Jul 03 2011, 12:05 pm / Other
What is this?
I went to visit my dadthree nights agoin hospital, it's about 30 miles away. I knew the drive was going to be tough as I was already feeling disconnected and afraid of being with people (this includes my family) when I got to the hospital, I was with my dad, sister, partner of 6 years and my baby, all of whom I love dearly, but all of whom I was feeling completely disconnected from. Anyway, this anxiety around my family caused me to start crying in the car on the way back, my anxiety escalated into a feeling of the world not being real, of the people I was with not really being there, I felt completely alone and confused, a feeling like (metaphorically) floating around aimlessly in the universe with absolutely no idea what I'm doing there and feeling absolutely terrified and alone. Eventually I collapsed, by which time I was really crying, exhausted, my mind went quiet and I felt like I was about to tap into something in my head and everything would click into place and I would be ok, but then I heard my baby screaming and I was snapped out of it (to my annoyance) I just don't know what to do to make it all better, and to feel like I am real and connected to people.
The next day I had an episode that was much shorter but a lot worse, feeling terrified of everything and everyone, eventually I took a diazepam and went to sleep. I had feelings of wanting to drink and do something reckless.
Saturday I kept myself busy and distracted, feeling low but trying not to think about it,my care co-ordinatoradvised me to ride any negative feelings but Icouldn't as I wastoo scared.
Today from around 10 o’clock in the morning till 3 o’clock in the afternoon I felt extremely low, tired and was thinking about suicide again. Around 3 o’clock I suddenly seemed to snap out of it and at the moment I am feeling fine.
What the f@ck is going on?