Anxiety

DATE: Sep 28 2008, 11:04 pm / MOOD: Lonely

I started my new job (errrrmmm first real job ever) last thursday! I was fairly nervous but it wasn't horrible. I took my regular lexapro and then a klonopin for extra strength lol which I'm sure helped. (doctor said i could take them together)  : )

Anyways...I'm working at this elementary school, they have an after school program. There are about 25 kids in it right now ranging from grades K-5. They are mainly the youngest grades - a lot of kindergartners (so cute). I work with one guy who is like the director & is only one year older than me. He's really laid back & cool. Already on my second day there the kids are getting attached to me. I'm called Miss Jenny. :P This adorable little girl named Bella just plopped right in my lap when we were sitting at the table playing a game. And on friday some of the girls made me play tag with them (i didn't have the heart to say no even though i was tired ha). I'm just amazed at how well it's gone already & I've had very little anxiety. It's a pretty low stress job, it's just exhausting because you have to set up EVERYTHING every day & then take it all down (including heavy tables). Plus the kids are even more exhausting with their endless amounts of energy. I thought I had a lot of energy but man... lol

I'm rambling but I'm excited about it. I'm just feeling a little overwhelmed with having to keep up with school & work now. It'll all be alright though.

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DATE: Sep 12 2008, 2:16 pm / MOOD: Excited

I got a call back and found out I officially got the job!!! I can't believe it! Tuesday I have to go in to do some paperwork & junk. I'm not sure when I start or anything, I didn't ask any questions lol but I will when I go do the paperwork. I know I'm gonna be sooo nervous when I start but right now I'm sooo excited!!! I was disappointed when I thought the job went under - I think it was mainly cause I was just too scared to call the lady back. So I really believe God opened the door for me again when that lady emailed me 2 weeks later asking if I was still interested. I'm so thankful. Yay!!

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DATE: Sep 09 2008, 6:48 pm / MOOD: Tired

A few weeks ago I actually went for a job interview! I was pretty nervous but the lady was really laid back and cool so that helped A LOT. Well I thought the opportunity went under because I never called her about this fax that I didn't get from her. I emailed her though, but she never got back to me. So I just decided to forget about it. Then a few days ago I get an email from her saying if I still am interested to let her know! So she sent the fax again and thankfully I got it and I faxed the forms back. Now I just have to wait and see what happens. I'm scared! It sounds like a great job, though. It's this after school program and I'd be an assistant. I'd be basically helping to set up the activities for the kids & doing some paperwork too. I'm not sure exactly what age group I'd be working with, really young kids though. My goal is to be an early childhood teacher so I think this would be perfect! I don't have much experience with kids at all, though. >.< But it's not like I'm the teacher and have to control everything. Anyways I'm just praying this will all work out and be the right thing for me. I'm determined to try it out anyways, even if I'm panicking and I end up not liking it. I'm also excited to finally make my own money too lol.

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DATE: Aug 30 2008, 8:54 pm / MOOD: Frustrated

i hate anxiety...i hate having low self-esteem and no confidence in myself. i feel embarrassed to be this way. i shouldn't be this way. it's not who i am. i wish my fiance never knew about any of this. why couldn't i have gotten my life together before we met? i wish to change all these things but as badly as i wish it won't go away. the past cannot be erased. so why can't i just kick it's butt and be done with it? why am i still struggling to change and i'm still embarrassed to be this way i am despite how far i've come. i just feel like "why did this happen to ME?" i know God has a purpose for everything he puts us through...but i just can't understand it sometimes...or a lot of the time. maybe years later i'll look back and see the big picture. hopefully years from now i will be better than i am right now and this anxiety part of my life won't even matter one bit. it's just hard to imagine life without being the way i am and living with this. after dealing with things practically your entire life it's a wonderful dream to imagine what life would be like without those things to deal with. i feel like i've let myself become so weak, letting myself be beaten down by past hurts and disappointments. i just see people around me living life the way i want to live my life and it's just depressing. i know i should be so thankful because my life could be so much worse. i am very thankful, but everyone wishes for something more sometimes. sometimes i just feel soo angry at myself for letting this junk control me. so what if i'm anxious about getting a job? just do it!!!!!!!!! it's not the end of the world. but nooo i'm still jobless. i'm still a very long ways off from finishing college. i still have no other socialization outside of my fiance and my family. i'm still an emotional wreck who can't be the strong person i know is in there somewhere. Gahhh i'm so sick of this i feel like it's stupid to continue this way. i feel like forgetting about the way i am and pretending i never had this and somehow forcing myself once and for all to do everything i've ever wanted to do. can it really be so simple...?

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DATE: May 27 2008, 8:35 am / MOOD: Tired

I go to California in about a week. I'm getting really excited, I've never been there before. But it's like a mix of excitement & dread. The closer it gets the more anxious I get. I just know I'll talk & act awkward around my fiance's family. I have 4 siblings to meet & I'm not comfortable around his parents yet. The thought of staying at their house for 10 days just makes me nervous. The thought of eating dinner at the table with them makes me nervous, having to talk & stuff... I have so many stupid worries! But also I'm going to have my "time of the month" at some point, so I'll feel miserable at the beginning of that. Might have it when we go to the beach too & so I won't swim. Depressing :( I just am afraid I'll have an anxiety attack when I meet everybody & I'm  awkward. I guess it will all be worth it to see Cali & I'm going to take a million pics. :-)


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DATE: Mar 28 2008, 3:54 pm / MOOD: Frustrated

I am seriously such a bad procrastinator. A lot of times it's due to anxiety but I need to get out of that habit!! I have another essay due on monday & I haven't even started. I'm freaking out. Somebody think of two groups with different values that I can compare/contrast easily haha PLEASE. Whyyyy do I do this? I procrastinate with assignments, phone calls, thank you notes, getting a job... BAH! I'm feeling like I have a million things to do & I need more time! I can't wait until summer & I can just focus on wedding plans. Sigh. 

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DATE: Mar 19 2008, 8:57 pm / MOOD: Happy

After much deliberation and anxiety, I told my fiance I would go with him to California to see his family in June. EEK. He really wanted me to go & I didn't want to disappoint him. Plus I've never been to California & always wanted to go, I'm so excited about that part! I just have all those millions of worries about things that probably won't be that bad & a lot of little dumb things. Hopefully it will be alright. My cousin was supposed to come visit from Virginia today. But due to bad weather & cancellations now she can't come. I was so disappointed, I haven't seen her in months & months, I miss her a lot. Oh well. I just found out my brother got engaged, it's only been about a month since I got engaged myself. weird ha. I guess that's pretty much all thats going on...glad to be on spring break! 

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DATE: Mar 08 2008, 12:17 am / MOOD: Other

Hmm. it's after 2 am & i'm the only one in the house who is awake. i am sore all over, i'm not sure why. i have a headache.

so my grandpa went in the hospital the other night. he has trouble breathing, but it was so much worse than usual. they took all this fluid off of his lungs & stabalized his heart & breathing. he's ok now & might come home tomorrow. he told my grandma "i felt like i was going to die, i still think i'm gonna die" & she said "you're not going to die, i won't let you" that made me want to cry. :( i don't know how much longer he's gonna last, i just hope he can be at my wedding. i hope danny's grandma can be there too, she just turned 85 this year.

it's weird how at times i feel so overwhelmed & that i have too many things to worry about. then at the same time i feel that i have barely anything going on in my life & it's blah. what's amazing though, that i don't exactly consider myself to have an anxiety "disorder" anymore. anxiety still causes problems in my life & it's an obstacle i need to get past in a lot of ways. but it doesn't control my life anymore. i'm not trapped inside a cage, i am starting to live my life. :)

i need to get a job. why is it so hard for me to take steps toward that? my fiance said he would go into places with me to get applications. still..it's just hard...but i'm getting married in a year, so i want to save some money for the wedding. also i'm going to need to have one after we're married.

i need to go to bed. i just have so much on my mind. guess i'll try...

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DATE: Mar 02 2008, 5:28 pm / MOOD: Mellow

The sermon at church today got me thinking. People put so much stock into this world, material things, people, success, etc. Then if they lose all of that, their whole world comes crashing down. I need to put more stock in eternity, in heaven. My fiance has been my whole world, too much. If I didn't have Jesus, and Danny died, I would probably commit suicide. But I do have Jesus, so I would be able to keep on living. I would be heartbroken, but I would make it. Nothing is certain, and nothing is stable in this life except God. He is the ultimate source of comfort and joy, and is all that will matter in the end.

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DATE: Feb 15 2008, 3:03 pm / MOOD: Excited

Thanks to those who gave congrats in my last blog. We decided to celebrate Valentine's Day a day early because I didn't have class. Also, the restaurant might not be as crowded (it was pretty crowded though). :/ We went to the Botanic Gardens, where we went on one of our first dates. It was chilly with not many flowers out, but it was still nice and special. We walked around and I led him to sit in this gazebo. (he told me later he thought of proposing in there but I started eating crackers haha) After a little while we decided to go eat. We walked down this path with trees all around, angel statues, the sunset going down. He started to linger in front of a bench. I was like thinking "hmm why aren't we going." Then he took my hands in his and then just went down on his knees. Immediately I burst out crying and said "oh my gosh..." He said how much he loves me and that I'm the only girl he wants to spend his life with. And of course asked me if I will be his wife. I was in complete shock, after a few seconds of crying I said "Of course! yes!" and we hugged and kissed...Then he pulled out a little green marble ring box. (later he told me he started to pull out his cell phone hahah) Then put a gorgeous ring with my birthstone in the middle and diamonds on the side on my finger. We sat on the bench for a while, I was still crying, I think it went for like 20 minutes lol. We talked and just kept saying how surreal it is and how much we love each other. I didn't want the moment to end and neither did he. He even cried a little! And said how he can't believe someone wants/accepts him. Whew... sorry for the long blog to anyone who reads this. After I finally stopped crying we went to eat at the Cheesecake Factory. Best restaurant ever. :P Soo that was my day. I was completely drained and so tired, amazed, shocked. When I woke up the next morning, I looked at my ring and cried again. I'm so blessed, THANK YOU LORD.


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