http://www.anxietytribe.comAnxietyTribe.com http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=24583 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=24583 I Think i need to find support groups with people my age in my area... Any idea how to find that?! Mon, 9 Jan 2012 15:01:30 -0600 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=21683 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=21683 Soooooo....., My Day started off with my Parent's Waking me up to tell me they were leaving & me pretending that I would be getting up to go to Work, but in all reality, I had called the Night b4 and Said my Grandpap died and I had to leave town, so I pretty much lied to everyone.... & I'm not proud of it, I'm not happy w/ myself, but I just couldn't take a chance of going and panicing @ a place that I want to work, that I need to work. Then.. I was up for a while, my phone rang, and I was on it, but it said a familiar name.. My old bestfriend's Dad.. I missed the call, so I tried to call back & no answer. I tried texting & saying, is this Janice, but no answer.. & When I was talking to my Gram, the same # called back.. Answered and it was Janice.... My old best friend, who has the daughter Alexis.. I Think I wrote about them before.. But we haven't talked in a looong time.. She said, have you talked to Jim, Jim is her 2nd child's Dad, Her Baby that is not even 4 month's yet, and asked if I was friend's w/ Him on facebook. I despise Him, so I'm not sure why She would even think that.. but then she said he and I broke up, bc I didn't have my shit together, He kept warning me to get it together, but I never listened, like he is Her Dad or something.. & finally He just left, and it was my own fault.. So now I just got a job online and She said he is happy and that He Wished She would have done it for the right reason's, whatever.. But they were supposiably gonna get back together, even though on his Facebook it says he has a new gf. But then he started Hearing all this stuff, and this is when I supposiably come into play, it is stuff that happened TEN YEARS ago!! About stuff that happened up my other friend's and her's ex boyfriends house.. It was a crazy party house, and the thing was I never went there..!! But according to Jim he was getting this info from Three different ppl, none of which knew each other and one of the Girls Lives on the same Road as me. Everyone said I shouldn't have answered, and She acted all cool after I told Her no and was talking about Life and what She's been up to and asked me whats going on w/ me, but everyone said that I should have hung up when she accused me.. It's been so long and She was my bestfriend, and I could Hear Alexis Sounding so grown up.. = ( made me sad.. She said, She has Her own car, and that She just a got a job, online, that pays better then any other job She has had, I'd LOVE to know how to find that kind of job, and She Hopes to be moved out in the next Month or so.. She's Living w/ her Dad, 2 kids, a Dog, Him and His GF in a duplex, so Idk how thats going.. She said I'll talk to you later, but I doubt it.. & I have to be okay w/ that.. I got a little anxious b4, talking to the ex.. Wanted to try and be "sexy" for him, and I couldn't do do it.. Im so back and forth with him, it annoys me, I cant Imagine how He feel's.! Since I didn't go to Work Today my Parent's Said that I should make an appointment to go See my Therapist, I know what She will say tho.. I dont know if I'll Look for a new one of not, actually I'm gonna have to because I'll be off's my Parent's Insurance in a few weeks, on my 26th Bday, ugh im so old.. Janice BIrthday is the day b4 mine but She'll be 27.... It's super late, and I'm sorry I use this for a journal even when it's not having to do with anxiety, but sometimes it seems like everything, every decision I make is based around anxiety. My Aunt wants me to come out w/ her to get the Baby and then stay and hang out with my Cousin, cause its Her Bday this Weekend, I don't Think I'll do that, ugh = /. I'm sleepy now and the Steelers Won Lol!!!! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 Fri, 2 Sep 2011 01:09:09 -0500 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=21663 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=21663 SO TOMORROW MY PARENT'S ARE GOING AWAY AND THAT SCARES ME, MAKES ME ANXIOUS.. BUT THEN I HAVE TO GO TO MY SECOND DAY OF WORK, WHICH SCARES ME EVEN MORE.. & I GOT INTO A BIG FIGHT WITH THEM ABOUT IT BECAUSE SINCE MY BROTHER'S CAR DIDN'T PASS INSPECTION AND HE CAN'T DRIVE IT, HE HAS TO GET TO SCHOOL, SO HE WOULD HAVE TO USE MY DAD'S CAR & MY SISTER HAS HER OWN CAR, SO THEY WOULD EACH TAKE ME OR PICK ME UP FROM WORK, SO NOT ONLY WOULD MY PARENTS BE MILES AND MILES AWAY BUT I'D HAVE NO CAR AT THIS JOB! IT'S LIKE WHY DO I GET SCREWED? YOU KNOW THAT WORKING IS HARD ENOUGH FOR ME AND IM TRYING TO MAKE THESE STEPS BUT YOU KEEP PUSHING ME AND PUSHING ME AND THEN GET MAD @ ME BECAUSE I CAN'T DO IT. LIKE I NEED A LITTLE BIT OF A BREAK, I DONT NEED IT ALL ON MY SHOULDER'S.! I CAN'T HANDLE IT ALL ON MY SHOULDER'S.. & THEN THEY BRING UP STRESSING OUT MY MUM AND HER GETTING SICK, LIKE ITS ALL MY FAULT IF MY MUM GETS SICK. I LOVE MY MUM AND DONT WANT HER TO BE SICK OR STRESSED, BUT I CAN ONLY PUSH MYSELF SO MUCH @ A TIME!!!! THEY JUST DONT GET IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I KNOW THAT EVERYONE SAYS DON'T WORRY ABOUT GUYS, FOCUS ON MYSELF, BUT I'M SICK OF BEING LONELY! IM TIRED OF THINKING ABOUT ALL THE PAST GUYS WHO HAVE SAID THEY CARED ABOUT ME, THE ONES WHO MADE ME FALL FOR THEM AND THEN WALKED AWAY. IM 25, GOING TO BE 26 YEARS OLD AND I HAVE NO ONE BY MY SIDE. I LOVE MY FAMILY, I'LL ALWAYS LOVE THEM AND BE SO THANKFUL FOR THEM BUT I CAN'T RELY ON THEM OR CRY TO THAM ALL THE TIME BC A. THEY HAVE THEIR OWN LIVES & B. I DONT WANT TO DO THAT TO THEM! IM JUST TIRED IM SOO TIRED OF IT ALL. IM REACHING LIKE ULTIMATE STRESS LEVEL AND I DONT KNOW HOW TO TURN IT AROUND, I DONT KNOW HOW TO BE HAPPY. I JUST WANT TO SHUT EVERYONE OUT AND MOVE FAR AWAY AND START ALL OVER. BUT I KNOW I COULDNT DO THAT, BC IM SCARED TO PRETTY MUCH DO ANYTHING! FML SERIOUSLY, I GIVE UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 Wed, 31 Aug 2011 15:08:17 -0500 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=21659 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=21659 My 1st Day of Work went Well, well all I did was sit & read some book about company policies and filled out papers and then I waited and waited for the Manager to come back, and then I left lol. It was only about 2 1/2 hours, and so will be Thursday, just to get me into the System and have all the necesseary paper work filled out. & I have to Remember to find my Birth Certificate since I lost my Soc. Card haha. I dont know if my Parents are going away, bc my Mum isnt feeling well, Her leg is really hurting Her.. She doesnt go for an MRI till next Week tho. I HATE BEING LONELY!! I REMEMBER MY X BOYFRIEND,WE WOULD STAY @ HOTEL'S, NEVER ALONE, BUT HE WAS KICKED OUT OF MY AUNT'S HOUSE ALONE WITH MY COUSIN, SO WE WOULD ALL GO THERE AND HANG OUT.. BUT IT WAS NICE WAKING UP NEXT TO HIM, NICE KNOWING HE WAS SLEEPING NEXT TO ME. WE NEVER DID ANYTHING, JUST CUDDLED AND WOKE UP TOGETHER, USUALLY ON SEPERATE SIDES OF THE BED AND WE FOUGHT OVER THE COVER'S HAHA, BUT IT WAS NICE.. I MISS IT!! IT WAS A NICE FEELING EVEN THO HE WAS A JERK!!!!!!!!!! UGH!!!! Just Hope things keep going good & I can meet someone and stop being so damn lonely!!!! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 Tue, 30 Aug 2011 23:08:39 -0500 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=21653 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=21653 Ugh I am so bad, I typed my blog and it all got erased bc my Computer shut down, I was soo sad = (! Tomorrow I start my new Job, I dont know if it will just be paper work and some computer stuff or what, but im super super nervous!! I want to do good, I want this to be a great whole new start, I want to make new friends, meet new people, be good at this job and Hopefully enjoy it.. & It's all confusing now bc my Brother's Car is broke and not fixable, and He has to get to School Everyday so the Car situation may get a little hectic. Going to Work w/out a car, yah thats gonna be nerve wracking. & Working whle my Parents are out of Town, that freaks me outtttt! I ended it with my bf Today, was it the right thing? I Think..... But i'm not sure, I had an idea of how things could be, but I dont know if they would have worked out that way, maybe I need time to get me straight & I'm just gonna have to Believe if its meant to be it will be.. But me being with Him and talking to other guys, Looking 4 other guy's, I even went out on a date with another guy, THAT IS NOT ME! I have never ever ever ever been that person who Thougth any of that was okay & If im not sure and I'm Looking else where I cant be with Him. I cant be with someone bc it's easy or bc I Think thats who I'm supposed too be w/.! & then this other guy, my past Love, I can't date him, I cant talk to him like i do and be all lovey with him, bc He is with another girl, weather He is happy or not, He is with Her.. I was the other women once and I felt like crap for doing it because I have been cheated on & again this isn't me. This is not the person I am or ever want to be.!!!!! He's a jerk anyway's, told me He was fighting some guys last night bc they were gonna jump His Cousin, that's y he Didn't answer my texts or call's.. He also said he went to the Police Station and then straight to work so He didn't have time to call me, stupid me believed his cute little apology but then He did the same crap Tonight, no call back and no texts! Whatever. I gotta get me straight, bc thats not the kind of relationship thats gonna go anywhere or make me happy. Well I have to get up and take my Mum to work, Im not a Morning Person & I also have to take Her for Blood Work. I feel bad bc since I dont know how long I'll have to be @ Work 2morrow, She has to stay at Work during Her Lunch Break. Hopefully it all works out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 Mon, 29 Aug 2011 23:08:15 -0500 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=21636 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=21636 Boooored.. So I figured I'm gonna write some of my Dream's, What I want for my Future: = ) Start Working & Hopefully enjoy it, work hard.. Start gaining my confidence back, with myself, inside & outside.... Which also means getting a control of my anxiety & Hopefully beating it!!!! I Think I know who I am and what I want, but really figuring that out. HOPEFULLY finding Mr. Right, I have been talking to an ex, who I fell in Love just by talking too, He makes me Laugh, He has these moments where He is sweet as can be, He trusted me and told me things that He never told anyone, I can talk to Him for hours.. Buttttttt, He has a girlfriend, well technically, He lives with Her bc He cant save his $ and hasnt moved out. He say's He sleeps on the Couch & is tired of the drama and the bull shit games, and really wants to be happy in Love. We had drama w/ this b4 and Him not being so honest, So I dont know how things are gonna go, but He really has my Heart.. Starting online school, after I pay back my debt that I owe to a school, for social work. Having $$$$ for a car, new clothes, join a gym, nice new hair do & highlights, new shoes, new purses,nails, tanning, anything haha, etc.... = )! I may go back to my Therapist just to talk about things, getting more of my Life, Independent Life, back on track. Making new friends, so I can have a social life! Mending my relationships, with my Family. Being Happy. Moving out, Apartment w/ someone or myself. Getting Married. Having Babies & being a Great Mommy = )! PRAYING All the time they come true & Hoping Ill be Happy with a good Life. I dont want the ghetto lifestyle either haha! Anxiety seems to be the biggest thing standing in my way. Maybe its myself, idk...!!!! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 Sun, 28 Aug 2011 18:08:08 -0500 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=21629 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=21629 Soo, went with my Aunt Yesterday to get the Baby & take Him back to Her House, and wait for some of the Family to come over to sing Happy Birthday To My Gram.! They Baby is so funny, He tries to say words here and there, but its usually just mumble baby talk, but His new Favirote word is "NOOO" lol. He usually Laughs and get a kick out of it when He Says it to.! He favor's my Aunt bc She is Gramma and caters to every whine & wimper, and spoils Him very much = ), its annoying, but She Loves Her GrandBaby lol. & She has been there for me w/ my anxiety. We had a nice time though... My Brother & Sister bought my Parents a gift card for the movies and for a Resturant, but they signed my name to the card, so Im gonna owe them $$$$, Im sure my Parents know, but it was nice of them not to leave me out. I got a call from the place I went to interview, and was offered the job! I felt like it was a pretty big deal bc, it seems, to me atleast, like a good job. But the thing is my Brother's Car isnt working right now and may not pass inspection and He has to get to School, so what am I gonna do?? A Bus goes there, but taking a Bus would put my anxiety on HIGH, but it costs money to take a bus, and I gotta walk a couple blocks in my dress clothes and shoes, for a Bus that maybe on time and may not be. Its frustrating! My Sister said Congrats but Idk whats even gonna happen, atleast She said it tho. It could be a great opprtunity for me.. Am I scared if things do work out & I do start a new job there?? YESSSSSS! Terrified, but I can make my Life soo much better, im trying VERY hard to Believe that!!!!! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 Sat, 27 Aug 2011 22:08:26 -0500 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=21610 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=21610 So Today was a better Day..... I Woke up super late, maybe bc the Storms woke me up super early! But I didn't even try to go to Sleep until 3 or 4 A.M., Idk why I stay up so late, but Night time is my time... I don't know, I know its bad.. But anyway's, I went to the store with my Mum, we had to get my Grandma a present, Today is Her Bday (the 26th), as well as my Cousin's Bday and my Parents Anniversary! We are having cake & ice cream @ my Aunt's. Im going w/ Her to pick up the Baby from daycare, which is scaring me...! I dont want to panic or have anxiety, I go over in my Mind going to get Him, like the car ride there and then back to my Aunts, where my Mum and everyone will come. PRAY that everything works out and I am okay.. But I went with my Friend Today after I went with my Mum, and my Mum gave in & paid my phone bill, as well as said I maybe getting on their phone plan for my Bday, which would be great bc I HAAATEEE the pay as you go crap!!!! But me and my friend Erika, who doesnt know all that much about me having anxiety, went to the Carni., I had to let Her Drive, so I didnt have my car for my "escape" even though the Carnival was a couple blocks away. But it ended up being a good time, We walked around, played some games, went to the Flea Market, I have known Her since Elementary school and no matter how much time passes, We can just pick up our Friendship where we left off. Its good & I can talk to Her about things im stressing about, like the guy drama! She really doesnt want me to settle.!! Then We went to Her Parent's House bc I wanted to See Her Sister's Daughter, they werent there so we went to Caribou and ended up meeting them up there.. Super cute! Little twinge of anixety but tried to put it out of my Mind & I did end up having a nice time = )! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 Thu, 25 Aug 2011 23:08:50 -0500 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=21601 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=21601 Yupp, im tired again.. I Think its bc I stay up so late and then Sleep super late, and that doesnt do good for me or my Mums mood.! I have been sorta miserable Today, just feeling ehh really.. I was tired and down, I dont know why. I mean I do, bc of how I Live my Life, but id why I just got in that mood. I was supposed to go to the Carnival w/ my Friend Erika and I was Looking forward to it, bc We also go to the Flea Market, but I ended up telling Her I Think its supposed to Rain 2Night, can We go 2morrow, but its supposed to actually storm 2morrow. I dont know why I didnt want to go. But I guess its bc sometimes, when Im Feeling extra anxious & I go out, sometimes I See things from the corner of my eye and they aren't there, or I See a garbage can or something up ahead and Think its a person when it's not. Ppl have told me that its normal, but I Think since I have anxiety and am terrified of going crazy, I am on very high alert and tricking myself into it happening.. If that makes sense. Does that happen to anyoe else???? It just freaks me out even though I know anxiety plays tricks on ur mind = /, doesnt really make me feel better, just more anxious and more depressed.! & then there is my boyfriend, He is a good, sweet guy. He went out & bought a web cam Today bc I asked Him too. I Think He would really do anything for me, but there is like sparks kind of attraction. But I dont want to break up w/ Him, A. Bc I dont want to hurt Him. B. Bc I'm not sure its the right thing to do bc we both Want the same things in the Future. So its really got me confused and really getting to me. Like we really dont even See each other & its bc of me! I dont ever really want to See him & I dont know why!!!!!!!!! Ugh I am just so stressed & its just so dumb I cant make a damn decision!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! & Have no one to really talk to!!!! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 Wed, 24 Aug 2011 22:08:02 -0500 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=21578 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=21578 My mood always seems to be sleepy or tired.. Mabye its bc I type @ Night, but Idk, I just seem to always be these Days.! I went for my Drug test Today, but I was really nervous about it bc it was right after we had those earthquake after shocks. I was sitting against my wall on the computer and I felt my back vibrating or shaking, it felt weird, but I kinda Thought it was just bc We have ppl working on our roof, and I Remember Thinking that's not good, our walls must be unsteady lol. Then everyone started posting on Facebook about the Earthquake. It was pretty scarey!! & then the post's started about the World coming to an end, and this is just another sign. That freaked me out even worse! Why would I want to leave my House and go somewhere, by myself after that? I really didn't! My chest started to get tight and I had chest pains, Thought I was gonna have a Heart Attack! I told my Mum, but She just gets mad about it, and gets mad when I say the things that are bothering me.. I guess after all this time anyone would be a little annoyed or fed up, but some reason it Helps me Feel a little better when I tell someone and especially my Mum, Idk why bc it makes Her the most mad! I know my Mum doesnt need the added stress, but She has been the one who always knew what was going on with me with anxiety and never was easy on me about it & I guess I sorta Looked at that as a good thing/comforting.. I dont know why, but I guess if She didnt ask me, are you okay, then She wasnt giving into my anxiety like I was. I made it thru okay tho = )! & Hopefully that Earthquake thing wont happen again and the end of the World talk will stop!! So, I have been feeling super guilty about Looking around while Im still w/ D.J., but I havent broke up with Him bc I am so back and forth about it!! One minute, He's not what I want & the next minute I want to try with Him bc I Think there could be something really great with us. Ugh!! Its bothering me sooooo bad!! But this Saturday, We are gonna go to the Carnival by my House, scarey enough even tho its like 3 blocks away, but to top it off, I told Him we should take His Daughter, She is 5 or 6, but in order to do that I have to meet Her Mom! She is a Year younger then me, know her from School, never really talked or anything so I guess I know of Her more then actually know Her.! But thats a huuugeeee thing to meet Her Mom, I never even met Her. Idk why She wants too meet me, I mean I do know why, but She never introduced Her BF.. Idk, we will See what happens I guess. Im nervous just to meet His Daughter, So I guess I have to figure things out b4 Saturday. Friday I am supposed to go with my Aunt to get the Baby and then go back to Her House for my Gram's Bday Cake, its also my Cousin's Birthday and my Parent's Anniversary, 27th! I can't Believe that have been Married that long!! Time goes by so fast, but thats a great kind of Love, even thru the stress and the fights!! I dont have money to get them a gift and that makes me feel awful! My Brother & Sister are probably gonna get them a giftcard to go out to Dinner and sign my name, told them not to tho. So idk. & I Think my Parents are gonna go away, next Weekend, Idk if they will Drive or take a Plane, having my Parents far away, uh huh pretty terrifying!! Not as bad as it once was, but its up there! I guess we will see JUST PRAY THAT I HAVE STRENGTH TO BEAT THE ANXIETY AND IT ALL GOES GOOD = )!!!! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 Tue, 23 Aug 2011 21:08:55 -0500 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=21552 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=21552 So this Morning my Mum Woke me up to take Her to Work, needed the car so that I could have the car to go to my Working Interview. I was super tired & I dont have any minutes on my cell phone, so I worry about getting a panic attack and not being able to get a hold of someone bc I have no phone.... I try and get money from my Parent's, but Im 25 & my Mom shouldnt even be working full time, and when I Sleep all Day, that doesnt Help... It is super annoying not having a phone! Anyway's, I did go, I go there right on time, thank goodness bc I Thought I was gonna be late, was getting every light! I was there for an hour and a half, kinda following ppl around and greeting customer's. I am kinda shy, Idk if its from the anxiety or not, bc when I was younger my Parents say I would talk to anyone, and wasnt shy at all, no one in my Family would call me shy though lol. So i kinda just layed back a little & tried to Watch. So now I have to take a drug test and then They will call me and HOPEFULLY they will be offering me a job, but I have an interview @ a daycare on Thursday, its not alot of hours, I dont know if it could grow into more or not. It is something I'll probably ask & if I get offered both jobs the pay and the hours will Help me make a decision, just Hope I get one.! I need $ and I need to have some, start getting some type of independence. I left at about 1 and I had to pick up my Mum @ 2, so I had to sit in the car instead of driving all the way Home & then going back out that way to get my Mom. So, Im tired, anxiety is okay.. Its always up and down, depending on what Im doing and where I am at. &if I start Thinking about it. Whats my deal with guys?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? I like bad boys, but I dont know why, if I meet a bad boy or talk to one that is into me, I get Butterflies and I like them, want to be with them. But I have a nice guy and He is sweet and I do like Him, but I never get those feelings like I do about the bad boys. I dont kno why, its really bothering me and getting to me. How many times does my Heart have to be broken for me to stop with those guys.? I really dont know what to do. Its bugging me bc I cant settle down and have the Life I want with that type of guy, but can I do it with a good guy if I dont get those Feelings?!?!?! Ugh! I know its not anxiety, but it's something, one of the many things that is on my mind all the time, and has to do with inability to make decisions.......!!!!!!!! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 Mon, 22 Aug 2011 19:08:32 -0500 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=21543 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=21543 Today was my little Cousin Kara's Bday Party, 8, time goes by so fast! She had it an icecream parlor, Sugar&Spice, it was yummy. My Aunt & Uncle, the ones who were really mean to my Dad after my Grandma died, didnt talk to us, besides my Aunt said goodbye, and She looked like she tried talking to my Dad. I know my Dad misses His Sister & I miss my Aunt. The akwardness is not a good feeling when you're supposed to be having a nice Family get together. & on my Dad's side, its a small Family. I have been worried about my Dad lately too, He just seems really down & has been getting Headaches, and it worries me. My Dad is just always joking and being the Happier one in the House, so it makes me worried.. Idk whats really bothering HIm. Maybe its my Aunt, maybe its Missing my Gram, maybe it's me.. I dont know. Just Hope He is okay. Someone I knew from School just lost their Dad & it makes me appreciate my Dad all that much more! So I have an "audition" 2morrow @ an Eyeglass place 2Morrow, its fairly close to my House, about 5-10 mins and my Mom only works about 2 mins away, but Im still pretty nervous!! I want to do good, so I can get back in the swing of things and get my Life back to normal!! "Normal" intresting word, lol, bc idk the last time things were normal. But getting a job like this could Help things in my Life, def. Help my Relationship w/ my Family. & having Money, oh that will be nice. So we will See, Im always nervous, but its beating that fear that is gonna better me. I just gotta Remember that! & a few other anxiety facts!! Well Im Tired and Hope I can get to Bed @ a decent hour 2night! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 Sun, 21 Aug 2011 22:08:00 -0500 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=21528 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=21528 I don't really know where to start.. Thing's have NOT gotten any better. When I was writing on here last time, I was working & starting to feel a bit better about my anxiety.. But that all went down the hill... The job got to me, the manager wasn't being very nice, talking behind my back, I Think i wrote about that b4 & I got mad, i didn't want to deal with it, I over reacted *which I totally regret now* and told Him I saw what he had wrote & i quit.. He told me that I should have been fired bc I didnt tell him about my anxiety when I fist got hired, umm.. but I really don't think that's legal. Someone doesnt ask him if he has a problem & what if he didnt tell them he had diabetes?? Then he should be fired??.. I didn't say that to him, why? I guess bc I felt bad, I alway's feel guilty, even when the person is mean to me.! But anway's, I left a job that at the end of the day I really liked and was really going good for me and was very close to my House... & As soon as I quit everything went backward's, back to the old me.! I have been staying up late again & sleeping all day. I'm alway's tired. I don't go out much, although I have gotten out a few times in the last couple of week's. I went w/ my Aunt to get my Baby Cousin, which I had been doing for a while now & had a panic attack, it was really unexpected and really got me off guard, it got me really down because I just couldn't believe I was having one again! I thought I was past them, but maybe i'll never realy be over them. Now a day's, my fear is going crazy. I worry and make things up in my head, the dumbest things, idk y! I hate it. But most Day's im convinced i'm gonna crazy.. B4 it was that I was gonna stop Breathing & then I had another fear and now its this.. Guess Im going down the list. I have been told over and over you don't go crazy from panic attacks & if you were going crazy then you wouldn't know you were.. So why is this on my mind all the time, well 99% of it is when I go out. I want so much better, I want so much more for my life but I have these STUPID fears in my way! Now I have a boyfriend, but im so indecisive, that I dont know how I feel about him... Lol.! Is this from anxiety or is this just bc I dont know how to listen to my Heart.. I have been wrong so many times b4 that maybe I stopped listening to it.. I don't know. I dont really have ppl to talk to, I have my Family but they have thing's going on & I can't let them know how down I really am! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 Fri, 19 Aug 2011 21:08:23 -0500 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=21516 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=21516 Hey Everyone, I havent been on here in a long time, lots has happened.. I got my Sisters old lap top now, so hopefully ill be able to be on more, i need it! Need ppl in my Life who can understand me! I'll update more later, Hope everyone is doing good = )! Thu, 18 Aug 2011 17:08:53 -0500 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=20658 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=20658 SOO.. I WROTE B4 HOW MY WORK WANTED ME TO GO ABOUT AN HOUR AWAY FOR EXTRA TRAINING 4 A COUPLE DAY'S, SO I JUST HAD TO FLAT OUT SAY I HAVE PANIC ATTACK'S, I KNOW MY LIMIT'S AND I CAN'T GO TAHT FAR.! THE "MANAGER" WAS NOT VERY NICE ABOUT IT @ FIRST, SHE SAID SHE DIDN'T UNDERSTAND WHY I WAS MAKING SUCH A BIG DEAL OUT OF IT, BUT I TRIED TO TELL HER ITS BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO LOOSE MY JOB, DUH!... &SHE SAID THAT I WASA GOOD WORKER, SHE JUST DIDN'T WANT THIS TOO EFFECT MY EMPLOYEE STATUS.! SO THE BOSS CAME IN TODAY AND I EXPLAINNED THE SAME THING TO HIM.! BUT WHEN HE LEFT HE LEFT HIS EMAIL OPEN, AND COME ON ON I AM ONLY HUMAN, I WAS NEBBY AND DECIDED TO BROWSE IT HAHA. WELL I CAME ACROSS AN EMAIL W/ HIM & MY MANAGER AND SHE SAID THAT, I DON'T GET THIS COURTNEY THING @ ALL!!!! & HE SAID WELL I AM GOING TO THAT STORE TODAY SO I WILL TALK TO HER, HE SAID I'VE ABOUT HAD WITH ALL THE CRAZIES AND WANT TO ELIMINATE SOME PEOPLE AND IT WILL BE ALL OKAY! NOW I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE DEAL W/ THESE 2 ARE BUT IM NOT THE ONLY ONE THEY HAVE TALKED ABOUT IT! & IT'S NOT EVEN THE FACT THAT THEY TALKED ABOUT ME, IF THEY WANT TO BE LIKE THAT, THEN WHAT CAN I REALLY DO!? IT'S THE FACT THAT IDK IF HE WAS CALLING ME CRAZY OR NOT! & IF HE WAS, HOW DARE HE?! HE HAS A LOT OF MEDICAL ISSUES AND I DON'T TALK DOWN ABOUT HIM BC OF THEM, BUT ISNT ONE OF THE BIGGEST FEAR'S OF SOMEONE WITH SEVERE ANXIETY AND PANIC THAT WE ARE GONNA GO CRAZY!??! SO I TOOK IT TO HEART & AM JUST REALLY UPSET, BC I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO DO MY BEST AND WORK HARD!!!!!!!!!!!!! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 Mon, 23 May 2011 15:05:42 -0500 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=20644 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=20644 Work has been stressful, I have been here working almost two month's, and only two weeks of training, so I've been here the majority of the time by myself. First, my manager, is like if you have any Question's feel free to instant message me or one of the other girl's from Cricket if you have any question's. So I did, when I was training the store was dead because We were new and no one knew about us, so being here by myself I have come across thing's I didn't know about and we also got a new a system, so of course I'm gonna ask Question's.... & Then I guess they didn't appreciate me asking alot of question's, why I don't know?!, but my Manager said, you need to stop asking so many ?'s because if you keep asking you will never learn.... Um... okay!!!! So I have been trying to do thing's more on my own and whenever I mess up, She say's these are thing's you shouldn't be messing up on!! Really??? She again tell's me dont hesitate to call if you need Help..... So I got an email from her on my Day off, I can't even have a Day away from this place, saying that the owner, who is my boss and her boss, want's me to go to the busier store and do some more training, this store though is over an hour away, and the owner (who is a littleeeee creepy) would drive me back and forth, bc before I got hired here I told them I couldn't work out there.. So i decided to write my manager an email saying I wasn't comforable with that because I have bad anxiety and really didn't want to travel that far away.. She was pretty rude about it for the most part but did say that, she thought I had been doing an excellent job, there are just small thing's to work on.. But it's pretty obvious she is the one telling the owner stuff because He is ALWAYS out of town, I have not seen him here since I first started.! She told me to email Him, and I might not like the answer He gives me, So i did email Him and explained to Him that I was a little confused by the whole matter and that I didn't feel comforable going out there, but He hasn't responded and I guess that's fine since He is out of town, but He is posting pics and talking to people on facebook, all from his phone, and he gets his email's to his phone. So I'm pretty anxious about that and I have been trying to Look for other jobs, but this one is just perfect because I can work on my school work here during the day, I'm applying to online school's, and it's so close to Home that I don't have to worry about a Car right now. So I'm not sure what's going on but that's on my mind & stressing me out!! The end of the World stuff that has been all the talk has gotten me pretty nervous, I'm not gonna lie!! Boy's are also on my mind, ugh! Do I go with my gut when it comes to a guy, but what If I dont know really what my gut or Heart are telling me?! I'm stressssseeeeeedddddd!!!!! Sat, 21 May 2011 14:05:13 -0500 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=20591 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=20591 So, Im super tired! I had a long weekend for my Mum's Birthday, I requested off for Friday and Saturday which was great, had stomache ache's all weekend which wasn't fun, but it was nice being off. I really didn't feel like going to work this Morning, partly bc I still wasnt feeling well, and since I slept most of the Day Sunday I couldn't sleep so I was tired, and just having off 3 day's kinda kicks the anxiety up a bit.... I seem to be able to do more then I have before but the anxiety is always kinda there, is there ever gonna be a time when I'll be able to do thing's without the anxiety in my mind, without having a panic attack?! I really really really Hope so. B/c im sick of Feeling anxious or having panic attack's, small or big.. But I did go to work, especially bc my Manager was very rude when I sent Her a text this Morning that I wasn't feeling well.. I emailed Her afterwards, explaining that I came into work so the store wouldn't have to be closed no matter if I felt sick or not, and got no reply. & I also had to tell Her more..... I had a little bit of action @ Work. A Girl came In all upset that She lost Her Mom's phone, and Her Mom was gonna kill Her bc She let Her borrow it, but I couldn't do much because We don't replace phones here, so I told Her to go to the Coperate store, but before I could do that She made me call the Coperate store, so She didn't have to take a Bus all the way there ( like 10 mins away ), which I did, and I had to call more than once because they are a busy store and don't answer. In the mean time, She started to walk outside and was yelling to Her Boyfriend, who then came in with Her, mad about something... They were both looking like they were on drug's, and next thing I know She hid her phone in her pocket and told Him She threw it away, and Her purse was all over the ground.... She is yelling that She doesn't trust him, that She is done w/ him, but then She is saying that She is 3 Month's Pregnant with His Kid, She can't believe He is doing this too Her, but She said that She was so excited to have an abortion, and He didn't like this.. I guess He tried to take Her Money bc that's What She started yelling, I'm calling the Cops give me a phone, I'm calling Them bc You are stealing my Money.. He was trying to be nice @ this point, saying calm down, i'll buy you a phone, as they were sitting on my floor! It kept going, until He left and starting digging threw the trash outside and She followed, yelling, but leaving Her stuff in my store.. They both came back..... I ended up calling the Police, hung up so they wouldn't know and the Police then call back, I didn't want them to know I called..!! They did call back and Lucky I could give them detail's bc they were to busy yelling and not Listening to me.! The Police came and yelled @ them, I guess they had problems with them before because He told them were no longer welcome in our Borough, She was saying sorry & they saw the mess that They made in Her and yelled @ Her to get Her stuff and asked me if I wanted them in there, I said no, scarey though!!The whole situation could have been a lot worse and it scared me bc I didn't know if He'd hit her or not or how it would play out. The man from across the street even came over haha. But when I emailed my Manager about that, she had NOTHING to say, sweet of Her! But My Mum told me how proud of me She is for going to work Today when I didn't feel well and for dealing with the situation so good, so that made me feel good = ) !!!! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 Mon, 16 May 2011 15:05:58 -0500 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=20526 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=20526 Well I guess the past just has a way of sneaking up on you, and I guess it really depends if you made Peace with the past on weather it bothers you or not.. My Best friend in highschool and then for year's after that, me and her had a huge falling out, she did some pretty shitty thing's too me and it wasn't just her in the mix, it was her little girl, I was attached to her daughter, I was there since the day she was born, and me and her daughter were bonded without a doubt. So when i lost my bestfriend i lost her as well, and it broke my heart, it broke me down in a lot of way's.. My anxiety is what she blamed to be the biggest part of our friendship not working, but I know that in reality it was her not knowing how to be a friend. But at the end of the day I still miss her, I was just looking @ her facebook, I dont know why I do that but I tend to look at alot of ppl's from my past facebook's, just makes me depressed normally,. but i guess I like to see whats going on.. Well She is having her second Baby, not the same Dad for the both kids, this was a boy. I knwo she always wanted another kid even though she complained about having the first, but she was a girl who wanted a guy and wanted to please that guy so she could keep him and move out of her Parent's House.. But seeing the pictures of the new baby makes me sad, I wish I was there for her and to see the new little one, hold him, get to know him.. But I'm not and I can't be.. I have tried, stupidly, on several occasions to say a few words and reach out to my old friend, always failed.. My Family would think i was a complete idiot if i even tried to really be her friend again, and they'd be right.. How can a person who has done so many hurtful and hateful things have a life that I Dream about.. I mean i don't want EXACTLY what, but I want the guy and the place of our own and the Kid's.. When I think about the Future my anxiety always comes into play, its a sucky feeling! I wonder if I will ever get there, bc of it....... I don't know. I Hope so, and Im trying now more than ever to believe I will get there, but sometimes I just don't know...... Negative Thought's, I know, terriable thing for a person with anxiety.. I see old friend's pics and Im sad & Jealous, I Wish I could just let it all go, remember but let it go.! Mothers Day was nice, we went to the Cemetary and my Dad and Sister were in tear's and my Brother and Mum were a little chocked up, and me I'm the most emotional of the Family, but I didn't cry, Idk why.. I miss Her, I want Her back everyday, but I made Peace I think that She was in pain and now She is with Her True Love.. & I had a Dream where I got to Hug Her and Say Goodbye and tell Her how much I Love Her, and ina way, I dont know if it makes sense, but it has Helped me soooooooo much & I Thank Her For that! I Love You Always Grandma!!!!! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 Tue, 10 May 2011 15:05:22 -0500 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=20468 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=20468 So, Yesterday I went with my Aunt to get the Baby, a couple month's this would have not been possiable bc I didn't go anywhere without my Mum, I even had trouble going on a highway with my Mum, and to get the Baby you do have to go n the high way and it's a good 1/2 hour - 40 minute drive. I have gotten close with my Aunt so it hasn't been so bad.. It was a huge step for me, makes me happy, but Yesterday was the first time I had gone with Her in a couple week's bc I have been working, but we wanted to go see Him on my day off. He alway's makes me smile.. I was a little anxious b4 I left and the start of the drive, but I did it and did some positive self talking to myself which was good.. I just Wish that there is a day that I don't have to do that, I don't have to be anxious to go some where, I can just go and not even think about it.. & SInce I went with my Aunt, I missed my appt. with my Therapist, but I havent had much to talk about, my Life has been pretty much work and Family stuff that we already talked about.. My Next step is getting myself a social life, something that a 25 year old shouldn't have a problem with, but of course all my friend's left, walked away from me when I was bad with the anxiety and couldn't go out.. It was even worse when those so called friend's made fun of me and made my anxiety into a joke, like it was something I could Help and I was just a freak or something.. So makes it hard to trust ppl or get close too new friend's, I miss having a best friend to open up to, especially about boy's but I dont know how to get close to people anymore, I guess.. & I don't know where the heck to meet new ppl, since at work I am here alone. & In the Boy Dept. the one thing that does keep me sorta in the mix or whatever.. I have been still talking to the same guy, I think we are together, I mean I asked him to be my bf a little while ago, but our facebook relationship status's haven't changed, we don't have out (I guess bc I work & He has been having alot of problems with His back, and He doesn't have a car), we dated b4, but I just feel like he doesn't have much to say to me, I don't know maybe its because He isn't feeling well, not sure.. But a guy I havent talked to in YEAR'S that I had a huge crush on recently found me on facebook, it was weird bc my Facebook is private, and I have searched for him b4.. He's a sweetheart.. And I have been talking to a guy from a dating site, im not a cheater, so it's just talking right now.. Just kinda lost on what to do.. Ugh.. Alway's something = /. My Cousin is having Surgery Today on His Foot, he hurt it real bad when He was skydiving, He has been doing it for a Year or so and is really good, professional and safe at it, just one freak accident of His foot getting stuck in a ground hog hole or something and now He has to get plates and screwes in his foot. He has been having to get blood thinner to make sure it doesnt clot till the swelling went down and he can get surgery.! I Think We are gonna have Mother's Day @ His Sister's, we were supposed to have it @ my Aunt's but He will be there resting and She is getting Her floors redone.. I'm sure I'll get a little anxious that day, ugh! But, it's the First Mother's Day without my Gram, who passed away about a month or so ago, so I'm gonna try to do good & keep my Dad's Spirits up.! My Family is important to me..!! I wan tto make it a good Day for my Parent's, my Mum has been having some Health Problem's and been running on empty lately, so Hope its a good Day for her too!!!! Oo.. & I Think my Sis, has a bf, but she doesn't share with me,,, guess my anixety drove a bigger wedge between us then I knew!!!!!!!! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 Thu, 5 May 2011 10:05:31 -0500 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=20443 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=20443 So, I had a realationship before my anxiety, my first "Love", but in the end I really realized it was an abusive relationship and he never really loved me, I don tthink he even liked me, so how could I have been so in love with someone who didn't like me and was so mean too me? I Knew he was mean to me, but I wanted to believe he would change for me.. Anyway's, after that I had the anxiety, I don't know if any of it related to that relationship, but ever since I haven't had a real relationship.. Alot of it has to do with me not being able to go places, so no guy wants to deal with that.. & When I did meet good guy's I pushed them away, bc I didn't know how to do a real relationship, I guess my wall was to push guy's away.. & then I meet the bad boy's they r the ones I've been really intrested in and most attracted to.. Stupid & Wrong I know, and it sure hasn't helped the siutation.... But now, I'm starting to get better with my anxiety and trying to get out there again. I have been talking to a guy that I use to go to school with, we haven't been able to spend much time together bc of my crazy work schedule, but He is a huggeeee sweetheart, I pushed Him away once and was lucky to start talking too him again, but it's like it's not enough.. I'm still looking at other guy's and still looking for other guy's. I'm not a cheater, I hate cheater's, I have been cheated on many many many times. This guy is a sweetheart, but he isn't super hot, and he is far from a bad boy. He isn't really my type, honestly.. I don't know if it's just my insecurities and past, maybe even a little bit of my anxieties that is keeping me away, I don't know.. & Since I now have no friend's, bc I seem to choose bad friends as well as guy's, I don't really have anyone too talk to about it..... Ugh, it suck's.. I let anxiety control my life for so long, wasted so much time & now i feel like a teenager trying to make up for it...... <3 Tue, 3 May 2011 10:05:07 -0500