anxious, bored, pent up energy = Danielle.

Today has been interesting [not]. I went to court this morning. I came home. I've been coloring in my Fairly Oddparents coloring book. I have trouble sitting down and concentrating, so I'll color a couple of things then get up and run around the living room table. I've been running up and down the stairs. . . I've been running to answer the door, I've been running and sliding in the kitchen; I've been listening to loud music. I watched "Laguna Beach" [my faovirte Laguna couple broke up, damn!] and also, "Six Degrees".

Right now the ex has come over and we are now cleaning his truck. Anyway, I must get going, we need to finish because I'm allowed to leave the house at 4.30pm for an NA meeting! Cheers ._.



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DATE: Oct 17 2006, 4:19 pm / MOOD: Happy

Boyfriend and I fought.

He relapsed.

I've decided that we're through; I need to do what I need to do; he needs to do what he wants to do.

I can't keep him clean, I can't be around it.

He disrespected me by coming over to my house Saturday night high.

I've been feeling stronger with my recovery; kind of.

After the fight on Sunday evening; I didn't eat anything.

Yesterday I binged and purged.

So technically, I didn't eat yesterday.

Today I ate one can of tuna fish.

I'm proud. I'm trying to cut back on my food intake. I hate being fat. Cheers ._.

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