Anxiety Self Help

DATE: Mar 25 2009, 1:00 am / MOOD: Frustrated

I think a certain amount of anxiety I deal with is due to fear of offending someone. Sometimes, you can simply say a little four letter word and someone acts like you are the 'devil'. Other times, say in an online chat, you bring up sexual matters, you might offend someone who thinks you are being 'crude'.

 

Honestly, I am not that easily offended or thin skinned at all. I consider myself a very nice guy, but a lot of things i talk about, interests, opinions, etc are kind of.....'crude' or even offensive to some. lol. (offensive humor, sex, aggressive music, controversial political topics, etc etc) Now, I understand that say, you don't bring up booze and hookers in front of your grandmother. lol.

 

BUUUUT......even with 'normal' reactions with women, a guy is expected to 'flirt' and be 'brave' but ALSO not 'cross the line'. Maybe because my 'line' is not as high as many people's , I just have a hard time seeing that line. I feel like I'm on a different wavelength than many people. Funny thing is, reading this, you might expect me to be some abrasive asshole, but the truth of the matter is I consider myself to be a very nice guy. Despite just liking things like the above mentioned, I usually go out of my way to be friendly to people who are friendly to me. And try not to offend. I will keep my opinions to myself if I think they might offend. I'm not really the confrontational type at all.

 

I'm not even sure where I'm going with this. Just seeing if anyone semi relates.

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DATE: Mar 01 2009, 1:28 pm / MOOD: Bored

I know it's different for some of you, what the triggers are for your SA, but with me, one thing that majorly contributes is the feeling of being hurried along or rushed.

 

Let me give a few examples for clarity on this.

For one, traffic. Like heavy traffic. People are so rude and impatient and just plain retarded when driving. Like you have to keep a lookout because the guy up front looks like he's about to pull out in front, causing you to slam your breaks just to avoid an accident. You speed up faster to discourage him to 'yank' out like that, thinking 'wtf? it would have been one second. does Bubba have a fire to go to?'? BUT, I let it slide off.

 

Then, say I finally get to a grocery store or department store or restauraunt, or wherever I'm going. There are like 80 customers. All I'm thinking in my mind is a simple 'walk in, make order, done with it' transaction. Predictable. Now, if it's so busy that the minute I 'step in line' one or a bunch of people gather behind me, it helps add to my feeling like I have to be in a hurry or something. I try not to think this way, but by nature, this is one of my 'triggers' for my SA. When I have impatient people behind me, it's even worse. And when I try to just 'brush it off', more often it distracts me from what many would call 'common sense' and I do dumb things to the point of clumsiness, awkwardness or outright stupidity.

 

I have always also hated the notion that because someone might be a little slow at certain things that they were stupid. Einstein sucked at Math. Many times, the skills that 'get you ahead' in the world, dealing with 'quick thinking' have nothing to do with deep thinking as many people who get ahead are dumbasses in other ways, but just confident. More 'social' intelligence, I guess.

 

I know the 'rushed' feeling is something I need to 'get over' and many say they never let themselves feel that way, but the same exact thing could be said of SA. I was just wondering if anyone here identified.

 

 

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DATE: Aug 01 2007, 11:47 am / MOOD: Angry

I swear, I despise certain parts of my family. Apparently, I was told recently, that my aunt, whom I'll just call "Jill", here, had said that my mother "spoiled" me and my two brothers, and that we need to be out on our own to "toughen up", some.

Jill is a snob who married a guy who had his own business. She knows nothing of making it on her own. She and her family are going on trips to Vegas or entertaining her fancy friends, while my mother or uncle (her brother) are having hard times.

Like when my uncle was depressed and drinking after his significant other had passed, and not once did Jill's snooty ass bother calling him, or acting worried. Or when my mom, needed some help to buy a new car, Jill nor my crotchety old grandma could offer a penny, though they're both sitting on plenty of money.

Apparently, Jill had picked up my mother the other day to go somewhere. Well, my mother said she wanted to smoke a cigarette first, and Jill didn't want it in her car, so my mother went to the parking lot. Jill acted all disgusted at her smoking and told her "You know, I'm worried about you, with your smoking."

Worried? lmao. Jill's best friend lives not a block from us hardly, and Jill's hardly been in our house to visit, but maybe one time. And that was a special occasion, way back. It's more about her being judgemental than being worried about anyone.

This woman would have no idea what it is like to have everybody in a household working their ass off just to break even. To scrimp and save and work her fingers to the bone, just trying to get by.

She's moved into a couple of really nice houses over the years.

She had always brought her kids to church and prohibited them from listening to music she didn't approve of. She probably thinks I'm a bad person, because I am not Christian or conservative. Or that I have long hair and listen to loud music. Even though, I'm a quiet guy, and nice as all. God forbid, if she ever heard about me being bisexual.

She probably takes my shyness as being "weak" and the fact that unlike her kids, who are married or are on the verge of, I've barely dated. Whoop-de-friggin-doo. What do I care about white picket fences, SUVs and status quo, anyway?

She also said once that she seen me "driving like a bat out of hell" in the parking lot, and that she was "surprised I didn't run anyone over". Anyone that knows me knows I'm not only careful in parking lots. I'm often slow as HELL, because I'm cautious. Of course, you're talking about a woman who drives like a turtle, and I'm not the only one to say that.

Even on Christmas, half the time we still don't see her, and when we do, she acts like she's in a hurry to leave, so she can get back to entertaining her ritzy friends, whom, I guess, are more important than her family. If she's not there, she usually has someone bring the presents she brought for everyone. Christmas is about more than f@cking presents and a dog-and-pony show. I almost don't wanna accept anything from her, but I'm trying not to blow things up too much.

Everything about this woman pisses me off. Her daughter (my cousin), I'm not sure of. From what I hear, last, though, is that she's about to marry a lawyer. Looks like Jill taught her well. lol. The husband's a jackass.

The son is the coolest of the bunch. Down to Earth, nice guy, almost like he comes from a different seed.

Then, my grandma is about a mean old woman. Always with snide comments. It's like she doesn't even know why people don't like her. Always wants something from someone, but can never help anyone else out. It's all about her...even over her own kids. She pits them against one another and gossips like an old hag bitch. She probably drove her last husband to the grave. The poor guy was almost 80. He didn't deserve that.

It's almost like the poor side of our family vs the well-to-do side. It's really annoying at times.

Anyway, I'm just venting. Can anyone relate to any of this?

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DATE: Jul 26 2007, 11:37 pm / MOOD: Other


Between me, my two brothers, and my mother, we all have jobs. We all chip in to keep up the mortgage payments in the place we currently live. We had 3 cars between the 4 of us. It wasn't too hard to work things out. One of us just had to drop off and pick up the middle brother from work, on weekdays, since he was the only one without a car. Well, on the way home from picking him up one day about a month ago, at about noonish, when my car breaks down. Long story short, I had to scrap it and save up for another vehicle. Well, about a 1-1 1/2 weeks later, my younger brother was taking the middle one to work, and he comes back in, waking me up, and saying that his car won't start, now. Jumping it had no success. So, we're down to one car for four people, now.

I had school classes I HAD to attend, too, in addition to all of us having jobs, so things were a bit difficult. I got a call at work, a few nights later, and my mother told me that she had looked at and drove a car and that I could buy it for about 1500 dollars. She said it drove well, and had a nice engine, even though it had some miles on it. So, I trusted her judgement, and before I had even driven the car myself, I handed him the money, signed the titlework, and Voila. It was mine. On the way back, I was to follow my mother who knew the directions better than I had. Once I started driving, it seemed like the "surge" was way too high in my opinion, even for an older vehicle. I felt that it was too reluctant to go when given gas. Almost like the gas pedal was kinda "sludgy". Well, not too far along, the engine turned off and the wheels locked.

I steered to the middle of the road, in the middle lane of the two-way street as best I could and tried to restart it. It took a minute, and I got it going again. I waited a bit for her to return and gave up, so I drove down the road and tried to make a few calls. I got it going, and made it home, but the car in my opinion has drove sh*tty since I bought it. My mother and her male "friend" both drove it and said it was OK. I disagreed, and now a week later, even they agree that the "surge" has gotten worse, and it feels like it's driving really bad. (Which I had said from the start and if I would have drove it myself, I would NOT have bought the car).

So, long story short, my brother's waiting to get his car back, and hopefully it's OK. Because with the condition of my "new" (to me, anyway) car, i feel like it could go, any time, if we don't get it looked at. So, I must baby it and drive only when necessary.

NOW, health care. I'm supposed to have ex-military benefits. Well, I set up the insurance and enrollment with the government benefits. Step one, after is that I had to find a primary care physician who would work with the "fee basis" program I am under. I guess because of my priority status, I was told to find an outside physician, because of how crowded the VA medical clinics were. After calling a few top clinics who said they didn't accept that payment program, I got annoyed.

I called up VA themselves, at the number given to me in my packet to call, in regards to this. I asked them if they could provide a list of primary care providers with whom they worked with. They said they had no such lists, but could give me a number or two. I called both numbers GIVEN BY THE VA, and neither said they accepted the payment plan. Now, that was about a month ago. I got fed up and tried to ask my job about their health care plan, but I was told that it was expensive, and I'd be better off sticking with the government benefits.

So, I'm about fed up with the whole process. I know because of my throat, feeling like sh*t every day, I gotta do something. If I even have a drink or two, it can lead to a sore throat or irritable sinuses. It's really not good, but alas. We live in a country where even f@cking AIDS must turn a goddamn profit. (AAAAAAAAAAAHH! KILLLLLL!)

Not to mention I HATE my job, and HATE my classes. BUT, with all the time and money I put into this degree, it would be stupid not to finish it. Then again, as much as I hate and sturggle with computer programming, I'm REALLY unsure of what I want to do in my future. All this, for my poor ass, among some other things.....I'm really unmotivated about life, right now.

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DATE: Feb 18 2007, 8:00 am / MOOD: Other

God, this sh*t sucked. I called in work Friday because I had been having cases of vomiting, nausea, diarrhea and disorientation. To make matters worse, I had an increased heartbeat, which made it harder, or damn near impossible for me to sleep. I tossed and turned every which way, before giving up. I drank a lot of Sprite, because I had heard it was good for you, and ate some chicken noodle soup, but apparently, I ate and drank too much, as it all came back up.

UGH! Funny thing is usually, I never get sick. Hm.

 I probably got two hours of sleep that night. Woke up Saturday morning, with an empty stomach (obviously). I had stomach cramps, which got worse while I was at work that day. UNBEARABLE. I actually had to get someone to cover last night, so I could leave early. (I NEVER do things like that at work.) I went home, got out of the ol' monkey suit, and went straight to bed. Hopefully, today will be better.

 

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DATE: Feb 07 2007, 9:40 pm / MOOD: Bored

This is just something I wrote a while back. I never shown it to anyone, and I'm not sure who, if anyone, will get it. Just throwing some feelings into written form. I'm not much of a poet, but thought I'd try posting it, anyway:

 

 

Anguish and ecstasy

Pain and pleasure

Good and evil

Unseen are the restless spirits of evolution and apathy

The child awakes among the malevolent benefactors

Walking among the horrid deviations, smiles are abundant

As this child lives and breathes,

Each step is under a strict scrutiny

And an odd recognition in his fractured ego,

That all is a big, elaborate joke

Any minute, no, any second

The risers will snap

And send falling to the floor, the entrapments of an infantile mind.

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DATE: Feb 02 2007, 12:02 am / MOOD: Disappointed

I just turned 29 Wednesday night. I can't help but thinking, deep down instead of being happy about the birthday, I'm just looking at how much of my life has been wasted with social anxiety issues. One away from the "Big 3-0".

It's almost like I'm thinking "What happened?"

 

I mean, if I don't grow out of this shy crap soon, I almost feel like I may have to face a very lonely and difficult life. It's almost like the birthday thing depressed me whenever I stopped to think too much about it.

 

Does anyone get where I'm coming from?

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DATE: Dec 26 2006, 9:15 pm / MOOD: Lonely

I know my profile's a bit over-the-top. On a site like this, for social anxiety, I sometimes feel weird, having anything too extreme, in my profile.

 Or on the other hand, I have the same profile on a few adult communities. I feel weird about that, too, just because I feel like I'm too shy to even be on such a site, much less have this outlandish profile. I decided to say f@ck it and keep the profile the way it is, anyway, because I like it, and it's just online. But, is it really that bad when you get anxiety about doing things EVEN ONLINE? I mean, it's not like I put a pic up. I know some here are the same.

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DATE: Nov 21 2006, 11:29 pm / MOOD: Other

I was still holding accounts here and irulz, but noone posts as much on either site, now. The once active chatrooms are practically abandoned, every time I log in, lately. I mean I only come here occasionally, but even I notice there's been a huge drop.

 

Or am I just blowing things out of proportion?

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DATE: Oct 25 2006, 6:16 pm / MOOD: Bored

Knowing how much personal stuff I put in my profile, would anyone think me posting a personal pic would be a good idea?

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