Jun 17 2012, 7:57 am / Don't know
Dumping my stuff is exceptionally important in the healing process. Its like a person turning to the group telling them the whole story!. It gives a feeling of belonging strength and hope..
Anxiety? Enough to kill myself. Im not going to, and Ive had those high levels most of my life. Ive been here before. I get this way when I have to go back into the war zone and relive everything.... The war zone is my younger years of horror. I was not in the military...
1. I have to give up on the old family system; In the real world: this is no easy feat. Ive known people that have killed themselves over this stuff. this causes people to hang themselves. It means all is gone or lost of the past, along with past hopes and dreams and worth. One real trauma can send a person over the edge. Im suggesting hundreds that are thrown at me at once. I end up panicky and alone. Its that " alone" thing that is so horrible, unbelievably inhumane and torturous. HOwever, as I wake up, I have no choice.
This will take several years of work, and many thousands of blogs and other things I will work on... The key is " One step at a time".....
2. It does bug me that my inheritance was stolen from me on both sides of this family system. Its a ruthless control thing of humiliation. I will have to let it go and move on. Easy to watch on TV. Horrible to attempt in real life, especially with no support. And there is no support. The vampires in this world are selfish, more then I could have ever conceived or imagined. It is not Gods world... This place is unbelievable.
3. The transition or moving through the bottle neck to the other side is a brutal. the anxiety and fear is beyond belief, as the child in me does not win. The child is finally accepting the reality of complete abandonment with no return. All hope and dreams of the past are laid waist in a field of emptiness and horror. All I can do is walk away never to be seen again.
4. And some how I am to carry this small child in me, to the other side. I have no strength to do so. Have I not been through enough as it is. I am rising. I must leave. To what!, I don't know.
5. I am stunned by the indifference in this world. Im completely tak'n back...
6. I must grieve; be able to get to a point of grieving. This is the key to letting go. I believe this is why people wont grieve or get to a point of grieving; If I get to a point of grieving, I might have to move forward and let go of everything.
At least Im seeing the truth.. I need more of it. In the past it was death that would have saved me, it was the only escape. I will have to trust God and find another way. The humiliation is to hard to bare.... Its hard when all hope and belief came from a fantasy bond. That I was never like or appreciated or accepted by anyone. The reality of this is confusing and overwhelming.
Resentment work will start; I must be purged of this dishonest track. Denial has to be broken for me to experience and feel the truth. When I can feel the truth, then things will start rolling..
This road will take a long to to repave. Its the beginning that is so important..