Anxiety Self Help

DATE: May 03 2007, 1:32 am / MOOD: Disappointed

tornado warning. poetry project due tomorrw. it is worth a fourth of my semester grade. lots of thunder way off to the north. it is distant. where the coyotes steal rabbits in their holes, where the landscape refuses the gentle palm of the lower rio grande valley. it prefers the stale green cactus and red soil. i can still hear it growling. the flat land carries the sound for miles. it also carries the rain, the wind, but not my internet connection.damn. offline for an hour.

procrastination cannot afford me to lose an hour of work time, yet i linger on this god damn website, procrastinating once my connection returns.

procrastinating caused my all night homework stint tonight and many other nights. it has also caused me to lose out on getting financial aid this semester, applying to college and planning a future.
no.
it is fear that caused that one. i made up my mind today. skip college. at least a semester. intern at PETA, gain experience, fight for animals, do what i love. screw college and expectations.

maybe i say that because im scared to death of becoming an adult. i can still hear the clouds bellow.

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DATE: Apr 07 2007, 11:57 pm / MOOD: Other

I can see it my head now
clear and smooth as glass
a man yelling on the highway
he is drunk off of his ass
he is kicking at the tires now
of a new mercedes benz
screaming out to no one
words that don't make sense
and as i pull onto the shoulder
to see if i can help
he signals something awful,
tells me to go to hell
well, i'll pull over anway
He's begging to be saved
and i can't wait to be the one
to carry him away

"Salvation ain't so glamorous",
he sang in slow slurred tongue
"'cause Jesus didn't get no glory,
until he gave it up"

Everyday that i grow older
I'm growing wiser too
all my stories got their morals
except none of them are true
I've listened to some boys sing songs
they say without me they would die
well, all of them still have their voices
guess all they sing are lies.
Still, a man is the best company
a girl like me could ever have
because men don't care about character
and that's a thing i've always lacked
So, reluctantly, i sit on these rocks
locks of hair over each breast
my honeyed voice sings out to you
so you can finally rest

My mother always warned me
about the the dangers of men and strangers
i learned everone's a predator
precaution is my savior
so I watch my drink when i go out
and I always lock up tight
somtimes my mother's voice's so loud
i can't get to sleep at night
I even hear her preaching
to respect this temple of God
because it's the only body
any of us has got
so i just say no, or so i try,
i kept my flesh womb pure.
but still i compromise myself
i aint respectful, that's for sure.
I sing of things so dark and frightening,
the world outside is hell
but I wont ever mention
that hell has a home within myself.

I've heard some people say to me,
"cold hands, warm heart"
but they can't see reality
the fire's been long blown out.
In that feeble Bethlehem in my mind
a feeble child is born
I throw the infant in those flames
in attempt to keep my heart warm


for the past 18 years
and all my childhood
I've done nothing to define me
I don't know if I ever could
I guess i'm just a rain cloud
dark and shady, no real form
throwing lightening bolts and hail stones
I can't stand to be this storm

I suppose all I need is someone
to whisper what I know aint true
to sing me some painful song
bring me candy, pills, and booze
I just want to float above me,
beleive you when you say you love me,
fill myself with wine in  paper cups.
But I know i wont get no glory, until I give it up.

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DATE: Mar 14 2007, 10:32 pm / MOOD: Other

MARCELO "EL MAESTRO" ALONZO
WESLACO-Marcelo "El Maestro" Alonzo, 84, was surrounded by the glory of Christ and the love of his wife, children, grandchildren and family when he was called to the arms of our Heavenly Father.
His quest for a better life for his family led him to a multitude of jobs which included a singer, a boxer, a semi-pro basketball player, a baker, and a migrant worker. He found his calling as a master tailor whose remarkable workmanship dressed the finest clad men who shopped at Al Baskin (Joliet, IL), Michael's, and Levine's (Weslaco, TX).
His greatest joys in life were his wife and children. Marcelo had a great passion for life, and was a wonderful singer. He loved music, dancing, traveling, fishing, bowling, and could beat any "young buck" at pool.
He was preceded in death by his mother, Marcelina Landeros, brother, Blas Alonzo, and sister, Lucia Gonzalez.
Marcelo is survived by his wife of 66 years, Maria Guadalupe Alonzo; eight children, Eva (Mario) Aguirre, Maria (Francisco) Maldonado, Marilu (Carlos) Lara, Gloria (David) Silva, Olga (Albert) Casey, Adrian "El Tesoro"(Rosie Yanez) Alonzo, Grace Del Angel, Minne (Gamal) Contreras, and one brother, Pedro (Lupe Rico) Alonzo. He leaves a legacy of hard work, dedication to family, devotion to education, and a host of grandchildren (34), great-grandchildren (72), and great-great grandchildren (9), who will always love and cherish him.

 

today was his rosario and tomorrow we bury him. this has been harder than i thought it would be. today at his rosario, everyone (well not everyone, our family is really huge) got up and shared some memories. some were funny, some were sad, but i just started to realize how crazy my family is. we all are way too loud, we drink too much, dance too much, stay up too late, and we all get our zest for life from my abuelo marcelo.  i remember before he died this past christmas, he leaned over and told me in his best broken english, "whatever you want in life, just do it. and dont just do it halfway, do it all the way. i know that you can." then he started talking about being young and i didnt get it then, but now, i know what he was saying.  he did so many great things in his life. he sacrificed so much so that i could live in a free land with opportnities. i know that when i graduate he is going to be so proud from wherever he is. i know he beleived in me.

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DATE: Mar 12 2007, 2:45 pm / MOOD: Other

my abuelo died this morning. :[

i am glad i got to see him last night and give him a kiss. he was ready to go. that is a beautiful thing.  It's kind of exciting...death. it's this big mystery and now he is among those who know the secret.  he left behind so many people that love him. it was just sad to see him be in such pain. thankfully, he went in his sleep.

R.I.P. Marcello Alonzo

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DATE: Mar 09 2007, 8:41 pm / MOOD: Don't know

The sun has been asleep now
for about 4 hours straight
The clock is screaming, "midnight!"
and another wasted day
So it's time again to realize
the character I play
that misanthropic Cinderella
who's company you hate

I know I'm just a pumpkin now
tempus fugit, seize the day,
But I'll never let them get me
So inside I'll waste away

Unlace the ballgown carefully
so you can see my bones
It's the skin I show to everyone;
this corpse i call my home
It's rotting from the inside-out
from being all alone
with all the mice and memories
and that deafening dialtone

So when i tie up glass shoes
and that weight's too much to hold,
I'll leave this place, submit to fate
and my destiny'll be sold

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DATE: Feb 24 2007, 10:01 pm / MOOD: Other

in the mood section of this blog, there is no option for "anxious" what the hell is that?
anyway, tonight i am feeling WAYYY anxious. like, more than normal. about what you ask? who the hell knows. maybe it is the fact that i am about to graduate in 3 months and i am doing nothing to prepare. i havent gotten my liscense, i haven't gotten a car, it looks like i wont be moving out until im 40. i havent applied anywhere, community college seems to be my destiny, and i quit my job so i have no income, i am single, have no really close friends, all of my acquaintances are going off to college in a few months and i lack the social tact and/or balls to make new ones.
yeah, that's it.
not to mention the fact that monday my midterm paper is due , the science fair we are coordinating at the elementary i do my practicum at is monday, AND i have a huge test in economoics monday...then tuesday, the education department is presenting at a board meeting. eep
yeah, that's it.

my ribs hurt, i have a pain in my chest and my palms are sweaty and i really want a cigarette....
i've got a new pack, but no one to smoke them with. :[

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DATE: Feb 13 2007, 9:25 pm / MOOD: Happy

it's my birthday bitches! i love my birthday! i never get anything but i just feel all special. i felt super duper anxious in some good and bad ways today. i was excited and anticipating tomorrow(im going to see the broadway across america production of RENT) and also crazy overwhelming fear. fear of what? EVERYTHING!

guy in waiting in his car, picking his nails with a box cutter.
i watched him in complete fear and anxiety, anticipating either he may cut himself, or become crazed and hurl it at me through his open window. i wanted to walk somewhere but i was waiting for my ride.

i wanted to run over to the bakery across the street, but there were so many cars in and out for v-day that i was terrified one might charge right into me. even as i stood across the street i was thinking this. ay.


but over all, i had a great day! i got to skip class and hang out with the teachers in the library all day...and get an hour lunch...woohoo... i love education department inservices.


ANDDD!!! i have 70 bucks for my tattoooooo!

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DATE: Feb 02 2007, 10:19 pm / MOOD: Don't know

nominated THREE out of five categories for class favourites

queen, best dressed AND most beautiful!

i'm kind of confused...is this a cruel joke? are they going to pour pig's blood on me? cuz im vegan and i cant have that!
no one without a boyfriend has been nominated for queen, like....EVER! if someone elses boyfriend wins king, they are going to be maaad.

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DATE: Jan 23 2007, 11:40 pm / MOOD: Disappointed

 

so i've been getting these strange messages on myspace from this girl who "knows" him and is also best friends with my cousin maya. she says that i am so talented and beautiful and that she can never compare to me and that she thinks he still loves me and that he is really depressed all the time and that she just wants to help him, but feels she never can.
she is totally right about that. i tell her this. i tell her that i am a regular girl, she shouldnt compare herself to anyone, let alone me, and that he can never be saved because he wont save himself.

then it kind of dawned on me...all i did was try to save him and everytime he lied or hurt himself, or hurt me, i was more and more determined that i had to help him. that it was my responsibility. and it isnt. it's like going to therapy. it wont work unless you yourself are determined to make it work for you. and he wasnt.

then, sunday i get this text. he says:
"i really need you right now, im so confused and i dont know who i am or why im alive and i just cant stop thinking about you."

first i ask if he is ok....he says he is but needs to talk so i tell him that he confuses me about his feelings for me too much and that he cant keep calling me and telling me things like this. he says thats fine but he just needs to talk about some things with someone and that he trusts me more than anyone. i wish i could say the same for him.

he basically says he still loves me and that when he thinks about me it makes him sad that we are drifting apart and that we barely speak anymore...i ask him what he expects of me... basically, he made his bed and can't deal with laying in it.
 then, he finally owns up to what he did. he says:
"we both know what i did and i know im sorry doesnt even matter, but i want you to know that i am, in every way i can be sorry. i acted like nothing happened because i was only fooling myself."
but he fooled me too, didnt he?
i told him he is welcome to call if he ever needs my help or advice but telling me he still loves me is not going to change what he did. he says thats not what he calls.

so this girl who has been emailing me is his new girlfriend. he says she means nothing. then why is he with her?

im sorry really doesnt mean a thing to me now.

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DATE: Jan 13 2007, 11:25 am / MOOD: Disappointed

i think that today my blood is cement
i've been laying all day tangled up in a net
i think that i might climb out of this coffin
have a chat with the night;
we dont meet too often

i'll strap on red shoes, cover yellow feet
i'll reherse every move for the people i'll meet
i'll paint out each smile with that brush in my mind
i wont act like a child, im just one of their kind
the world is my stage. its an act, not a sham
but when they all turn the page
i wont know who i am

i'll just smear my black eyes, run out into the street
throw my hands way up high when i fall to my knees
i'll study the face of the stranger i see
she lives in that place where the curb meets the street
her wet eyes, they shine, in that puddle of water
with a frown just like mine
that begs to be bothered

but when i speak up, i don't know what to say
i dont think she gives a f@ck what i say anyway
so when a car passes, blurs into white lights,
and all of her splashes;
i feel like i've died

so i'll just let my ghost
walk all the way home
i should have just stayed
tangled up that way

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