Anxiety

DATE: Jul 20 2010, 1:49 pm / MOOD: Mellow

After a week of emotional turmoil and deep introspection I have concluded that I am not to blame for the recent ending of a deeply meaningful relationship to me. I cannot be held responsible for the unexplainable, hurtful, insensitive, immature actions of others.



I've done my very best in past relationships and i cannot be held responsible for the ending of those relationships when they have not ended at my choosing or anything I have done wrongly. I have given the very best of myself and while I may not be perfect (honestly who is?) I tried to make it everything as special and wonderful as it could be and to make us both happy. That is all that I can ask of myself and all that others can ask of me.



I must learn to be kinder to myself, to love myself and not allow the hurtful actions of others to bring destruction upon me from within. I must be happy and proud to be who I am as anyone who has had the pleasure of knowing me deeply have felt my kindess, my love  and genorosity, enjoyed my sharp wit, intelligence and enjoyed my sense of fun and my eccentricities.



Like anyone I have made mistakes in the past that I deeply regret and will continue to make them sometimes, but I will always do my best to apologise and make ammends for these.



Ultimately though as flawed as I may be I am a good person deserving of happiness, love and all the joys that life can bring and this I must remember and keep in mind always.

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DATE: Jan 15 2010, 5:41 am / MOOD: Excited

I began a counselling course today as I continue to explore what kind of career I wish to pursue in the future. The skills that I learn on the course could be really helpful to me in my volunteer work with people suffering from mental illness and could be very useful skills to have on a personal level too.



I met some really friendly, interesting people, who are very passionate about the course subject. I felt nervous at first, especially when I made my personal introduction and was pretty quiet throughout. However I hope to open up and become more outgoing in the group as the weeks go by.



I left the first lesson feeling really optimistic about the course and I think I'll really enjoy it and maybe even make some friends in the process.

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DATE: Sep 10 2009, 4:40 am / MOOD: Happy

Yesterday I attended my second day at my new volunteer job helping out at a day centre for the mentally ill. I had a little activity planned for those that wished to to take part in - it was an art activity involving sculpting wax into candles. I bought some wax in a variety of colours online that could be manipulated and sculpted simply by using your hands. Lots of people took part in the activity, both fellow volunteers and service users, and everyone seemed to enjoy it thoroughly. One person even said that they found the activity very therapeutic. Everyone managed to make their own candle of various shapes and styles and got to take them home at the end of the day once the wax had set.



I was very happy with how my first activity went and plan to do more in future, involving art and perhaps some focusing on educating people on mental illness and the help available to those suffering from it.



I'll update again as soon as anything interesting happens. Until then, thank you for reading and take care.

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DATE: Sep 06 2009, 5:27 pm / MOOD: Full of life

I began a new volunteer today. I'm still volunteering in helping to recycle computers, but I've decided to take on another job to better help me decide what career path to take in future. Today I began volunteering at a mental health day centre; talking to clients and helping with activities and refreshments.



I had a good first day. I talked with people more than usual and made as much effort as I could to be hepful while I was there. I helped an old lady to play bingo and she won a prize. It's not much, but little things like that can really help to brighten up peoples lives.



I've been given the opportunity to arrange my own activity for the clients there the next time I go. I'm not yet sure what I'll do, but perhaps I'll do arrange an art activity, arrange a game or I was thinking of giving a talk on mental health issues.



Oh well hopefully I'll think of something, but I'm really enjoying the challenge of volunteering in a completely different working environment and hope that I'll learn a lot from the experience and further develop as a person. 

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DATE: Sep 06 2009, 5:26 pm / MOOD: Full of life

Between the 16th and 20th of July I was fortunate enough to be attending my very first music festival.  Not only was it my first festival experience, but the first time that I've witnessed live music since I was a child. As a direct result of suffering from anxiety for much of my life my opportunities for experiencing such things has been limited due to my unwillingness to socialise and sometimes to leave the house at all. Although thankfully in recent years I've gradually become more able to leave the house and socialise with the help of friends and family.



A dear friend of mine thoughtfully invited me to go to the Latitude festival (a music and arts festival held annually in the south-east of England) and while I was anxious about the prospect of attending such a crowded event and socialising with people I've never before met I was too excited at the prospect attending the festival to allow these anxieties to get in the way of my wishes to attend the festival.



I found the festival to be an utterly wondrous experience where I got to see many of my musical and comedy heroes perform in the flesh.  I saw Thom Yorke, Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds, Bat for Lashes, Editors, Fever Ray, Ladyhawke and many more perform live and for the first time understood what all the fuss was about witnessing music played live. The sound is utterly amazing; so strong and loud that you can actually feel the ground shake with the beats and can hear the music from far away. That and the spectacle of seeing the artists perform on stage in front of your very eyes make the experience all the more enjoyable. Also for the first time I experienced what is was like to dance and sing along in public with other music lovers and while my dancing and singing may have been of a questionable quality, it was a lot of fun to do anyway.



I was even brave enough to do a wee bit of cross dressing in public too, as music festivals are attended by many open-minded people and many people dress flamboyantly anyway I felt comfortable enough to do so at the festival and I really loved the feeling of expressing myself in that way in public and the way it made people smile to see me doing so. Strolling about the festival in a dress my friend leant me, fishnet stockings and gothy make-up.



I also made some new friends while I was there and while I was my usual quiet self a lot of the time I still managed to socialise without feeling too anxious and was able to express myself and let people see the real me that my anxiety often hides beneath a veil of nervousness.



I had an utterly lovely time at the festival and would like to thank my friend Catherine, Andrea, Joe, Leah and Ruth for helping me to enjoy such a wondrous experience.

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DATE: Jan 07 2009, 10:49 am / MOOD: Full of life

Well we're a week into 2009 and all is going well so far. I'm continuing with art therapy and making good progress according to my therapist. I may be moved into another therapy group soon focusing more on talking therapy which I feel would be very beneficial to me as I do still suffer quite severely with social anxiety, although my symptoms of depression and OCD have both decreased thanks to an increase in my medication and positive life changes.



I have an appointment to attend another one-on-one work focused therapy session tomorrow. I attended one towards the end of December last year and was left very impressed by the counsellor I saw. She was very friendly, enthusiastic and knowledgeable with regards to mental illness and I'm confident that once my therapy sessions with her are complete I will be more ready for work than I was to begin with, if not ready to begin soon after.



I'm much happier in my own skin than I have been for many years and I'm finally beginning to realise that despite my issues I'm still capable of being a very positive influence in the lives of others and that I do indeed have a future in this world after many years of wishing that I wasn't here at all.



I've met new friends and connected with others on an emotional level that I never thought possible before, and with this I'm able to better understand myself and who I truly am as a person.



That's all for now peeps, I'll update again as soon as something remotely significant happens. Bye for now.  *waves cheerfully with purple and pink glitter nail polish painted on his fingers*

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DATE: Dec 31 2008, 12:29 pm / MOOD: Happy

Well it has been an eventful year now hasn't it? Not everything's gone to plan however I've made a lot of positive progress and discovered many things I never knew about myself thanks to new friends, family and the care and support of mental health professionals.

I'm much more confident in myself than I have been for a very long time now and while I still have a lot of new challenges ahead of me this year I feel much happier in life and in myself than I did this time last year.

I've attended an art therapy group since the spring, began attending a mental health day centre, started a volunteer job recycling computers and applied to become a volunteer befriender to people with mental illnesses in Redditch and Bromsgrove. I've also began to express myself more freely by dying my hair, painting my nails, wearing make-up, wearing gothy clothes and even wearing women's clothing on occasion. :-o All of these things have helped me to discover a lot about myself and helped me to develop better as a person to becoming who I eventually want to be - an independent, confident, empathic, socially active, considerate and loving man.

I have a lot of new challenges ahead of me this year; going back to college, getting into full-time employment, further developing my social skills and continuing to recover from depression, anxiety and OCD. But these are challenges I'm looking forward to rather than dreading as I have in the past.

I dearly hope that all of your dreams are fulfilled in 2009. Happy new year everyone. :-)

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DATE: Dec 06 2008, 11:49 am / MOOD: Happy

I've had quite an eventful and progressive week. Firstly I attended an appointment to see my psychiatrist in which the dosage of my anti-depressant medication (which is also used to treat symptoms of anxiety and OCD) was doubled which will hopefully alleviate some of the depressive and obsessive compulsive symptoms I've been experiencing recently. I was also referred to a mental health day centre in my town and I was also referred for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. Both of which are very positive developments which will hopefully help me along with my recovery.

Also this week I travelled to Birmingham to attend an anxiety support group facilitated by the mental health charity Mind. It was a small group with only two other people which made it all the easier to cope with. During the first session we were taught about the causes and effects of anxiety and various different ways in which to cope with it when it occurs. I found the first session very helpful to me in my battle against anxiety and I have every intention of attending the further 5 sessions which occur every two weeks.

Also I received an appointment this week for work focused counselling which I hope will help me to find a new job and make the most of my potential. My first appointment is a week next Wednesday. I'll let you all know how it goes.

That's all for now, I'll keep you informed of any further happenings in my life. Until then, bye bye for now.

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DATE: Nov 21 2008, 1:15 pm / MOOD: Lonely

Well it has been a while since I blogged anything of any real significance isn't it? I don't know whether this counts at all but anyway.....

On Thursday this week I decided to take a little break from my now becoming horribly tedious volunteer job sanitising hard drives at a computer recycling company to take a little trip to the city of Birmingham to meet up with young persons group setup by the mental health charity Mind. It was a thoroughly anxiety-ridden day truth be told, but it was nice to make a change to my weekly routine and meet up with some people around my age similarly affected by mental illness. The people organising and overseeing the running of the group were nice and friendly and both seemed to have a very good understanding of mental illness. I was predictably shy but more than happy to converse with people if they talked to me first. Although I had little time to chat with the other members of the social group as we went to see a movie and talking in the cinema does tend to be generally frowned upon. Anyway I did manage to talk to a one of the other guys attending the group and he seemed nice.   The group meets up every month in Birmingham and I'll be going again next month when we'll be meeting up for a Christmas meal.

While I was in Birmingham I was told about an anxiety support group based in Birmingham that I could attend on a Thursday. It's a bit far to travel for a support group. But I might be interested in attending if it'll give me the chance to meet other people with anxiety problems and work at better overcoming my own social anxiety issues.

Finally I've decided that at the start of the next academic year I'm going back to college. I don't yet know exactly what I'm going to study but I think I have it narrowed down to three possibilities; IT perhaps something to do with networking to add to my existing IT qualifications, counselling - I've thought ir a lot and I think I'd be really happy pursuing a career in counselling as I do enjoy helping people with their emotional problems and offering advice. If I can overcome my social anxiety and become more confident in myself I think I could be a really good counsellor one day. Lastly I've been thinking about a career in caring for the elderly or people with mental health problems or oher disabilities. So going to college to study to be a carer is something I've considered.

Well that's all for now. I'll be sure to keep you all updated on the dull non-happening in my life whenever I feel the urge.

Oh and one last thing you may have noticed that I've taken up cross dressing recently.   I enjoy it immensely as a entirely private hobby however I still mostly dress as a boring old blokey type, albeit a gothy looking one with black hair and nails varnish these days.

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DATE: Jun 15 2008, 6:09 am / MOOD: Sad

Surely I can't be the only one in the position; completely socially isolated, no people in my life that I can call friends and practically housebound due to anxiety for the vast majority of the time.

How does anyone else cope with this level of isolation and confinement? How do you cope with the loneliness, the boredom, the almost hopeless feeling that nothing will ever change for the better?

Any comments from people in the same position and those that can relate will be very much appreciated. As after years in this situation I'm struggling to tolerate it at the moment.

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