Anxiety Self Help

DATE: Sep 08 2007, 10:08 pm / MOOD: Other

[[Warning: Danielle has become a little bit more than obsessed with the Reno Balloon Races; don't ask why, just go with it.]]

The first hot air balloon flown in the United States was launched from the Walnut Street Jail on January 9, 1793, by the French aeronaunt Jean Pierre Blanchard. Nearly every person in Philadelphia stopped what they were doing and watched as the yellow silk balloon carried him 5,800 feet in the air.

Blanchard performed several scientific experiments aloft, filling six bottles of air, taking his pulse, and making observations about the air pressure, temperature, and weather. If Benjamin Franklin had lived long enough (he died in 1790), he would have been thrilled with the event.

The wind blew Blanchard fifteen miles, across the Delaware River to New Jersey. Blanchard shared a bottle of wine with the farmer in whose field he landed, and showed the man his "passport," a letter of safe passage written by President George Washington.

A crowd soon gathered, and a wagon was found to transport Blanchard and his deflated balloon back across the river. He was greeted in Philadelphia by a cheering crowd. Blanchard's plans for a second flight in the city were ruined by the yellow fever epidemic.

View Entry | Leave A Comment

DATE: Sep 08 2007, 2:07 pm / MOOD: Other

I've been stuck on one subject and one subject only for the past couple of days. What subject is that?! RENO'S ANNUAL HOT AIR BALLOON RACES!!

I can't explain WHY I am so obsessed with this event. It's not even that exciting; seriously. I enjoy Hot August Nights, Street Vibrations, even the Italian Festival more than I enjoy hot air balloons; however, that has been my point of interest this week.

I blogged about it on myspace. And I even blogged about it at addiction tribe. I figure, "Hell, I blog here too! Might as well!" - I know if you've been in a chatroom with me recently; that's all I talk about; how the balloons were being blown up at 5am this morning, how watching the balloons on TV is no where near as cool as seeing them live and up-close!

While watching them blow-up the balloons on News 4 this morning, it's like watching the grass grow - or better yet - paint dry. It's just so stand-still [because it's on TV].

While driving to my job interview this morning, I was able to catch a glimpse of the real live balloons; they're gorgeous. Colorful balloons, some are in shapes of animals or objects - floating throughout the valley of Reno, NV.

[[sigh]] Why am I so attracted to these balloons? You would figure it's a beautiful Saturday afternoon and I should be outside watching the balloons, taking pictures of the balloons, HELL - I should be riding in the balloons!! Instead I'm online "blogging" about the damn balloons.

That makes me pathetic.

I'm off to watch balloons! Cheers ._.

View Entry | Leave A Comment

DATE: Jul 10 2007, 12:26 am / MOOD: Other

I recieved a DUI a while back. I had taken some Xanax and Valium [to help with the lack of opiates]; and after hanging out with some friends, I made the *smart* decision to drive home at 3 in the morning.

Instead of taking the freeway to the exit closest to my house, I got off one exit earlier; taking the back roads.

I guess I was driving in the wrong lane for a minute and not maintaining my lane. Of course there was a sheriff behind me [man they just pop up out of nowhere].

I didn't want another possession charge, so I quickly shoved the entire bag of Xanax and Valium into my mouth and began chewing. I had purchased 7 Valium and 5 Xanax. The good strong Xanax at that. ANYWAY. Long story short, chewing pills means immidiate high.

After failing the sobriety tests; I wasn't able to "walk the line"; nor could I count, I was giggling the entire time, finally I just looked at the cop and said, "Am I getting arrested?" . . . He replied, "Yes." They were kind enough to ask if I had a friend that would come pick up my car so it wouldn't get towed; the cop was looking in my eyes and did ask if I was chewing gum. Now, I had shoved a ziploc bag into my mouth, he probably could tell and I was a bit loopy, so I wasn't being very careful. Honestly, I'm grateful I wasn't charged with "attempt to destroy evidence" . . . he told me to spit it out, I remember trying to blow the bag far out of my mouth as I could, as to not get caught with drugs on me.

The rest of the evening, I don't remember. I remember getting into the police car to go to jail; however, I don't remember going to Saint Mary's hospital before going to jail, nor do I remember getting to jail - I do remember him saying, "Danielle, we're there." . . . I think I might have asked, "Where?" . . . because I do remember him saying, "We've arrived at the jail."

I don't remember much after that either; I might have been really f@cked up because I remember being put into a holding cell and crying and sobbing and mumbling to officiers; I was put into holding until 11am. Again, I remember bits and pieces of booking. Eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, falling asleep in my chair, calling James to see if he would post my bail [which he didn't because I was OR'd]. Anyway, it was a long night/day.

Point to this story? . . . Today was my court hearing . . . my arriagnment. I assume I'm automatically guilty and that would make it my sentencing hearing instead. I've been a bundle of nerves all night; and this morning I woke up three different times before court, and the third time forgot to reset my alarm. SO, of course I wake up late. As I'm driving to court I'm shaking and nervous and my anxiety is going through the roof. I call my friend and he fronts me two Dilaudid, which I find more important than court, so I go to his house first, get my fix, then 15 minutes late arrive. I don't know where to go, so I wind up wasting time. Finally I go see my court services lady and explain that I've been lost and need help. She tells me that I'm in the wrong building for one and I'm too late to go to court.

Before a bench warrant gets issued I go to Reno Justice Court [not District] and explain my situation to the Arraignment clerk, she looks up my name and that's when I was told they haven't filed charges yet; so whether or not I was on time didn't matter, they had to reschedule me two weeks out. SO now, I'm waiting another two weeks before I go before a judge on this DUI case. Great.

I have court on the 12th for my felony charges [the possession charge] so who knows what's going to happen, I might end up in jail before going to court; then maybe I'll just wind up getting time served. I apologize for the uber-long blog, I need to vent and get this off my chest, out of my head, so I can return to thinking clearly again.

The abscess on my arm that was so infected it was the size of a ping-pong ball, that was lanced by a doctor [they kept me overnight at the hospital due to the fact they thought the poision from the abscess had gotten into my bloodstream] - is healing quite nicely. It's almost healed completely. Yay for me. Tomorrow is my only day off this week, so I'm off to dreamland. Cheers ._.

View Entry | Leave A Comment

DATE: Jul 01 2007, 6:17 pm / MOOD: Other

It POURS. 

I was admitted to the hospital on Friday afternoon. I went in at 10am Friday morning to get an abscess taken care of; no thought of staying longer than five hours crossed my mind.

I had been shooting Heroin and Cocaine [speedballs] one weekend and I missed a little of the shot; it swelled - like most misses do. However, this was the one that decided to not heal itself; it decided to get infected. I let it go for about one week, getting bigger and more painful. There was a bubble on my arm the size of a ping-pong ball.

Since I'm able to obtain Dilaudid, I put off the hospital visits; plus the hospital brings high anxiety and panic attacks.

After not being able to sleep and the pills wearing off, I made the decision to go Friday morning. They cut it open, drained it, packed it. I was given shots of Morphine for the pain.

Long story short; I was kept overnight at the hospital. The ER Doctor didn't want me to lose my arm and because my fever wasn't coming down, she suspected the infection had gotten into my bloodstream. Sometimes I wish it was and my heart would go ceptic and I would just fall out of this world.

My anxiety went through the roof, I've never stayed the night at a hospital. I've never had surgery, I've never been uberly sick; I'm fairly healthy [minus the ED and drug abuse/addictions]. So I began crying hysterically and couldn't get my breathing under control. 

Everytime my life begins to get straightened out, another wrench is thrown in. Did I mention my antibiotics cost me $204? . . . I was supposed to go to three NA/AA meetings this week - did I mention I didn't attend any? . . . My stress levels are through the roof. . . and we have a two-story house!! [Ha, lame joke].
 
Cheers ._.

View Entry | Leave A Comment

DATE: May 26 2007, 4:55 am / MOOD: Other

[A]. Boys.

I told my boyfriend of one month - we've been seeing each other for a couple, but didn't get serious until recently - that we needed a break. I need some space, some breathing room. I personally feel that we've been spending TOO much time together. He calls all the time, sends text messages all the time [enough messages to make my phone bill $76 more than it should be], he comes over before work, gives me a ride to work, then shows up during my shift, then again right before my shift is over, then we either [a] hang out after work and get a drink, or [b] he drives me home. 

Is it just me, or are we spending to much time together? I just can't handle it. All the voicemails, the messages, the fact that everytime I turn around he's somewhere! . . . He's a cool guy, but I'm one of those girls that can't handle TOO much affection and time together. I need my breathing room, my space, MY TIME.

I explained this too him and he took it all personal; he acted as if I just broke up with him. He wanted to know how long, if this would affect our plans for Memorial Day/his Birthday weekend; then, he cried. I was annoyed with his whole baby act.

Maybe I should have been more sympathetic, but I wasn't. I told him this affects nothing except the next few days - let me be. I'll call you, don't call me. Which of course, I didn't tell him because honestly, I probably wouldn't call him for a week. I just ended a relationship with a boy that promised me the world, loved me, wanted to marry me, told me I was his everything; him and I connected really well - but anyway, he ended up moving to Oregon after a [failed] suicide attempt. He just left. One day here, next day gone.

He was the second one to do that to me within a six month period. The first one was Chris, we were connected, but I have to admit the drugs helped us connect. Him and I understood each other though and we cared for each other a lot - when I was released from jail Monday morning, he decides to inform me that he's moving to Virginia [the other side of the country] on Friday morning.

Another one who promises to "always be there" and he's someone I can "count on" . . . just is gone. So yeah, I have some abandonment issues. Having Robert [the new boy] constantly buying me flowers and telling me how beautiful I am and promising to always be there whenever I need him is very hard for me. It's hard for me to believe, it's hard for me to listen, it's hard for me to take him seriously.

My feelings are: I should have remained single after Cody. I should have gotten my head, emotions, and self pulled together before jumping into ANOTHER relationship - it's unfair to me and it's unfair to Robert. My abandonment issues and trust issues stem from other failed boyfriends and I am not giving Robert the fair chance he deserves.

HOWEVER! I have explained these situations and concerns with Robert, he doesn't care. He tells me that "I'm the best girlfriend he's ever had" . . . What's the first thing I think of?? Boy, you haven't dated enough have you?? What is that all about?

He's already saying "I love you" . . . Great, after one month, the kid thinks he's in love. He asked me to move out with him sometime in the upcoming months. I haven't decided yet. I want to . . . because I think having a roommate would save us both money. I don't want to because he doesn't know of my eating disorder - that's going to make life harder for me [having to hide my purging] . . . or I could just become completely anorexic, claiming "I've already eaten" - however, that excuse won't work forever. I don't know if I want to move in with him because it's good timing . . . I have to move out of the house I'm living in now in the fall, so I don't have much time to save up and get out - he makes good cash and is willing to support me for a little while [until I'm able to get back on my feet]. I don't want to move in with him and use him either. That's f@cked up. I just don't know what to do.

I am, however, enjoying my space. That's all that matters at this very moment. My quiet, alone time; with who? ME.

Cheers ._.   

View Entry | Leave A Comment

DATE: May 18 2007, 1:07 pm / MOOD: Other

I'm an all around addict. I'm addicted to alcohol, drugs, gambling, food - I can over-induldge or abuse ANYTHING. Last night I gambled about $200. Great. Good job. Now I'm broke. I just wasn't paying attention to the time and to the $20's I kept feeding the machine - I had a feeling the machine I was playing would hit big . . . just like any addicted gambler, always hoping for the "big one".

Actually, I just wanted to hit a four of a kind and at least break even. It was a good machine, it wanted to hit a four of a kind, it just wasn't quite ready yet . . . I figure if I go down to the Siena today and try my luck, I'll win . . . AGAIN GAMBLER'S THINKING!!

So, I spent money that I should be using for my car insurance, my mom's birthday present, Robert's birthday present, my strangly-high cell phone bill, etc. I've been stressing on this for the past 24-hours. . . well actually it's only been about 12. I hate stressing. Especially on situations/events that I CAN'T CHANGE!!! So, God grant me the serenity to ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I know this week I will be purchasing car insurance. After I'm insured, I'm hoping this Tuesday I can drive down to the DMV and get a 10-day moving permit; that will give me enough time to get my car smogged. . . if I have the cash - which I probably won't.

I've also been looking for a second job and a new apartment. Honestly, I believe I would have more motivation to get a second job if I had a drivable vehicle. Once I get my car legalized, life will be a little bit more simplier. Yeah, yeah, gas is about $5/gallon now-a-days, but you know what? . . . At this point, I don't care. The apartment hunting is not going well either; I haven't decided whether or not I want to move in with Robert. I just don't think I could handle living with him. He doesn't know about my ED or any of that, so that would be a huge shocker for him - then again, I would hide it. Living with someone else is hard to do. Whether they're your friend, significant other, mother - doesn't matter, roommates are tough. So what do I do? I can't afford a place on my own, well I could if I gave up my other addictions, ha, that's a good one. Give up my addictions, that's a far away dream. So I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Some other bad news? I got some sort of a notice from City Center Apartments, something about I have five days to claim I didn't live there - I don't know, I guess they want me to pay May's rent; sorry but I moved out and gave a 30-day notice. Oh yeah, and those bad checks to Scolari's from April/May 2003? I owe about $5,000 and they sent me an itemized/summery of all my debts. How nice of those bill collectors!

So, as for the gambling, I'm a little stressed. It feels good to "get it out on paper. . ." well, computer screen at least.

Anyway. Enough ranting and raving. I'm off to take some Vicodin - hopefully those will ease my pain. HA.

Cheers ._.

View Entry | Leave A Comment

DATE: Jan 14 2007, 11:22 am / MOOD: Other

I can't sleep. Maybe it's the lack of alcohol. Maybe it's the lack of opiates. I don't know. If I don't drink enough to blackout stage, I wind up staying up all night. Alcohol wires me up; unless I drink enough to blackout - however, I find myself waking up in the middle of the night and staying up for 2-3 hours.   
 
It sucks. Staying up all the time. Last night I didn't get to bed until 3am; I was watching Stephen King's "The Stand" - great book, good movie. THEN, I was woken up at 7am. I just don't sleep anymore.  
 
I just don't know what to do with myself. Last night I drank 3 glasses of white wine [yuck]. I didn't eat anything all day either - I've noticed the eating disorder is easier to deal with now that I'm living on my own and just don't buy food - instead I go on a "liquid diet" of vodka.   
 
Sigh. My mother is taking me food shopping today. Great, another stressor; however, I guess it will be fun. I plan on attending a meeting or two later - I sure could use one.  
 
Again, today is my new sobriety date and I don't plan on drinking. I need a bigger support network. I need a sponser.  
 
I need something.

I've been drinking. I haven't been sleeping. I've been ODing.

A day in the life. . .

View Entry | Leave A Comment

DATE: Nov 20 2006, 9:50 pm / MOOD: Happy

Cody.

A boy in my substance abuse class.

Cody went to jail 13 days ago.

I wrote him a letter; even though I figured he'd be out before he recieved it. I like him, he's a cool guy.

He ended up getting ad-booked [another charge while in jail]; I guess there was a warrant out for his arrest due to unpaid speeding/no insurance/no license ticket; so his sentence is 16 days.

He'll be released on the 23rd [Happy Thanksgiving].

Point of this story: he received my letter! I had given him my home phone number so that he could call someone if he wanted to talk, I understand how jail is.

Lonely.

He's called twice. I've talked to him and he just makes me feel good.

He asked about the boyfriend [he knows about the previous relapse and the lying]; he asked about my eating disorder [if there's any progress, if I even want progress]; we spoke of his girlfriend of 11 years [my God!] and a Method Man song.

It just felt good to talk to someone who's sober and genuinly cares. I love talking to friends.

Friends cheer me up.

Thank you friends.

Cheers ._.

View Entry | Leave A Comment

DATE: Nov 19 2006, 11:57 pm / MOOD: Other

I've been having boy issues; I've had this feeling all day that he went out and used crystal.

So after talking to him a couple of times throughout the day, I called one final time to ask him, once again, whether or not he gave in to temptation.

He answered on the first ring and I said, "I'm sorry Chris, but you've been acting differently and I just need to know, did you use?"

Quiet.
Silence.

"Yes."

Yesterday Chris was trying to get me to get crystal, he was jonesing to use and I kept telling him that I hate that drug and I don't want to use. We didn't. He thanked me for being strong and I told him: Don't thank me, I'm not being strong for you; I'm being strong for me . . .
Instead, we played Monopoly, and today had a good morning; but, he obviously didn't have a good afternoon.

We're done. I'm through with him.

I know I've said this before, but tonight I'm really sticking to my guns. He began crying and telling me that I'm all he's got; should have thought about that earlier.

I just knew that he used. I just knew!! I'm so good, my stomach aching and just being full of anxiety; I just knew it. I could tell by the way he was talking, he was speaking to fast and short.

He told me that he figured that he could hide it from me, well that's not good for a relationship, don't you agree? Lying is bad. Honesty is good.

He's lied to me twice about using crystal [the last relapse he had and now this one] and he's also lied to me about texting some girl when we were "fighting". He's lied to me about stupid small sh*t, but you know what?

I don't f@cking deserve a boyfriend that is going to continue to lie to me! I don't need people in my life that don't respect my decisions to stay sober!

I told him yesterday that if he wanted to get some speed to go for it, but drop me off at home first. I want nothing to do with that f@cking drug.

I hate it. He knows this.

I told him that I don't want to be associated with people that do it. He's doing it.

He cried a few times to me, but I didn't want to talk to him. There's nothing that he could say that I want to hear. Of course he says that he's sorry and that he'll stay sober; but then again, haven't I heard that before?? Why is it when he gets high on crystal he suddenly wants to be sober; f@ck off Chris.

Then he has the nerve to tell me, "I hope to see you get sober too". f@ck YOU, TAKE YOUR OWN f@ckING INVENTORY NOT MINE! I'M NOT THE ONE HIGH ON CRYSTAL METH!!!!

He's been calling me on my cell phone and he's been calling my parent's line over and over; I am so hurt and disappointed, but you know what? I'm done.

He kept telling me NOT to tell anybody [my parents]; no f@cking way am I going to not tell my parents about this.

Dave [Chris' roommate] and I were having a discussion about how Chris likes to get high on Morphine or Dilaudid and then begin preaching about staying sober and working a good AA program. Chris doesn't want me to tell anybody because he wants to keep it a secret. He's not going to tell his mother, he's not going to tell his sponser, he's just going to act as though nothing happened; however, something did happen and it is major. He's good at lying to himself.

He continued to tell me "give me three days". . . yeah Chris, three days so that it will be out of your system and we can all just pretend that this didn't happen. I'm through, I done with this relationship. I'm f@cking sick and tired of putting up with his bullsh*t.

I don't want to put up with this. I don't need to put up with this. I don't deserve this. I deserve a straight up guy; one who will tell me the truth, no matter what; I can handle the truth.

It wouldn't have been as big of a deal IF HE DIDN'T f@ckING LIE TO MY FACE. Again, I knew this, I could tell in his voice, his attitude; boy did he feel like an ass after I screamed: I KNEW IT!! I KNEW IT!! I f@ckING KNEW THE ENTIRE TIME!!

He thinks he can "hide it". No Chris, you can't; you are just like every other tweeker out there that tries to hide it.

PEOPLE CAN TELL.

He cried saying "Of course you could tell, you know me pretty well; I don't want to lose you, we're connected". . .

Connected? That's why you lie to me.
Connected? That's why you don't trust me.
Connected? That's why you are self-centered; everything has to be Chris' Way or no way at all.
Connected?

NOT ANYMORE.

View Entry | Leave A Comment

DATE: Nov 19 2006, 5:52 pm / MOOD: Other

I recorded [thank you DVR!], "The Real World: Las Vegas" marathon on MTV.

No. . . I usually don't get involved in those shows. . .

Okay, I'm lying. I am obsessed with "Laguna Beach". . . and when I watch "The Real World", I usually get hooked, especially if I watch it from the beginning.

Yesterday there was the Vegas marathon and I'm watching it today while waiting for my Aunt, Uncle, and Cousin to come over for a Pre-Thanksgiving Dinner dinner.

I want to go party in Vegas so bad. I want to get a hotel room and get f@cked up, gamble, win, lose, drink, get high, whatever! . . . Just a weekend away in Sin City would cure whatever it is that ails me! . . .

Anyway, I did some Morphine yesterday; that was just bomb. I did one 60mg pill in one shot; that was great. I melted, I did the second pill later in the night, that helped me get to sleep.

Anyway, I played Monopoly yesterday and won!

Enough from me today; cheers ._.

View Entry | Leave A Comment