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May 19th 2013: morning
DATE: May 19 2013, 8:46 am / MOOD: Other
Im mad. Im one out of a million. I get to come back. Come back to some form of life. I would rather die like a rat! I do not want to be in the middle. I am not going to be in the middle. Im long past that. I do not want to be one of those kiss-ups that sit with the rich at the banquet table, claiming they are one in a 1'000'000 that got lucky and came back to life. Came back with little resentments and a new outlook on life. I cant see myself hanging around a bunch of corrupt middle class that have forgotten about the real struggle that is going on in life; About the death that is going on in this life for the innocent; they never had a chance, As I never had a chance.
I would rather die then hang out with those people or be part of this society. Yet, If not death, one moves back from the edges of society to the middle; nothing I can do about it!
The scars on my mind and soul will never change. They were incased by this society. This society is not innocent. This society is murderers; like all societies murder. Societies murder the poor and innocent.
Where am I suppose to come back to. I feel like an alien in an alien land. I don't know who I am and I don't recognize you. I seem to be OK if I stay to myself. When I get involved with people; thats when the trouble starts.
No one wants the truth. Im in a society of formless emotionless people. People that have forgotten themselves; have lost there purpose and direction. Not that its my business what others are doing. However, Im human, and need to belong to a social community. I have not found one.
When a group, any group is willing to rape, murder and abandon then cover everything up and smile like nothing is happening: I want nothing to do with them.
I will stay to myself most of the time, the people in this arena are not safe, they cant be trusted.
Im of little to no value to most; most are to competitive and arrogant to care what I have to say about anything. Im looked at like an odd wall fixture with no importance; nothing important to say.
Im learning my self worth needs to be protected with sanity. I cant wait for others to be attracted to me. I must love myself and wake up with Gods help; that is whats happening.
Put God first!
Keep praying; let go of everything!
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Saturday the 18th 2o13; morning
DATE: May 18 2013, 8:39 am / MOOD: Other
Its very hard to be at a mens meeting with people that work at nuclear plants, carpenters that smash nails all day then tend there horses, and x bikers who have given up murder to ride there Harley's for God. And when its my turn to talk, I say this : I think women are yucky, I want to ride my bike and eat popsicles.
Im a snob: I think Im better then everyone and everyone owes me. Im in love with myself becaouse I dont love myself.
Im a snob: I think Im better then everyone , I think Im worse then everyone. Im scared of everything thing. and everyone owes me. Im in love with myself and only think about myself. Secretly deep down in side, Im afraid you wont like me! Why should I take a chance if Im going to get ruined again! Hurt! be alone again!
At that point silence abounds the room. Fear, terror and horror amass in these hardened motor wrenched creased faces.
Im looking around realizing no one is on my side. Well, you win some you loose some. I had to say it.
As I continue to dump the truth and work on my immaturity; a real immaturity of stunted growth, the room relaxes with a sigh of relief, realizing I am safe, Im just an idiot…
Some things are hard to say in front of a bunch of guys. However, the truth must be exposed or I will never grow up.
I must work my way into a new way of thinking. The 1o year old must go on a journey with God and move from 10 to eleven, not 10 to 40. Its one step at a time, one birthday to the other.
First I must egnollege the 1o year old before I can start working on him. He is a closed book.
Fear occurs when the adult attempts to be cool, and flounders. The 1o year old was always running everything. The adult was a mask 1o feet tall and bullet proof.
True fear and growth occur when the mask is melted away in front of others without permission. I am left with a floundering 1o yeaR old, and the person in front of me sees this. I have no where to run or hide. If I choose to bring the mask back to hide, the person in front of me knows Im a coward that does not want the pain associated with achievement. The person in front of me might think they are not worth my time and turn and walk off. They will discover that Im a fake through and through.
Im attempting to learn to let the 1o year old out before I meet people. be aware of the masks before I meet up,. Its very scary! And Im ashamed that Im so scared. Im a 1o year old taking chances Im not prepared for. Im expected o be 13 when Im only 1o and that creates defeat….
I would like my secret feelings to come out. I would like to show my feelings in the face of rejection; knowing they are open and exposed. I would like to learn how to negotiate time and space as these feelings are fully exposed in the firing line. Its about confidence.
However, Im not ready for confidence, Im to young. The 7 to 10 year old must work on pre relationship stuff. However, The 1o year old cant stay in the 1o year old world. He must grow and learn to survive, that " me" the adult have a chance in this life.
Its all up to God
Its all up to God
Its all up to God
Its about not being a victim. Its about not people pleasing. Its about walking through people like thin air when they are not worth my time. And not budging in one direction or the other.
Im horrified to disobey anyone. Scared to death! I want to love so badly, and Im afraid they will run of. I will be hated and abandon! like my parent hated and abandon me. Like my friends hated and abandon me. Like the school systems hated and abandon me. Like the important people in the community hated and abandon me!
All I think about myself. Secretly deep down in side, Im afraid you wont like me! Why should I take a chance if Im going to get ruined again! Hurt! be alone again!
I have no courage. I feel it is beneath me to have courage. Theres nothing worth being courageous about: whats the point! I cant face the fear and move in any direction. Im like a kid that is in front of a bully and cant move! I get used to it, and never grow again!
What about there children…
I think the children thing has me all bound up. I don't think God wants me involved with someone else's children. I might mess them up or not pay attention to them. I don't want to be married to her children. I am the child. I want mummy all to myself. I want to be nurse maided. I want the milk bottle given to me. I don't want competition. Im like a small child inside that needs his mommy! That wants his milk.
Its hard to negate women that Im attracted to, that I have to unattract because they have children.
I do not want to be stuck with children.. Well,! thats not true. I would take care of them and spend time with them… Im not there father! That is what bugs me. They might ask what Im doing around there mom if Im not there father! I don't want to hurt them or freak them out.
Im still to sick to be around anyone except a therapist. I have to much aggression. The deep core of aggression has to come out!
Lots of work to be done. I do not have a clear head on things, Im "O" so irrational about everything. The narcissist is still running things inside me and I am completely irrational in my thoughts towards people, places, and things.. Nothing makes any sense right now..
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Music and Art and People
DATE: May 16 2013, 11:09 pm / MOOD: Other
More calls from the old fellowship; they wont leave me alone. they know Im through with the place and they now why. I got another phone call from another member of the group. I do not want these people calling me or contacting me. I do not have the strength to tell them to get lost; not yet! They know what there doing. There trying to intimidate me into being stuck like them. I have choices.
I walked away from the place months ago and am never returning. I got hurt in that place and don't ever want to go back. These people are causing trouble in my life.
Im looking forward to one year away from the place. that would be next november. that will work for me. Life is short, I do not want to spend it on these trouble makers. Its all very hard.
And I saw another one at the gym today. They act like everything is normal. Like they can roll over the top of me with no issues. However, I can see signs of wear on there faces, as I do not go to that fellowship anymore. Ill see what happens. there keeping this alive when I closed it out many moons ago…
Looking into animation software to start my art project.
My minister just told me I can sing my song over and over and over; sing it each sunday, the same song, that I get better. I thought this was a wonderful thing to do and say…
I think its a God thing as well. God and the minister want me to go in my direction. Its very scary. And its very hard to perform.
Im a creative artist and it takes practice. Its good to know others want to help out and are " with me". Im not used to it. Its taking allot of trust.
When I was growing up, my mother tried to destroy everything about me, out of me. I have never trusted anyone with anything. However, I was 2 sick to remember who I was, I was not performing or able to remember that I was an artist. Now things are different.
My mind has been damaged, so has my brain. My ability to memories is destroyed. This is part of the mind damage and long term PTSD. My mind will not get better. The symptoms go down. THey have gone down. However, the damage remains. In places, large places; no strength.
WHo would want me!, That is what it feels like. Who would want me in a relationship. Who wants a weak man! That is what it feels like. I will have to trust God and get this figured out. I suppose when I meet women that they think Im someone Im not. I fear that when they find out who or what I really am they will leave me.
That fact is: Ive had allot of beautiful women like me. I left them before they could leave me. Then I claim I had the right to. I was smart to leave, I knew they could not be trusted and they would leave me sooner or later.
Interest: They never left me. Yet, I claim women are going to leave me, and I left them?
Im going to have to get enough guts to follow through...
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DATE: May 15 2013, 5:57 pm / MOOD: Other
Someone called me tonight. This caused anxiety. He was from my past 12 step group. He is still holding on to what happened 6 months ago with the girl. He has no idea I have grown past all of that. He has no idea I have grown past having an association with him.
When you step away from someone for awhile, you get a chance to see the real person. Thats why I want nothing to do with that group or its people anymore. Not as easy as it seems to let go. I see these people all the time. They act like we are friends and nothing has happened. Everything has happened. IVe moved on.
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Tuesday 14th 2013
DATE: May 14 2013, 2:58 pm / MOOD: Other
Im getting better: Im looking forward to a time I can say Ive improved to the point of being "Weak" weak is not a bad place to be. At-least it has a space on the number line. Im used to negative numbers....
Starting exersize walking again. Ive gained 10 pounds. Not a big deal. I know how to loose it quickly.
I will keep writing! working on the below issues on this site and abroad.
Looking at several areas down this path.
1. 4 to 5 people from past 12 step chemical based group are giving me a bad time. I have to remember. This was a hardcore group of people. They were pathological and dishonest to start with. Now Ive turned against them because I don't need them anymore. Ive moved on; they are left behind and there not happy about it. They are desperately trying to get me to remember " Im stuck like they are" However, I am not stuck in the meetings. Ive moved on. Im looking forward to the courage to stand up to these bozos and say good-by. They served there purpose well now its time for me to move on!
2. Girl from the meetings: she is long gone. Im talking specifically about the effects of the event upon me and what is changing.
I am sorry for what I did to her. I take it to God all the time as I sift through the history to find the ground level, that I may walk out of that darkened city to a brighter place.
a. Im learning that anyone that gets close to me triggers the PTSD episode journey. This journey has many ideas. First, I get involved or close. I shut down as if Im getting abused. I cover up or break down. My mind goes out for a few months then starts to recover. I physically get away from the PTSD triggering problem. I never return. when I feel safe; several months later, I process everything. The major problem is: Im shutting down on good people as well as the bad. This will not do! Im working on a solution as I write...
Ive taken this girl case to God for 6 months. Now, Im looking at the big question. Why did I chicken out! Why was I so afraid to go out with her! Ive dealt with the guilt issues and the " Im a punisher" issues. Now I look at the big question. What is the inner workings that held me back from asking her for a date or getting involved with her?
This is a very important question! This takes me through the PTSD bottleneck that has always stopped me from performing in one arena and subject or another. The importance of this case study is imperative if Im going to learn how to "do it right" the next time. Im directing the past that the future may look different then the past. I need to learn as much as I can from my mistakes. Gold is in those mistakes and memories.
As I think about how I would have approached her ( I flashback), I see my house on C street. I see my mother, father in the backyard, its 4th of july. Im having a wonderful time. My father is in charge, we are setting off fire works. I am very happy. I feel loved by my father. My mother is a distant object. She seems normal to be in the background. It seems Im from a normal family on a nice street. And I feel secure with my father there.
I see my best friend at his house. Im visiting. I see my bike in the front lawn. It will be stolen the next day. I see josh and herald, the next door neighbors. I see lisa down the street and Gary Grey. He will kill himself at age 37. What a shame.
These are the original memories of self. This are pain memories, as these memories will die as my mind dies, not to fare into the distant future. I will be robbed: my soul, my mind my way of life. For, no one really cared about me. It was all a lie. I was Destroyed.
This girl from the meetings touched the 9 year old in me and the memories that go with it. If I am to go through this bottleneck. I must deal with the horror memories of loss and abandonment and rape that go with it... And these memories shut me down. However, If I do not learn to go though these memories; No present Girl friends! No relationships! I will not be able to emote or get close to any women. That is the carrot that God has brought me! And what a motivator it is! ( smile). What did happen with that girl from the meetings, that I could not ask her out?
I Can handle about 2 hours of interaction before I shut down. From the meeting to the Gym; that is all I can handle. The interactions with people trigger me. Only takes a few people and Im triggered; shut down. The closer the interaction and the more dysfunctional the interaction, the more Im shut down. So, its disabling for me. It sucks, it is the way it is.
My nervous system begins to pack up. One set of stressers on-top of another. Within a few hours Im over extended.
I lost my way of life as a child. I lost my childhood, the family system, and the environment, its people, my home town, and my dreams. And I believe this is the primary source of the trouble. When this can be better cleared up, I will be doing better. I have a hard short road ahead of me. The rapids are wild, then it will calm.
I lost all of the important primary people as a child. Then I was set up into horror..
At 50 years old. Im kinda in an interesting place. Ive done allot of recovery work and recovered allot. Im on the right path, in the right direction. I take everything to God all the time, including guilt... So, Im not alone.
Evil people tried to destroy my life. They almost succeeded, However, they did not win. Im more then enraged at what crimes were committed against me. Technically my life was destroyed. I did not destroy it, someone else did. This is not an easy thing to live with.
I forgive all people for doing anything to me, and now Im going mountain biking.
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March 13th 2013
DATE: May 13 2013, 9:18 am / MOOD: Other
PTSD is the problem: The solution is less PTSD , more honesty, more reality. The PTSD problems take over my mind completely. I try to answer reality problems in a brain that has been taken hostage and isn't home!
My mother did a job on me. The battered abuse, more psychological abuse to convince me that I was not good enough to have a girl. That I was ugly, and that no girl could or should ever get near me. That I was not good enough to be on this planet or be alive. That I should be dead and should have never been alive or born.
I do not feel good enough for a girlfriend or to have a girlfriend. Girlfriends are for the lucky people that have a life. Im no good, and not good enough for that. Im a simply basic person that deserves scrubbing floors and nothing else.
If a girl liked me Id run away. Id hide in the corner of a round room and pear at her. ( did I say pear: So, Im throwing fruit at her! How nice!). I meant ( looking at her with sharp intent). I was told I was no good and never good enough for anyone. So if anyone gets close to me I freak and don't believe it. I panic and go into shock. I believe my mother over reality. And that sucks big time. All of these messages from my mother; if I love her and listen to her, I stay safe and everything is OK. I am taken care of.
I have to break away from my mothers influence. I have no idea how to do this with women. Im scared of women. They seem so powerful and I seem so small and unwanted. Im tired and exhausted of women; or the women running around in my head. Possibly the PTSD problems have such a hold on this part of my thinking, Im getting exhausted from thinking so much.
I have a lot of anger, hate, rage, torture and hate stuff.... I guess its built up silently from my Mom.. I had no idea she was ruining me. It was so subtle. However, I think at the time of the abuse, I never knew anything else. I thought it was normal. My self worth and self esteem were destroyed. I learned to doubt myself about everything. I have no faith in myself. I had nothing. I was a ghost. I never got to develop. I never developed. And I have to go deeper to get in-touch with the beginning in-order to halt and reverse these personal violations.
THe biggest problem is feeling like such a sicko! a weirdo.
Girl from the meetings and God:
I punished a person. I destroyed them. I killed Them. That was the goal. Not a real killing, everything else. I abused them. I punished them. I whiplashed them. I took all my pain out on them. My family hurt me: Im going to hurt them. And I did. And I loved it. And I showed them..
Ive been on my knees to God ever since. I ask God to sift me like wheat that I develop a conscious. That it returns to me, that I can remember.
This was Gods daughter, and He did not give me permission to hurt what he created. I was not to take her hostage and hijack her love, then throw it away into the sea and keep it from being free.
I may never have a chance to talk to the girl again ( and little does that matter) As this is an ongoing story between me and God, Therefore, I take my case to God, over and over and over, day after day after day, and ask God to inventory me. Show me the truth. What I did. When I present this case long enough and the evidence is in. God, thus, takes my guilt away that I may move forward. It is all for the good. God is attempting to wake me up that I learn again how to have a loving family and how to treat them. I come from a background of horror and survival: I never survived. I learned to attack and to hate those that claim love or attempt to get close to me. I dealt with traitorous monsters that used every tactic to destroy me. Its all my nervous system knows; push back, fight back.
GOd is teaching me. He wants me to learn. I come from a family with no love. When I opened up for love, I was tortured. After a long while, My nervous system began to fight back. I would close down to anyone that got close enough to give physical or emotional affections or violence or trickery. I opened up to run or attack. I opened up and prepared for suicide most of the time. As death was the only way out. I was over damaged. I was so severely damaged that I was a cripple by the time I was 16.
God is now showing me that this girl was my family! The old family passed away when I was a child. Now God was bringing me new family or what a real family would look like suitable for me.
I slammed this girl away from me for 2 months until she finally gave up and went away permanently. God is presenting his case to me on how I deal with the outside world. And Im seeing how I treat people that actually love me and care about me. So, The force that protects me must come down. It must come down if I am to live with a new family,. I must accept; the old family is gone and I will go into a new direction forward and find the new family. It hurts a great deal to think like this. I miss my original family. However, I never really had one. God is teaching me to let go and let the draw bridge down.
I don't have allot of friends. And I have to become myself again; not the soldier protector.
I miss this girl. However, I have much work to do for the future family God will allow me to find.
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May 12th movements..
DATE: May 12 2013, 11:42 am / MOOD: Other
Sorry for so many blogs: things are running slow here at anxiety-tribe and I need to write...
Happy Mothers day!
At the meeting this morning... Donna is at the far end of the tables. The meeting are over. We are all cleaning up, moving tables, chairs, things. I turn around after putting up a chair, I see Donna. I say hi to her. she responds, I say again, this time she laughs, I ask her to grab the table so we can take it to the other room. I laugh with her and mention that by letting the table bang against the wall, she just killed three new comers. She looks at me and laughs. She then asks me how I am. I told her was good and made another joke.. I then said good by and to have a good day.
This is the first for me of such free spontanious interactions. This social interaction was spontaneous and I had to take full chances with someone. It was all on me, I had to make the first move. I could have been rejected. This was pure real interaction and communication. This was with a women. So, all the work up to this point is starting to change the inside of me. No one saved me, and I was not a victim. This simple interactive move will build me a friendship with this person. And that has been the goal all along. If I can start with nothing and build something; I can build on that ( something). I have Dissociative Disorder. Dissociative disorder destroys the ability to get physically close to someone or interact intimately. Ive been working for years on rehab of this condition, and todays interaction is the best of its kind that Ive had to date.
Todays interaction is the beginning. Im assuming, a few more months of practice and Im going to beam outward and become much less afraid of social interactions.
12Th; Just performed for church, one of my songs. Its been a long time. When Im back performing, it suggests Im not chasing women . When I chase women, I cant concentrate on creating anything; my mind is all messed with...
The anxiety from PTSD problems seriously inhibits my abilities to perform. Therethor, I have choices to what to write that would make things easier. more basic songs... Simple, simple, simple.
I practiced the performance material this week. . It made no different. I came out about 40% of what it could be.
Im going to find out about mime work in the park and playing the guitar down town. permits and that kind of stuff.
Performance comes from practice. And performance is heavily directly effected by the complex anxiety disorders that I have.
Two more women have payed attention to me today. And I need to learn from them. I notice that I chase people away. Or I seize up and don't converse or respond. One young women, who would be in the daughter category ask me why I didn't talk to her, then she walked off.
When Im full of anxiety, I never think about the other person. So, when Im around people; plenty of people that don't count, these people see nothing in me. However, a few people do see worth in me. Its hard to see this when your always keyed up and thinking about surviving your anxiety: always thinking about yourself!
Im slowly moving forward. I need to learn to keep the creeps from the last meeting place I quit away from me. They catch me off guard and take my power away from me. They are snakes, and they are not honest people, and I do not want them around me. However, I hate abandonment and I get desperate and scared and intimidated and frightened lonely and allow them to take over. I have to learn or practice ignoring them when I see them. They are so evil and arrogant; :"they don't get it" They are to pathological.
Im like a dog that was abused to much. I get frightened. Cower down and get inline with my master. that one with the authority to abuse me. I am very week this way. Its very difficult. Does this cause anxiety? Yes! big time anxiety and fear!
Lots of work ahead in new expanding directions!
Narcissism and the girl from the meetings; the info learned and talked about from the girl at the meetings will go on for a long long time; long after she was gone. The premise of my condition hinged on my experience with this person. The goal is to change everything about my personality, that not one ounce of negativity toward that person will ever exist again..
The girl from the meetings:
The girl from the meetings loved me unconditionally. And it is that unconditional love that stopped my way of life up to that point. It is this love that shined the light on my narcissism. I had been working for a very long time that I could have friends again after 35 years. This women offered to allow a best friend situation to occur. This is an act of love. Everything from her was an act of giving sacrificing love.
I judged everything about her unacceptible and negetive, except the love. The love she had was perfect and appreciated; or now it is appreciated. Everything else about her I did not like. I was the perfect narcissist. I found a women that was a play girl. She, when thin, looked like a playboy bunny. The way she talked and walked convayed a sense that only the best men in a group apply. She only picked the top men out of any group. She was physically beautiful with a great body; All the men thought so. She had a bubbly stuck up personality. She would only allow the top men or popular people around her. She was intelligent and sensitive.
Her lower class condition made her unbearable to me as I did not know what I was getting into. I judged every little detail about her. My idea was; she needed to loose weight and get back to having that playboy look, so I could show her off, or feel better about myself when walking around town with her. I wanted a show girl, not a fat girl.. Her children were not suitable for me as they were psychologically and emotionally damaged. I did not want them competing for her affection as there was an unwritten rule that I was to be the boy/child in her life. I was to get all her codependent affections.
Her background from the streets, her drug use, the people she associated with, her attitude about somethings, or pathology or backwoods attitude towards her children, the type of family she came from. All of these things I passed judgement on . All of them. Now that I think about it. She was brave enough to trust me with her private information and I turned on her and used it against her because I was superior or better live stock. I could get better, I was in competition with everyone else to have a mate that looked better and talked better then my neighbors. She was to complete my ego. I would have popular fantasies of both of us acting like prince and princess of any social popular event that we could look good and fit in. I wanted to be someone; she was going to complete that roll. She was going to complete me until I saw that her love for me was real. She was not play acting or manipulating. Her child feelings were fond of me. She was in love with me. It floored and scared the narcissist of me into running from shame and cowardess.
Was I superior. No! She was as honest as I was. She loved me unconditionally; meaning, she would accept me the way I was. I thought I had it going on. Did I. no!, I must have been in a dream world if I thought I was every women's dream guy. Far from it! It takes a good women to put up with some of my finical and personal short comings.. She was willing to accept me the way I was, she innocently thought I would do the same.. I did not. I turned on her..
The point. She loved me. I accepted that. Everything else I did not accept! This is because I am a narcissist. The external was all that was important. How she looked and acted reflected how I accepted myself. She would become a part of me! I owned her! This is an example of the perfect pathological narcissist.
My goal is to love someone for loving me and expecting nothing else. I love her and that would be enough! As I write this the warrior in me is spitting and wanting to attack. The warrior must go..
Narcissistic external judgment vs love. Which one do I take. I know which one to take: the love. Now, How do I get there without the narcissistic side looking for every opportunity and its desire to take over an control everything.
Happy mothers day!
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May 11th 2013 blog
DATE: May 11 2013, 1:55 pm / MOOD: Other
Been up since 4. didn't use the machine so I didn't sleep well. went to meeting. Spent 4 hours at the reservoir riding. found all kinds of new trails and routs. Saw an unsafe person I know on the trail. Said hello out of people pleasing and fear. Was on the bike. Went by him. Have nothing but contempt and hatred for him. This is coming out of the narcissistic side self. If I had no narcissistic side, I would never have known this stupid person. Meaning, this person is not the brightest light bulb in the closet.
My endurance mountain biking is getting stronger. Im worried. I do not want a heart attack. I can ride hundreds of miles a day. Meaning 200 miles in a day... I can ride all day long. 12 hours... It worries me. I am bragging unrealistically a bit, but Im not! Im not sure what to think...
Hit a meeting this morning. same topic for me as usual,. The narcissist.. :
The adolescent part of my life is the area of damage. Addictions, dissociations. Unable to establish relationships. PTSD... many problems, and sensitivities in these areas.
cant make decisions. My mind is taken over by dissociation and Im not home. And this is a major cause of confusion and harm with dealing with others. I can see, but I cannot move. And I need to back out the way I came in if nothing else works. I need to leave if Im not ready. I need an escape rout.
I can tell you I want a relationship with you, if from a safe distance. However, as I physically get closer to you, the warrior comes out, I cannot control it. I will reject you, punish you through passive aggression and guilt. I will walk away from you, giving you the impression Im not coming back.
I am not in touch with my real feelings when Im the warrior. Im in touch with the tortured nervous system that is trying to protect itself. I have not been able to control the part of me reacting. This part of me reacts when or as I get physically closer to people.
Im better then I used to be. My mind/emotional system in general is better. I can clearly see the adolescent stage as the stage with the problems. lots of bottle necks and miss directed dislocated nodes of information. Nothing is able to get processed. Fear and contempt and low self esteem and low worth reside in this section...
I am smart enough to stay out of relationships. I will not get into a relationship until the problems are resolved and the symptoms are down...
I believe God has me moving on. I do not believe as I get better that I will go back to prior possible relationships. The old is gone. God is not having me associate with people that do not investigate a situation to find the truth. Ignorance before the investigation has killed more relationships; Its horrid! I am not attracted to people that don't tell the truth. I am not attracted to people that wont or don't care to tell the truth or look for as the top priority! Anything less is manipulation!
The work to unravel the dissociative problems when getting to close to the tortured area will be an art. Im not sure what Im doing. Im starting with honesty and a better understanding. for example.
I feel that girls are yucky! I want to ride my bike and eat pop cycles. What age is this? 9! 10-12. Im sure. Its part of the last things I remember being me. Im in the adalecent stage. As it opens up, Im back where I was before I was destroyed. is this OK. I dont know! It is what it is!
Im interested in ( women-grown up girls). They pose a threat. They pose a threat to my narcissistic side. I will have to let go of me when a girl takes me. The adult man in me is getting tired of all this. I would rather be with lots and lots of women. ITs no game!, the problems that I have. It will take time to find answers. So, when it comes to women, This is how I feel. not all of me. Put allot of me. Im in the middle of the adolescence stage while still being in the man stage.. Its all hard on my personality. Yet, its the truth. I dissociate into this part of my personality. I cannot control it. I have face it, accept it, feel, deal and heal, and start growing again
Ive rejected the adolescent in me. Ive been ashamed and embarrassed for how I really feel . Im acting like my mother. My mother ignored the decent parts of me, Now, Im ignoring and laughing at the decent parts of me. She abused me. Now, Im abusing me! I cant help it.
I have allot to uncover of that time period. I will then re-experience that time period, learning to accept myself then move on or forward.
I have no strength around the wrong people. Im caving in with fear. Im people pleasing. I have to learn a way of deflecting them as I go by them ( the people I don't like or respect). Im two face and codependent. I don't like you; please don't leave me!
I cant take any responsibility in relationships. Its all about them healing me or being with me as I heal. Its about the world revolves around me!.. What if they have children. No way! not in my condition. So, I cannot get into relationships unless someone is going to save me and take care of me and put me first as King baby!..
The more I look at this stuff, get honest and tell the world. The faster I get better. Im not looking for perfection. Im looking for a date. Im looking not to run away from a person I attract.
Im looking to stop the dissociations powerful band around my soul.
My defenses are way to strong. They are like iron gates. once they close, they cannot be opened. if they close on the wrong person, it does not matter. I cannot control it. An automatic start button gets triggered and I stand back helplessly as the other me destroys everything Ive build for the last several months or years.
Im working on the problem…
I was at a CR meeting...
I sat outside the meeting for awhile and took a break. As I was sitting, I noticed; I started thinking about love and those who have tried to love me. I immediate went into a violent rage. I leaped forward with the force of stress that comes from PTSD... What a strange thing that was. Not that strange. That is how I reacted to several people who have tried to love me. Now Im seeing this strange phenomena first hand. IF you truly love me. I hate you with full rage. violent rage. I completely understand. Im getting touched in the areas of being tortured. I understand. However, its such a strange thing, and completely uncontrollable. I will be going to the therapist to discuss it and a solution to work through it. At some point I will love again; the walls will come down. Im getting close.
Im asking God to sift me like wheat. To open up his conscious and allow me to see the full inventory of things; What was done to me, what I did to others. What I did to others is fascinating and sad and horrific. However, its interesting because I never saw half the stuff God is revealing to me. He is teaching me how to be a proper human once more.
The middle class:
They are so hard to deal with. They are a group of insulated people that play act to option parts. They must play parts because they have never earned the positions they lust for. Im not interested in social status, therefore, I end up a threat to those that want social status.
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DATE: May 09 2013, 11:00 pm / MOOD: Other
Slow moving blog...
I told the group again tonight about being single. And I find it strange and wield to hear a man say it! Im not getting into any relationships with anyone. Im staying single until I can work out this narcissistic torture chamber inside my soul and mind and nervous system. Its not as bad as it sounds.. its not as serious as it sounds… It is, Im much better then I used to be.
I will not get into a co dependent relationship based on the need for relief of these personal problems, that someone else act as a numbing drug and sooth me away.
I have low self esteem or worth issues. I attempt to cover these low areas with a false high area of alpha male shenanigans.
Why would I want a relationship who was attracted to someone with such imbalances as I have. I do not want to imagine the kind of person I would attract. That is not what I want to present to the world. I want to present the real me. However, I am empty inside. I spent the whole of my life trying to please others and getting no where. No matter what direction I tried I was purposefully cut off. I tried harder and harder until I become seriously mentally ill. I burned out at a young age and gave up. I ended up a cripple. I was then thrown away..
I need the torture self worked through, that I can bust through it, stop being or playing the victim. healed up, and heading in the right direction. Im getting closer. Im working on unlocking this lock every day.
Just had a ravishingly good time on my salsa Fargo 29r./ Road the reservoir and surrounding trails and country side. A mountain trail away from the mountain trial. I ripped it up as usual. For a guy 50, Im in prime shape. I have to watch for heart attack... Anyone 50 has to start thinking about stuff like this. You can push yourself over the edge if your in to good-a-shape. Ive been riding bike ( mountain bikes) every day for hours and hours for 12 years strait. You really get into mass shape; Competitive athletic shape. At-least I feel I am in great shape.
Ive been thinking about the girl from the meetings. Im past the 6 month mark. Im moving into the 7th month. I now have that strange feeling that I will truly never see her again. And I believe the ties have been severed with such a large open gash that we will never associate ever again. Its sad. Its liberating.
And this is causing great movement forward for my condition. Im starting to interact slowly with people. Im saying hello to women and not being afraid. Im saying hello to other people. Im learning to interact again slowly; with it comes the memories of rape, abandonment and self murder. This is the problem with recovery, to recovery I relive and see the past in-order to move through it. It is scary and painful.
I am the child of narcissists. And this is very important. And this is the missing link I never knew about. I did not know the name for it or for what it did to me. I was the product of retaliation of narcissist. In the end I turned into a narcissist to protect myself from narcissists. This destroyed and consumed my life into in human un feeling habitations.
A place in me is scorched. Tortured. It is this place, this sheath of my nervous system that is causing me to cry out and attack any thing that moves. This area is the dissociative area. One side of me seems logical. Its the other side that has been burned alive. And it makes perfect sense when I think about the narcissistic mother that destroyed me with no conscious. Her actions ran over me with no human regard or reason. I never had a name for this situation. I now know what to call it. Im working on the solution and Im slowly healing.
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Feel like I live here ( smile)!
DATE: May 08 2013, 11:10 pm / MOOD: Other
I feel like I live here. Thats OK for now. It wont go on for ever. Really grateful as Im sure others are, that I have a place to put my feelings; my anxiety feelings.
Dam blog list has been so slow lately, I had to write 14 blogs into one; 5 pages on the last blog.
I cannot tell the general public the things I write about on this blog site. Im on other blog sites and Im grateful for those as well. Those are Psych based as this is Psych based.
Greatest thing about blogs; no cross talking! No one gets to come in and interfere.. All they can do is get mad and leave. They cannot change what I have said. This is the truest direction for mental health.
-Boring! Im at a strange boring spot ( middle of the road)
Im doing allot of reading again. I haven't read in years. Im reading about narcissism. I am unraveling from narcissism.
Ive been praying about relationships. I think God is trying to tell me that Im not ready. Im still hurt, still damaged and still a victim. I have to get better to have relationships. This is a perfect unison from God. However, its a pain in the A__!
I cant be controlled or taken care of. I have to be healthy enough to take care of my self, possibly take care of the other person. I cannot make the other person my higher power. I cannot expect them to save me and make my life better. And that is exactly where Im at! I want them to make my life better. I no better then this. I can keep working in my recovery and make my own life better, then get into a relationship.
I need to be healthy enough to communicate with immediate intent.
I have contempt. It must go. I cant judge people and expect to date them. I either like them or I don't.
I cant hate someone because of contempt and then look at there good qualities; that is crazy. It would be better if I learned not to be triggered by them or there stuff. Its not all about me being saved by someone. I have to get over this. I do not need others to complete me! and this has been the major problem. And Ive met plenty of girls that want me to complete them!
The big push and the biggest change came from the girl at the meetings.. Ever since my break down, massive changes have been taking place in my mind. It is rearranging itself to handle the outside world. I know people can love me and want to be friends with me. I know that now. It has been proven. This has made all the difference to me. I trust more that I integrate into society with the hope of relating to others. I know others want to connect with me. Im not alone.
I will never see the girl from the meetings again. I know this! Its sad and I do grieve still. It haunts me. Im better. However, Im on a quest to let go of victimhood and get my confidence back..
It takes what it takes.
Its night time now!
Im feeling great anxiety. I feel it when I think of who I am and who the world is. We collide. I collide with the world. I always have. I needed to be well protected. I was not. I was thrown away. I almost died because of it. Im not what to make of the people that through me away. Evil. Yes, talking to God about them. God has made it clear I owe them nothing and should run as fast as possible in the other direction from the depth of evil these people represent. They are the worst of the bunch. Much like adult Hitler. He as they, are exceptionally bad examples of the human race.
Im attempting to heal from the forced scourge put upon me by these Godless vermin. Or, what ever they were. Its important to understand that I don't have to understand them or there motives. I need to make my peace and disappear. God shows me that they are a deep cavern of satanic influence; just another form of demonic presence. Im not suppose to waist my time on them.
Ive found narcissistic evil people think Im evil, and don't waist there time on me. Its sickening. Yet, Im the one on my knees to God all day long. I wonder how long God is going to allow me to be around these people. I am slowly getting stronger. They are loosing, I am winning. God is with me.
What I do not understand is: what has happened to the human race, what happened to general life and those that are suppose to practice it.
Im more in-touch with who I was as a boy; Christmas, Thanks giving.. Easter. Now, things have changed. The way I am treated. I am treated horribly by the people around me! Its better that I have no relationships with anyone. Nothing deep, nothing that others can use against me!
The anxiety comes when I attempt the idea of fitting into society. I am destroyed before I get started. The outside world is like a prison to me. I would rather not be here.
I have no status with people They are not aware or smart enough to give me status...
I have nowhere to speak. No where to express my story or desires. Im completely cut of by evil. If I attempt to express my feelings to others, they trample them under there feet, turn and tear me into pieces.
6 months ago, I walked over a girl, I hurt her. She was my friend. I had malice and contempt flying out of me. It was a mistake! It was a mistake to shoot this contempt in her direction. She was not my enemy. Yet, I could not control it.
My whole of existence and interests lies in fixing what I did, that I not be that same person in the future.
I committed a morally criminal act against an innocent person; I saw the fear, hopeless abandonment and pain I created. I scared someone for no reason.
Im fooling myself if I think any of these people are on my side. They are two faced. ALl of them. They have no real values. They have no God values. There liars. They are worthless. they are not with God. It is my problem at some-point if I think they are worth my time. I am the one spending time with them, they are not trying to spend time with me. I am a thorn in there side. God brought me around these people to get better that I not be alone. At some-point I will leave them and move on! They are filling a roll, nothing more. These people have contempt for me. They always have contempt for people like me. What I have to learn; get out of there when my business is finished. Do not associate with any of them. They are of satan... They are not of any real God... none of them... and they do not care.
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