http://www.anxietytribe.comAnxietyTribe.com http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=3363 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=3363 [[Warning: Danielle has become a little bit more than obsessed with the Reno Balloon Races; don't ask why, just go with it.]]The first hot air balloon flown in the United States was launched from the Walnut Street Jail on January 9, 1793, by the French aeronaunt Jean Pierre Blanchard. Nearly every person in Philadelphia stopped what they were doing and watched as the yellow silk balloon carried him 5,800 feet in the air.Blanchard performed several scientific experiments aloft, filling six bottles of air, taking his pulse, and making observations about the air pressure, temperature, and weather. If Benjamin Franklin had lived long enough (he died in 1790), he would have been thrilled with the event.The wind blew Blanchard fifteen miles, across the Delaware River to New Jersey. Blanchard shared a bottle of wine with the farmer in whose field he landed, and showed the man his "passport," a letter of safe passage written by President George Washington.A crowd soon gathered, and a wagon was found to transport Blanchard and his deflated balloon back across the river. He was greeted in Philadelphia by a cheering crowd. Blanchard's plans for a second flight in the city were ruined by the yellow fever epidemic. Sat, 8 Sep 2007 22:09:09 -0500 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=3357 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=3357 I've been stuck on one subject and one subject only for the past couple of days. What subject is that?! RENO'S ANNUAL HOT AIR BALLOON RACES!!I can't explain WHY I am so obsessed with this event. It's not even that exciting; seriously. I enjoy Hot August Nights, Street Vibrations, even the Italian Festival more than I enjoy hot air balloons; however, that has been my point of interest this week.I blogged about it on myspace. And I even blogged about it at addiction tribe. I figure, "Hell, I blog here too! Might as well!" - I know if you've been in a chatroom with me recently; that's all I talk about; how the balloons were being blown up at 5am this morning, how watching the balloons on TV is no where near as cool as seeing them live and up-close!While watching them blow-up the balloons on News 4 this morning, it's like watching the grass grow - or better yet - paint dry. It's just so stand-still [because it's on TV].While driving to my job interview this morning, I was able to catch a glimpse of the real live balloons; they're gorgeous. Colorful balloons, some are in shapes of animals or objects - floating throughout the valley of Reno, NV.[[sigh]] Why am I so attracted to these balloons? You would figure it's a beautiful Saturday afternoon and I should be outside watching the balloons, taking pictures of the balloons, HELL - I should be riding in the balloons!! Instead I'm online "blogging" about the damn balloons.That makes me pathetic.I'm off to watch balloons! Cheers ._. Sat, 8 Sep 2007 14:09:54 -0500 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=2777 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=2777 I recieved a DUI a while back. I had taken some Xanax and Valium [to help with the lack of opiates]; and after hanging out with some friends, I made the *smart* decision to drive home at 3 in the morning.Instead of taking the freeway to the exit closest to my house, I got off one exit earlier; taking the back roads.I guess I was driving in the wrong lane for a minute and not maintaining my lane. Of course there was a sheriff behind me [man they just pop up out of nowhere].I didn't want another possession charge, so I quickly shoved the entire bag of Xanax and Valium into my mouth and began chewing. I had purchased 7 Valium and 5 Xanax. The good strong Xanax at that. ANYWAY. Long story short, chewing pills means immidiate high.After failing the sobriety tests; I wasn't able to "walk the line"; nor could I count, I was giggling the entire time, finally I just looked at the cop and said, "Am I getting arrested?" . . . He replied, "Yes." They were kind enough to ask if I had a friend that would come pick up my car so it wouldn't get towed; the cop was looking in my eyes and did ask if I was chewing gum. Now, I had shoved a ziploc bag into my mouth, he probably could tell and I was a bit loopy, so I wasn't being very careful. Honestly, I'm grateful I wasn't charged with "attempt to destroy evidence" . . . he told me to spit it out, I remember trying to blow the bag far out of my mouth as I could, as to not get caught with drugs on me.The rest of the evening, I don't remember. I remember getting into the police car to go to jail; however, I don't remember going to Saint Mary's hospital before going to jail, nor do I remember getting to jail - I do remember him saying, "Danielle, we're there." . . . I think I might have asked, "Where?" . . . because I do remember him saying, "We've arrived at the jail."I don't remember much after that either; I might have been really fucked up because I remember being put into a holding cell and crying and sobbing and mumbling to officiers; I was put into holding until 11am. Again, I remember bits and pieces of booking. Eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, falling asleep in my chair, calling James to see if he would post my bail [which he didn't because I was OR'd]. Anyway, it was a long night/day.Point to this story? . . . Today was my court hearing . . . my arriagnment. I assume I'm automatically guilty and that would make it my sentencing hearing instead. I've been a bundle of nerves all night; and this morning I woke up three different times before court, and the third time forgot to reset my alarm. SO, of course I wake up late. As I'm driving to court I'm shaking and nervous and my anxiety is going through the roof. I call my friend and he fronts me two Dilaudid, which I find more important than court, so I go to his house first, get my fix, then 15 minutes late arrive. I don't know where to go, so I wind up wasting time. Finally I go see my court services lady and explain that I've been lost and need help. She tells me that I'm in the wrong building for one and I'm too late to go to court.Before a bench warrant gets issued I go to Reno Justice Court [not District] and explain my situation to the Arraignment clerk, she looks up my name and that's when I was told they haven't filed charges yet; so whether or not I was on time didn't matter, they had to reschedule me two weeks out. SO now, I'm waiting another two weeks before I go before a judge on this DUI case. Great.I have court on the 12th for my felony charges [the possession charge] so who knows what's going to happen, I might end up in jail before going to court; then maybe I'll just wind up getting time served. I apologize for the uber-long blog, I need to vent and get this off my chest, out of my head, so I can return to thinking clearly again.The abscess on my arm that was so infected it was the size of a ping-pong ball, that was lanced by a doctor [they kept me overnight at the hospital due to the fact they thought the poision from the abscess had gotten into my bloodstream] - is healing quite nicely. It's almost healed completely. Yay for me. Tomorrow is my only day off this week, so I'm off to dreamland. Cheers ._. Tue, 10 Jul 2007 00:07:21 -0500 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=2686 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=2686 It POURS. I was admitted to the hospital on Friday afternoon. I went in at 10am Friday morning to get an abscess taken care of; no thought of staying longer than five hours crossed my mind.I had been shooting Heroin and Cocaine [speedballs] one weekend and I missed a little of the shot; it swelled - like most misses do. However, this was the one that decided to not heal itself; it decided to get infected. I let it go for about one week, getting bigger and more painful. There was a bubble on my arm the size of a ping-pong ball.Since I'm able to obtain Dilaudid, I put off the hospital visits; plus the hospital brings high anxiety and panic attacks. After not being able to sleep and the pills wearing off, I made the decision to go Friday morning. They cut it open, drained it, packed it. I was given shots of Morphine for the pain.Long story short; I was kept overnight at the hospital. The ER Doctor didn't want me to lose my arm and because my fever wasn't coming down, she suspected the infection had gotten into my bloodstream. Sometimes I wish it was and my heart would go ceptic and I would just fall out of this world. My anxiety went through the roof, I've never stayed the night at a hospital. I've never had surgery, I've never been uberly sick; I'm fairly healthy [minus the ED and drug abuse/addictions]. So I began crying hysterically and couldn't get my breathing under control. Everytime my life begins to get straightened out, another wrench is thrown in. Did I mention my antibiotics cost me $204? . . . I was supposed to go to three NA/AA meetings this week - did I mention I didn't attend any? . . . My stress levels are through the roof. . . and we have a two-story house!! [Ha, lame joke]. Cheers ._. Sun, 1 Jul 2007 18:07:29 -0500 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=2497 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=2497 [A]. Boys.I told my boyfriend of one month - we've been seeing each other for a couple, but didn't get serious until recently - that we needed a break. I need some space, some breathing room. I personally feel that we've been spending TOO much time together. He calls all the time, sends text messages all the time [enough messages to make my phone bill $76 more than it should be], he comes over before work, gives me a ride to work, then shows up during my shift, then again right before my shift is over, then we either [a] hang out after work and get a drink, or [b] he drives me home. Is it just me, or are we spending to much time together? I just can't handle it. All the voicemails, the messages, the fact that everytime I turn around he's somewhere! . . . He's a cool guy, but I'm one of those girls that can't handle TOO much affection and time together. I need my breathing room, my space, MY TIME. I explained this too him and he took it all personal; he acted as if I just broke up with him. He wanted to know how long, if this would affect our plans for Memorial Day/his Birthday weekend; then, he cried. I was annoyed with his whole baby act. Maybe I should have been more sympathetic, but I wasn't. I told him this affects nothing except the next few days - let me be. I'll call you, don't call me. Which of course, I didn't tell him because honestly, I probably wouldn't call him for a week. I just ended a relationship with a boy that promised me the world, loved me, wanted to marry me, told me I was his everything; him and I connected really well - but anyway, he ended up moving to Oregon after a [failed] suicide attempt. He just left. One day here, next day gone. He was the second one to do that to me within a six month period. The first one was Chris, we were connected, but I have to admit the drugs helped us connect. Him and I understood each other though and we cared for each other a lot - when I was released from jail Monday morning, he decides to inform me that he's moving to Virginia [the other side of the country] on Friday morning.Another one who promises to "always be there" and he's someone I can "count on" . . . just is gone. So yeah, I have some abandonment issues. Having Robert [the new boy] constantly buying me flowers and telling me how beautiful I am and promising to always be there whenever I need him is very hard for me. It's hard for me to believe, it's hard for me to listen, it's hard for me to take him seriously. My feelings are: I should have remained single after Cody. I should have gotten my head, emotions, and self pulled together before jumping into ANOTHER relationship - it's unfair to me and it's unfair to Robert. My abandonment issues and trust issues stem from other failed boyfriends and I am not giving Robert the fair chance he deserves. HOWEVER! I have explained these situations and concerns with Robert, he doesn't care. He tells me that "I'm the best girlfriend he's ever had" . . . What's the first thing I think of?? Boy, you haven't dated enough have you?? What is that all about? He's already saying "I love you" . . . Great, after one month, the kid thinks he's in love. He asked me to move out with him sometime in the upcoming months. I haven't decided yet. I want to . . . because I think having a roommate would save us both money. I don't want to because he doesn't know of my eating disorder - that's going to make life harder for me [having to hide my purging] . . . or I could just become completely anorexic, claiming "I've already eaten" - however, that excuse won't work forever. I don't know if I want to move in with him because it's good timing . . . I have to move out of the house I'm living in now in the fall, so I don't have much time to save up and get out - he makes good cash and is willing to support me for a little while [until I'm able to get back on my feet]. I don't want to move in with him and use him either. That's fucked up. I just don't know what to do.I am, however, enjoying my space. That's all that matters at this very moment. My quiet, alone time; with who? ME.Cheers ._.    Sat, 26 May 2007 04:05:10 -0500 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=2431 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=2431 I'm an all around addict. I'm addicted to alcohol, drugs, gambling, food - I can over-induldge or abuse ANYTHING. Last night I gambled about $200. Great. Good job. Now I'm broke. I just wasn't paying attention to the time and to the $20's I kept feeding the machine - I had a feeling the machine I was playing would hit big . . . just like any addicted gambler, always hoping for the "big one". Actually, I just wanted to hit a four of a kind and at least break even. It was a good machine, it wanted to hit a four of a kind, it just wasn't quite ready yet . . . I figure if I go down to the Siena today and try my luck, I'll win . . . AGAIN GAMBLER'S THINKING!!So, I spent money that I should be using for my car insurance, my mom's birthday present, Robert's birthday present, my strangly-high cell phone bill, etc. I've been stressing on this for the past 24-hours. . . well actually it's only been about 12. I hate stressing. Especially on situations/events that I CAN'T CHANGE!!! So, God grant me the serenity to ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.I know this week I will be purchasing car insurance. After I'm insured, I'm hoping this Tuesday I can drive down to the DMV and get a 10-day moving permit; that will give me enough time to get my car smogged. . . if I have the cash - which I probably won't.I've also been looking for a second job and a new apartment. Honestly, I believe I would have more motivation to get a second job if I had a drivable vehicle. Once I get my car legalized, life will be a little bit more simplier. Yeah, yeah, gas is about $5/gallon now-a-days, but you know what? . . . At this point, I don't care. The apartment hunting is not going well either; I haven't decided whether or not I want to move in with Robert. I just don't think I could handle living with him. He doesn't know about my ED or any of that, so that would be a huge shocker for him - then again, I would hide it. Living with someone else is hard to do. Whether they're your friend, significant other, mother - doesn't matter, roommates are tough. So what do I do? I can't afford a place on my own, well I could if I gave up my other addictions, ha, that's a good one. Give up my addictions, that's a far away dream. So I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.Some other bad news? I got some sort of a notice from City Center Apartments, something about I have five days to claim I didn't live there - I don't know, I guess they want me to pay May's rent; sorry but I moved out and gave a 30-day notice. Oh yeah, and those bad checks to Scolari's from April/May 2003? I owe about $5,000 and they sent me an itemized/summery of all my debts. How nice of those bill collectors!So, as for the gambling, I'm a little stressed. It feels good to "get it out on paper. . ." well, computer screen at least.Anyway. Enough ranting and raving. I'm off to take some Vicodin - hopefully those will ease my pain. HA.Cheers ._. Fri, 18 May 2007 13:05:13 -0500 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=1397 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=1397 I can't sleep. Maybe it's the lack of alcohol. Maybe it's the lack of opiates. I don't know. If I don't drink enough to blackout stage, I wind up staying up all night. Alcohol wires me up; unless I drink enough to blackout - however, I find myself waking up in the middle of the night and staying up for 2-3 hours.     It sucks. Staying up all the time. Last night I didn't get to bed until 3am; I was watching Stephen King's "The Stand" - great book, good movie. THEN, I was woken up at 7am. I just don't sleep anymore.    I just don't know what to do with myself. Last night I drank 3 glasses of white wine [yuck]. I didn't eat anything all day either - I've noticed the eating disorder is easier to deal with now that I'm living on my own and just don't buy food - instead I go on a "liquid diet" of vodka.     Sigh. My mother is taking me food shopping today. Great, another stressor; however, I guess it will be fun. I plan on attending a meeting or two later - I sure could use one.    Again, today is my new sobriety date and I don't plan on drinking. I need a bigger support network. I need a sponser.    I need something.I've been drinking. I haven't been sleeping. I've been ODing. A day in the life. . . Sun, 14 Jan 2007 11:01:46 -0600 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=1083 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=1083 Cody. A boy in my substance abuse class.Cody went to jail 13 days ago.I wrote him a letter; even though I figured he'd be out before he recieved it. I like him, he's a cool guy.He ended up getting ad-booked [another charge while in jail]; I guess there was a warrant out for his arrest due to unpaid speeding/no insurance/no license ticket; so his sentence is 16 days.He'll be released on the 23rd [Happy Thanksgiving].Point of this story: he received my letter! I had given him my home phone number so that he could call someone if he wanted to talk, I understand how jail is. Lonely.He's called twice. I've talked to him and he just makes me feel good. He asked about the boyfriend [he knows about the previous relapse and the lying]; he asked about my eating disorder [if there's any progress, if I even want progress]; we spoke of his girlfriend of 11 years [my God!] and a Method Man song.It just felt good to talk to someone who's sober and genuinly cares. I love talking to friends.Friends cheer me up.Thank you friends.Cheers ._. Mon, 20 Nov 2006 21:11:42 -0600 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=1078 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=1078 I've been having boy issues; I've had this feeling all day that he went out and used crystal.So after talking to him a couple of times throughout the day, I called one final time to ask him, once again, whether or not he gave in to temptation. He answered on the first ring and I said, "I'm sorry Chris, but you've been acting differently and I just need to know, did you use?"Quiet. Silence."Yes."Yesterday Chris was trying to get me to get crystal, he was jonesing to use and I kept telling him that I hate that drug and I don't want to use. We didn't. He thanked me for being strong and I told him: Don't thank me, I'm not being strong for you; I'm being strong for me . . .Instead, we played Monopoly, and today had a good morning; but, he obviously didn't have a good afternoon.We're done. I'm through with him.I know I've said this before, but tonight I'm really sticking to my guns. He began crying and telling me that I'm all he's got; should have thought about that earlier. I just knew that he used. I just knew!! I'm so good, my stomach aching and just being full of anxiety; I just knew it. I could tell by the way he was talking, he was speaking to fast and short. He told me that he figured that he could hide it from me, well that's not good for a relationship, don't you agree? Lying is bad. Honesty is good.He's lied to me twice about using crystal [the last relapse he had and now this one] and he's also lied to me about texting some girl when we were "fighting". He's lied to me about stupid small shit, but you know what?I don't fucking deserve a boyfriend that is going to continue to lie to me! I don't need people in my life that don't respect my decisions to stay sober!I told him yesterday that if he wanted to get some speed to go for it, but drop me off at home first. I want nothing to do with that fucking drug.I hate it. He knows this.I told him that I don't want to be associated with people that do it. He's doing it.He cried a few times to me, but I didn't want to talk to him. There's nothing that he could say that I want to hear. Of course he says that he's sorry and that he'll stay sober; but then again, haven't I heard that before?? Why is it when he gets high on crystal he suddenly wants to be sober; fuck off Chris. Then he has the nerve to tell me, "I hope to see you get sober too". FUCK YOU, TAKE YOUR OWN FUCKING INVENTORY NOT MINE! I'M NOT THE ONE HIGH ON CRYSTAL METH!!!!He's been calling me on my cell phone and he's been calling my parent's line over and over; I am so hurt and disappointed, but you know what? I'm done.He kept telling me NOT to tell anybody [my parents]; no fucking way am I going to not tell my parents about this.Dave [Chris' roommate] and I were having a discussion about how Chris likes to get high on Morphine or Dilaudid and then begin preaching about staying sober and working a good AA program. Chris doesn't want me to tell anybody because he wants to keep it a secret. He's not going to tell his mother, he's not going to tell his sponser, he's just going to act as though nothing happened; however, something did happen and it is major. He's good at lying to himself. He continued to tell me "give me three days". . . yeah Chris, three days so that it will be out of your system and we can all just pretend that this didn't happen. I'm through, I done with this relationship. I'm fucking sick and tired of putting up with his bullshit.I don't want to put up with this. I don't need to put up with this. I don't deserve this. I deserve a straight up guy; one who will tell me the truth, no matter what; I can handle the truth.It wouldn't have been as big of a deal IF HE DIDN'T FUCKING LIE TO MY FACE. Again, I knew this, I could tell in his voice, his attitude; boy did he feel like an ass after I screamed: I KNEW IT!! I KNEW IT!! I FUCKING KNEW THE ENTIRE TIME!! He thinks he can "hide it". No Chris, you can't; you are just like every other tweeker out there that tries to hide it. PEOPLE CAN TELL.He cried saying "Of course you could tell, you know me pretty well; I don't want to lose you, we're connected". . . Connected? That's why you lie to me.Connected? That's why you don't trust me.Connected? That's why you are self-centered; everything has to be Chris' Way or no way at all.Connected?NOT ANYMORE. Sun, 19 Nov 2006 23:11:25 -0600 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=1072 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=1072 I recorded [thank you DVR!], "The Real World: Las Vegas" marathon on MTV. No. . . I usually don't get involved in those shows. . . Okay, I'm lying. I am obsessed with "Laguna Beach". . . and when I watch "The Real World", I usually get hooked, especially if I watch it from the beginning. Yesterday there was the Vegas marathon and I'm watching it today while waiting for my Aunt, Uncle, and Cousin to come over for a Pre-Thanksgiving Dinner dinner.I want to go party in Vegas so bad. I want to get a hotel room and get fucked up, gamble, win, lose, drink, get high, whatever! . . . Just a weekend away in Sin City would cure whatever it is that ails me! . . . Anyway, I did some Morphine yesterday; that was just bomb. I did one 60mg pill in one shot; that was great. I melted, I did the second pill later in the night, that helped me get to sleep.Anyway, I played Monopoly yesterday and won!Enough from me today; cheers ._. Sun, 19 Nov 2006 17:11:07 -0600 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=1058 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=1058 Nov. 15th was my birthday; I didn't do much [thanks House Arrest, or should I be thanking my addiction for getting me arrested and put on House Arrest?].I was given cigarettes [ha!], a big body pillow, some cash, etc.I was given Morphine on Monday; I went to court today, no UA, thank God!. . . I'm debating whether or not I want to use Morphine later.I shouldn't.I just hate fighting the anxiety and pressue that comes from wanting to use.I'll just keep repeating the Serenity prayer like I have been all day.Cheers ._. Fri, 17 Nov 2006 14:11:48 -0600 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=1009 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=1009 I try not to put myself in situations that I know are dangerous; staying away from old playgrounds, playmates, and playthings is the ultimate goal.I just don't understand how some people can put themselves in an unhealthy situation, not thinking about consequences or "playing the tape all the way through"; then these same people complain about the outcome. Please don't bitch to me when you did it to yourself, when I was there playing the tape through for you, when I laid out your consequences; you asked me for my opinion, I gave it. Thank you.I can't change a person. I can't  make your decisions for you; you're a grown man. Thank you for not listening. Cheers ._. Sat, 11 Nov 2006 01:11:52 -0600 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=994 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=994 I. Today is the Best Day Ever; why and how is that? 24 hours of Spongebob Squarepants!! Other than that. What's new? My house arrest officer came over last night at 9pm; I was reading my little brother his bedtime story and was shocked when I saw Mr. Dondero standing there.II. I began having a panic attack; Mr. Dondero asked what happened in court last Friday, I began crying and told him that I relapsed on crystal due to an eating disorder that I've never dealt with.I figured I was going to jail last night for using a couple of Sunday's ago and not telling him; it's funny how I told everyone else but him!!His partner is a female, so he asked if I would feel more comfortable talking to her; I cried and was completely open and honest about everything.He seemed sympathetic, he told me if I ever needed anything, to call. I told him that I am seeing a therapist once a week; I've never thought of my eating habits as a problem; however, Mental Health Court, my counselor, my therapist, and Mr. Dondero seem to think so. I obvioulsy wasn't arrested [sigh of relief], but I was a little shaken up. Yesterday I used two Dilaudid; and actually I had just finished shooting the second one about an hour before he came over. Luckily he didn't test me; Dilaudid shows up as opium. I was lucky.III. Hmm, enough of that bullshit. Next subject? I drove my unregistered, uninsured car to the courthouse and to see my other probation officer. That was exciting. Ooh, driving illegally, finally some spice in my life!If I get pulled over for ANY reason what-so-ever, I go to jail. Just because I'm on house arrest/probation. So, I won't be doing that in the near future.IV. I'm a little frusterated at the fact the judge still has the "no-work" order on me. I'm broke. I have no money. I'm lucky that my mom buys me cigarettes and the ex-boyfriend contributes to my Dilaudid usage. I need money though. My phone bill is due and it would be nice to buy some more winter clothing. V. Speaking of buying things, my birthday is coming up. On the 15th of November I will be the big 2-2. I'm excited, but a little sad.BUT, it's still my birthday. Thank God. Finally, a day for Danielle.VI. I guess I'm going to stop venting. Thanks for reading and/or caring, and/or NOT caring. Either way. I feel better!Cheers ._. Fri, 10 Nov 2006 00:11:49 -0600 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=856 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=856 Today my doctor prescribed me two new medications; one is an anti-depressant [Mirtazapine], and the second is an anti-anxiety medication [Hydroxyzine:Vistaril]. [Confession Time] On Sunday night I drank two glasses of wine and found myself at the dope dealers house. [Good job Danielle!]; of course, I did a shot of crystal meth [Kudos to you!]; I remained wide awake all night. During my intensive outpatient drug counseling group the following morning, I confessed my wrongdoings and continued to feel like shit.After group I had to check in with court, where they decided a random drug test would be in order [YEAH!]; so again, I confessed, now I'm stressing on going to jail for a week, losing my apartment [Mental Health Court is footing the bill, I would have been moving in tomorrow], and losing my housing right now [my mom finds out I relapsed, I'm out]. Also, I haven't told my mom, I don't want to. If I have to [due to going to jail or house arrest coming over to test me], I'll deal with that then.I've been depressed and my anxiety is through the roof, actually I use bulimia to control my anxiety; however, today I confessed my need to get counseling, I'm getting scared because of physical side effects. Last Thursday after group and court, I began making eggs, toast, and hashbrowns when suddenly my entire face went numb and I wasn't able to control my arm movements; it was if my hand had a mind of it's own, I was really dizzy and had to sit down, I remember I tried reaching for the salt a good four or five times before I was able to finally get a grip on the shaker. I knocked it down a couple of times; and this scares me. I'm beginning to get scared. I've always said that my eating disorder is not a problem until I wind up in the hospital; however, I believe that day is coming soon. My hands and arms are numb right this minute and they have been all day long. I had my blood pressure taken earlier and it's normal [like usual], so I'm just worried. The scariest part of this whole "eating disorder" fiasco, is the fact that I don't think intensive counseling is going to help my problem. I'm seriously considering in-patient; however, that scares me to much, considering I will be losing my only vice, my only anti-anxiety medication; I know that counseling will help a great deal, but I've been to a session. That session was horrible, I was an emotional wreck. I first threw up at the age of 13 - 14 and this is the first time in 8 years I have EVER spoken to someone else about the origins of the eating disorder. My eating disorder really began when I was introduced to laxatives in November of 2004, while heavily into heroin my boyfriend at the time purchased them because he couldn't go. At the end of Dec, we quit the heroin and returned back to heavily slamming crystal methamphetamines.Even though I was using crystal I begin using laxatives on a daily basis; I was arrested in February of 2005, released in March 2005, that's when the laxatives played a significant role in my life. Everyday beginning with five, to seven, to 15 pills in one day! The disease took a turn for the worst in February-March 2006; while in a drug rehab center I wasn't allowed my laxatives and surrendered the ones I had snuck in to the counselers; however, without the laxies around, I begin binging and purging like clockwork; that's where I developed my purging ways, in rehab. It's funny that they threatened to kick me out if I was caught throwing up; however, they never caught on and I did it the entire time I was there. This subject really means a lot to me, it's personal, it's emotional, it's turning physical and I just had to get some of that off of my chest, see it in writing if you know what I mean. Cheers ._. Tue, 31 Oct 2006 19:10:16 -0600 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=847 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=847 Again. I've stayed away from you since Aug. 22, 2006. But tonight, I was weak. Again I turned to your comfort, you give me a sense of "belonging". I don't need you. But yet, again and again, I find myself in your grip. Enough is enough. Mon, 30 Oct 2006 00:10:38 -0600 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=722 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=722 Denial. I'm good at it. Justification. I'm good at that too. Relapse? I'm the best. A drug, is a drug, is a drug, right? Right! Cocaine, Heroin, Cigarettes, Alcohol; all drugs. I have my substance abuse class in the morning [random drug testing], afterwards I have to head over to court and check in there [random drug testing]; and last, but certainly not least, my house arrest officer [the cute, young, Mr. Jon Dondero] can come over to my house at any given time and test me or pry through my belongings. All these situations and the consequences following any positive drug tests steer me away from using cocaine, heroin . . . But not Dilaudid. The ex-boyfriend brought me Dilaudid [synthetic heroin, a pain pill for people in serious pain]. He brought over two and I crushed them, heated them up, and shot them up. I'm in denial that they are addictive drugs. I'm able to justify my use because it's out of your system within 24-hours; this drug, unlike the other illegal ones I've used, hasn't landed me in jail [yet], I haven't pawned my shit for money to afford them, they're cheap, they help me sleep, I'm not spun out or coked out or acting weird. . . These are just excuses and sooner or later, if I continue, I will go to jail, I will not pass go, nor will I collect $200. Cheers ._. Mon, 23 Oct 2006 00:10:09 -0500 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=708 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=708 I'm bored. I've been coloring and trying to fill my time; but there's not a thing to do. My family is watching "Over the Hedge"; I saw it in theatres, I've been watching this season's "Laguna Beach"; I'm tired of TV. I guess I'll go color some more, I just can't focus long enough to sit there. Ah, well. Cheers ._. Sun, 22 Oct 2006 14:10:27 -0500 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=681 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=681 I am feeling so disappointed in myself. I let a friend down and that's just wrong. I was supposed to hang out with her tonight, but I procrastinate and don't follow through with my word. My word is worth nothing. The deal is, I'm supposed to call House Arrest and approve my times out of the house; we were going to go a church thing [I'm not really into church, but she is]; and I didn't call and get the time approved [you're only allowed to call and change times Mon - Thur, 10am - 1pm]. I procrastinated and didn't change times. She told me that she cancelled all her plans just to hang out with me, and I didn't even call her back. I haven't spoken to her since Wednesday. I'm just feeling horrible. I don't even know what to do, whether or not I should e-mail her or call her. Why do I do this? Why don't I follow through? This is old behavior, not calling people back. Actions speak louder than words and I'm screaming, but nothing's happening. I suck. Ah and the best part? To cope and handle the way I feel, I'm going to go purge! Cheers ._. Fri, 20 Oct 2006 22:10:23 -0500 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=673 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=673 . . . make Danielle a dull girl. House Arrest + ADHD - Medication = anxious, bored, pent up energy = Danielle. Today has been interesting [not]. I went to court this morning. I came home. I've been coloring in my Fairly Oddparents coloring book. I have trouble sitting down and concentrating, so I'll color a couple of things then get up and run around the living room table. I've been running up and down the stairs. . . I've been running to answer the door, I've been running and sliding in the kitchen; I've been listening to loud music. I watched "Laguna Beach" [my faovirte Laguna couple broke up, damn!] and also, "Six Degrees". Right now the ex has come over and we are now cleaning his truck. Anyway, I must get going, we need to finish because I'm allowed to leave the house at 4.30pm for an NA meeting! Cheers ._. Fri, 20 Oct 2006 18:10:10 -0500 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=599 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=599 Boyfriend and I fought. He relapsed. I've decided that we're through; I need to do what I need to do; he needs to do what he wants to do. I can't keep him clean, I can't be around it. He disrespected me by coming over to my house Saturday night high. I've been feeling stronger with my recovery; kind of. After the fight on Sunday evening; I didn't eat anything. Yesterday I binged and purged. So technically, I didn't eat yesterday. Today I ate one can of tuna fish. I'm proud. I'm trying to cut back on my food intake. I hate being fat. Cheers ._. Tue, 17 Oct 2006 16:10:11 -0500