http://www.anxietytribe.comAnxietyTribe.com http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=33679 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=33679 Dating: ITs about follow through Im almost at the point again. In a few months Im ready to start talking about a starter girl. This is where I was a year ago. I was talking about a starter girl in one of my meetings; How I had never been loved by anyone, how I had never had a real relationship. I definitely attracted a beautiful young women that wanted to be that girl. However, when I attempted to got close, everything came crashing down. I lost the girl, I lost my self respect. I ended up going back into my cave and have been working on self ever since. What will be different the next time. I asked this question 3 years ago with another girl. That situation blew out. So, now I will be on my next girl for a new start. What will be different! I was convinced that nothing would go wrong from the last girl, and everything blew apart. I must keep working at things and writing. Im going to get into the relationship, then deal with the stuff. If Im going to learn to work with myself and someone else. I need to be in a relationship to work out the problems. It will be a few months until I heal up more and come to my senses, then it will be time for a new starter girl. I pray to God I wise up and practice what social behaviors need to make the difference; a solid take off with no sabotaging. Im so immature. Im still looking for superficial faults in a person; much like a 13 year old. This is going to be rough. ------------------------------ At the meeting today: Im learning more and more about how PTSD problems effect my ability of proper acceptable safe behavior around others. PTSD forces itself out, taking me hostage, then taking me with it. I jump instead of pause. I act out like a child and subtle ways, yet, dangerous ways; dangerous because my reputation is ruined. I receive a negative rating. Im considered strange and not safe or normal. Today at the meetings, I saw a women at the far end of the rooms. I looked at her a few times then stopped. I know who she is, she is not new. after the meeting she is cleaning up the desk top. I pan over next to her and whisk some books away. Later, I get enough courage to say something. Then, Horribly loud, I shout out her name! I get no response. Then I shout out her name correctly suggesting she grab the end of a table that we carry into the next room. Her response stuns me! She says nothing, and acts like Im not alive. Theres a strange feel to it. Im getting the idea she does not want attention. Im getting the idea that after months of listening to me, she thinks Im a weirdo . the PTSD problems tell me to get close: the person never ask for my attention. the pTSD problems tell me to reach out to them, possibly a hug at the end of the meeting. They did not ask for this The ptsd problems suggest that they want a friendship with me. They made no personal gestures suggesting any interest. the PTSD problems suggest Im a child that needs and I will be accepted. However, Im a grown man. What does a grown man look like when they are barreling down on someone. Certainly, no one asked for this. My behavior is attack like. Its strong and loud aggressive. Is this going to attract anyone. I do not think so! The PTSD problems get me jumping towards someone before Im thinking about what Im doing. And this is a huge problem…. I never stop to ask. Is this person my friend. Did this person suggest they want to be friends. Is the environment I met them in, suggest they were ever looking for a friend. Im jumping boundaries on people like a horse jumps over a fence. Im in there kitchen when I was never invited past the front gate. I was never invited period! ------------- I have to slow down and get a grip on sanity. These people are strangers. ITs attraction not promotion. I have to stop promoting myself. Im going to promote myself out of contact with others if I do not get a grip on things. Other people are not my play objects. I do not get to walk up to them and wind them up like toys. They do not belong to me! they belong to themselves and God. There lives are none of my business. There is proper way to do things, and I must learn that proper way and practice. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------   The girl from the meetings:    Im remembering how she bounced around when she saw me and when I would not give her attention.   Im now understanding a new concept.  I believe she was about 2 years old in maturity.  She saw through me to the 2 year old in me.  she trusted me.  And I remember wanting to abuse the little child in her.  I was angry that she could express her little child.   mad,  I wanted to torture.    I had so much regret and pain.  And more importantly: I could not embrace her.  I wanted to!  I would be free if I could have.   So,  this is telling me allot about my limitations.  I could not embrace her because she was a small child looking up to me.  This tells me about myself;  how I feel about the small child in me.   The hate I have had for myself.  The hate to please my family.  I was to hate myself to death for them, because I loved them.  They crucified me.  They were never safe and never on my side.  Never!  I had no idea.  I really didn't have an idea that these people were this horrible.  Im still asleep, and not allowed to see things…   Yet,  the goal is to wake up enough to reverse what happened 7 months ago.  And that is what is slowly being worked on.   Im having glimpses of PTSD freedom..   for short spurts.  Its not perfect or complete; just moments of clarity from a damaged nervous system always being taken over.  ITs a very interesting view to feel safe.  I do not believe it will last.   Tue, 21 May 2013 13:05:21 -0500 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=33678 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=33678 If I have a headache why does it have to be a brain tumor? If I have shortness of breath or chest pain, why is it a heart attack? If my neck hurts why must it be meningitis? If I'm itchy why is that me having a reaction to some medication?If I have a bad day,I must be losing my mind! I'm so sick of living like this.I'm scared of everything and am dying of something on a daily basis.I'm 28 years old for crying out loud, why can't I just live my life without this constant worry and paranoia?I hate myself for being like this, why can't I just have a headache and take 2 tylenol and call it a day?Why I gotta freak out over it? I have to google every symptom I have, every medication I'm on...God forbide I take two medications without checking if there is any interactions with them even though the doctor prescribed them both.It's annoying,I'm annoying and I just want to be normal.I don't even know what normal is anymore,maybe I never was. Tue, 21 May 2013 03:05:31 -0500 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=33677 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=33677 I saw the psychiatrist today and I was on zoloft and wellbutrin which wasnt working so he took me off it and decided to go a completely different course. He is treating me for bipolar depression as well as anxiety. I am now on gabapentin 100mg and oxcarbazepin 300mg(trilepta). I was wondering if anyone else has used these medications and what they thought? :) Mon, 20 May 2013 23:05:32 -0500 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=33676 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=33676 I got a job interview this Thursday at 2PM for this Thrift Shop, I don't know if I wanna go through with it. Mon, 20 May 2013 22:05:08 -0500 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=33675 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=33675   All things relate to anxiety. I am expressing the kinder inner details ( the workings; the master mind) that sends these messages of stress to the outside world. The master mind wants to survive and stay alive. So, looking for the people places and things to connect with are of great importance, as my anxiety is about connection, the fear of connection and the pressure of dealing with endless isolation from lack of connection! Connection:
The severing of connection is the thrust of the ordeal surrounding anxiety. Or, one such contempt surrounding anxiety. Im a nice man in a wrong world! My connections were severed. As soon as my father was out of the picture I was stunned and in shock;  numb and hopeless. And he left on purpose knowing full well what he was doing. He ( in full sight of God, abandon his children with a permanent nature). I did nothing to him to deserve this. We were just children. In the process, I was destroyed without remedy. He was the truest form of a coward, much like Judas of the Bible. My mother was not a mother. She was a false acquisition. She had no connection to me or anyone else of less importance. She was an elitist who would have felt better to play Tennis at some country club in a rich part of California then be part of a family she was to take care of. It was all a joke to her. She wanted to destroy people; everyone!  it was exciting for her!. She loved to set people up to take a fall. She cared nothing for children. Children were no different then adults. And she hated men and any male children, she felt she was superior to them. She was not of-course. She was stupid and arrogant. Decent men would not give her the time of day, therefore, she got stuck with strong stupid naive men that she thought she could manipulate. Listen to me!, Im writing as if this was a real person. This was not. She abandon me as fast as possible with all permanence.   New fields: She looked for an Engineer husband and whisked away with him. My brothers and I were destroyed.. These people were children murderers. They killed myself and my brothers. 3 people. So dealing with this is an ongoing nightmare of large proportion. However, its past. Meaning, is past history. Its damage, However, its not in my front mind. My mind is on other things. The problem is: its still effects everything I do, because things need to get worked on! I have no original family support to support the damage from the original family. I loved my family with all my heart, and it was a death family ( There was no family!, it was all in my mind.  I lived with a death family).   Its a crackerjack box full of demonic nature. I never knew. These people ( the parents) had no connection with me… Its the worst possible nightmare for a child! to be brought up by sociopaths of this sinister nature. It was torture, rape, murder and horror. I had to watch my brothers lives become disabled and destroyed. I watched my own life slowly dwindled into permanent insanity and rage! 
We are abandon with no place to go, and no understanding of what had happened. 
This stuff must be looked at over an over and over and brought out into the open, into the public until the story, the real story is understood and complete. The truth is good enough, only when the truth is on the table will dissociation not be prevalent. 

   Women and mother:
 This will be the main theme until it is finished… Until no more problems of this nature arise. This may take a good long time! 
My connections with women were destroyed. I had no idea this was going to happen because I love women so much. or I crave them so much! I don't know a man who wants them and thinks about them more then I do. I love everything about them… Every inch of them, yet I have been unable to talk to them, to get close to them, to feel them.. And the cause is the past. this is the past that comes back and takes over my mind; spitting out undesirable protections against women/ the child comes out and believes Im with my mother; all protection goes up.. So, I am working on figuring out that past, so it does not come into my mind as much, so its not so big and important. The reason is loss. Ive attempted with sencerity to get close to women, and its almost happened for me; then!, The defenses show up and destroy the connections and relationships. I shut down and run away!, never to return. 
 -------------------------------------------------------- I ask myself the question: 
With my first love: what went wrong! 
Answer:  First answer that comes to mind is pain and hate. Self hate of myself at an earlier age. I was never suppose to be in a new city meeting people. I moved away from my original house in my original town. I was more then resentful, I was enraged that my house had been taken from me and my friends and my town that I felt secure in. I was taken to a new place and destroyed. So, I had all kinds of hidden stuff from my past. I was all of 14 years old and I was an old man. Possibly, I thought if the girl knew about me she would want nothing to do with me. So I ran. I never felt good enough. I decided to test the girl; she failed the tests. Whats horribly funny about this; She had already passed the tests.. She liked me and wanted me and was waiting for me to ask her out! She did not have to take any tests. I never wanted to believe that anyone liked me. I didn't like me. I never wanted someone to like me. I would not believe they liked me! they would hurt me and pull me away from my original self and surroundings; torture, let me be raped, then abandon me. These are the things I need to talk about! Im surprized Im alive to talk about anything, or in one piece. My life seems to be of 2 pieces when talking about this stuff;  me before the divorced, me afterword. I cant nor did I want to remember what it was like to feel safe and secure as I could never hang on to it again after it was gone. If I was opened up for a moment in safety then dropped In un-safety I would die. Better to never open up and get hurt again. I would be destroyed! 
The first goal of writing what I write: to be able to address and talk to women and go out with them! I do not need to be totally fixed. Just enough fixed. I will continue to deal with myself long after the first date, However, the goal is not purification. 
And this blog is about anxiety. The pure form of anxiety when I get close to people. 
So back to the question: Why did I not go out with my first love? I thought she would not understand me! No!, I had 2 me's and more inside of me. The first me thought she would understand me! The second me did not care! The 2nd me would not let anyone around me until my world was fixed. Until I was discovered and saved… 
Im trying to protect myself from women. I seem to be like this from the first, from the start. From the beginning of my life I am aware of this, that I must protect myself from women. I can feel the pain, Most of it is from 0 to 5 years old. 
So, what is going on from 0 to 5 years old: protection from slaughter, from torture, from rape and hatred, from being yelled at and screamed at and torn apart and bounced of the walls; from having my clothing torn off me! and being turned into a grapefruit and bludgeoned into unconscious. Lots of mass pain in there. 
The basic nature of women scares me! it seems evil to me! 
I look for women like my mother to date! I want to pry them open like a can opener and get everyhting  out. Get it out on the floor and look at it, and play with it, and organize it and surround myself with it! and run with it and hide with it, and smoke it, build with it, and swim with it and leave it! 
the first girl I loved was like me! If I had not dissociated out, I would have gone out with her. Why did I need to dissociate out. I was afraid that I would be strung along, then have to deal with me later, later after I was out on an empty branch of great length. I have to remember, Im dealing with women like my mother. One part of me feels oK about this, another knows this is insane and will end in tragedy. OK:   Im getting somewhere.  Im feeling movement!     -------------------------- At the monday meeting.  Im starting to address the head person as if Im talking to my therapist.   This is the first time.  Im taking things outside the therapists office and applying them to a new environment.    I told the head women of the group that she was  one dimensional and a cartoon.  She told me she would not take that comment personally.   Im beginning to change a bit.  Im beginning to recognize people outside of myself. ( I have Dissociative Disorder).    Im asking how people feel.  Im slowly beginning to feel like I can be apart of a group and not on the outside.  Im becoming aware that people have seen me.  I thought I was invisible.  I mean that narcissistically.   I am changing and Im quite sick!  Dating will be tricky but possible when I get over the girl from the meetings.  Its really got a strangle hold on me.  I think she moved on 6 months ago.  I am completely forgotten!  However, she did not have PTSD problems like me.  Part of me has moved on.  The PTSD recurring mind damage, continues to replay her long after she is gone.   I am,  and have been concerned about her relationship potential because of the way she loved me.   Am I suppose to hang on and wait?   Am I suppose to let go and let God.    O my!   theres the answer\!     Mon, 20 May 2013 16:05:48 -0500 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=33674 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=33674 Its been a while since I have written .. I have had alot going on , For the last month or so my mom has been dealing with some health issues . As some of you know my mom is Diabetic type 2 , being a diabetic , my mom has been suffering from Charcot Joint , which is a bone disease , caused by diabetes . Three weeks ago my mom went to her Orthopedist , because her right foot had been hurting, turns out moms sprained her right ankle & as her right foot is at the begining stages of Charcots joint zero . Moms Orthopedist put mom in a cast , hoping that with the mobilizing the foot , the bones would be forced to fused together . Well the first cast did great, mom had no problem , no irritations . Well this past Wednesday mom went back to Orthopedist to have her old cast taken off & have a new one put on . Well! the 2nd cast was put on too tight, this has caused an irritation on moms foot , the cast rubbed the top of moms foot raw. Yesterday early morning moms foot was hurting soo bad, hubby & I had to take mom to ER , turns out moms has nassty sore on the top of her foot , when the nurse took her temp it was 102 , that means moms has an infection . Mom was admitted to the hospital , now we have to completely re- thinking treating the Charcot Joint .. Mon, 20 May 2013 11:05:34 -0500 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=33673 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=33673 I had an appoinment with my psychologist today and as a result im feeling a hell of a lot more positive than i was a week ago. She helped me to understand the philosophy of 'not taking things personally' which i have had a huge problem with. Usually as soon as as i am put down or confronted in any way i get angry and hurt and anxious as a result. My psychologist explained that another persons raction to something is not my fault, even if my behaviour made them frustrated (like being too anxious to go to class and my teacher being annoyed) it is THEIR reaction and it is NOT MY FAULT so i shouldn't dwell on it or let it cause me more anxiety. I am keen to try out my new tools after today. I will post again regarding the outcome Wish me luck! Mon, 20 May 2013 02:05:45 -0500 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=33672 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=33672 So I have my first ever psyciatric appointment tomorrow. I have seen a psycologyst but what exactly do they do when you see a psyciatrist? Sun, 19 May 2013 22:05:20 -0500 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=33671 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=33671 I'm going to be 20 tomorrow.... I know its not that big of a deal but jesus... I've lived through my teen years and they have been a living hell for me at times.... I hope my luck changes... This has been a very strange past couple weeks as well.... Sun, 19 May 2013 15:05:24 -0500 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=33670 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=33670   Im mad. Im one out of a million. I get to come back. Come back to some form of life. I would rather die like a rat! I do not want to be in the middle. I am not going to be in the middle. Im long past that. I do not want to be one of those kiss-ups that sit with the rich at the banquet table, claiming they are one in a 1'000'000 that got lucky and came back to life. Came back with little resentments and a new outlook on life. I cant see myself hanging around a bunch of corrupt middle class that have forgotten about the real struggle that is going on in life; About the death that is going on in this life for the innocent; they never had a chance, As I never had a chance. I would rather die then hang out with those people or be part of this society. Yet, If not death, one moves back from the edges of society to the middle; nothing I can do about it! The scars on my mind and soul will never change. They were incased by this society. This society is not innocent. This society is murderers; like all societies murder. Societies murder the poor and innocent. Where am I suppose to come back to. I feel like an alien in an alien land. I don't know who I am and I don't recognize you. I seem to be OK if I stay to myself. When I get involved with people; thats when the trouble starts. No one wants the truth. Im in a society of formless emotionless people. People that have forgotten themselves; have lost there purpose and direction. Not that its my business what others are doing. However, Im human, and need to belong to a social community. I have not found one. When a group, any group is willing to rape, murder and abandon then cover everything up and smile like nothing is happening: I want nothing to do with them. I will stay to myself most of the time, the people in this arena are not safe, they cant be trusted. ---------- Im of little to no value to most; most are to competitive and arrogant to care what I have to say about anything. Im looked at like an odd wall fixture with no importance; nothing important to say. Im learning my self worth needs to be protected with sanity. I cant wait for others to be attracted to me. I must love myself and wake up with Gods help; that is whats happening. Put God first! Keep praying; let go of everything! Sun, 19 May 2013 08:05:13 -0500 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=33669 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=33669 Well I've made it almost 24h without having to take an Ativan.Not because I haven't felt I've needed one I just want to test myself and see if I'm able to talk myself down from an attack.This is a big accomplishment for me since I've been taking atleast one a day for almost 2 months now.I'm proud of myself and just wanted to share some joy with you all.Hopefully I am able to keep it up.Please wish me luck! Sun, 19 May 2013 03:05:44 -0500 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=33668 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=33668 Has anyone tried or is on the anti depressant remeron? I want to ask my dr to switch to it, so just wondering. Sat, 18 May 2013 18:05:22 -0500 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=33653 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=33653 This song says it all. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hBQvjtXR4qA Sat, 18 May 2013 12:05:37 -0500 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=33667 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=33667 So yesterday I lowered my dose of Lamictal even further. Since my doctor won't respond to the many messages from my pharmacist, I am trying to float on the few pills I have left 'til I get a new doctor in a couple of weeks. I've been feeling a bit less groggy lately but also more irritable and prone to "babysteps" days. But yesterday evening it felt like something started shifting: My jokes were quick and nuanced and my head less foggy. I can't put a finger on it yet, but I can't help but think: I gave up my quick wit for this drug that doesn't even work all the time? My husband has complained in the past about the drugs slowing me down, intellectually, and I could feel it too, but it's always an ephemeral feeling when you are on the other side of the tinted glass. I am worried though. I know that in the next two weeks I will probably be feeling more of the effect of lowering the dose (it's lower than it's ever been) and it might not be pretty. I don't want to have to go through the ghasping, rocking and dry-heaving of panic attacs or the days of monotonic speech, boredom and sadness of crippling depression. We sill see what happenes... Sat, 18 May 2013 10:05:50 -0500 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=33666 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=33666   Its very hard to be at a mens meeting with people that work at nuclear plants, carpenters that smash nails all day then tend there horses, and x bikers who have given up murder to ride there Harley's for God. And when its my turn to talk, I say this : I think women are yucky, I want to ride my bike and eat popsicles. Im a snob:  I think Im better then everyone and everyone owes me.   Im in love with myself becaouse I dont love myself. Im a snob:  I think Im better then everyone , I think Im worse then everyone.  Im scared of everything thing. and everyone owes me.   Im in love with myself and only think about myself.  Secretly deep down in side,  Im afraid you wont like me!   Why should I take a chance if Im going to get ruined again! Hurt!  be alone again! At that point silence abounds the room. Fear, terror and horror amass in these hardened motor wrenched creased faces. 

Im looking around realizing no one is on my side. Well, you win some you loose some. I had to say it. 

And: 

As I continue to dump the truth and work on my immaturity; a real immaturity of stunted growth, the room relaxes with a sigh of relief, realizing I am safe, Im just an idiot… 

Some things are hard to say in front of a bunch of guys. However, the truth must be exposed or I will never grow up. 

I must work my way into a new way of thinking. The 1o year old must go on a journey with God and move from 10 to eleven, not 10 to 40. Its one step at a time, one birthday to the other. 

First I must egnollege the 1o year old before I can start working on him. He is a closed book. 

Fear:

Fear occurs when the adult attempts to be cool, and flounders. The 1o year old was always running everything. The adult was a mask 1o feet tall and bullet proof. 

True fear and growth occur when the mask is melted away in front of others without permission. I am left with a floundering 1o yeaR old, and the person in front of me sees this. I have no where to run or hide. If I choose to bring the mask back to hide, the person in front of me knows Im a coward that does not want the pain associated with achievement. The person in front of me might think they are not worth my time and turn and walk off. They will discover that Im a fake through and through. 

Im attempting to learn to let the 1o year old out before I meet people. be aware of the masks before I meet up,. Its very scary! And Im ashamed that Im so scared. Im a 1o year old taking chances Im not prepared for. Im expected o be 13 when Im only 1o and that creates defeat…. 

I would like my secret feelings to come out. I would like to show my feelings in the face of rejection; knowing they are open and exposed. I would like to learn how to negotiate time and space as these feelings are fully exposed in the firing line. Its about confidence. 

However, Im not ready for confidence, Im to young. The 7 to 10 year old must work on pre relationship stuff. However, The 1o year old cant stay in the 1o year old world. He must grow and learn to survive, that " me" the adult have a chance in this life. 

Its all up to God
Its all up to God
Its all up to God

Its about not being a victim. Its about not people pleasing. Its about walking through people like thin air when they are not worth my time. And not budging in one direction or the other. Im horrified to disobey anyone.   Scared to death!  I want to love so badly,  and Im afraid they will run of.  I will be hated and abandon!  like my parent hated and abandon me.  Like my friends hated and abandon me.  Like the school systems hated and abandon me.  Like the important people in the community hated and abandon me!
   All I think about myself.  Secretly deep down in side,  Im afraid you wont like me!   Why should I take a chance if Im going to get ruined again! Hurt!  be alone again! I have no courage.  I feel it is beneath me to have courage.  Theres nothing worth being courageous about:  whats the point! I cant face the fear and move in any direction.  Im like a kid that is in front of a bully and cant move!  I get used to it,  and never grow again! --------------------------   women: What about there children…  I think the children thing has me all bound up.   I don't think God wants me involved with someone  else's children.  I might mess them up or not pay attention to them.   I don't want to be married to her children.  I am the child.  I want mummy all to myself.  I want to be nurse maided.  I want the milk bottle given to me.  I don't want competition.   Im like a small child inside that needs his mommy!   That wants his milk.   Its hard to negate women that Im attracted to, that I have to unattract because they have children.  I do not want to be stuck with children..     Well,!   thats not true.   I would take care of them and spend time with them…  Im not there father!   That is what bugs me.  They might ask what Im doing around there mom if Im not there father!   I don't want to hurt them or freak them out. Im still to sick to be around anyone except a therapist.  I have to much aggression.  The deep core of aggression has to come out! Lots of work to be done.  I do not have a clear head on things,  Im "O"  so irrational about everything.  The narcissist is still running things inside me and I am completely irrational in my thoughts towards people, places, and things..   Nothing makes any sense right now..   Sat, 18 May 2013 08:05:45 -0500 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=33665 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=33665 I feel like I'm stuck between normal and crazy.It's like one minute I feel fine,like my normal self with my normal thoughts and the next minute I feel like I'm on the verge of losing my mind.I feel like I'm always on edge even when I am feeling good there is this little thing in the back of my brain somewhere freaking out.The weather is getting warmer here now too and this is normally my favorite time of year,it's like I come alive in the heat, but this year I find myself sad thinking that I won't be able to enjoy it with the way I'm feeling.Maybe it's because I've never been "sick" during summer but summer to me has always been a happy time and now it seems like I'm no longer safe.It's like before when I would feel bad I would tell myself don't worry the sun will soon be here and everything will get better.I just want to know where I'm at,am I me or am I sick me.The in between is sickening.I just wish I was one or the other so I would know what to do next.So for now I'm just waiting to see what this summer holds. Sat, 18 May 2013 04:05:15 -0500 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=33660 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=33660 Fri, 17 May 2013 14:05:42 -0500 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=33659 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=33659 Do mothers bear too much responsibility for their kids' happiness? CBCCBC – Sat, 11 May, 2013 Mother's Day is a yearly opportunity for us to thank our moms for a lifetime of love and advice, but one Toronto author says our culture places too much responsibility on mothers for their children's emotional well-being. Reflecting on what makes a good mother is more than an annual Hallmark card occasion — it is an abiding fascination in western culture, as well as an area of extensive academic study. In her new book, The Nature and Nurture of Love, author Marga Vicedo looks at the longstanding belief that mothers are the sole determinants of the emotional health of their children. The notion stems partly from attachment parenting, a highly attentive parenting style that became especially popular after the publication of The Baby Book by William and Martha Sears in 1993. Attachment parenting grew out of a postwar theory that suggests the emotional bond that a child forms with its parents has lasting consequences. Vicedo, who teaches evolutionary biology and human nature at the University of Toronto, spoke to CBC News about the social roots of this widely held theory and why it continues to play such a large role in the popular imagination. Q: Your book suggests we’re obsessed with the notion that our mother’s love determines our emotional health in later life. How does this idea manifest itself in our culture? A: If you look, for example, at movies, or any TV procedural, like Law & Order or Criminal Minds, you look at a sociopath — sooner or later, it comes out that they became anything from a criminal to a sexual deviant to a serial killer [because of a] pathology that goes back to early childhood. Very rarely, it’s because the father abandoned the child. Usually, it’s because the mother either abandoned the child or didn’t pay sufficient attention. Mothers pay a lot of attention [to their children] in the early years. They pay attention not only to maternal care – they clean you, feed you and do everything for you – but they also provide you with a love that is based on empathy. The mother can read the signs of the child. This has been supported by many attachment parenting theorists, and it has percolated down to child-rearing manuals. Last year, for Mother’s Day, Time magazine published an issue that was very controversial, because on the cover, it has a young mother giving the breast to her child, who was probably seven years old. I remember not only in the U.S., but in Spanish newspapers and probably other countries, it initiated a lot of discussion. The idea that the mother is providing you with emotional sustenance is key to books like the one [quoted] in Time magazine, which is William and Martha Sears’ The Baby Book. There, they say things like the most important factor for a baby’s not only emotional but intellectual and physical development is the responsiveness of the mother. It’s not only having a mother that cares for you and loves you, but that one responds to you at all times. Q: When did this idea first emerge? A: After World War Two, there was a huge concern about children. That’s because after the war in Europe, there were many children that were abandoned, or lost their parents, or many children that came out of the concentration camps. There was a huge concern about what the war had done to children. And then there was a huge concern in general about the role of emotions in personality development. Q: Has this become amplified since the Second World War? A: Yes, I think so, because our concern about emotions in general has become stronger. In history, in neurology, in many different fields, you see more and more studies about different emotions. In the new science, they’re trying to figure out in which part of the brain our neurons fire, when we feel empathy, when we feel anger. When does the development of emotions start? In early childhood, and I think this idea is now very prevalent. Attachment theory is huge today. This is undoubtedly the most successful [parenting] theory, and it’s in the larger culture. In psychology, any book on child development takes this theory as the most valid. Q: Do you buy this theory? A: No. Why should something that happened to you when you were two years old be more important than what happened two years ago? Q: Is there no recognition of the role of fathers? A: Officially, many scientists today would recognize that [children] need more than their mothers. Unofficially, the bulk of the research and the emphasis in child-rearing manuals still focuses on the mother. Q: You say that women nowadays are expected not only to behave like good mothers, but must think that way, too. What do you mean? A: My mother, who is now 74, she has five children. She was a fantastic mother, in my opinion, but she’s perfectly happy to talk freely about being a woman who was working and had five children, and sometimes feeling like she wanted to jump out the window or throw one of the babies out the window. For my friends, or people in their 20s and 30s today, [to say that] would be unthinkable — to recognize the complexity of the thing and to have the freedom to say, ‘I’m not a bad mother because I recognize that it is difficult and sometimes I love my children and sometimes I feel like strangling them.’ They wouldn’t say it, because it is socially unacceptable. [As a modern mother] your emotions are supposed to be totally ambiguous, which as I say is bad for mothers, because it doesn’t recognize the complexity of mothering and the diversity of the woman’s situation. Q: We’ve seen a number of high-profile books published on the topic of mothering, such as Amy Chua’s The Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, which proposes that being strict and regimental is the best way to raise high-achieving children. Does this reflect a changing attitude to what makes a good mother? A: I think when these [books] come out, they make a big splash and they are discussed very widely. But you could see the reaction to the tiger mother was very negative. I think the reaction shows that no, we think allowing your children to develop as they want, recognizing their emotional needs, letting them have sleepovers or whatever they want — I still think the permissive and loving mother is the accepted model. Some memoirs say, ‘I’ve done it differently and my children are not that bad,’ but does it change the ideal or more normative model of motherhood? I don’t think so. Fri, 17 May 2013 14:05:35 -0500 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=33658 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=33658 Wishing AT a Happy Friday and a good day! :) Fri, 17 May 2013 12:05:36 -0500 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=33657 http://www.anxietytribe.com/rss.php?header=blogs&id=33657 I have been suffering with anxiety and depression with pschosis for going on 15 years.I had my first depression at 14 years old.I can normally go a couple of years without having any major episodes.The last one I had was back in 2004 and I've had a few bad days here and there but nothing extreme.I thought I was finally through with all of it, that I somehow had managed to get it under control.Well here I am going through it all over again.I haven't got to the extreme yet where I'm no longer myself and can't function but feeling the way I am now I'd much rather be so far gone that I can't even comprehend what's happening to me rather than fully aware that every day I'm losing myself more and more.The worse part right now is the overwhelming fear.I'm afraid of everything, and for the first time I feel like the world is a scary place and I contemplate and over analyze everything about it.I've also become very afraid of being to far from home something I've never dealt with in the past.It's funny even though I've been through this many times before it never seems to get easier and it always feels like this is the one I'll never come back from.Nights are worse than the days and I'm not able to go a night without having to take an ativan.Every night like clock work it hits me.I start getting the pains in my stomach and chest,the squeezing feeling in my throat and then I start believeing without a doubt I'm having a heart attack.I'm just so frustrated with all of this,I don't know how much more I can take.I hate feeling like this and I need help, we all do.Fighting this battle on our own is impossible and I just don't want to go through it alone anymore. Thu, 16 May 2013 23:05:18 -0500