Anxiety Self Help

DATE: Oct 30 2007, 9:23 pm / MOOD: Other

I am not happy at the moment lol, i think i have a sinus infection or something going on there for weeks now my nose has been all "cluggy" if that makes sense, and today i am over it because im starting to feel heavy headed, which is not fun, its like the feeling just before lighheadedness. And im paranoid because i did have glandular fever and i am scared of getting it back, i never EVER want to feel that crap again in my life, it was horrible, hence why i am so paranoid because with my glandular fever i had the heavy headed feeling BAD and because my doctor didnt know that i actually had glandular fever (i found out i had it AFTER i had it which sucked) he thought i was suffering from vascular headaches and prescribed me TRAMADOL which i would never ever recommend anyone taking unless they really have to (i later found out that its a synthesized version of herion and totally cracked it) i took it for a few months every day, because i also had my wisom teeth out so i told them i didnt need extra pain relief because i had the tramadol... after i stopped taking the tramadol , omg , that was not fun at all, i felt fairly ordinary for a few days.

But yeah, so im going to go to the doctors this afternoon to see whats going on! I better not have a relapse in glandular fever or i will cry.

I got my tattoo gun the other day *yay* and after me cracking it several times and then my boyfriend getting his mate to come help put it together it works!!!!! So hopefully soon (after lots of practise of course) ill be tattoing away on the people that have volenteered to be my human ginea pigs lol

WELL. anyways i have to love you all and leave you!

Take care!!!

xxx

oo

x

View Entry | Leave A Comment

DATE: Oct 28 2007, 7:12 pm / MOOD: Angry

Im a bit annoyed at the moment and I need venting space, hence the reason for my blog, otherwise ill probably take it out on someone who doesnt deserve it : S

This morning my partner had to go for a medical for work, so he could be put onto fulltime, the only problem is that the you go to the doctor that his work chooses, which is fine, except if you get what happened to him.

He was in the waiting room and what doctor comes out to get him? The doctor that he saw earlier this year about quitting dope, and due to the fact that he didnt go through with the treatment plan this doctor was a massive ASSHOLE to him. Everything was great on the first half, they tested his urine for protiens and blood an whatever (not a drug test thank god) that was all clear, but then the second half came and my boyfriend has asthma, which is very seasonal and the season here has just changed so he was a bit weezy today, so the doctor writes this big story on the medical sheet about how he has bad asthma he needs a treatment plan he needs to stop smoking ciggarettes and if he didnt smoke ciggarettes he wouldnt have asthma and bla blah, during which time my partner was sititng there saying i have an asthma plan and i am trying to stop smoking ciggarettes, EHH.

The doctor did write that he was medically fit for work, but with all the crap he wrote about his asthma im now worried that his work wont put him onto fulltime permanent untill he shows up with an asthma plan and something written from the doctor that he is medically fit with his asthma (which isnt even that bad).

I hate doctors sometimes, they shouldnt be using there personal thoughts about people when seeing them for something like that, they just need to use there medical thoughts and put all else aside.

As you can see, i am pissed off Lol

Well ill find out soon what has happened with it, and i hope its good news

Take care

xx

View Entry | Leave A Comment

DATE: Oct 26 2007, 6:17 am / MOOD: Exited

Im pretty happy with myself at the moment, im not sue if i put it on my previous blog, but i self harm, well cut to be more specific, and i only noticed today that i havent done it for well over a month and i am so damn proud with myself and i hope that this is the start of a long journey of never doing it again!

Im so sick of my scars, my arms look like a zebra crossing and my parents are always asking me "what happened to your arms" or "what are they from".... i tell them i cant remember tha there old, but i honestly know that deep down they know what ive done and it hurts alot to imagine what they think about that!

The ones on my arms are fading, but the more recent ones on my leg are horrible and i am hoping that they go down in time for summer (only a month away down here in oz), but i dont hide my scars away, whats the point, people are going to see them eventually, most people dont ask, some people do.

Some people dont understand self harm and they brush it off as attention seeking, and sure there liturally ARE some people out there that do it to seek attention but most people that do it are crying out for help, there hurting that much on the inside that they need to hurt themselfs to feel real pain to understand how they are feeling.

I need to brush up on all this stuff because next year i am starting a Certificate IV in Community Welfare Work (which leads to being a Social Worker, Counseller, Drug and alcohol worker and a few other things) and Certificate IV in Youth Work, and all of these subjects are going to come up, i think that i would be a great Youth Worker , ive been where most of them are at, ive been through the drugs, through the problems, through the depression and other things and im nearly on the other side, and i really think i can help them and I really want to. Over here in Australia there are so many young people that are abused, drug users, homeless, depressed and its so sad to see and if i could end up helping just one of them i would be so happy .

I love helping other people, I always have, but the funny thing is i never really let people in enough to help me, but im starting too. Ive been bitten in the ass too from helping someone, i helped out my "best friend" at the time, a few months ago now, i let her come live with my boyfriend and i because she was supposedly having alot of problems at home, so i said to her that she can come stay with us for as long as she needs to because we have a spare room. Everything worked out great for the first few weeks then she started acting wierd and flirty towards my boyfriend, so i started to get a bit pissed off and didnt talk to her much, then one night i woke up at about 1 in the morning to go to the toilet and realised that my boyfriend wasnt in bed, wasnt on the couch, so i checked to see his car was still there, and it was, then i heard a bang in the spare room so i opened up the door and turned on the light and saw my boyfriend on the floor and this girl in her bed with a massive grin on her face and saying to my bf " what are you doing in here "... i didnt think anything of it at the time because i was half asleep, i liturally thought he was sleep walking, so we both went back to bed. The next morning i thought a little bit more about it, he had been hiding his phone alot, so when he was in the shower i went on a search party for his phone looking everywhere, i couldnt find it... she came up to me and asked what i was lookin for and i said i was looking for his phone to send a message she went red and quickly said, oh use mine ive got plenty of credit, thats when alarm bells rang and i told her no the number i need is in his phone, i walked into the bathroom where he was still in the shower and grabbed his phone out of his jumper pocket and he was very defensive about me taking it but he was in the shower and i was out the door with it. I went and sat in out room and there was one new message, i opened it and it was from her it said "that was close lol" and i read though the messages from her asking him to sleep with her and her also saying she was sure i wouldnt care (she obviously didnt know me too well) and was absolutley surprised to see messages sent from him telling her to leave him alone and that he wasnt interested at all. I walked outside and started to cry, cleaned myself up and walked back in, opened the bathroom door and told him i knew what he was up to and went into the room without saying a peep to her.

He came in and told me that nothing happened at all and he went in there last night to tell her to leave him alone and that i had opened the door into him, thats why he was on the floor, now the only reason i believed him was because he cant lie to me (hes tried and failed many time) and he had tears in his eye when he was telling me, then i heard the front door bang closed and i ran out and saw her running up the street with her bag. She obviously knew i had found out, now im not a violent person what so ever, i wouldnt hurt a fly and i can barely hold an argument if it gets to yelling, but i seriously wanted to hurt her and its probably a good thing she left because i probably would of done something that would of got me in a lot of trouble. I grabbed my phone, sent her a message saying never to come back and that her stuff would be outside in an hour, regardless of if she was there to get them, she wrote back saying "whatever". I put all her stuff outside in the mud, which felt pretty damn good lol. I tried asking her why she did it and all i got where childish sarcastic responses so i left it alone. Later on i also found out she got onto my msn and was abusing my good friends pretending she was me, most of them stopped talking to me but one let me explain the situation and forgave me and hates her......

I have never forgiven this girl for what she did and i cant comprehend why she did it, was she jealous of my relationship and friends? I dont know, but its a horrible thing to do with someone, and i also wanted to make sure my boyfriend didnt do anything so i got my phone company to send me every send and recieved message to his phone (as its under my name) and i was right, he didnt do a thing wrong, from what i read that she sent she tried her hardest to manipulate him.

After that i went a little *crazy*  i couldnt be by myself because i was suicidal and cutting, my boyfriend went down the road for 10 minutes and came back to me sitting on the couch rocking back and forth with my arms cut to shreds (this is what he told me becuase i cant remember it at all) and called an ambulance, i went to hospital for assesment by the psych team, who let me go home!!! I repeatedly told her that i thought i needed to be on suicide watch and i was a harm to myself, because i was, but because i could admit to it she thought i was fine and told me to take an extra 2 tablets of valium i had been prescribed... that shows how well the mental health system is down here hey!

But now you can all see why i am so proud of myself, im happy and healthy now (apart from my hospital stay in november) and im starting to get everything back on track!!!

I hope i can help people out who might be going through what i went through, and ill always be here to help anyone, no matter how long i have to sit here typing to them!

Take care

xx

View Entry | Leave A Comment

DATE: Oct 24 2007, 9:59 pm / MOOD: Bored

Okay, so I thought that ill tell you all what is actually wrong with me, ive gone on about my meds and your probably thinking well what the hell do you take them for lol, and with saying that I am in no way ashamed in my problems and i find it sad that some people are, if people want to judge you with whats wrong with you then they are not worth your time AT ALL, enough said!

Okay, i take seroquel for bipolar and it has been a godsend, when i was 14 i was diagnosed with depression after months and months of blood tests to find out why i was so "fatigued and down" but in the end a doctor told me that there was no physical cause for what was wrong with me and asked me how i felt mentally, i clammed up, cracked it and walked out (with my mum), when i got outside i completely broke down and told her i feel sad all the time and dont know why...

I ended up seeing a psychiatrist who put me on to Zoloft, which was great for the next few years then it started to loose its effect, id been on it 2 years on the highest doseage and it wasnt working, so i stopped taking it. I had lots of ups and downs and then eventually this year went on Lexapro... in my opinion i dont like it because it did NOTHING... but it helps some people so its just my opinion.

Anyways, i started gettting really depressed and then going into what i know now as "manic" phases and i was FINALLY diagnosed with Bipolar and put onto seroquel last month and have felt great!

I also have extremely bad anxiety, generalized anxiety and agoraphobia (although that is starting to get better) and my doctor hasnt really been very understanding on that, seroquel does help alot but doesnt do too much for anxiety, and the only good anxiety drugs out there can be addictive, hence why he doesnt want to give them to me.

I was on valium for a week when i had a bad time and to tell you the truth im glad he didnt give me anymore then that or i think i would of battled an addiction which i dont really want to do again!

Yes again, i have been addicted to marijuana, most people laugh and say its not addictive but i can definatly prove those people wrong i have known alot of people addicted including me!

I moved out of home when i was 16, because my mental state was not good and i was just being a horrible person to my family so i thought they would be better off without me, and to help me feel better about that i started smoking dope, i probably did that for about a year and eventually quit, luckily i got out of it easy, but i still deal with the addiction everyday, not in myself but in my partner, hes been addicted to it for 7 years and has finally sought help and hopefully he will get better, many people say to leave him, and i would if he was just smoking it for the hell of it, but he had a horrible childhood that i wouldnt wish upon anyone and he started smoking it to supress feelings and it just went on from there.

So anyway, now you all know my life story Lol!

Have a good day/night!

xx

View Entry | Leave A Comment

DATE: Oct 24 2007, 7:58 pm / MOOD: Other

So unfair, i HATE bills there so retarded, so i get a power bill right, it says $504 dollars (for 3 months) and its supposedly "overdue", well i never got one before this one grrr, and my bills every other time are only 200 (for every 3 months) so i call them and she tells me "oh you ticked to have your bills sent to your email" im like "FFS seriously" then i ask, okay why is it 504 for 3 months when its normally like 200 or under, shes like WINTER BILL, im like i dont have electric heating god damn, anyways long story short i STILL have to pay it, blah, well i shouldnt of expected not to anyways, i hate there stupidness, if i make sense Lol

Then im getting even more pissed off because i loose all this weight because i had glandular fever, i honestly needed to loose the weight and happened to get glandular fever so it all panned out (except for being so damn sick) but now ive started on my new meds my god, my appitite is so massive.... not cool. Lol

Bah, i cant think of much more to say ive had my whinge Lol

Bye Bye

xx

View Entry | Leave A Comment

DATE: Oct 24 2007, 4:12 am / MOOD: Anxious

I just found out today that I have to go to hospital in November, only for a day procedure but i am still scared as hell.... i hate anasthetic, maybe i could ask them to do it without it Lol or maybe not..

anyways

wish me luck

View Entry | Leave A Comment

DATE: Oct 23 2007, 10:38 pm / MOOD: Bored

I am now seriously addicted to getting tattoos, I suppose atleast its not a real addiction so to say, but i got my second one 2 weeks ago and i ALREADY want another one... im going to end up with millions and my mum is going to hate it lol, she saw my new one and went "that is soo big what if you have a job interview" my response "ill wear pants" Lol

Then i went and watched my bf get his first one on monday and i was like "ohhh do me do me" i already have my second design in mind,  geisha on my back going from my hip up to my shoulder.. big i know, and i certainly dont look like the type of person that would have a big tattoo on my leg then another big one on my back, but really i dont care what people think.

Another thing that is bothering me right now are the meds im on, my doctor wanted me to slowly go up to 300mg like this 50mg day one, 100mg day two, 150mg day three, 200mg day four, 250mg day five and then 300 mg there onwards. Problem is when i took 150mg i got restless leg syndrome which was a pain so im put of taking anymore than 100mg, which my doctor said is fine but he does eventually want me to move up to that 300mg mark and i am scared Lol then my other problem is i feel like i need to go up a bit higher with it, so i am in a right pickle! But the good thing about taking it is that i havent felt like crap since i started it YAY!

Well cant think of much more to say so have fun

xx

View Entry | Leave A Comment