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VIEWING 1 - 10 OUT OF 22 TOTAL
i'm baaaaack!
DATE: Jul 24 2007, 8:31 pm / MOOD: Happy
hello everyone! ive been rather busy and i decided to say hi to everyone as a whole instead of individually. i missed this site sooo much. i've been living in a hotel with no internet for months...but i just moved in to my own place...which is great. im working 40 hours a week and feeling less anxiety everyday....also...i got engaged. so life is pretty damn good. i hope anyone who actually cares gets in touch with me and i'll do the same...i missed everyone terribly... View Entry | Leave A Comment
au revoir for a while
DATE: May 29 2007, 6:05 pm / MOOD: Sad
just wanted to say...to anyone who cares... that i won't have a computer for a few weeks...my bf has to go up north for a while and i use his...so goodbye for a while. i'll miss everyone. believe me, i will. see ya later alll View Entry | Leave A Comment
Oh HAPPY Day!!!!!
DATE: May 19 2007, 6:33 pm / MOOD: Happy
wow. i got a new car. a new used car. last year i totaled my honda passport ONE MONTH after i bought it...and was forced to drive my grandmother's 85 Oldsmobile Delta 88....for a while. and it was no fun. guzzzzzled gas with its big V8 and it was hard to drive. but now...now...my lovely and wonderful father bought me a 98 Saturn SC2....cherry red. i am a bit OCD though, i hate red. i wont wear it or buy anything in that color. but i'm getting over it quite quickly. my beautiful sporty little gas-saver...complete with sunroof and cd player. oh...how happy i am on today of all days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! View Entry | Leave A Comment
?
DATE: May 09 2007, 8:37 pm / MOOD: Don't know
1. When you woke up today, you thought...
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venting!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DATE: May 07 2007, 6:44 pm / MOOD: Sad
this is just some good old fashioned venting. maybe it will help. i'm f@cking hoping it will...because i'm at a point of mental breakdown. i thought going back on meds would do me good...but this prozac is making me more depressed and suicidal than ive been in a long long time. maybe its not the medication, but the fact i keep drinking alcohol and smoking pot occasionally. i know i need to stop on both...but lately its been hard. my bf keeps asking me to go hang out with his friends...and even my friends...and i get so nervous that i want to drink. i want to smoke. so i can relax and fit in with everyone else there. i dont want to do it anymore though, i really dont. i just want to stay in and be healthy...the drinking doesnt help my weight-loss either. ive been at a stand-still for weeks...havent lost anything. yet i still work out everyday and drink so much water i'm pissing every five seconds...taking my weight loss pills and eating vegetables and not much else. i cant bring myself to like who i am. every second i'm hating on myself. and if you loathe yourself to the core, nothing looks good. the future, the present, the past. i'm just so sick of it all. i'm sick of my family and of never suceeding in anything. i am a garbage human being. i do nothing, yet i'm stressed out. havent gone to college. got no job. leech off my bf....leech off f anyone who will let me. so how can i try to be positive? people might say, well if you dont like yourself, then change. well, ive tried to change my body. lost 20 lbs...but im still fat. i still have zits. i still have a cleft chin and split ends and scars all over myself. cant change it. can't change sh*t. i try to change the way i act, but if i didnt leech i'd have nothing. if i start doing things i freak out and panic, and cry and get scared. i just want to go away...into a mental house. i really do. i'm at that point. but it wont change a thing. i'm starting to believe that people cannot change. it is impossible. i will be this way for the rest of my life. so why prolong it? bahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh View Entry | Leave A Comment
and a-blah-dee-dah
DATE: Apr 29 2007, 10:01 pm / MOOD: Bored
1. What time did you get up this morning? 10:30ish
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child abuse/effects
DATE: Apr 27 2007, 11:41 pm / MOOD: Bored
lately ive been thinking alot...which is a constant...but LATELY ive been thinking about myself a bit more...and who i am. i can't figure it out. i am so many things that contradict each other, it doesnt make sense. i was watching an episode of law and order SVU a few weeks ago...and there were two abused children that the detectives were working with..(trying to find their abuser). the shrink..dr.wong...lol...well he talked to them and one child was violent and cold-hearted and defiant...and the other was...extremely loving, overly affectionate and clingy...wanting the detectives to take her home with them. after the sessions with the kids...the detectives were puzzled why the two children were so different...and then dr.wong explained it. when an infant is neglected, abused, ignored, not given any love or affection...two things can happen as it grows...it will either give up on love and caring and lash-out, not trusting anyone at all....or it will over-compensate for what it lacks...and search for love everywhere...becoming extremely affectionate and searching for praise, or positive attention. after watching this my mind started racing...and i wondered if maybe that is why i am who i am. i am not the first example...but the second. i think that is how all my social anxiety started. searching for love and being overly sweet, wanting to always please and change myself to suit who i am with...never getting angry with anyone for hurting me...just wanting them to like me...not causing any problems. after many years of this i got hurt so often, was rejected so often, that i retreated. i became scared that people wouldnt like me, so i decided to never make myself available to these "people". needless to say...i was abused/neglected in this manner and it has affected me. and i dont like it. i dont want to be this way. i never ever EVER feel happy unless people like me. and by people, i mean anyone. maybe thats why in the past ive had very low standards about who my friends are, or my lovers. i didnt care who they were, just as long as they liked me. crazy stuff. well, i guess thats all.just thought i'd share that interesting theory...in case anyone else has been abused at a very early age and is now wondering what it might have done to them, or how it affected them... View Entry | Leave A Comment
?????????
DATE: Apr 24 2007, 10:10 pm / MOOD: Other
pills in the tummy=vomit in the toilet blood and saliva all mixed up cocktail for ingestion and a pretty lacey undergarment tangled in the blades of fan spinnning round the ceiling summer's gone and come again i dont know what im feeling but hopeless little trickles of disappointment seem to fill me and everyone thats gathered leaves me loveless their shoes attack my face View Entry | Leave A Comment
if you are bored...do this!
DATE: Apr 23 2007, 10:31 pm / MOOD: Bored
And do it also if you love me...or even if you dont. but i would like it. Well here are 55 I guarantee you've never answered.
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beer bottle blues experiment
DATE: Apr 18 2007, 2:20 pm / MOOD: Bored
i'm desperately pathetic like a razor shard of glass laying among the trash in the alley, dark and foamy gleaming in the moonlight some discarded diamond but never will the jeweler's hand grace my shabby form instead i will be melted down and made back into sand by men in orange jumpsuits who hurl me through the furnace or shifted by the howling wind and carried to the ocean created into a collectible to children on other shores but what pains me most of late is the absence of my lover at a time when i was whole he held me awful close a bottle cap, that's all he was massaged me with aluminum touch cool metal making shivers he never went astray until that moment, not long ago when a grimy finger peeled him off consuming all i held inside to feel some joy and then vomit my only love, my dearest friend left on the garbage littered floor and i was dropped from the open window empty, i shattered clean. View Entry | Leave A Comment
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