Sep 26 2011, 2:15 pm / Other
I am truly suicidal again, I'm so sad because I have a beautiful happy 5 month old daughter and a family I love dearly and who support me through everything with great understanding. I have my own house and good physical health.
Despite everything being right in my life I am constantly battling with anxiety. When I was pregnant I suffered with chronic anxiety and suidal ideation and was admitted to a psychiatric ward. Since then my life has been about trying to push the anxiety down and acting like everything is fine so I can be the best mother and person to everybody who needs me.
But in the last week the anxiety and depression has hit me like a brick and I have had little control over it. The lump in my throat has been persistent, I had my first physical panic attack for a long time. I'm afraid of everything. I freak out about death and a possible afterlife, eternal suffering (suffering as I have hear my whole life on earth) I become disconnected and afraid of people which makes me very lonely and paranoid. I have become so anxious before that I started to get delusional, thinking my baby was possessed and my bf was gonna stab me...
I just cannot continue to go through this... I simply don't have the strength. I can't take benzo's because I'm afraid to take them which only makes the anxiety worse, rendering them useless.
My anxiety seems to severe that I think I'm the only one that has it this bad?? I try SO hard to help myself and to make myself well but it's persistent and requires a lot of my strength mentally, I'm exhausted with trying to control the anxiety and depression and look after a new baby.
God someone please help me I don't think I can go on :-(