Jun 09 2012, 10:23 am / Curious
Identify: 2 parts
1. Loon lake
1. As my family was outside next to the cabin, I would sit happily and draw. I liked my sensitive little life. I had a family, a father that cared about me. Now I see he had nothing else to do, he was not the one bringing the money in.
My mother played a passive role. Thank God. As soon as that passive role was unsprung, it was over for this family system..
I was free and safe for a little while in myself to learn and find out who I was. Then it all ended.
Im attempting to get this original person back.. That in part is the nature of the anxiety disorder... The pressure of finding myself while in the rough world causes great inner disturbance. This disturbance causes waves. These waves are anxiety, they wave to the world everyday...
Im looking to create boundaries
2. meeting this morning: being around controlling people:
This is what I told them
1. Im not here for social positioning or dominating the group, nor do I want anyone else dominating me. I came here for recovery, nothing more.
2. People in these meetings seem to have boundary problems: Stay away from my pen and paper and my basic space. If your going to serve coffee, don't do it in away that disrupts my karma, or Il'l alarmya... .
3. Stop talking behind peoples backs:
I get ripped on because of my work situation, or lack of.. I told people that is was none of there business, My work stuff, life stuff, relationship stuff. I told them to back off.
The most important things I get out this are:
1. Watching myself grow and standup for myself around other people
2. Those people can come and go out of my life. I don't need them, even tho Im from a torn up family system and I have a million abandonment issues.
3. My real feelings might be that I don't like them, and they don't like me. Maybe its better feel these feelings and except them and understand I wont be marring anyone at that meeting in the near future..
4. Im angry and abusive and I want to take it out on the world and cause them trouble for what they caused me in the passed. This is the negative stuff thats not about them...
Mom, father, family system, tried to strip me of my inheritance, my identity, my life.. It hurts, it almost worked. It did not work... Im looking to start over at some point. Relive. Understand that my past will not come back. Work my way into a new way of thinking, leading me to the acceptance of things.. This would allow a smooth path into a new way of living... It is all very lonely and hard... I am making slow real progress...
It always feels like Im in WW1, I have to crawl from the trenches and face the humiliation of the enemy again, one more day. Its very hard to hit it head on and see myself for who and what I am... and to see the enemies motives and intent ( an intent to kill me). Its all very sad and humiliating and despicable. Its all necessary for the future building of a new life. The war will not go on for ever.
I have learned to take God with me. Others are not on my side.