http://www.anxietytribe.comAnxietyTribe.com http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=2304 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=2304 tornado warning. poetry project due tomorrw. it is worth a fourth of my semester grade. lots of thunder way off to the north. it is distant. where the coyotes steal rabbits in their holes, where the landscape refuses the gentle palm of the lower rio grande valley. it prefers the stale green cactus and red soil. i can still hear it growling. the flat land carries the sound for miles. it also carries the rain, the wind, but not my internet connection.damn. offline for an hour.procrastination cannot afford me to lose an hour of work time, yet i linger on this god damn website, procrastinating once my connection returns.procrastinating caused my all night homework stint tonight and many other nights. it has also caused me to lose out on getting financial aid this semester, applying to college and planning a future.no.it is fear that caused that one. i made up my mind today. skip college. at least a semester. intern at PETA, gain experience, fight for animals, do what i love. screw college and expectations.maybe i say that because im scared to death of becoming an adult. i can still hear the clouds bellow. Thu, 3 May 2007 01:05:17 -0500 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=2129 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=2129 I can see it my head nowclear and smooth as glassa man yelling on the highwayhe is drunk off of his asshe is kicking at the tires nowof a new mercedes benzscreaming out to no onewords that don't make senseand as i pull onto the shoulderto see if i can helphe signals something awful,tells me to go to hellwell, i'll pull over anwayHe's begging to be savedand i can't wait to be the oneto carry him away"Salvation ain't so glamorous",he sang in slow slurred tongue"'cause Jesus didn't get no glory,until he gave it up"Everyday that i grow olderI'm growing wiser tooall my stories got their moralsexcept none of them are trueI've listened to some boys sing songsthey say without me they would diewell, all of them still have their voicesguess all they sing are lies.Still, a man is the best companya girl like me could ever havebecause men don't care about characterand that's a thing i've always lackedSo, reluctantly, i sit on these rockslocks of hair over each breastmy honeyed voice sings out to youso you can finally restMy mother always warned meabout the the dangers of men and strangersi learned everone's a predatorprecaution is my saviorso I watch my drink when i go outand I always lock up tightsomtimes my mother's voice's so loudi can't get to sleep at nightI even hear her preachingto respect this temple of Godbecause it's the only bodyany of us has gotso i just say no, or so i try,i kept my flesh womb pure.but still i compromise myselfi aint respectful, that's for sure.I sing of things so dark and frightening,the world outside is hellbut I wont ever mentionthat hell has a home within myself.I've heard some people say to me,"cold hands, warm heart"but they can't see realitythe fire's been long blown out.In that feeble Bethlehem in my minda feeble child is bornI throw the infant in those flamesin attempt to keep my heart warmfor the past 18 yearsand all my childhoodI've done nothing to define meI don't know if I ever couldI guess i'm just a rain clouddark and shady, no real formthrowing lightening bolts and hail stonesI can't stand to be this stormI suppose all I need is someoneto whisper what I know aint trueto sing me some painful songbring me candy, pills, and boozeI just want to float above me,beleive you when you say you love me,fill myself with wine in  paper cups.But I know i wont get no glory, until I give it up. Sat, 7 Apr 2007 23:04:25 -0500 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=1981 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=1981 MARCELO "EL MAESTRO" ALONZOWESLACO-Marcelo "El Maestro" Alonzo, 84, was surrounded by the glory of Christ and the love of his wife, children, grandchildren and family when he was called to the arms of our Heavenly Father. His quest for a better life for his family led him to a multitude of jobs which included a singer, a boxer, a semi-pro basketball player, a baker, and a migrant worker. He found his calling as a master tailor whose remarkable workmanship dressed the finest clad men who shopped at Al Baskin (Joliet, IL), Michael's, and Levine's (Weslaco, TX).His greatest joys in life were his wife and children. Marcelo had a great passion for life, and was a wonderful singer. He loved music, dancing, traveling, fishing, bowling, and could beat any "young buck" at pool. He was preceded in death by his mother, Marcelina Landeros, brother, Blas Alonzo, and sister, Lucia Gonzalez.Marcelo is survived by his wife of 66 years, Maria Guadalupe Alonzo; eight children, Eva (Mario) Aguirre, Maria (Francisco) Maldonado, Marilu (Carlos) Lara, Gloria (David) Silva, Olga (Albert) Casey, Adrian "El Tesoro"(Rosie Yanez) Alonzo, Grace Del Angel, Minne (Gamal) Contreras, and one brother, Pedro (Lupe Rico) Alonzo. He leaves a legacy of hard work, dedication to family, devotion to education, and a host of grandchildren (34), great-grandchildren (72), and great-great grandchildren (9), who will always love and cherish him. today was his rosario and tomorrow we bury him. this has been harder than i thought it would be. today at his rosario, everyone (well not everyone, our family is really huge) got up and shared some memories. some were funny, some were sad, but i just started to realize how crazy my family is. we all are way too loud, we drink too much, dance too much, stay up too late, and we all get our zest for life from my abuelo marcelo.  i remember before he died this past christmas, he leaned over and told me in his best broken english, "whatever you want in life, just do it. and dont just do it halfway, do it all the way. i know that you can." then he started talking about being young and i didnt get it then, but now, i know what he was saying.  he did so many great things in his life. he sacrificed so much so that i could live in a free land with opportnities. i know that when i graduate he is going to be so proud from wherever he is. i know he beleived in me. Wed, 14 Mar 2007 22:03:29 -0500 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=1967 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=1967 my abuelo died this morning. :[i am glad i got to see him last night and give him a kiss. he was ready to go. that is a beautiful thing.  It's kind of exciting...death. it's this big mystery and now he is among those who know the secret.  he left behind so many people that love him. it was just sad to see him be in such pain. thankfully, he went in his sleep.R.I.P. Marcello Alonzo Mon, 12 Mar 2007 14:03:49 -0500 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=1938 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=1938 The sun has been asleep nowfor about 4 hours straightThe clock is screaming, "midnight!"and another wasted daySo it's time again to realizethe character I playthat misanthropic Cinderellawho's company you hateI know I'm just a pumpkin nowtempus fugit, seize the day,But I'll never let them get meSo inside I'll waste awayUnlace the ballgown carefullyso you can see my bonesIt's the skin I show to everyone;this corpse i call my homeIt's rotting from the inside-outfrom being all alonewith all the mice and memoriesand that deafening dialtoneSo when i tie up glass shoesand that weight's too much to hold,I'll leave this place, submit to fateand my destiny'll be sold Fri, 9 Mar 2007 20:03:02 -0600 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=1770 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=1770 in the mood section of this blog, there is no option for "anxious" what the hell is that?anyway, tonight i am feeling WAYYY anxious. like, more than normal. about what you ask? who the hell knows. maybe it is the fact that i am about to graduate in 3 months and i am doing nothing to prepare. i havent gotten my liscense, i haven't gotten a car, it looks like i wont be moving out until im 40. i havent applied anywhere, community college seems to be my destiny, and i quit my job so i have no income, i am single, have no really close friends, all of my acquaintances are going off to college in a few months and i lack the social tact and/or balls to make new ones. yeah, that's it.not to mention the fact that monday my midterm paper is due , the science fair we are coordinating at the elementary i do my practicum at is monday, AND i have a huge test in economoics monday...then tuesday, the education department is presenting at a board meeting. eepyeah, that's it.my ribs hurt, i have a pain in my chest and my palms are sweaty and i really want a cigarette....i've got a new pack, but no one to smoke them with. :[ Sat, 24 Feb 2007 22:02:08 -0600 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=1683 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=1683 it's my birthday bitches! i love my birthday! i never get anything but i just feel all special. i felt super duper anxious in some good and bad ways today. i was excited and anticipating tomorrow(im going to see the broadway across america production of RENT) and also crazy overwhelming fear. fear of what? EVERYTHING!guy in waiting in his car, picking his nails with a box cutter.i watched him in complete fear and anxiety, anticipating either he may cut himself, or become crazed and hurl it at me through his open window. i wanted to walk somewhere but i was waiting for my ride.i wanted to run over to the bakery across the street, but there were so many cars in and out for v-day that i was terrified one might charge right into me. even as i stood across the street i was thinking this. ay.but over all, i had a great day! i got to skip class and hang out with the teachers in the library all day...and get an hour lunch...woohoo... i love education department inservices.ANDDD!!! i have 70 bucks for my tattoooooo! Tue, 13 Feb 2007 21:02:14 -0600 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=1567 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=1567 nominated THREE out of five categories for class favouritesqueen, best dressed AND most beautiful!i'm kind of confused...is this a cruel joke? are they going to pour pig's blood on me? cuz im vegan and i cant have that!no one without a boyfriend has been nominated for queen, like....EVER! if someone elses boyfriend wins king, they are going to be maaad. Fri, 2 Feb 2007 22:02:25 -0600 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=1480 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=1480  so i've been getting these strange messages on myspace from this girl who "knows" him and is also best friends with my cousin maya. she says that i am so talented and beautiful and that she can never compare to me and that she thinks he still loves me and that he is really depressed all the time and that she just wants to help him, but feels she never can.she is totally right about that. i tell her this. i tell her that i am a regular girl, she shouldnt compare herself to anyone, let alone me, and that he can never be saved because he wont save himself.then it kind of dawned on me...all i did was try to save him and everytime he lied or hurt himself, or hurt me, i was more and more determined that i had to help him. that it was my responsibility. and it isnt. it's like going to therapy. it wont work unless you yourself are determined to make it work for you. and he wasnt.then, sunday i get this text. he says:"i really need you right now, im so confused and i dont know who i am or why im alive and i just cant stop thinking about you."first i ask if he is ok....he says he is but needs to talk so i tell him that he confuses me about his feelings for me too much and that he cant keep calling me and telling me things like this. he says thats fine but he just needs to talk about some things with someone and that he trusts me more than anyone. i wish i could say the same for him.he basically says he still loves me and that when he thinks about me it makes him sad that we are drifting apart and that we barely speak anymore...i ask him what he expects of me... basically, he made his bed and can't deal with laying in it.  then, he finally owns up to what he did. he says:"we both know what i did and i know im sorry doesnt even matter, but i want you to know that i am, in every way i can be sorry. i acted like nothing happened because i was only fooling myself."but he fooled me too, didnt he?i told him he is welcome to call if he ever needs my help or advice but telling me he still loves me is not going to change what he did. he says thats not what he calls.so this girl who has been emailing me is his new girlfriend. he says she means nothing. then why is he with her?im sorry really doesnt mean a thing to me now. Tue, 23 Jan 2007 23:01:27 -0600 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=1390 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=1390 i think that today my blood is cementi've been laying all day tangled up in a neti think that i might climb out of this coffinhave a chat with the night;we dont meet too ofteni'll strap on red shoes, cover yellow feeti'll reherse every move for the people i'll meeti'll paint out each smile with that brush in my mindi wont act like a child, im just one of their kindthe world is my stage. its an act, not a shambut when they all turn the pagei wont know who i ami'll just smear my black eyes, run out into the streetthrow my hands way up high when i fall to my kneesi'll study the face of the stranger i seeshe lives in that place where the curb meets the streether wet eyes, they shine, in that puddle of waterwith a frown just like minethat begs to be botheredbut when i speak up, i don't know what to sayi dont think she gives a fuck what i say anywayso when a car passes, blurs into white lights,and all of her splashes; i feel like i've diedso i'll just let my ghost walk all the way homei should have just stayed tangled up that way Sat, 13 Jan 2007 11:01:22 -0600 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=1311 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=1311 two thousand six, good riddancejanuary- new years day, noe gets drunk and admits he had sex with some girl at rebeccas house. we break up for an hour...we get back together for some reason...that was MY mistake...later that month he gives his xanax to all these people, reggie gets sick and he gets expelled. that night he breaks up with me during his mental breakdown. his dad calls back to say he didnt mean it...an hour later he calls me from a rest stop saying hes on his way to a psych hospital in san antonio.february- i am under suspicion of drug abuse at school. my name comes up in the principals office when some kid gets expelled for drugs...someone signs a document saying i've given them drugs (which i never did...i never had drugs at school...and id never share) someone is covering their ass and im easy prey. my friend comes out positive for cocaine and xanax in a drug screen and my mom drug tests me...i am realy scared about the outcome..i confess to pot...but nothing whatsoever appears on the drug screen. i dont get in trouble. i begin seeing Gary Leka, my therapist. i also turn 17. noe comes home from the hospital on my birthdaymarch-i dont see him now as much because we arent in school together and my parents dont care for him much, but we see eachother at the thursday concert. i almost suffucated to death. one of his friends steals my shirt :[april-Leka is confused as to why i am so intellegent but fail all of my classes...i take this long test on the computer and they discover i have had ADD for quite sometime. my mom doesnt beleive it...she thinks im just lazy and i probably skewed the results...leka shows her my thought patterns on graphs and assures her that i really do have  a learning disorder.  i am "severely to extremely impaired" but have learned to compensate mostly. may-noe suprises me at my ballet recital. he eats denny's with me and my parents afterwards then i drop him off at some concert at the vfw. he gets in a fight that night. jorge makes me sad when he is drunk and tries to hit on me...we stop talking which really bums me out. i finish my junior year..doing fairly well on my semester exams, but not too well in some cases. i fail algebra II with a 13 and chemistry with a 69.  june- i go to summer school for algebra...i start hanging out with dannie and klarisha and i kind of drift apart. i am starting to be able to hang out with jorge again, although i feel awkward. i confront him and he apologizes saying he didnt mean to do what he did. we are freinds again. noe comes over and spends the day with me. i give him all of my weed because i dont want to do it anymore. i now have no means of controling my anxiety...but i am not so guilty anymorejuly-i see tilly and the wall in austin and spend the afternoon walking around 6th street with juan carlos, someone i didnt know very well from summer school, and we click so well. he's OCD like crazy and hes cool. we just made fun of people the whole time...then we finally went back to emos and saw the show. when summer school ends i become a recluse. i see no one for about a month.august- i start senior year. we have a new principal and she is ridiculous. she comes from a huge high school in brownsville and our senior class is like 50 people...its a magnet school for christs sake. i notice noe is becoming manic. i lose my cell phone and we lose touch. i get a job at ticket masterseptember-we start going on lots of college trips. we go to TSTC with teh juniors and lauraly hints that she has a friend whos bf is cheating on her and doesnt know if she should tell her. i say she has to because its wrong to know and not say anything. that weekend i got a new phone and i called him.  he was drunk and obnoxious and i stayed awake all night crying....later on lauraly tells me about noe and sarah. a few days later i call to break up with him...but i dont tell him i know in order to protect my friend christian who saw them together( on his couch!). noe is crazy and you enver know what he might dooctober- he continues to ask for me back...i just stopped answering his calls. klarisha and i start getting close again, but bianca and i have stopped talking altogether the night of ivanas sweet 16. we still dont talk.november- lots of school trips. Texas A&M kingsville, then A&M corpus then UTSA. 4 hour bus rides make jorge and i very close again...closer then ever. hes my best friend! :] marcos tells me he still has feelings for me...awkward! jorge and i start circadian rhythym. i am vocals and keys and he is guitar. schedualing conflicts cause me to quit ticketmaster.december- i sing in the choir performance. my dad video tapes it and i realize i have an ugly overbite :[ then faith county...carmen came back so i didnt get to understudy her part...i instead did the drunk lady....i think i was the only one who could have done it anyway. opening night NO ONE in my family shows up. i sat in the costume room and cried for ever. no one even noticed i was gone. the only person to come see me was joe from work...that night it was raining so i sat in his car until my brother got there. he tried to hold my hand then he tried to kiss me i think. it made me really sad. i can never have freinds that dont try to pick me up. i take my finals and get B's on everything. :] except pre cal, i made like a 40 something but i really dont care because i SUCK at that. sleepover at moe's and i get to see lisa who i miss SO MUCH..then christmas yadda yadda........then the year ends...thank god because it was full of a lot of bull shit...  Mon, 1 Jan 2007 15:01:44 -0600 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=1281 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=1281 just like every year winter wont miss her visit to the valley, my anxiety wont get booted out with the fall.it seems so much stronger in the winter. i don't know if it is the desire for a cold day when it is 80 degrees and sunny and the stifling humid air. this place is like some federal prison. i have cable tv but i have no escape. Winters in south texas are not like winters at all... they are an uglier, sadder, more stressful extension of the rest of the year.why he calls me is totally beyond me. i feel sick everytime i hear his voice. it feels the way it did when we were in love, only a so much nastier-feeling. what were once butterflies are now rabid bats that sink their teeth into my body.  you know what they say...misery loves companymy best company has always been a pot, pills, booze, blood.... but i can't do that. i wont do that. how could someone who says they love you lead you into such a black enchanted forest and then let go of your hand? what is worse....she called me too. they should call eachother....she tells me she doesnt talk to him anymore...he gets on her nerves....she must have nerves like the sides of a submarine because she betrayed me. they betrayed me. and all they know is that i dont know what went on. i need company. i need company bad.  Mon, 25 Dec 2006 22:12:20 -0600