Oct 26 2007, 6:17 am / Exited
Im pretty happy with myself at the moment, im not sue if i put it on my previous blog, but i self harm, well cut to be more specific, and i only noticed today that i havent done it for well over a month and i am so damn proud with myself and i hope that this is the start of a long journey of never doing it again!
Im so sick of my scars, my arms look like a zebra crossing and my parents are always asking me "what happened to your arms" or "what are they from".... i tell them i cant remember tha there old, but i honestly know that deep down they know what ive done and it hurts alot to imagine what they think about that!
The ones on my arms are fading, but the more recent ones on my leg are horrible and i am hoping that they go down in time for summer (only a month away down here in oz), but i dont hide my scars away, whats the point, people are going to see them eventually, most people dont ask, some people do.
Some people dont understand self harm and they brush it off as attention seeking, and sure there liturally ARE some people out there that do it to seek attention but most people that do it are crying out for help, there hurting that much on the inside that they need to hurt themselfs to feel real pain to understand how they are feeling.
I need to brush up on all this stuff because next year i am starting a Certificate IV in Community Welfare Work (which leads to being a Social Worker, Counseller, Drug and alcohol worker and a few other things) and Certificate IV in Youth Work, and all of these subjects are going to come up, i think that i would be a great Youth Worker , ive been where most of them are at, ive been through the drugs, through the problems, through the depression and other things and im nearly on the other side, and i really think i can help them and I really want to. Over here in Australia there are so many young people that are abused, drug users, homeless, depressed and its so sad to see and if i could end up helping just one of them i would be so happy .
I love helping other people, I always have, but the funny thing is i never really let people in enough to help me, but im starting too. Ive been bitten in the ass too from helping someone, i helped out my "best friend" at the time, a few months ago now, i let her come live with my boyfriend and i because she was supposedly having alot of problems at home, so i said to her that she can come stay with us for as long as she needs to because we have a spare room. Everything worked out great for the first few weeks then she started acting wierd and flirty towards my boyfriend, so i started to get a bit pissed off and didnt talk to her much, then one night i woke up at about 1 in the morning to go to the toilet and realised that my boyfriend wasnt in bed, wasnt on the couch, so i checked to see his car was still there, and it was, then i heard a bang in the spare room so i opened up the door and turned on the light and saw my boyfriend on the floor and this girl in her bed with a massive grin on her face and saying to my bf " what are you doing in here "... i didnt think anything of it at the time because i was half asleep, i liturally thought he was sleep walking, so we both went back to bed. The next morning i thought a little bit more about it, he had been hiding his phone alot, so when he was in the shower i went on a search party for his phone looking everywhere, i couldnt find it... she came up to me and asked what i was lookin for and i said i was looking for his phone to send a message she went red and quickly said, oh use mine ive got plenty of credit, thats when alarm bells rang and i told her no the number i need is in his phone, i walked into the bathroom where he was still in the shower and grabbed his phone out of his jumper pocket and he was very defensive about me taking it but he was in the shower and i was out the door with it. I went and sat in out room and there was one new message, i opened it and it was from her it said "that was close lol" and i read though the messages from her asking him to sleep with her and her also saying she was sure i wouldnt care (she obviously didnt know me too well) and was absolutley surprised to see messages sent from him telling her to leave him alone and that he wasnt interested at all. I walked outside and started to cry, cleaned myself up and walked back in, opened the bathroom door and told him i knew what he was up to and went into the room without saying a peep to her.
He came in and told me that nothing happened at all and he went in there last night to tell her to leave him alone and that i had opened the door into him, thats why he was on the floor, now the only reason i believed him was because he cant lie to me (hes tried and failed many time) and he had tears in his eye when he was telling me, then i heard the front door bang closed and i ran out and saw her running up the street with her bag. She obviously knew i had found out, now im not a violent person what so ever, i wouldnt hurt a fly and i can barely hold an argument if it gets to yelling, but i seriously wanted to hurt her and its probably a good thing she left because i probably would of done something that would of got me in a lot of trouble. I grabbed my phone, sent her a message saying never to come back and that her stuff would be outside in an hour, regardless of if she was there to get them, she wrote back saying "whatever". I put all her stuff outside in the mud, which felt pretty damn good lol. I tried asking her why she did it and all i got where childish sarcastic responses so i left it alone. Later on i also found out she got onto my msn and was abusing my good friends pretending she was me, most of them stopped talking to me but one let me explain the situation and forgave me and hates her......
I have never forgiven this girl for what she did and i cant comprehend why she did it, was she jealous of my relationship and friends? I dont know, but its a horrible thing to do with someone, and i also wanted to make sure my boyfriend didnt do anything so i got my phone company to send me every send and recieved message to his phone (as its under my name) and i was right, he didnt do a thing wrong, from what i read that she sent she tried her hardest to manipulate him.
After that i went a little *crazy* i couldnt be by myself because i was suicidal and cutting, my boyfriend went down the road for 10 minutes and came back to me sitting on the couch rocking back and forth with my arms cut to shreds (this is what he told me becuase i cant remember it at all) and called an ambulance, i went to hospital for assesment by the psych team, who let me go home!!! I repeatedly told her that i thought i needed to be on suicide watch and i was a harm to myself, because i was, but because i could admit to it she thought i was fine and told me to take an extra 2 tablets of valium i had been prescribed... that shows how well the mental health system is down here hey!
But now you can all see why i am so proud of myself, im happy and healthy now (apart from my hospital stay in november) and im starting to get everything back on track!!!
I hope i can help people out who might be going through what i went through, and ill always be here to help anyone, no matter how long i have to sit here typing to them!