Anxiety

DATE: May 19 2008, 6:59 am / MOOD: Excited

Wow, well. Suddenly it seems I'm doing so much socializing. OK, in chronological order...

Friday before the last -- I agreed to play a game of D&D since so many of my friends (still weird how I can actually say I have friends) play, though I was skeptical. So I went over this guy's---Mike's house, and he helped me build my first character. Then we went to a local gaming shop and I played my first game with everyone. And I had so much fun! Actual fun, being around people and talking and playing with them. And we went over to the gas station a few times to stock up on snacks. I wasn't talkative or anything, but I was very at ease the whole time, and much more outgoing than I've ever been before. I think being out so late (until 12:30, which is very late relative to when I'm usually home), and consuming a lot of caffeine (Bawls). Anyway, it was great! And I'm really looking forward to the next game, whenever that'll be. (All of this was with Mike, Katie, Dan, Jeff, Paul and Potter, need to record the names so I can keep this stuff straight in my head.)

And Wednesday the last anime club meeting of the semester. It was very nice. The president didn't come so it was very unstructured and casual. And lots of snack from the local Oriental Market were brought. I sat up front and manned the computers with two others (Kirsten and 'Weasel'). The videos I chose to show went over very well, and the guy up front with us in particular loved them, and we sort of became friends just over that. Then we three watched Azumanga Daioh and talked about it amongst ourselves, in the corner away from the loud people, heh. A pleasant meeting to end the semester.

Then Thursday I was on campus, hanging out in the lounge because Mike had invited me out to lunch. So he, Kirsten, Christy and I went out to the health food store and bought a bunch of snacks, then out for lunch. At the place we went I saw Nathan, who I haven't seen in forever--he's like my brother's best friend and we three used to hang out all the time and I always loved it. But we haven't since my brother's fight with my mom and leaving to live with my Dad. It was great to see him, he's one of the few people I really feel completely at ease with. And just yesterday I got an email from my brother saying that we should go do something sometime. So happy! I'm really looking forward to us three doing something, just like old times.

After eating we returned with snacks to the lounge. And I hung around until about 7. I was actually there to discuss the new summer D&D campaign, but we didn't get anything done. I was sort of anxious with all these people around, but I did okay, and even got to talk to a few people I'd never met before, even though I have lousy conversation skills.

Then Friday I went over Mike's again to work more on the D&D campaign he's planning for the summer. I thought there'd be more people, and was somewhat disappointed that it was just him, me and a guy named Jamie. I didn't talk much, and just worked on building my character, with a lot of help from then since I still don't understand much of this stuff.

And today I'm going to see the new Narnia movie with Kirsten and Brian. I'm very excited about this! So happy they invited me.

And Wednesdays have been designated D&D days.

So much is going on! I actually have a social life, and it happened so suddenly! People actually like me and want to be around me! And I like these people, and know that over time we'll grow closer and I'll grow to love them. So happy.

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DATE: Apr 26 2008, 10:15 am / MOOD: Other

Earlier this week I went to this Student Association Banquet thing to recognize the student clubs to represent the anime club, along with four other members. Got a certificate and everything.

It was a much better experience than the movie showing. I really enjoyed it, and really felt like a part of the group, not left out at all. It helped that it was a much smaller group that I was with, just six of us at the table. I was actually included in the conversation, and didn't feel anxious or awkward at all.

But I do feel I held back a bit though. At my last meeting with my therapist she said that she thinks I lack self-confidence--which is true, and that when talking about myself I seem to have an apologetic air--which I realized is very true as well. She says that I'm a intelligent, unique person and have loads of good qualities which I should be proud of. I know this, but I always tend to hold back and downplay my strengths and best qualities. I think that while I think I'm a great person and don't dislike myself at all, I'm very stuck in my old habit of trying to avoid drawing any attention to myself, and I spend much more time worrying over my negative qualities than recognizing the positive ones.

Anyway, now that I'm getting over my anxiety and am feeling wonderful with my new friends that I'm growing closer to and am feeling less like an outcast, my new goal is to work on my lack of confidence in myself.

And I'm serious about getting back into school now. I'm picking a class to take during the summer semester. I don't know how it will go; lack of motivation seems like such a lame excuse, but I think it's my avoidant personality disorder that drives it. Avoiding life, avoiding moving further, avoiding anything that'll take me out of my comfort zone or the easy, care-free but pointless way of life I have now. I don't know.

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DATE: Apr 17 2008, 10:22 am / MOOD: Lonely

So, this week is Spring Fling week at the college, and Monday and Tuesday the anime club had events and stuff going on. Both days we had a movie showing and a sort of papercrafting workshop that I was in charge of.

It was nice. With the papercrafting stuff, I wasn't anxious at all. We just had a table set up in the lounge, with all the templates, scissors, glue and everything. There were always some others from the club hanging around, so I was never sitting alone. And I had no problem explaining the stuff, answering questions and whatnot. The first day it was mostly anime club and video game club members. The second day it was more popular, and we had a lot of people coming over and if they didn't make anything they'd still ask questions and where they could find templates and everything. I was really happy with how the whole thing went.

But when it comes to making friends and getting closer to the people I'm meeting, I don't really know what to think. I'm so, so happy whenever I feel that I'm actually making friends with someone, but I still feel so disconnected from everyone.

My therapist has asked me before, aren't I lonely spending all my time at home alone. And I never do at all. The only time I feel lonely is when I'm around other people. And it's a very, very painful feeling. Sometimes I feel like quitting the club and everything because I hate subjecting myself to these feelings week after week.

On Tuesday after cleaning up the papercrafting station me and two others from the club started up a game of Trivial Pursuit (for spring fling they had a big display of toys and games from across the decades that people could play with) and then afterwards we walked around campus together waiting for the movie stuff to start. It's so great being in a group and actually being a part of it. It was just the three of us hanging out and I could've easily fell into my place as a third wheel, but it wasn't like that at all. And I thought, this is what I want, I want to be with people and be happy and feel that people like me and are glad to have me around.

Both movie showings it ended up just being us anime club members there watching. Tuesday we had Speed Racer for 80s day and more people showed up but didn't stay long. Speed Racer (with everyone's commentary) was hilarious. I can't remember the last time I laughed so much.

But after the movie we were just hanging around and that's when my mood completely turned. When people are joking around together and just laughing and enjoying one another's company, and I don't know what to do. I'm not part of it, I'm on the sidelines, feeling disconnected, knowing that no one would care or even notice if I wasn't there. Why does no one say anything to me, or even look my way? People who have been here much less longer than I have are already an integral part of the group, and I'm still insignificant. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know why people don't like me.

That's all for now. I have lots of things I need to think about. 

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DATE: Jan 30 2008, 6:04 am / MOOD: Other

So, Monday there was a club fair at the college and I went to help with the Anime Club's table. I took my lorazepam and it made a HUGE difference. This was probably the best experience I've had in a social situation since my social anxiety went uber when I entered high school.

The whole time I was able to speak and move freely, without thinking about it at all. I didn't even realize how well things went until I had gotten home and realized that I hadn't even thought about my anxiety throughout the whole thing.

Over the break I had talked a bit online with some of the other club members, and seeing them there I was able to speak to them normally. I wasn't talkative, but I did manage to keep up my end of the conversation, and without thinking about it at all. Everything was just so easy.

So, I'm very pleased. And I'm really looking forward to the club meeting this coming Tuesday.

Today I have an appointment with my therapist, which is a pain. But at least I've made some progress. 

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DATE: Jan 14 2008, 3:46 pm / MOOD: Other

Just posting since I haven't done so in a while.

I've started going to this vocational rehabilitation place my therapist recommended me to, for people with various disabilities or something that prevents them from getting a job normally. I don't really know what to expect, but the lady working with me is really nice...

Other than that, things have just been going along as usual. I sort of have the winter doldrums, but not quite so bad as past years. Seeing my therapist every two weeks, and starting feel comfortable talking with her.

There's been talk of me going back to school. I had said I wanted to start taking a class at the community college, if it was just one then I'd be able to handle it. Now the plan is to see the counselor at the university and arrange something. A good plan. I'm just afraid of screwing it up. When I get depressed I just sort of abandon and withdraw from everything. And if I start going to college seriously and then that happens...argh, I just don't want to screw it up. :6

But who knows when any of that will happen. I'm not all that unhappy with my life of just spending all day reading, playing video games, watching anime and such. I just feel bad because I know it's not supposed to be this way...not doing anything with my life.

Hahahum, writing this has depressed me. That's all for now. 

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DATE: Dec 05 2007, 5:59 pm / MOOD: Happy

Things are going remarkably well, actually. Lately I just have been feeling a lot better, for some reason. Much, much less anxious than I usually am. I think I owe most of it to the therapy.

My last meeting with my therapist we decided that we'd talked about The Problem enough, and that we'd start using the time to develop my abysmal conversational skills. At first I hated this, even though I knew I had to do it. Of course when I'm expected to speak I become even more withdrawn. I thought that's how it would be today, but I was surprisingly relaxed and was actually able to carry on the conversation!

It's been like this these past two weeks (since my last appointment w/ my therapist). I still feel a lot of anxiety, but not so much as usual, and I feel like I'm handling it better--and with no Xanax. And the sense of accomplishment that this gives improves my mood.

Thanksgiving. Had it at my dad's, with just my dad, his girlfriend and my younger brother. It was good. The last few times I've seen my younger brother we've had a lot of wonderfully awkward silences.We used to be best of friends (he was actually the only person I could really talk to) but there's been a lot of drama in my family this past year that I wont get into, but he and I have grown distant. But it went well, by the time I left we were chatting okay. And I felt relatively at ease talking with my dad and his girlfriend too.

(This is going to end up being really long post...)

And I also had dinner at my mother's boyfriend's parents' house, meeting them for the first time. I really didn't want to go, but my mom said it would be good for me, so I went (this is always how she gets me to go places :P). And I enjoyed it! His family was actually really nice (mum's been with him for about four years but this was the first time I met any of them). There was a 13 year old nephew they were pushing me to be friendly with but I am even worse with people younger than me than I am with peers my own age. I just don't know how to talk to them. Made great friends with their dog though.

And another anime club meeting. An...interesting one. For one thing I exchanged my email/phone number with the girl I've befriended, just like my therapist wanted me to. I was very, very nervous but once I just did it, it was very easy. My therapist was very proud of me, and especially since I said that it was easy. She says I have the social skills I need--they're not things I need to develop from scratch, I just need to regain confidence in myself and realize that I have them and can use them and it's easy.

And a guy there started talking to me and I ended up telling him all about how I have social anxiety and that I was in the club because I need to get out and amoung people, and that I'm in therapy for it and everything. I think I panicked myself into being open because he was hitting on me--but it was good to talk about it, better than skirting around the question when asked about my social life. He actually said that he was a good person to talk to about stuff like that because he liked to help people and stuff. He gave me his phone number but of course I didn't call him. I seriously don't know how to deal with romantic interest. After asking if I was dating anyone he asked if I did date, and I said that since I didn't have many friends I didn't really do anything like that. But if I did call him and go somewhere with him it would be a date, and I'm not interested in dating him...

I really don't know how these things work. The only other guy I talk to (I know him from high school, he's in the club too but we usually only talk online) has also recently told me to call him if I ever want to hang out, but he's also told me a few times that he likes me soooo that has made me back off...I guess I just don't know how to deal with unwanted romantic attention so I avoid anyone who expresses it, even though there's the opportunity to make a friend. I really, really don't know how these social matters work. I haven't had a crush on anyone since high school (don't meet many people when you don't leave your house), but I've never acted on any of them. So no experience whatsoever...

Anyway, stopping my rambling now. Next club meeting is tomorrow. 

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DATE: Nov 03 2007, 12:18 pm / MOOD: Other

And another one of my weekly excursions into society.

I'm actually very happy with how this one went, especially since after last week's meeting I was thinking I'd have a hard time making it to the end of the semester. Thankfully that was just me being overly pessimistic.

So, this meeting. I did take some Xanax, and I did feel much more at ease. I've started to judge these things over whether I can leave my chair or not. Usually anxiety keeps me glued there, and I just sit alone and don't talk to anyone, I can't even do something as simple as get up to move to the back of the classroom when we watch videos. But when I have my anxiety under control, even though I do feel those same doubts holding me back, I can push them aside relatively easily and am able to get up and do whatever.

This time I was able to get up and join a group around a computer, though I didn't speak to anyone. I was able to put out my suggestion for a video to watch. And I was able to get up and move to the back of the class, and actually sat next to the girl who I am sort of befriending. And when said girl asked if she could borrow a DVD I brought in I happily handed it over. And I was spoken to a few other times, and was able to respond okay.

All of these things are very, very small, but they are very significant to me. I need to train myself to be able to do them when I'm not on medication. But I haven't been able to at all so far, and all I can think of to do is just try harder. So that's what I'll do.

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DATE: Oct 26 2007, 1:09 pm / MOOD: Disappointed

Well, yesterday's Animation Club meeting left me depressed and crying and wanting to quit altogether. It's not like anything bad happened, it's just that so many feelings I had to live with every day when I was in school are resurfacing and I just don't want to have deal with them again.

A lot of new people have been joining. And as the group grows larger I just fade in to the background more and more. The group was playing some sort of Who's Line is it Anyway? sort of game, and at one point everyone was up and involved, and I just can't do things like that. Even the thought of trying is beyond me.

It's the feeling that no one would notice or care if I was gone that I hate the most. And when I'm trying so hard... I don't enjoy being there, no one would care if I wasn't, so why go at all?

But once I was feeling less upset I decided I can't just stop going. This is the only time I get out of my house and see people, and if I quit I'll be completely isolated again. The point to going is that it's the only place I have right now to work on getting over this phobia. So I'll just have to stick it out, at least till the end of the semester.

Next meeting.... I'm just going to take the Xanax. See what I can do.

I was coming up with all of these plans and goals, to get up at the head of the class and show videos, or introduce them to papercraft. Now they just seem so unlikely... I guess I'll just hope the Xanax will help me be able to do them. Even if it's just that one time maybe I'll be able to make some sort of connection with these people that will help me when I'm not using it.

I just wish I could get past the fear for a few minutes and summon up the drive to actually accomplish some of these goals I set.

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DATE: Oct 05 2007, 2:13 pm / MOOD: Tired

Yesterday was another anime club meeting. This time I took some Xanax before going and it did make a big difference. I'm just supposed to take it if there's some event that's going to make me really anxious, so I usually don't take it at all since I'm so highly medicated already, I'm not eager to take anything else. But I decided to do so, and see if it made a difference. And it did.

During the last meeting I had actually called out to someone and they came and sat next to me. Which are two small things which are hugely significant. I can't remember how many years it's been since I actually spoke to someone without them talking to me first. Usually the only time I speak is when someone asks me a question, and I just answer the question and that's that. Actually a lot of times people will talk to me but not directly ask me a question, so I don't respond at all. I'll just nod or "hmmm." Which always makes me feel very rude...

Anyway, it was also the first time in forever that someone actually came and sat next to me. For someone who has only ever sat alone and talked to no one, this is very big. I might actually be making friends.

So yeah, the Xanax helped me remain much calmer than usual. Like how I'm supposed to breathe deeply to calm myself down, I never think of that because the anxiety just blocks everything else out. But this time I remembered. And while walking to and into the classroom, whereas usually my heart is beating like crazy, it wasn't at all this time.

And I was actually able to get out of my chair. Usually I just sit there the whole time, too nervous to move. But this time I was comfortable getting up, and I went to sit near some other people who were designing a flyer for the club.

And I was just able to talk more openly. I still didn't speak all that much, but usually when I do speak I have to think about it for a while and try to work up the courage to say it out loud. But I didn't have as much trouble with it as usual.

So everything went pretty well. The Xanax was very helpful. But I'm still not going to take it every time. I want to try to get through it on my own, and see what difference the guided imagery and everything else is making. But it's good to know that I have it for when I do need it.

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DATE: Sep 26 2007, 9:52 am / MOOD: Mellow

So, this past month I've started doing guided imagery (see here: http://www.holisticonline.com/guided-imagery.htm). My therapist suggested it. She actually said that if it was a choice between medication, therapy, and guided imagery, you should go with the guided imagery. I don't know about that, but it does seem to be a powerful tool if you use it correctly.

I haven't been doing it nearly as much as a should, mostly because it's boring. But I'm going to do it every day from now on, and buy some different CDs so I don't get tired of listening to the same thing all the time. Doing this, I'm very sure it will have a positive effect.

I'm also now going for walks every day. Actually, I've only done it the past two days, but I'm going to try to stick with it for as long as possible. When I've tried this before I always end up stopping after a week or two, but I figure just because I'll end up stopping it isn't an excuse not to start at all.

I take my dog along. And my goal is to go to a different place each day. It's nice.

And I'm trying to eat better. One reason I've started the excercise is to increase my appetite, since I've had none at all lately. And when I do eat it's always cereal, ramen, sweets. Not enough good, healthy stuff at all. :6

And, one more thing: I've started video blogging. I don't have much up, and none of it's particularily interesting, but here they are: http://youtube.com/profile?user=tulipxlii

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