Anxiety Self Help

DATE: Mar 29 2009, 4:14 pm / MOOD: Other

I can't stand how ugly I am. I try to just accept and be comfortable with the way that I look and once in a rare while for a tiny moment I'm okay with it but then I realize how awful I look. I hate taking pictures of myself but try to to be more comfortable with how I look. And then there are places on the internet where you put your pic up like facebook/myspace/here and dislike how if I possibly put one up and not the other, that that would mean a person would send me a message or be friendly or not. Not that I'm looking for one that will contribute to that but just uncomfortable with the whole situation and feel like even if someone is friendly, they wouldn't be if it were another pic of me.

And I took the pic on my profile now in a moment when I was feeling okay with how I look but now look at it and just cringe and can't believe I thought that one was tolerable. 

And I'm back to growing my beard. I used to hate beards and would have never thought of growing one but last year, my girlfriend at the time mentioned that she was curious what I would look like with a beard, I didn't do it because of her but was curious to begin with, I had been thinking of doing it just to see how funny it would look but I liked it, mostly because it covers up my face and I hope my awkward facial expressions. I had the beard for like nine months or something, shaved it, but grew it back a couple months later because it feels more comfortable having one to cover up my face in a way, but in a way I think it does look nice regardless too sometimes. But I hate what people probably think of me with a beard, they probably think I'm like more manly, lol or something. 

And on top of all of that, I really just wish I could look cute. I love things that are cute, people that are cute and hate how I am the exact opposite of cute in every way. I'm tired of complaining about this, I am even more depressed now about this. 

 

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DATE: Dec 16 2007, 12:08 am / MOOD: Disappointed

I'm not feeling well. Today is the first day of my Christmas break from school and it has been a nice day until the last few hours I've just gotten depressed for some reason. There are four weeks of the break until school starts and it's just going to be me stuck in my house by myself the whole time pretty much. And the person who said she wanted to hang out over Christmas break, she sent me a message which was nice but it was about having a nice break, I think she changed her mind about wanting to hang out with me. And I'm still uncomfortable about the person I met last week about starting a collective in the area, I don't think she likes me and will probably not want to continue doing it. 

And I was going to get a little drunk tonight and have fun but I know I would just end up being more depressed so I'm not doing that.

Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow.  

  

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DATE: Dec 11 2007, 1:42 am / MOOD: Mellow

It is exam week and I had one exam today already and it was okay. I also had a test for my theatre's fraternity thing and I passed it and am now in the fraternity I suppose. With exams, I am mostly just worried about my stage lighting test Friday. That class is difficult with the tests.

I have been worrying so much about my theatre teacher having a problem with me but all of a sudden last Thursday or Friday she became nice all of a sudden again. It's weird how it goes back and forth. She has been so friendly though which is nice. She showed me how to sew a rip in my costume and is giving me a sewing machine. She also gave me some designs to make a purse and kimono. And she invited me and a few of the people who worked a lot in the theatre out to a chinese restaurant for Thursday. And a couple days ago, I was in the green room and she like put her hand on my back in a friendly-ish way and said hello. Lol, it was just odd or something.

In the last few weeks it seems like so many people are being like friendly to me and stuff. People at school and else where a bit. One person from school who is always friendly a little and we make small talk added me on facebook and yesterday she said we should hang out sometime over Christmas break and how she thinks I'm interesting or something. It's really nice that she wants to be like friends but I'm worried about it since I don't like hang out with people usually. I haven't since last summer.

Also, I have been looking for people interested in starting a collective of some sort and one person contacted me about it and we are meeting tomorrow. I'm a bit stressed about that. And then today another person emailed me about it. I hope good things come from it.

I also had a really good Friday. I'm still excited about it. There was a lot of snow and me and some people at school had a snowball fight which was fun and we went on the roof of the building and made a snowperson. It was such a fun day. The last four days or so have been really fun. I'm almost expecting something really bad to happen because of how nice things have been. That's usually what happens, lol.  

 

 

 

 

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DATE: Dec 04 2007, 10:44 pm / MOOD: Other

Today in the theatre, I did a bunch of work while the two people that my teacher favors, didn't come in until really late, did about five minutes of work and because she wasn't there, spent two hours working on their d&d type characters. And I found out that two people who came in to the theatre Friday and my teacher had them help her with lights, while I just sat there because she did not say a word to me the whole time. She gave them extra credit for being there, showed them how to set cues, and is giving them more extra credit for when they show others how to set cues. It is so unbearable having to be in the theatre department now. And the only way I know if anything needs to be done is if I overhear her telling someone else what needs to be done because she just won't say a word to me anymore. This person is so unbelievably ignorant and I know she is going to give me a lousy grade because she wants to believe that I'm not doing much. Even though everyone else notices and is always talking about how much I do there. And this teacher complains about how no one comes in to work and I'm the only one who does actually show up and she is just being really alienating and I feel so unwelcome and uncomfortable there. I can't believe a teacher can behave like this. I am probably not even going to help in the theatre next semester and just be busy with my classes, and of course this teacher will interpret that to mean that I just don't want to put any work into learning things in the theatre department, like she does with everyone else.

It's been more than three weeks now in which this teacher has hardly said a word to me, other than when she wanted something and instead of just asking me to get something, she blew up at me and was like "frost gel!!!!!" She wanted a frost gel and instead of just asking if I could get her one, asked like that. What an asshole.

I really have no clue why she has a problem with me, last year she seemed to and it would go back and forth with her being friendly one day, and the next being really ignorant. So many times when she is around me, she looks like she just has so much contempt and hate for me but is trying to not like blow up at me or something. It really makes no sense at all. I've noticed that she is really ignorant with other students and for a while she was always friendly with me but I was always worried about that because it felt like she was very subjective with how she perceives people and could just as easily write me off, and now she has and it's so uncomfortable being there. 

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DATE: Dec 03 2007, 4:20 pm / MOOD: Mellow

Today we had the first play. I wasn't even nervous really at all. Being totally covered up with a huge wig and beard really help and that I have no lines, lol. I haven't even been worrying about it either which was surprising but thought that maybe today they would happen but they didn't. The audience being made up of mostly children is also probably a big reason why I wasn't that uncomfortable too. Older people I'm more uncomfortable with probably, lol.   

It was nice though and really fun.   

 

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DATE: Nov 28 2007, 10:11 pm / MOOD: Other

Tonight my theatre fraternity had a Christmas party. It was pretty good except I got really uncomfortable when we exchanged gifts but I was kind of expecting it to be that way, lol. I'm always so uncomfortable when people open gifts from me or me opening gifts in front of others.

I"m feeling pretty good today. The only thing that is making me not feel that good is someone who started chatting online with me a lot and we seemed to be becoming friends but then we added each other on myspace and then they stopped talking to me as much as before. They were every day and it's only been once since last week. I'm wondering if it's because I mention having social anxiety listed on my page, not sure what else it could be that would have someone totally changing their mind about me. I don't know. I just feel kind of not well because of it. I feel like I need to have social anxiety stamped on my forehead or something, lol, just in case if anyone has a problem with it, they won't bother to be friendly to me in the first place.

Of course it might not even be about that.

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DATE: Nov 27 2007, 9:02 pm / MOOD: Other

Today was a nice day. I usually just write depressing stuff in here but there are good days, lol. It doesn't help that I have an lj and usually post in here when I'm just not feeling well at all about my avoidant personality/social anxiety stuff.

The theatre department was pretty fun today. Working on things and goofing around a little with people is so nice. I'm looking forward to the end of the semester because the theatre department seems to be nice close to Christmas.

I just woke up from a little nap, I've been having trouble sleeping lately. I hope I can get to sleep tonight. I forgot to pick up some valerian pills at the grocery store tonight.

:O) 

 

 

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DATE: Nov 26 2007, 9:06 pm / MOOD: Sad

Today has been a difficult day. I didn't get much sleep last night and today I kept getting annoying people who have a problem with me constantly trying to find an opportunity to show I'm not doing something right.

Having social anxiety and having to deal with this theatre department at my school is such a struggle. There are people who have something against me and I have no clue why other than because of the shallow assumptions they seem to think of someone that they don't know at all. One person is a bit older than most people at school and it seems like he believes that he knows how to do everything and that everyone else is wrong. He watches what people do just trying to find something wrong with it and when there isn't, he still just finds something, lol. Today he thought that I cut this one thing so he was telling me about how it was wrong because he thought I did it, No one can tolerate this person and he is incapable to work with because of his arrogance and there is no reason for him to be since a lot of the time, he is misusing tools, not making things how the scene designer wants them to be. 

Then later before rehearsal was to start, I asked the stage manager about something and she told me to do it a particular way. Afterwards the director told me I shouldn't do it that way. This stage manager is so lousy, missing cues, treating people like garbage, I plan on just walking out if she tells any of us to get our "asses" out onto the stage before rehearsal starts. Today they decided to change what curtains are to be raised and lowered but didn't tell me about it until right when it was happening, I was above the stage where the pin rail is and there is no talking backstage so it wasn't clear what they wanted.

Because of how there are so many petty opportunists when it comes to finding anything wrong with what you do makes me feel like I have to do everything perfect and I do because I don't want someone to give me crap for something. It makes you kind of a good worker in a way but it's depressing that you have to put more into things than others because people have a problem with you.

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DATE: Nov 25 2007, 11:28 pm / MOOD: Don't know

I am in a play, again. Haha, I keep getting sucked in to do some minor part. The first time was okay because I thought it would help a little with my shyness and they needed people. This time they need people to play as townspeople and I am going to be totally covered up with a big wig and huge beard thing which is nice. The first play, I wore a mask, lol. But tonight the director told me that I should sit down on this one step thing on the stage and shake my cup for like change from the others and I'm a bit awkward and uncomfortable with having to sit down and stuff. I hope it's okay. It was bad enough a few weeks ago when I was told to lay down on the ground in the last scene but I am more comfortable with it now.

I need to stop getting put in plays, lol.

And in other news, I'm wondering if I am starting to get rid of my social anxiety in a way, it feels like I am becoming more comfortable with things. But at the same time I am becoming more aware of how I have avoidant personality disorder kind of badly, but in some ways it seems like maybe I don't, I don't know.

I am working on trying to not feel so inhibited all the time when I'm around people. It is so annoying that I am uncomfortable around people. It has to do with feeling like people are judging me all the time and just make me feel not good but I shouldn't let people bother me one way or the other. I'm tired of this stuff.  

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DATE: Nov 13 2007, 10:59 pm / MOOD: Lonely

I'm tired of bothering with people. I think I would rather have it like how it was before the last year or so when no one said a word to me and I didn't have to deal with meeting new people and them being friendly just for a really short time until they change their mind about me and don't like me.

And there really is no reason to bother with people since even when you do become really good friends with someone and hang out every single day and stuff, and they just drop you too. It's just as bad when it's someone you were seeing for a while but they just couldn't tolerate your anxiety problems and totally ignore them and loathe you.

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