Anxiety

DATE: May 18 2008, 9:55 pm / MOOD: Disappointed

i have this problem i suck at first dates even if i know the girl pretty well. we could get along great before that, but when the first date  comes no matter how much i prepare it goes to sh*te. last night i had a date with a girl who i met online who also live 3 blocks from me. we met online and hit it of great we joked and flirted. so we decided to do something together. we decided on going to this little cafe and rent some movies and go back to her place. i was nervous because i knew what she looked like but she didn't know what i looked like. so i walked to her place ( we decided to walk earlier ). took her to the cafe. i was felling nervous thats normal and it started all right, but as the night wore on my anxiety just got worse. ur typical mind leaves body so u go blank and get clumsy, it didnt help that the movies we rented sucked. it ended when her friend called and was at the bar and was to drunk to drive home. so she had to leave. the worst part was though at the end i saw her walk into the kitchen i was getting ready to leave and waited for her to come out of the kitchen. i had forgot that the side door was in the kitchen she was waiting for me out side while i was waiting for to come out of the kitchen. i really dont know how long the time was it could have been 30 seconds or 5 min i dont know. it wasnt really a bad date and its not like she was blowing me off it just i always seem to have bad first dates. no matter what the situation i just freeze i know its normal to be nervous but i go to a different level. this is actually one of my better first dates. 

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DATE: May 02 2008, 5:16 am / MOOD: Don\'t know

recently i joined myspace and yahoo 360 trying to meet people. dont know if it will work ive heard things about the chat room at myspace and yahoo it seems that all u do is add people to friends and thats it. im sure theres more ive just not figured it out yet.

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DATE: Apr 18 2008, 3:51 am / MOOD: Don\'t know

i just joined this group and actually had my first online chat ever the other day and it made me feel good. then i happened to mention it to my mother as soon that i joined a online social anxiety group she just rolled her eyes and gave me this look like i was a freak. shouldn't surprise me she thinks i'm an embarrassment  any way both my parents do. the f@ck up thing is they don't even know me. i pretty much dropped them when is was 19 saw them once or twice a year. hell i was suicidal or numb all thru college they didn't even care. they told me to get over it then proceeded to make me feel even more worthless it almost like they want to punish me for there worthless lives. the even lie to my sibling to make me look bad. they even try to lie to me about things they done to me things i saw. they like to use my condition against me. i done a lot of great things in my life but they don't want to hear about that. they rather throw my failures in my face. well at least i try and if they gave a damn they would realize i succeeded more than they would have in my position. hell ive succeeded more than they have any way. why do i still feel like i need her approval. 

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