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VIEWING 11 - 20 OUT OF 26 TOTAL
ughh, did I take my meds already
DATE: May 22 2011, 2:08 am / MOOD: Anxious
The one thing I hate is the feeling of not remembering if I took my medicine or not. I have one of those pill containers but haven't used it and now I broke it out to make sure I keep track of what I take. Well I guess double-dosing is okay versus not taking any at all. I guess if I did take too much I'll feel tired or become funky... hopefully neither. I tired to retrace my steps of what I did but gave in to taking meds since i couldn't remember. Don't you just hate that! View Entry | Leave A Comment
Darn, we're still here!
Alfie - it happens to everyone
DATE: Apr 28 2011, 1:01 am / MOOD: Okay
Okay, so I'm not sure if it happens to everyone or even on the "Jude Law" scale (as I'm no JL for that matter) but I caught a bit of the "Alfie" move the other day on the tube and found myself in the same shoes as him, well not the same shoes but in heart and mind, that is. When I was married I was hearted and soul'd to my x but before that and after, i would end up not wanting to be "settled" and thus had a few relationships that anyone would die for but didn't take them serious enough. The women in my life are too kind, a blessing from heaven but it’s not always mutual in between..., and so I have thus not treated them in "like" return. I'm sure any woman wantsto be put on apedestal (is that called "exclusiveness?") but I'm just not committing right now. I don't know what I'm afraid of (traits of the x?) and have now found myself like Alfie, sad, alone but yet humbled and knowledgeable of what has happened to him. It sucks and a lesson learned I guess, or not?? View Entry | Leave A Comment
School is cruel
DATE: Apr 28 2011, 12:33 am / MOOD: Frustrated
So I'm working on school and for some reason my brain is not wired for economics. I am good at math but word problems is another thing. I don't have a problem with technical books but eco books is my weakness. I'm pulling it together but being frustrated by it is taxing and anxious provoking. Anyone out there feel the same? I need a maid or something like that so when I come home the house is clean and all is well. Dinner wouldn't be bad either but I don't like eating at a specific timeframe or in a designated area. I'm sure my 9 year old daughter loves my ways! LOL I thought about hiring someone to work in my place when I'm attending school but then thought how shallow of me and that I could be doing something better with my money. Also, having someone clean my place is a bit spooky. I'm so private. I hope I'm not offending anyone but having to work, school, raise a child, and blah blah can be tiring at times. It's just nice to think about a break. I do admire anyone here that does nearly half of what I do or then some because I know all too well how tough it can be to do the simplest tasks such as be on this site. Well cheers everyone and have a great day/evening! Nick View Entry | Leave A Comment
looking for an answer
DATE: Apr 13 2011, 6:55 pm / MOOD: Tired
Some big events occurred in my life not too long ago at the end of March that made me wonder about myself. On March 30th, my older brother died while I rested my arms and body on his. I didn’t cry nor did I care about all the medical equipment and blood on him and or around me. All I wanted to do was to hold him as he was taken from my hands in Gods. [Skipping here and there] I made sure I felt his heart and his warm body when he was alive until his heart stopped beating and his body turned cold. I haven’t spoken about it nor have I shared in details as to my feelings with my family as they are hurting a lot due to our loss of him. …I have scolded him, made fun of him (mutual thing between us), was disappointed in him, didn’t care for him (at times), was mad at him, and never proud of him… My brother has always been a problem for my family and me; raised in a good home but turned towards crime and always mooching off of family and others. He was, however, good with people and liked to help them with their own problems but never his own. I would find myself, at times, thinking about him and wanting to help him in ways that I could only do so after my heart healed from his inflicted wounds. I do not feel that I ever gave up on him but just didn’t help in guiding him. Was that my job as a younger brother out of the two? My family kept on his back and did all that they could for him. Some of the things they did for him are incomprehensible in terms of “family love” so not sure if me not-helping him was due to the “mental misunderstanding” of support that in my own mind I thought would be a lack of on my behalf. However, a simple (not so simple in some terms) thought occurred to me that I could have just talked with him from my heart, as a human being to another human being on a level reserved for two people whom really care for each others wellbeing. If I would have done so, to what extent, path, or level do I take? My mind thinks it would be like trying to row a canoe upstream with a paddle that had large holes in it; accomplishable but to what effort and is the effort lost at its end because the stream would eventually take me right back down it. So why am I wondering about myself? I’m wondering what energies kept me strong not only for myself but for my family. What kept me going during our hard times (and still present) that I cannot seem to do for myself, as strong, like I did for others? Being a part of life, seeing and hearing the struggles of it (my brother’s, my family’s in more ways than one and even my own), what is WHAT? Answers to the thoughts and questions that I have are not particularly educated conclusions so of course I am not satisfied with them. I want to know why it is that [I] as a person cannot permanently be free of anxieties but can do so in the time of need of others. Does helping other people “cope from issues” help me? Why does it feel like [I] have been given a gift of emotions and the only thing useful with it is to be more-in-tune with other people’s emotions? I wonder if I have ever helped others with regards to them understanding his/her emotions when trauma arises. Would my help amount enough by being there for them so that they do not trigger some cell/chemical/neuron reaction, which ultimately leads to anxieties? If so, great! But then where was my “helper” when I first started to inhibit the signs of anxieties? Here’s what I do know, I know that [I] (we) am (are) special and a gift from God. To be able to realize my (our) own limitations so that [I] (we) may help others with theirs is indeed a gift, but…, usually with every gift is a cost. I would consider anxieties as the “cost” but it just feels like there is something else lurking inside of me that is the cost, what is it? That is a question I do not understand.
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what's wrong with this site? is it me?
DATE: Apr 08 2011, 12:02 am / MOOD: Don't know
Just blabbing out loud…… So I’m officially retarded at computers! I’ve been trying to upload more pictures but just cannot do so. I work in technology but I guess that doesn’t hold any weight because I just got my butt kicked by this site! Oh well, I guess I’ll trying one more computer then give up. Today was a good one as I was given the opportunity to kick back by my boss. I guess it take an extreme circumstance to do so. I’m looking at applying for another job within the company that I work for so I guess I’ll just have to see how it goes. What’s wrong with people these days? WAIT! I don’t really want to know because I think I’ll get a migraine hearing the answers. I’ll just take your word for it. Well one more day of working for the “man” then weekend time. Not sure what’s up with the weekend but I guess I’ll just have to make myself useful somewhere.
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Ms. Bossy-boss
DATE: Mar 28 2011, 2:48 pm / MOOD: Curious
Okay, so I work in a pre-dominant female environment and can’t help but notice that the women I work with and or those around me are very bossy and grouchy. I don’t know why and have struggled to figure it out so I’m just doing my best to ignore them. I almost told one today to stop being so bossy but figured my words have weight behind them so just left it alone. I don’t know/understand how a girl can be bitter because I always think of them as the softer calmer sides of things. Guys should be the tough ones and or the grrr grrr type. I mean there comes and point in time for everything but “turn down the attitude girl!? On another note, why is it that women feel like they have to plant their feet down into the ground so deep that it makes them ridged and unlikable. Whatever happened to a women being humble and “girly” or cutesy? I do not see that anymore or I must be looking in the wrong places, though not that I look to be exact. I was talking to my grandmother about this the other day and was telling her that I wished I was living in the past because the guy would take care of the wife and do the house work and what not, while the girl would be humble and sweet and take care of him in her own ways. Oh, and I forgot to mention that I’m not talking about how a woman would do the house chores, take care of the kid, etc. etc, but you know, old school respect things. Maybe I’m just fantasying about how things were when I wasn’t even born and am struggling with society these days. No wonder everyone is becoming depressed or having anxieties – we are not acting like human beings towards each other. Oh well, just some rambling in my mind today that was sparked by bossy boss boss girl. Lol! If only she knew I was talking about her she would flip out of her chair, down her cubicle pathway, and into the abyss… okay, not that dramatic but it’s funny to say … View Entry | Leave A Comment
believe in it
DATE: Mar 27 2011, 12:00 am / MOOD: Content
At the end of my day this evening I was asked how my day was by two people, I said it was good. What do you think? I guess you’ll never know ;o) so guess what now, I believe in it and you know what, so will you. Have a great evening everyone! Nick
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my mind is tired
DATE: Mar 26 2011, 12:25 pm / MOOD: Thankful
So I got up this morning after having some crazy dreams last night and this morning. I must have been so mentally drained that my mind was going bonkers. It was kind of scary as to the dreams that I was having but I focused on knowing that dreams are dreams and so what if they are bad, I’ll get over it. Nevertheless, I thought about something this morning while lying in bed about how the brain is a muscle and that too much exercise can strain it. I wonder if anxious thoughts strain the brain and or consume it to somewhat like a child hogging a toy so that other cannot play. If so, not cool ;o) then I thought about how “we” tend to think happy thoughts so that our anxious thoughts disappear but doesn’t that defeat the purpose of a tired mind? So, I just came up with a new theory about needing to nap/sleep it off so that when I wake up, I can fill my mind with happy thoughts first so that the anxious ones are locked out of “fun” time for my mind.
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Just my rambling
DATE: Dec 28 2010, 10:38 am / MOOD: Mellow
So I started-up my exercises again and it feels good to be tired. It gives me something to complain about at work and lets me close my eyes a bit. This way, all I may think about is sleeping instead of other things. On a different note, I’ve been reading some posts on this site and feel sad for a lot of you. I wished there was something that I could do but all I can do is pray, which may be more helpful than other things. The world is filled with evil and it feels like an uphill struggle at times with it. I’ve had my good days and bad and do my best to be on the good side more than the other. Just today I helped a girl bring up boxes to the 2nd floor at my work as I was walking into the building we work in this morning. The “good” part I think about is that she is someone who is not liked at all by many people since she can be mean but I put that aside today since I saw her struggling. The only thing that I hope is that she takes my extension of kindness and does that to another. I wonder if reaching out to people in kindness when they need it is like planting a seed of hope in that others will pass on the good deed. I’ve been struggling these past 8 months or so with what I want to do with my life because I’m not happy where I’m at now. Work stinks and so that makes things difficult for me. Maybe this “good deed” thing is a partial solution to what I want to do with my life. It’s an honorable thing that hardly ever gets any credit but that’s good for me since I don’t want to be noticed. Just last night my daughter told me that I always take care of her like a princess so maybe that’s one of the reasons why I am on this topic of good. Well enough about my thoughts, I hope everyone is doing well today and finds their inner strength to overcome any obstacles that may arise today. Hope a good one, Nick
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