Jun 21 2012, 11:02 pm / Happy
I am slowly inflating back to life. I truly feel and for the record am much like someone in the battle fields of world war 1, who's life was over, who's life was destroyed who is coming back...
So many people want to be someone. They want status, they have never been through anything really tragic. So many people compete with me. They don't want me around. Im real. They want make believe. I make them nervous because they have nothing to offer. They think they have something to offer. My presence with no defenses in some areas drives people crazy. It would suggest I have been through such sub human things, that Im not scared of the mere regular kite builder; the average person. People begin to squirm around me when they realize I don't have anything to hide from them, yet, they have plenty to hide from everyone. In the end, It is sad, it is rejection and Im not wanted.
I find my self watering down my story that it not intimidate people to much. I play the underdog so they have a chance. They cant compete against me. They still believe in society. They still want to be something in the waked-blue -barrel make-believe places of there minds. I know all about real societies and what they do.. They butcher and kill people. They force their own children to hang themselves by a rope after brutalization and slow torture. Societies brake and rape there people into early death. America is exactly that, like all other nations. When one realizes its a place of murder; one does not want to be here anymore. Its not about any specific countries, they are all alike. America has allot more food and stuff. I would rather be homeless in a small town in middle America then the middle east or vietnam.
I have fought the dragon on the mountain top. I have fought him, and I was killed by him. Thus, I was resurrected by God. I went back up that mountain, when the dragon realized I was not afraid anymore, that it didn't matter anymore. That I was at the end of myself and was walking on Gods behalf, The dragon thus knelt before me, he did not attack. That day he was my fervent serpent;. I simply walked by him and came home...
Now what!, As I become me again, I am damaged. I am at least 75% PTSD all the time. However, the thoughts are not always unpleasant as before. I am rebuilding the outside as much as I can the inside. The result is a mixed concrete man. A man of damage and new. Im afraid the stress and anxiety of the PTSD problems limits what I can do.. People don't understand this. They don't need to, they don't want to. They never will. It is an invisible disability to the general public.
Im become less afraid to be myself to the general public. However, one needs to always remember, a whole network of talkers behind that back exists, especially in a small town.. When ever someone like myself steps out from the norm and tries to do something for themselves, there will be attacks from those who talk allot and do little.
I have worked on my spiritual life the way some people build a big sale boat in the back yard, one plank of tech wood at a time. day after day, year after year, the tech wood begins to take shape creating a boat, as God begins to take shape for the spiritual person as they create a life.
The future is uncertain. What is certain; I will not be in quit desperation as others. I am not afraid of dying. I will be glad for the day this joke is over with. The pain comes from not living or being able to finish a life, and I believe I am getting on track to live it once more... should be interesting...