Anxiety

DATE: Jul 20 2007, 10:53 pm / MOOD: Happy

So after an illness that cost me four years, and a late development of being able to have a relationship, I went on a date.

I never met this person before, but talked to him all the time. This was our first meet. Yeah, I was nervous. But it was a happy nervous, SA had little to do with any of my night.

We had a little bit of physical contact, and both agreed it was good to see eachother, even if we just saw a movie.

This means little to most people. But this is a huge hurl in my recovery process. Needless to say, atleast I made my therapist proud.

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DATE: Jul 13 2007, 9:18 pm / MOOD: Angry

Alright, I'm more than a bit frustrated.

It started ever since I was 2 days old, sleeping 12 hours a day. Then when I'm 17 I get this head/heart condition, Neurocardiogenic Syncope. Or also called chronic vasovagal. Thats where i can't stand for more than 15 minutes, or my heart stops and I faint. If I put my hands over my head and stand it can take 7 minutes to faint. And then at age 18 I get this sleeping problem, having to sleep 12 hours a night but then during the day, at any time, I will suddenly and unexpectedly fall asleep. When I do that I usually have to sleep for two hours. When I wake up I feel just as energized as I felt before I fell asleep. If I don't get to sleep, or if someone wakes up during my sleep I get syncope, dissociation, shakiness, weakness, especially in legs, and very very lethargic.

I've seen a Resperatory Therapist (my Asthma is doing pretty good), a Cardiologist (skipped beats and some irregularities, but thats pretty normal they say) and a Neurologist (who diagnosed me with Vertigo). Ive had MRI's, EEG's, ENG's, Echo Cardiogram, X-Rays, and countless blood and urine tets. Not to mention the few hundred primary care visits.

It's a mystery to what happens to me. Everything comes back normal. I think some doctors think Im faking it. But it's quite obvious when I fall asleep at the wheel.

The most annoying part, aside of asshole doctors who think im faking it and not being able to diagnose, when they learn I'm mentally ill they chalk it all up to anxiety, and medications. That really urks me.

In fact, it all urks me. The only diagnosis they came up with is MS, and my MRI always comes back normal. So they veto'ed that idea. I'm starting to get tired of all this. Ha! Tired

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DATE: Jun 25 2007, 2:27 pm / MOOD: Don't know

So this morning I got up at an unusual time (around 9AM), and started to get ready for my doctors (psychiatrists) appointment around 11:15AM.

I get there, doing fine. In a good mood. The doctor had to step out so I'm waiting for about 20 minutes, still good mood (exept someone was playing with their phone and it was annoying me, not a good sign).

Doctor calls me in, and as usual, I sit in the same chair as I always do, refusing eye contact (not abnormal). I'm still doing okay.

But then, in the end of the session he starts talking to me about me finding reasons why I can't do small, simple things (go to the store, take a shower, clean my room). This didnt really piss me off, but something did! Because I became pissed. It started the first time the session was interrupted for another client. Then it got deeper when it happened again with another.

What I think, is that I felt inefficient. By all means, I was NOT this high functioning even a year ago. But now everything I do my doctor calls "high functioning". This doesn't bother me unless a person, like a psychiatrist, who is suppossed to help you is dropping you like a hot potatoe because there are people in lower positions. Even the clerk, when leaving, asked me to sit down and close the door.

Fine! I get it, people need his help more than I do. No problem, it makes sense! But am I any less than they are? Because I'm getting better? Do you want me to cut myself or become actively psychotic for you to be a psychiatrist for me?

I think that's what pissed me off. I left, slammed the door behind me. I wish both my psychiatrist and clerk could see my hissy fit. I was being a baby, and still am.

I'm just in that position right now, too "high functioning" for the "lower" and too "low functioning" for the "normal". This sucks. See, still in a hissy fit. Im such a jerk.

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DATE: Jun 14 2007, 3:56 pm / MOOD: Other

Today I am so S I C K. Not like mentally, but physically. My throat hurts and I am COMPLETELY congested. Im MISERABLE. As for mentally sick, I'm doing pretty well. This cold is preoccupying my anxiety, and plus I've just been in bed sleeping all day, which helps the social anxiety.

I saw my counselor today. When I woke up it was too bright, I had a congested headahe, but I still wanted to go...so I did. I talked a lot. Talked about my brother and sister-in-law and how much they dont like me. We talked about talking, how I'm all over the place, but learned not to babble about one thing. I learned how to use facial gestures as cues. He says K U D O S for me.

Going to Florida this weekend. Tomorrow late-afternoon actually. First we're going to J-ville, home sweet second home. Then its off to Interlachen to return my uncles car. My mother is staying in Jax for the week, because we have to pick up my grandfather for next weekend anyway. So I get to drive my car all the way to Florida, alone. Anxiety! But excited.

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DATE: Jun 09 2007, 10:19 pm / MOOD: Other

I feel pretty good riht now. Considering I haven't taken my ADHD meds in a week and a half and quit caffeine (which calms me down) I'm pretty uppedy. Hah, uppedy.

Anyway, I saw my counselor on friday. friday? or thursday. whichever. I had a narcoleptic attack again. I hate when those happen in his office. Its hard to pay attention to him, and be there for the reasons why I'm there.

I see my psychiatrist at the end of june. he might switch me from provigil to adderall. i never had adderall, only concerta and proviil. so well see about that when it comes. and he might take me off wellbutrin. because it looks like im having seizures (simple partials), and wellbutrin could be contributing to that.

At my appt. in end of june im asking about learning disorders. because i fit the discalculalia profile to a T, and might have dysgraphia because of disorganized in schizophrenia. the dysgraphis is no bi thing. i just need to take a tape recorder to class instead of witing my notes...that i can never read. but discalculalia would explain me perfectly, and ANYTHING that could help me learn how to read a clock, read a tape measure/ruler and remember my multiplication tables, and number sequences would be perfect!

but passed that...i forgot.

and thats what i said, so...shut up.

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