I am 47yrs old as a child i was sexually abused from the age of 4 till i was 9yrs old, i was a loner at school when i was there, i missed some schooling i found it hard to make friends was so scared of evryone.
When i was 11yrs old i was sent to my elderly grandmothers to live after plucking up the courage to tell my mom as you can proberly guess i was not believed, it was round about then when i was diagnosed with epilepsy after having several fits.
I never had any contact with my parents or brothers and sisters again i was disowned if ya like abandoned.
I have had 2 beautiful children who are now grown up and flown the nest, it was very hard when my daughter was born i couldn't bond with her i had this fear that i couldn't protect her it all came flooding back the flashbacks the nightmares the anxiety, i had her brother 2 yrs previous and all was okay with him i was coping, also i stopped having fits when my son was born and the epilepy just stopped i have not had anymore fits since.
Since as far back as i can remember i have had to have doors in my house open if anyone closed the door in a room i was in i would flip and run because my abuser used to say i was bad and lock me in a cupboard to scare me till he was ready to abuse me, thats where the ptsd comes from and to this day its still the same my children knew not to close a door if i was in the room.
When i was 41yr old i got breastcancer today is anniversary of my first operation to remove it its a really hard day for me, i believed that it was my punishment and that it was my fault i got it and i hated myself and my body even more i was given a psychologist to help me through it i went to see her every week for a year before i was deemed okay mentally enough to continue with the cancer treatment, i isolated myself from everyone when my breasts were removed i started self harming myself in secret where it could not be seen by my children i became anxious again around people hence the social phobia, i have had 6 operations now the last 1 was in march this year,i was divorced 6yrs ago and have lived on my own back in scotland for 4yrs now totally isolated apart from support my only friends are online my children live in england and don't need mad mom no more.
I was diagnosed with bpd in 2006 yaaaay another label as if i need anymore, sorry i have rambled on a bit theres lots of stuff i have just condensed it or i would ramble on and on.
catherine xx
