Anxiety Self Help

I don't know...I don't know...but I'm worried, because at the moment, I think I'm feeling the most down that I have felt in a while....and of course, feeling this way makes me fearful that it could be leading to a bigger "down", the version of hell that I went through from approx May '09 up until about the middle of last year...guess that will always have to be a concern anytime I feel down, that it could always strike again....anyway, got to focus on the moment...feeling down, and my instincts told me to blog about it--maybe telling me that will make me feel better....

So what could it be?....All I know is that I'm at the Goodwill place where I'm mainly supposed to be on here to look for jobs, and I'm not feeling an urge to do it,, so I got to get to the bottom of this.....is it that the holidays are over? I don't celebrate Christmas, not back from any kind of a vacation, New Year's Eve sucked, so why in the hell should I be down that the holidays are over?...Oh btw, I realized something this morning--had a bit of a "revelation" if you will: I finally figured out why I hate cleaning so much even though I do care about my place being a mess: there's something about cleaning that gets me depressed! How f***ked up is that?!?....Is it that the time of the year when the best movies come out is over and now we get into January-February, the time of the year when the worst movies come out?.....is it that I just need a cup of coffee(freaking 15cents short of being able to get one at the concession machine at the moment)....Is it The Girl and the fact that it looks like the possibility that it's not going to lead to anything afterall has got me down? Well my instincts already told me what to do to fight off the possibility of that sending me into a potentially devastating relapse: just go into self-imposed exile from Facebook for about one week and she'll gradually disappear from my mind since that's the only place where I've had any contact with her, so just planning on going on there one more time today to finish a conversation I've been having with a friend on there(and Facebook unfortunately is my only means of communication right now as well with said friend)...Is it "The Big 3" of financial worries that's getting to me, ie worrying if my landlord will once again allow me to pay my rent late this month w/out charging me for late fees, worrying that I'm running low on my foodstamps income and not knowing if they will give me an increase or not(I don't know how it works, and feeling too apprehenisve to call them to find out in case the news is bad, so I got to overcome that), worrying that the agency that I applied to for help in paying my electric bill is going to turn me down, or not get to my case in time, etc . and that I might not have any electricity in the next couple of weeks?....all of the above?....I don't know....but hopefully writing about it on here will somehow help. Guess it remains to be seen.

PART 4: ON BEING "MR ALMOST".

(note: this is the 4th in a series of blogs I've written today. Feel free to read the other ones if you want...or don't. My apologies if this all makes me come across as being narcissistic)

So...all of the previous blogs I wrote today tie in to a self-appointed title I have placed upon myself: "Mr. Almost"...I've always been ALMOST smart, but not quite...example: MOSTLY have been good academically in English, Psychology, History, etc but MOSTLY horrible at Math & Science, and even within that, very baffling to me that I was really good at Intermediate/intro to Algebra, but horrible at COLLEGE ALGEBRA (have tried taking it THREE FREAKING TIMES and have dropped it each time before I was inevitably going to land an F in it. Anyway, point is that it just always has seemed to me that you are either completely good at Math, or you're not good at it at all. )...I ALMOST have gotten at least some kind of college degree; I've had a mere 12 credits left to get an associates degree for some 15 years now, but my arch-nemisis's College Algebra and a lab science course have stood in the way of obtaining that and still do...and with my being on the verge of flunking my Observational Astronomy class(detailed in one of the previous blogs I wrote today) that I took this semester (as I made the decision this past Fall to try for the first time in years to finally work towards obtaining said ever-so-elusive associates degree), looks like I very well could be stuck in "Almost" purgaory once again with all of this)....

I'm ALMOST "good" at sports--or at least I'd like to think I am--but never QUITE "good" at them, which has been excruciatingly frustrating to me since I have always had a passion to play them...Examples: Years and years spent going to the batting cages to try to improve my hitting at softball(gave up trying to hit a regular baseball ages ago), seemingly encouraging sessions there time and time again, only to for the most part choke in the real games, and whatever "hitting technique" that I thought I finally "taught myself" at the cages infuriatingly(if that's not a word, I'm making it one) refusing to transfer to the actual games...really good sessions--or so it seemed--practicing hitting the tennis ball against a wall, and being encouraged for the most part at how I would do during tennis lessons, only for the techniques I was taught to somehow be a struggle to carry out in the real games...and there was a friend who I started playing tennis with one summer almost every day, and I was neck & neck with him for the most part in winning matches, only to be baffled to see him eventually pull away and somehow start to dominate me in virtually all of our matches later in the summer...these, just a couple of examples out of so many frustrating ones that come to mind offhand in terms of sports...

So many times, I have felt like I ALMOST have "gotten The Girl", "won the heart" of so many that I would fall for., etc. only to somehow do something stupid/wearing my heart out on my sleeve/ fail to "play it cool" or somehow miss a possible cue from her that would cost me any and all chance of doing so(I elaborated on my latest ordeal in regards to this kind of situation in one of my previous blogs that I wrote today for what it's worth if u want to read it and haven't already)..Example: A girl named Alison, the one I fell for the hardest years back and subsequently ended up feeling the most heartache over,... as far as "not playing it cool" is concerned, what if I hadn't more or less bluntly told her that I had fallen for her as opposed to doing something more sensible such as dropping a subtle hint or two, if I hadn't wrote her letter after ridiculous letter to her at school overdoing it to the extreme in terms of expressing my feelings for her, if I HADN'T FREAKING WRITTEN A POEM ABOUT HER AND EVENTUALLY READ IT TO HER(!) FOR CRIPES SAKES?!?... as far as missing potential verbal/non-verbal cues is concerned, ....what would have happened had I been home to talk to her, maybe even go go to her house and comfort her in person when she had called and left a message on my answering machine at home shortly after her breakup with her boyfriend instead of my impulsively going to see a movie by myself that evening... If I had told her right away that I love her back when she said the words "I love you" in a letter she wrote to me while she was away at school rather than wait weeks later to do so...or when she told me "you're supposed to fight for me Todd" and I tried too hard to stay neutral(perhaps choosing the wrong time in this case and the previous one to "play it cool" ?) as she was giving me details of her latest fight with her bf instead of trying to convince her it was time to give me a chance?...(Sorry if all of this sounded pathetic and overly-detailed, but just felt such a need to provide an example apparently)...

and lastly, I ALMOST seem to understand the important issues of the day, but never seem to quite grasp them completely compared to others..I ALMOST am "smart" non-academically--.people are always telling me for instance that I have good "verbal skills" and come across as very intelligent whatever the hell any of that means.....but my inability to understand how to handle and cope with a lot of the "normal" situations in life that most people I know seem to have had little or no trouble dealing with has left me lagging way behind my peers in virtually every aspect of life(ie failed attempts at relationships, not being married and starting a family(for that matter, never having quite "figured out" how to get a good and respectable job-- rather than the endless amounts of mediocre ones I have held-- that pays well enough for me to even entertain the idea of being stable enough from a financial perspective to get married/provide for a family, etc), how to buy my own car instead of having to rely on my parents, how to get organized in paying endless amounts of bills/debts, how to get my own apartment without needing help from my parents,,how to cook a decent mearl...among so many other things)

Oh, and I ALMOST have finished reading umpteen different books that I began reading, but...anyway, enough with these ALMOSTS...I could go on-and-on with them, and have obviously gone way too on-and-on with them already...

So sorry for the marathon-legnth blog(s)...THIS ONE IN PARTICULAR was really NOT INTENDED TO BE THIS FREAKING LONG... Thank you so much to anyone who was able to take the time to read.

Todd

Took my Observational Astronomy final exam this past Thursday at school and flunked it with flying colors...as I did my midterm exam...trying hard not to beat myself up over somehow flunking a class that was the only class I had this semester, and with plenty of time to study all semester but didn't nearly enough anyway(only area where I can say I made a "full effort" was that I read every single page that was assigned in the textbook)...but never bothered until too late to go online and go over the zillions of notes via pinpoint(I think that's what it's called) from lectures that teacher put on there....and the fact that I had no idea we could access it at all online until well into the semester, and the frustrating fact that I'm one of the few left in this world whohas yet tohave his own computer via desktop or laptop(somehow have never been in position to afford one I guess, and never wanted tobother to ask my parents to contribute $ in helping me obtain one, even though they probably would have)makes for very little if any of an excuse; Idoafterall have access to thecomputers at the library(where I'm writing all of this right now) even though those tend to suck(screen freezes an awful lot) and at my Dad's office which is just down the street from where I live and which I'm welcome to use there anytime when he's not having office hours there.... Was very lucky to have a very understanding and compassionate teacher regarding situation with my Dad(for instance, day I was planning on spending all-day studying for exam was first day I had to take him to the ER and thengo see him at the hospital downtown where theyended up transfering him too)which took all day, and then I still went to take the test at night(class is a night class)....but still have to consider that possibly an underachiever(despite DBT skills where it is greatly stressed to eliminate urge to judge yourself among other things; and if anyone who reads this wants me to elaborate on what exactly DBT skills are, feel free to let me know) what with spending first two hours of time I planned on studying for test on Thurs. reading newspapers rather than studying.....which leads me to ask: HOW...How could I do that?!?....How is it possible that this somehow apparentlywasn't important enough to me to STUDY MY FREAKING ASS OFF?!?...How is it that I apparently didn't feel that urge to do so what with the perpetually frustrating feelings of inferiority and shame that I always feel for never having obtained a college degree?!?(and this would merely be an associate's degree that I'm trying to obtain, which I'm trying to convince myself is better than no degree at all, and who knows what, if anything, that could lead to school-wise from there?).......

How much of a legit excuse can I make that I havealways struggled withscience courses--science along withmath proving historicallyto be my two worst subjects...that I have a previously diagnosed learning disability (in tandem with ADD) which has led to me being eligible for services from the Access Office at school(that is the office that assists students with disabilities) in the past, but which I never became eligible for this past semester because of the frustrating and perplexing inability of mytherapist to send in the necessary paperwork to the Access Office verifying updated doccumentation of said learning disability/ADD?...(but still have to take reposnsibilty for some of that for apparently not hounding the Dr. enough to get the paperwork in to the Access Office)?...How much of a difference that would have made if I had gotten those services? I don't know....But among other things, might have been eligible to have an assigned "note-taker" in class to take notes for me, which I imagine could only have helped seeing as the notes I did take in class were absolutely atrocious(and rapid-speaking teacher certainly didn't help matters in that regard)....Anyway, bottom line as to where all this stands now isRick (my teacher) is needing to know ASAPif I want to take a retake of the test(again, showing how much of a compassionate man he is),but I'm just ponderingwhether to take the whole class again next semester....I had to do that once with a science class in school that I had flunked the first time but ended up with a C the second....because as of this moment, I STILL don't know if I'm going to make the effort to study hard for it....and if I took the whole class all over again, at least this time wouldn't have to worry about reading the textbook(I highlighted like a madman everything I thought I might need to know in there), could focus soley on taking the notes, would know from the beginning how to access the powerpoint lectures online, and would perhaps have those helpful services from the Access Office this time provided I finally get through on the phone to my Dr this time. and make sure she has gotten the paperwork and if so to make sure she has sent it in...Any of these options would be better I suppose that just "going down without a fight" and taking an F(which would obviously severly damage my 3.0 GPA as well)...Guess we shall see....

Such a frustrating situation with the "mystery girl" that either fate or just a mere coincidence caused me to meet on and recently start conversing with on Facebook...briefly mentioned this in a recent blog I think....to make long story short, among the baffling hard-to-interpretreplies she has made to me when I have tried to get some sort of ideaif thereis somethingdevolopingbetween us (other than just mere pleasant chit-chat and small-talk) "Idon't know. Maybe. What part of town are you from?" in response to when I rather cleverly(for me anyway) floated the idea by her of meeting in person(which we have yet to do). My reponse to her being the part of town that I do in fact live in...and getting no response from her to that response and just resuming with the small-talk...and then after working up the nerve to ask how such an attractive girl like her could possibly be single(based this assumption mainlyon the fact that she has been flirting with me, and no photos or mention onher Facebook pageof anyone that seems to resemble a boyfriend), her reply being: "I'm dating someone, but men aren't that great, so I'm often single"(!)...whatever in the hell THAT means...mostly bad relationships with men?...that she's GAY?!?...why bothering to chat with me if dating someone--things not working out too well with whomever that person is?!?....Anyway, my response to her was to ask her to elaborate on this--sent this response to her on Monday, and have yet to hear a response to her from that ever since...Have forced myself to go on a self-imposed "sabbatical" from Facebook since Thursday so as to try not to get frustrated or down that she didn't reply to that....well, was supposed to be a full sabbatical, but sadly, have been unable to resist being on there completely, so have just been putting a post-it note(!) in upper left corner of Facebook page so as to avoid seeing if any private messages have been sent to me since Thursday...Planning on keeping this up at least until Monday and then decide what to do from there...a lot of this involves trying to learn from past mistakes in previous attempts at relationships with girls I've been interested in...in which being the perpetual delusional, "hopeless romantic" that I tend to be has gotten the best of me....for once, trying to use a "proceed-with-caution" approach...but trying to mentally prepare myself for same results as usual, and trying to accept that "The Flow of the Universe" as I like to call it, may not have led me to meeting her afterall...perhaps it was merely a "flaw" in The Flow of The Universe...I guess that can happen...anyway, important that if this does officially turn out to be disappointing, that I don't let it get me down and depressed...told myself I can handle it this time if this turns out to be nothing,,,but I guess we'll see if that in fact turns out to be the case.....

With apologies off the bad if I come across as being overly self-centered in the wake of the horrific tragedy that occured yesterday....going to visit my Dad soon at the hospital...expected to find out how serious the results of his biopsy are from the tumor they had to remove on his bladder a couple of days ago...doctor told us likely one of several different likely scenarios: might have just been limited to top portion of bladder, and would only have to remove that, supposedly not a big deal, and he would just have to come back every few months to get it checked....or might be bad enough to have whole bladder removed, which would be awful of course and greatly reduce the quality of life my Dad would have to live for the rest of his days...or, even worse, cancer could have spread, which obviously would be the worse-case scenario of them all...doctor seems to think it's likely one of the first two scenarios, and even as awful the idea of having his whole bladder removed would be, obfviously would be preferrable to thecancer having spread...extra worried by this due to bad timing on my part of stumbling across an article about an ex-NFL coach who was recently diagnosed with bladder cancer and has only 6-9 months to live....hoping to G-d that when I get to hospital today that not going to get similar news...that we are not going to have to be a family that is going to somehow have to prepare for a definite end to my Dad's life in the months ahead...don't know how in the hell I or the rest of my family is going to cope with that if that turns out to be the case...always feltthat somehow my family doesn't deal with crisis situations involving family members as well as other familys do...and obviously, no crisis would be worse than this...guess I'll know one way or another shortly after I finish this blog when I leave to go see him....

Saw my Dad earlier this evening at the hospital...he went to the emergency room earlier this morning and is in the ICU...his open heart surgery was a success a couple of weeks ago, but he has not been doing well in his recovery...he's still not feeling anywhere close to better.....and I'm worried about him, more so than I ever have been after my visit with him this evening....in the numerous times I have gone to visit him at the hospital and at his home ever since this all started around the end of October, I somehow never thought the end could really be coming for him soon...was optimistic that he would recover...and never teared up once in fear that I was going to lose him, even though I knew this was serious surgery he was going to undertake, and the fact that he is up there in age making it all that much more scary...Sure, I was worried, but never as much as I was tonight...My sisters had been visiting too, but they left before me, and I was the last person with him before visiting hours were going to end....

He asked me to come close to him...and he asked me to please never make the 100 minute drive to Columbia, Missouri in my own car(I go there several times a year to go see my favorite college football team play, and occasionally a basketball game too) in my car by myself ever again...because he worries something will happen to me..he never said anything like this to me before, but I figured he was thinking in partiuclar about my last trip back from there to St. Louis from Columbia a few weeks ago after a football game, when I drove back at night, and my car hit a dead deer in the road(there was no way to avoid it--saw it literally about a half-second before I hit it, and when I had to pull over to the side of the road to assess the damage to my car, there were about three other cars also on the side of the road who also apparently had the misortune to hit the dead deer)...I told him not to worry, that was just a freak thing that happened, that I've been driving down to these games for years, etc. But then he got emotional, said he has always worried something might happen to me on those drives to and from Columbia because how dangerous the highway can be, and he thinks it gets increasingly dangerous all the time...so he asked that from now on when I go there, go with a friend, and preferably have them drive because he worries about my vision not being good, or something to that effect...

It sounded like a request being made by someone who thinks their life is about to end....and so for the first time in all the weeks he has been ill, I cried...Because I felt like I might never see him again after this night and it's just so hard to see this kind, loving, upbeat man who has been mostly the epitome of good health throughout his life all of a sudden so weakened and depressed ... And it's frustrating because the doctors keep saying everything looks okay with him--his vitals are all good--etc...But...I guess he is just discouraged because he's not getting better as quick as he thinks he should be, or something like that, and it's getting him down and making him think he's never going to get bettter....He's just so down and depressed, and it's so heartbreaking to see him this way....Anyway, I almsot feel like if I-- if he--can just make it though this night and into the morning without a dreaded phonecall to me informing me of the worst possible news, that he will somehow be in the clear....And obviously, that would still be far from a certainty at this point, but...that's how frightened I feel that those were the last words from my father to me....

I don't really know how to end this....but thanks to whomever out there might have read this.

Todd

So...I'm currently trying to solve the riddle of how to survive on $70 for 2 weeks with $635 in rent due, $200 electric bill(accumulated from not being able to afford to pay my previous two electric bills)a $45 phone bill,, and who knows how much money needed for gas to be able to drive anywhere--such as to get to school and to get the place where I am seeing a job counselor twice a week in an effort to, ironically, get a job, and to visit my father in the hospital, to get to school, etc.. Even with the $885/month I am currently getting for disability--of which I don't receive my check until the 3rd Wednesday of the month(and gee, thank you SOOOO MUCH month-of-October for your wonderful timing with your well-placed last -Wednesday-of- the-month in making it FIVE weeks I'll have had to go in between checks as opposed to the normal FOUR!), throw in the extra $125 that I'll have to pay in late fees for paying my rent late upon getting said check, and well,,.you know, as they say, you do the math...

I'm trying to balance all that with various other multiple intertwining, interweaving fear-related issues as well as issues involving heartache(eh, more on that later...maybe)--fear about my father's suddenly ailing health, fear about flunking the one and only class I am taking this semester, fear that I finally won't be able to keep up with my rent and will end up on the streets because of fear that no other apartment complex will take me--not even a cheaper one--because of my abysmal credit rating,...and fear & sadness upon hearing the news from my half brother of a person close to him who recently died at age 45, and whom my half brother kept lamenting was one of those people who "never found his way"...see, regarding that, .I too, at a very late age in life, an age too close to 45, have not "found my way"...and it's scary...and yes, I was saddened by the news, felt bad for my brother over his loss...but selfishly, I was scared,,,because I know people, when describing me, have to be saying the same thing: "Todd is just one of those people who has never found his way"...and I fear that same thing will be said about me when I'm gone, minus the word "has"....

And this whole thing about not having any money for gas in particular is a big deal; sure so is not having money to pay the electric bill, or the possibility of not having a phone, etc. And I'm trying to get myself in the mindset that I can survive without electricity if need be--all those poor people on the east coast who are dealing with the fallout from the that horrific storm are having to do so right now, right?--and trying to mentally prepare myself for how to live without electricity....no phone? I guess I can keep in touch with people via email...but no gas to get anywhere? See, that conflicts with any attempts I'm making in life right now to be someone who ultimately DOES "find his way", for my hopes that I can still do so....because if I don't have gas in my car, I will not be able to drive to the building to meet with my job counselor(I think that's what you call her--it was set up through voc rehab) like I'm supposed to two times a week to get help with finding jobs, help with knowing the right things to put on a resume and job applications, help with interviewing skills, etc. And without gas, I'm not going to be able to go to my class about 15 miles away even if it's only one day a week; the 30 mile round trip adds up(oh, and that's the approx distance to meet with my job counselor too)...so...that's a problem...

But with all this there is disappointment in me that I can't deny...and questioning...disppointment that a "new me" that I was hoping had emerged in recent months--as I did in fact appear to have fought my way through and emerged through a 3-year major depressive funk--one who was going to have a "louder" voice, one who was going to use anger and a "chip-on-his-shoulder" to fuel him if need be, one who was going to not be afraid to stick up for himself and the things I need to do to become happier and lead a more self-fuffiling life to whomever I need to "stick up" to for lack of a better way of putting that--apparently has not done so as much as I thought or hoped for....Why the hell aren't I screaming out to family members and/or friends that could probably afford to help me with some money--telling them that if they want to see me improve my lot in life, I'm going to need some financial assistance to do so--at the very least FREAKING GAS MONEY...why the hell am I apparently not believing that I have the right to at least have a freaking roof over my head and the ability to have light under that roof and so foolishly determined to keep this struggle such a secret--still having that stubborness/fear/ whatever the hell it is so entrenched inside me of going above and beyond to NOT ask anyone, to not bother, anyone for help?...So where did that "new me" go that I thought  and hoped was finally being instilled into me?

And of course, it's making me question myself to the core of my soul, as only I can...quetioning...do I really have the desire to improve my lot in life?....am I just BSing myself and everyone else?.....Is the whole lack-of-money-for-gas thing, am I using it as an excuse because deep down I'm really lazy/underachieving/whatever and not interested in trying?...WHY? WHY? WHY must I ALWAYS QUESTION?!??!?!?...Or...Or am I sincere in wanting to get better, but deep down, that perpetual nemesis of mine-- fear-- is getting in the way again?... Fear that if I do get a job again, it will lead to another breakdown follwed by another horrific spell of depression since this is what happened in the last job I had...fear that I can't pass this freaking astronomy class because I am truly--I mean LITERALLY--retarded/mentally deficient/whatever when it comes to science courses and that no matter how hard I try(I falied the mid-term test with flying colors) this astronomy sh*t is not going to sink into my head--as so many science courses have proven unable to do throughout my schooling years.. fear that if I DO in fact pass the class,I I'm still not going to be sure what direction I'll want to go in from there in terms of my academic goals (it was supposed to be, for now, just to FINALLY get my associate's degree, but of course I'm having trouble staying focused on that goal for whatever reasons)..

.I  CANNOT get discouraged that efforts have yet to pay off--I MUST keep trying, and I must keep repeating the mantra to myself "If I just keep trying, good things are going to happen eventually".. I mean, that IS what I have to do, right?....Just like I can't discouraged that even though two recent seperate efforts to finally land a potential freaking date for the first time in ages failed(this would be the "heartache" thing I referred to earlier) that doesn't mean future efforts won't pay off , and that there won't be success in that area in the future., does NOT mean that I am condemned to a life without love,  etc.  Oh, regarding that, one of those potential efforts involved a girl who sought ME out initially via Facebook--she was a total stranger who somehow became aware of me and messaged me out of nowhere expressing a desire to get to know me--only to apparently lose interest in me when I made the foolish mistake of letting her know that I was in the process of finally recovering in recent months from a severe bout of depression..the other,,,eh, maybe I'll explain it later; this blog is dragging on too long as it is....

So...that's where I stand right now, in the middle of a crisis, one I didn't see coming,,,and on top of that, I'm worried about my Dad...a routine procedure he was supposed to go in for about two weeks ago resulted in him instead going to the emergency room because of him having severe difficulty in breathing, which led to him being hospitalized for a week...he's going to have to have open heart surgery soon it turns out..he's been the epitome of someone in good health all of these years--always careful about what he eats, etc never in the hospital for anything serious before this, etc. But now, his heart is acting up, and he's up there in age. and I'm worried about him, I love him, and I know he can't live forever, but I'm not ready for him to go--no one in my family is...(So this is also why I'm not going to bother my mother to see if she can't make her monthly "donation" to me as she usually does this time of the month-- to help me out just a little bit with some of the $ issues--she's too consumed with my father right now--understandably so--and I certainly can't be selfish and complain to her about financial difficulites with all this going on with him...ANd in addition, she hasn't been able to help me out as much with the $ situation in the last couple of months as she was previously anyway, citing financial issues of her own, so I was tryiing to mentally prepare myself anyway to not get any further help from her knowing this)

I don't know--maybe I deserve this predicament for not having a job? For not making enough of an effort to get one ever since I have finally felt better enough to even CONSIDER the idea of getting one again? ...Well, regardless of whether I do or not, you'll have to parden me if I'm going to try not to beat myself up over that....one thing I have finally learned in recent years is that beating myself up throughout the years like I always have has gotten me nowhere...anyway, that's it for now. Thank you kindly to anyone who took the time to read.

Todd

So anyway, this is the "state of me" right now, and I'm sorry if all the kicking and screaming is too much...yes, I know I'm supposed to take responsibility for a good portion of this, but I've been notorious for overdoing it in terms of beating myself up for years for everything that I did wrong, and that approach has gotten me nowhere and in fact I have been told has only made things worse for me, so I have to be careful in that regard too....

Thanks for letting me vent.

Love, Todd

How come it seems like no one is ever on this site anymore?!? Christ, am I the only one left in the world with freaking anxiety?!?

From blog written on 9/5/12: The person who usually helps me pay my rent--as my disability that I'm currently on is not quite enough to cover it with living expenses--I didn't hear from her today--this being the day rhe rent is due....So, this could be the beginning of a downward spiral that I was so fearful might occur if this were to ever happen....I'll elaborate more later....all I ask is for the strength to handle the adversity, for this to somehow not set me off into a whole new world of anxiety and depression....we shall see.

9/7/12 And,,,,still haven't heard from her....so looks like I'm on my own...guess I had this coming....my fault for not getting another job yet since I lost my previous one during the darkest days of my breakdown....So, went to the landlord yesterday, with only half my payment; told her I'd pay her the other half a week from Tuesday when I get my disability check...However, that will also mean an additional $125 in late fees that I will have to pay at that time....So....that will be a total of $760 I will have to pay.....subtract that from $884(amount I will get for disability); assuming I won't be getting the help with paying my rent any longer, that will leave a grand total of..(drumroll please:) $124 for me to survive on for the month!...Wonderful!...Now, I should say it could be a little more than that...MIGHT get an extra $100 from disability--as I was approved for "extra help" from them--something I had to apply for after they started automatically deducting $100 a month for Medicaid staring a couple of months ago; Extra Help means, among other things, I think, that I will get that $100 from them again--at least I think it will; I don't know, the whole thing confuses the hell out of me.....And there's the possibility that I might have a couple hundred dollars more if I manage to save a couple hundred bucks or so out of the few hundred dollars I currently have in my checking account(will depend on how much more this month I have to pay for bills, gas, etc)...So anyway, it might be a little more than $124...we'll see...

How am I feeling about all of this?... DIsappointed, of course...and angry...REALLY angry(which, actually, if I have to choose, I'll take feelingg angry over feeling depressed and/or extreme anxiety over the matter).....

Angry that this person didn't bother to warn me ahead of time that she wasn't going to help me out with the rent anymore so I could have planned accordingly...angry that she must be assuming that since I've showed signs of being "better" in recent months that that must automatically mean that I'm okay enough to get a job, and if I haven't gotten one yet, it must mean that I'm not trying to....well guess what? It DOESN'T mean that I am better, or at least THAT MUCH better to go back to work!!!....I applied to places...and I could feel depression/anxiety wanting to surge over me JUST FROM TUNRING IN THE APPLICATIONS....I went to a volunteer orientation thing at the library--was going to try that..nevermind that it turned out to be something totally different than what they advertised it to be, but I felt depression/anxiety JUST BEING AT THAT ORIENTATION...so, based on these things, I unfortunately have no choice but to think, no, I'm NOT FREAKING READY to go back to work!!!!....I might be doing better with everything else--I don't lay in bed all day anymore; I keep myself busy--doing things again that I enjoyed doing that I had little or not interest in doing when the depression was at it's worst; I decided to go back to school(even though I'm beginning to be a little worried about that, of course!!! But I'll babble about that some other day); I'm exercising again for the first time in three years); but obviously, I am still NOT QUITE READY to go back to work, and I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO BE FREAKING PUNISHED FOR THAT, not looked at as some freaking "underachiever" who's just not making an effort to get a job...I HAD A FREAKING BREAKDOWN; I had to check into the hospital FOUR TIMES in a span of a year....Did I ask for that?!? Did I enjoy it?!?...Did I do it just for kicks?!?...HELL NO I DIDN'T....and if she,and anyone else, can't understand why I feel I need to be so careful if I'm going to work again--so careful to find just the right job that won't trigger a major depressivbe breakdown like I had at my previous job, well, than, what can I do except tp say to hell with them?!??...And just be perpetually pissed off that they don't understand?!?....

Oh, am I not taking enough responsibility for myself on this?!?...Perhaps I'm not, but beating myself up over and over again throughout the years certainly didn't get me anywhere either....And yes, even though this is hard for me because of these f!@#ing demons of depression and anxiety that I have to endlessly battle, no, that doesn't mean I shouldn't try...And no one knows that I've also been going to a voc rehab counselor to try to find some way that we can get me back to work for a part-time job for now at least(that is assuming I haven't screwed THAT up; I missed my appointment to go there yesterday; called the voc rehab counselor and left a message on her vm that I wasn't going to be able to make it; told her I want to reschedule. Haven't heard back from her. Maybe she thinks that because I've rescheduled appointments with her a couple of times previously that I'm not really interested in their help.. That's certainly not the case...but maybe...she's making an assumption; maybe she's angry with me about the cancelation on such short notice; maybe she threw in the towel on me; well... I hope not, but I guess I have no one but myself to blame if that's the case...)

I am NOT going to force myself to take a job just because she and everyone else are pressuring me to work again and assuming I'm just not trying--I have a HISTORY of working hard--I've even worked TWO FREAKING jobs simaltaneuosly at two different times in my life at no one's urging to do so!!!!....So I don't have to question my willingness to work, and to work hard for that matter--and neither should they!!!...They want me to get a job already, huh?...I am NOT going to force myself to work someplace if I can sense depression and anxiety are going to overtake me AGAIN; I am NOT going to go through that hell again....

So fine, she doesn't have to help me with my rent--I'll scrape by somehow; whatever I have to do--I'll have to be aparment-bound for the most part(can't afford to be driving around any more than I have to with gas prices being what they are these days, right?), will get by on mostly TV dinners I suppose; will have to cut down substantially on doing things I enjoy like going to the movies and visiting friends whom live in the city--if not wipe all of that out completely, and will have to hope that being forced to be stuck in my apartment doesn't lead me down to another horrific bout of depression in and of itself.... and if I don't/can't scrape by, and it gets to the point that they're going to have to kick me out because I can't keep up with the rent?!?...Well, I'll jump off that bridge when I get to it, maybe even liteterally....

I'm also very angry at me with all of this, but no, not because that I'm in this predicament; not going to beat myself up over that kind of s!@t anymore....but angry that I don't have the apparent guts to call her myself and get the official word from her on why she's not going to help me anymore...even though I already know the reason why, I feel it's still somehow gutless of me to not discuss it with her...yeah, yeah, I know--I don't deal witb confrontations well, especially with her; well you know what??? I should LEARN to deal with them!...

Anger, so much anger with me lately; but that's fine-give me anger and resentment ANY DAY over feeling miserable and depressed; not saying anger and resentment are good qualities to have--far from it--but, yeah, if I HAVE to be stuck with any of those emotions--than yeah, I'll choose anger....Been a bad week: Earlier in the week, just after losing my best pair of sunglasses, I discover that I have locked myself out of my sister's house where I was dogsitting....That meant having to pay a locksmith $125 to get me inside....which, in turn means, there goes my "scalper savings", ie money I was going to use to attempt to buy a ticket from a scalper to see my beloved Missouri Tigers play tomorrow in one of the biggest games ever in their history since my friend is not going to have a ticket for me like he sometimes has.....but not now(yeah, you want to call that a misguided priority anyway with how much little income I have? You can do that, but also know this: attending games there is one of my favorite pastimes that I have been doing for some 20 years now, makes me feel happy when I go there, "rejuvenates me" and breathes life into my soul--no, no, not just the game, but everything about it: the roadtrip there and back from STL to Columbia; walking around the beautiful campus; the tailgating; having a good time being around friends, that gorgeous shining jewlel of a stadium--in other words, I see attending these games as VITAL to my mental health!..),and I suppose ESPECIALLY not now since I'm on my own paying my rent....so I'm angry about that now..and jealous(yeah, I know; jealousy another bad quality. I'm flawed--I ADMIT IT) that friends who used to laugh at me for years for being such a devoted fan back when the football program was miserable and losing games left and right and when I would show up to the stardium and practically have the whole place to myself--well. of course they got on the bandwagon when things started going good in recent years, and now they have comfortable enough lifestyles where they can afford season tickets and they go to all the games while I'm stuck at home if my freind doesn't have a ticket for me or I can't afford to scrape up enough $ to pay for a ticket myself....And I gave a freaking damn about this team way before they ever did...IT JUST DOESN'T SEEM FAIR--yeah, I know, LIFE isn't fair--so this is my kicking and screaming and pouting..hey, I'm just letting off steam here, okay?...I'm certainly NOT SAYING I'm right or hat it's admirable or mature to be having these kinds of feelings!...

Look. all I ask for is the stregnth to handle the adversity...all I ask for is that this doesn't send me spiraling downward into a whole new realm of depression and anxiety attacks...that's all I ask for....I hope that's not asking for too much...and if it is...well, hopefuly, I can do what I have to do to battle it, including getting the help of the often very kind and caring people on this site c to help me get through it...It can't send me down that path again...IT WON'T, even if it means being an angry @-hole to prevent it from happening....