Anxiety

DATE: Dec 15 2008, 1:28 pm / MOOD: Fearful

We held a party at our flat on Saturday. The house was filled with people, and even though they were my friends, I still felt scared. I drank I don't know how much, at least one bottle of wine, and then the better part of a litre of vodka. I don't remember much of anything. While everyone was downstairs sleeping, I ended up in my bedroom with a male friend, and a kiss led to more, and then even more. I don't know how far it went. I don't even have feelings for this person, and I'm definitely in love with Craig. It's not even a question of my feelings for him... It's more about my feelings for myself and the ways I cope with alcohol and men.

It's not the first time I've been drunk, got upset, then used my body in gratitude.

For the record, Craig knows. I told him last night. He cried with his head in his hands, but told me he loves me and wants us to stay together.

I'm so lucky. But I also need to change. I'm going to throw out all the alcohol in the flat, and cut ties with the people I don't trust.

I didn't think this journey would become more complicated.

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DATE: Dec 01 2008, 12:26 pm / MOOD: Sad

Every time something bad happens, this is where I turn. Often I don't write or update or even comment on other profiles; I just sit and know that the lifeline is there, that I'm not alone, and somehow that's enough.

Craig is in trouble at work because of the amount of time he's taken off to look after me at my worst. The guilt I feel is overwhelming, but I have to be strong for him. He's doing what he loves, and it means everything to him, and it's all at risk because of me and this illness.

I can't stand this anymore. I'm just a nuisance to him.

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DATE: Nov 23 2008, 1:11 pm / MOOD: Mellow

I am twenty-three  today. My man is currently decorating my cake (a cat-shaped buttercake creation, obviously). He bought me perfume and antique jewellery, and a DVD and a book and socks; pretty much all the things I love. I'm feeling good today. I have everything good around me, my Craig and my kittens, and a strange sense of calm that I haven't felt in god knows how long.

I want to bottle this feeling and keep it for darker times, but for now I'm just going to appreciate it and have a happy birthday.

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DATE: Nov 18 2008, 3:05 pm / MOOD: Lonely

I had a panic attack in the medical centre today. My dose has been increased, it's at its maximum. Craig is still in the States, and I miss him horribly. I just don't have any energy or motivation. He is the glittery star in my life right now and everything feels so pointless and dark without him.

I've actually been thinking about breaking things off. Not because I don't love him, I really do, more than anything in the world, more than I could ever have imagined before, but I feel like a huge burden to him and the guilt of that is killing me. And worrying about me is killing him.

I just don't know.

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DATE: Nov 04 2008, 7:23 pm / MOOD: Excited

I am doing a lot better. Thank you so much for all the kind words of support. I have a wonderful network of people, both here and in real life. I've re-established contact with an old friend, and my best friend has a new girlfriend, and my boyfriend and I have been talking about getting engaged. Everything is okay, even if sometimes my head doesn't let me think so.

As for tonight, I hope Americans make the right decision. I envy you for having this election, and this chance to make change and history.

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DATE: Nov 03 2008, 5:08 pm / MOOD: Fearful

I tried to hang myself last night. My boyfriend found me passed out in the bathroom, a belt round my neck. I'm glad I didn't succeed, I don't want to die. I don't know what happened. I just remember being scared, then waking up to his crying and an awful pain in my throat.

That's all I can say.

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DATE: Oct 26 2008, 3:55 pm / MOOD: Frustrated

I've just had the most amazing sex with my boyfriend. The loving, gentle kind, with lots of face stroking and neck kissing. This is a big deal, as both my meds and general feeling have left my libido virtually non-existent.



But, I've also just found out that my ex spent the night with someone last night. This is an ex that I was with for five years, but who I haven't been with for two. I don't know why it bothers me... We're the best of friends, and there's nothing there anymore other than a deeper-than-normal knowledge of the other. There's no spark, and while I know he's attractive, I don't feel it anymore. But nevertheless, when he was talking to me on the phone about her I felt a pang of annoyance. 

He hasn't really been with anyone since me. He's slept with girls, but this time it seems as though it could go somewhere.

I guess one of the things that might be bothering me is that she's undeniably better looking than I am. Is that really shallow?

It could also be that I'm scared that if he enters a relationship his new girlfriend won't be accepting of his friendship with me. Craig is fine with it, he knows us both so well, in fact knew us while we were together. But I know that our situation isn't normal and that it'd take a special person to be okay with it.

I don't know.



I hate that I'm writing this. I hate myself for feeling this way, and putting it here, where everyone has more important things to worry about. And I do too, of course I do. I can't sleep because of some intangible fear, I can hardly ever leave the house. I don't know why I'm putting my energy in to something that's ultimately irrelevant.



And I do want him to be happy. If she makes him happy, then I'm all for that.

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DATE: Oct 24 2008, 8:50 am / MOOD: Anxious

In three weeks exactly Craig is disappearing to the US for a week. Seven days isn't a long time, but to me, with the way I'm feeling, it seems like an age. I want so much for him to stay here but I can't ask him to. I don't know how I'll cope being alone every night and day, especially as I don't know how often we'll get to talk. My mum's coming over the day he leaves and she'll keep me company for a while, but then she'll return to work and I'll be on my own with the horrible thoughts I have and near-constant panic. He gets back two days before my birthday; I just hope his jet lag isn't so bad that he just sleeps those few days away.

Other than that, things are fairly stable at the moment. The side-effects from my medication are becoming something of a hassle, but it's just something I need to push through. A friend came round last night to meet the new kitten and to check on how I'm doing, but I got the feeling that he was tiptoeing around my issues, which I do understand, but it made me feel more aware of how isolated I'm becoming. Also, I hate that whispery therapy voice people have taken to using when they ask "How're you doing?". Argh.

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DATE: Oct 22 2008, 7:54 am / MOOD: Sad

Two nights ago the man I love lay next to me and cried because he loves me so much and can't bear to see me this way. We held on to each other and neither of us knew what to do. He can't change the way I am, and I can't stop him worrying.

 

Yesterday's appointment with my doctor was relatively productive. I'm back on medication, which I sort of expected given how bad things have been lately, but he also recommended trying meditation and hypnotherapy. We'll see.

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DATE: Oct 18 2008, 4:03 pm / MOOD: Fearful

'Anxiety is a breath-stealing kiss, sucking the wind out from your lungs, driving your heart to beat ever faster, faster than it can beat, until you yourself are beating and beaten. Anxiety is an eager apprehension waiting at the garden gate for the return of a scolding mother, an impatient expectancy of troubled tension, a hated friend, a loved enemy, a self-defeating emotional sympton of a self-perpetuating emotional disease. Anxiety is on me, its existential woe vexes my spirit, flattens my taste for life with a dreadful staleness, and piques my fear of being frightened.'

 

Just something I read today.

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