|
Apr 27 2012, 4:54 pm / Fearful
i started placemnt thiss week and all throught the week i felt rly nervous and anxious cos it was a new placement and i wasnt sure what i was supposed to do etc. and yesterday i ahd my supervision with my supervisor where we just basically talk about how im doing and if i have any problems etc. and one of the things i fileld out on my form was that i felt nervous and under pressure cos i didnt really know what iwas supposed to do, if it was the right thing etc and als ocos i tend to get stressed easily. when i wrote down that i felt nervous that was just soemting i put down cos i wanted to fill the page :p but when i said i felt under pressure even though it was releated to the work that i did, it was mainly (i think) around the fact that i didnt knwo what other ppl thought of me , i know that sounds rly bad but i was constantly thinking whether they were thinking i did soemthing wronge, or if they were annoyed that i was asking them questions, not asking etc andi basically just got relatively self onscioush areoung my supervisor and another ot that ai shadowed. i felt that soem of the info was a lot to take in ina short space of time. but when i said that i felt undr pressure i think my ot might have been worried(maybe wrong here ) cos she was aying that the area i was going to be working in is a high peressure situation , theres lots of things to be done and decisions will have to be mae ina rly short space of time.i wasnt rly worried bout atht part it was mainly that i thought i wasnt good enough to do the work or that i was dong it completely wrong and i looked like a fool/idiot etc. i didnt say this to her cos i felt it was rly early to be feeling this way and i was overreacting and it woudl jsut sound weird cos she doesnt know i have anxiety probs and i dont want to let her know.i feel rly silly now after thinkingabout ti cos rly i didnt do much this week, compared to the otehr girls i barely did anything, i basically just walked aroudn the wards and read a load of charts and files on patients (nost borign stuff btw:/) and i only sw tow patients compared to ther other girls on plcement with me. and i feel like im being rly rly silly and being too sensitve to things ocs i barely did anything and there i was saying i was udner pressure and i was nevous etc. i remember my voice was actaully shaking when i was reading out what i wrote, and i actually stopped saying it afterwards cos i got so uncomfortable with ti :( .i hope she doesnt think im weird or there soemthing wrong with me cos i didnt go int othat much detail ovr how i felt cos it was so embarrassing but hse did say that if i ever felt udner too much pressure that i tell her, and i m just worrying now that im actually not good enought for this plcment cos i barely did anytnign this week compared to the other girls and i said i was udner pressrue, and i dont think the other girls said that during their supervision :///. and this morning when we had a tutorial with our tutor (above the supervisor) and our tutor said the exact same thing to us as my supervisor did which was to say so if we felt things were movign too fast or whatnot. when i had my meeting with my supervisor she said she wouldnt say anything to anyone with regards to what i told her in supervision so i hoep she didnt tell the tutor about me being worried after wards and thinks im not tellling her something :( she was rly serious about the form lol and i just made up half ot it :( may fil it out properly next time. okay this is gonna soudn weird but basially i jsut dont want her to hink im a loser who caves under v little pressure. cos compared to the other girls i had v little contact with other patients nd stuff. or maybe because i had so little contact it made me more nervous.... :/ i jsu realised ive used the word compare at least three tiems there. what else? oh yeah basically i jsut got so worried and upset there cos i have placement again next monday andi dont want ot feel like im being vicitmized or forced into doing things i dont feel like i can do, which isnt even bout doing the things im worreid about, its worrying aobut what other ppl think of me (esp superbisor) oh jesus im a rite loser/mess arent i............... :( and the weird things is i want to do things and shadow other ppl working etc but just when i think of me actaully doing the work i get so nervous and i feel like i cant do it even tho i do want to do it in a way, and my supervisor will be looking for me to do that . its so so werid like! :( i jsut get so nervous when i ahve to shadow otehr OTs cos i dont know them and dont know whatw im supposed to be doing. i guess ishould focus more on tha patient than worrying aobut me eh? i really should be more confident, GAH :( massive smiley face lololololol. but yeah basically im giong around in circles with this worrying os im just gonna stop here, well nto stop cos that makes me worry, maybe just .. yeah stops the word :/ i just dont know what to expect cos i havnt done muc hthis week and its been kind of weird. gues ishould just go with the flow eh? :( and its going to be rly sudden too whe n ihave to shadow other ppl, maybe i should just try tonot see the toehr ppl i shadow as enemies or soemthing, jsut i dont knwo what to do whe nim supposed to be shadowing other peeps...................hey thats another q to ask me supervisoe next week! :D look im jsut finding mroe and more things to worry about, im gonna go to bed. dear god i hope she doesnt think im a recluse or werido,loser, sensitive eprson, or whatever... :/ i feel like so much si expected of me.... that looks like a pear but whatever goodnight everyone, im not even tired anymore ,,,,, damn Bannaney Bannaney
|
