VIEWING 1 - 10 OUT OF 22 TOTAL
DATE: Jul 24 2007, 8:31 pm / MOOD: Happy
hello everyone! ive been rather busy and i decided to say hi to everyone as a whole instead of individually. i missed this site sooo much. i've been living in a hotel with no internet for months...but i just moved in to my own place...which is great. im working 40 hours a week and feeling less anxiety everyday....also...i got engaged. so life is pretty damn good. i hope anyone who actually cares gets in touch with me and i'll do the same...i missed everyone terribly...
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au revoir for a while
DATE: May 29 2007, 6:05 pm / MOOD: Sad
just wanted to say...to anyone who cares... that i won't have a computer for a few weeks...my bf has to go up north for a while and i use his...so goodbye for a while. i'll miss everyone. believe me, i will. see ya later alll
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Oh HAPPY Day!!!!!
DATE: May 19 2007, 6:33 pm / MOOD: Happy
wow. i got a new car. a new used car. last year i totaled my honda passport ONE MONTH after i bought it...and was forced to drive my grandmother's 85 Oldsmobile Delta 88....for a while. and it was no fun. guzzzzzled gas with its big V8 and it was hard to drive. but now...now...my lovely and wonderful father bought me a 98 Saturn SC2....cherry red. i am a bit OCD though, i hate red. i wont wear it or buy anything in that color. but i'm getting over it quite quickly. my beautiful sporty little gas-saver...complete with sunroof and cd player. oh...how happy i am on today of all days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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DATE: May 09 2007, 8:37 pm / MOOD: Don't know
1. When you woke up today, you thought...
i can't breathe through my nose....water....please...
2. Who will give you your next kiss?
3. What's a word that rhymes with "DUCK"?
4. Favorite type of food?
5. Who is the 4th person on your missed/recieved call list?
6. What is your favorite ring on your phone?
eleanor rigby...piano version
7. What shirt are you wearing?
a black tee with a white drumset on it
8. What were you doing 20 minutes ago?
i was smoking a cigarette i believe..
9.What are you going to do tomorrow?
fill out an application for a job at a puppy kennel...hang out with leah
10. Bright or Dark Room?
i prefer dim
12. If you're in a room with two beds, which one do you pick?
the one farther from the door
13. What were you doing at midnight last night?
15. How do you like your eggs..?
i dont really like them...but omlettes are okay...with cheese and peppers
16. What's a word/phrase that you say a lot?
oy vey maria. or everyone and there mom is here
17. Who told you he/she loved you last?
18. Last furry thing you touched?
hoey, joey's sister's cat
19. How many drugs have you done in the last three days?
20. How many rolls of film do you have to develop?
21. Favorite age you have been so far?
22. Your worst enemy?
23. What is your current desktop picture?
microsoft grassy knoll
24. What was the last thing you said to someone?
did he leave?
25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to
What the hell was that?
26. Do you like steak?
27. The last song you listened to?
uh uh gouge away by the pixies
29. If you could punch 1 person in the face, who would it be?
Dr. Phil or my mother....or maybe an ex
30. What is the closest object to your left foot?
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DATE: May 07 2007, 6:44 pm / MOOD: Sad
this is just some good old fashioned venting. maybe it will help. i'm f@cking hoping it will...because i'm at a point of mental breakdown. i thought going back on meds would do me good...but this prozac is making me more depressed and suicidal than ive been in a long long time. maybe its not the medication, but the fact i keep drinking alcohol and smoking pot occasionally. i know i need to stop on both...but lately its been hard. my bf keeps asking me to go hang out with his friends...and even my friends...and i get so nervous that i want to drink. i want to smoke. so i can relax and fit in with everyone else there. i dont want to do it anymore though, i really dont. i just want to stay in and be healthy...the drinking doesnt help my weight-loss either. ive been at a stand-still for weeks...havent lost anything. yet i still work out everyday and drink so much water i'm pissing every five seconds...taking my weight loss pills and eating vegetables and not much else. i cant bring myself to like who i am. every second i'm hating on myself. and if you loathe yourself to the core, nothing looks good. the future, the present, the past. i'm just so sick of it all. i'm sick of my family and of never suceeding in anything. i am a garbage human being. i do nothing, yet i'm stressed out. havent gone to college. got no job. leech off my bf....leech off f anyone who will let me. so how can i try to be positive? people might say, well if you dont like yourself, then change. well, ive tried to change my body. lost 20 lbs...but im still fat. i still have zits. i still have a cleft chin and split ends and scars all over myself. cant change it. can't change sh*t. i try to change the way i act, but if i didnt leech i'd have nothing. if i start doing things i freak out and panic, and cry and get scared. i just want to go away...into a mental house. i really do. i'm at that point. but it wont change a thing. i'm starting to believe that people cannot change. it is impossible. i will be this way for the rest of my life. so why prolong it? bahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
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DATE: Apr 29 2007, 10:01 pm / MOOD: Bored
1. What time did you get up this morning? 10:30ish
2. Diamonds or pearls? ehh neither
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? disturbia...very good BTW
4. What is your favorite TV show? america's next top model...twilight zone...shear genius
5. What do you usually have for breakfast? nothing...i dont do breakfast
6. What is your middle name? Jean
7. What food do you dislike? water chesnuts
8. What is your favorite CD at the moment? hmm been listening to the royal tenenbaums soundtrack alot
9. What kind of car do you drive? oldsmobile delta 88...its oldskooool
10. Favorite sandwich? turkey with lettuce and tomato :D
11. What characteristic do you despise? arrogance
12. Favorite item of clothing? i love my comfy jean capri's
13. If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go? Russia...or Australia
14. What color is your bathroom? black, white and light pink
15. Favorite brand of clothing? don't really care but...if i was rich i'd buy alot of betsy johnson
16. Where would you retire to? i'm low class i'll never retire "to" anywhere, i'll die in an old folks home with no air conditioning...if i'm lucky
17. What was your most memorable birthday? um..when i turned 6..my mom painted disney characters on huge plywood cutouts and i had the coolest looking set-up
18. Favorite sport to watch? football
19.How many pillows do you sleep with? 1
20.do you like the smell of gasoline? Yes
21.have you ever cut down a tree? no...thats sad mannn
22. Favorite saying? f@ck me..instead of f@ck you...not in a sexual way thanks
23. When is your birthday? february 13th
24. Are you a morning person or a night person? night
25. What is your shoe size? 10
26. Pets? my cat syd vicious...
27. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with us? i get my highschool diploma soon! wooooo!
28. What did you want to be when you were little? An inventor, and then a singer
29. What are you doing today? i did alot of nothing
30. What is your favorite candy? hmmm. i try not to think about candy...but i enjoy myself some reeses fastbreak
31. What is your favorite flower? amaryllis
32. What is a day on the calendar you are looking forward to? dunno...the future is open-ended...but next year...february 13th...i'll be able to buy alcohol...so thats cool.
33. What church do you attend? None.
34. What is your full name? Alyssa Jean Chiarolanza. try to say that one. haha
35. What are you listening to right now? animal planet..something about penguins
36. What was the last thing you ate? an olive
37. Do you wish on stars? nope.
38. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? i would be yellow green.
39. How is the weather right now? cool
40. Last person you spoke to on the phone? uh joey
41.can you draw? i do okay
42. Favorite soft drink? can't drink it...but mountain dew baja blast
43. Favorite restaurant? shogun...best japanese food ever
44. Hair color? brown
45. Sibling? half sister, traci
46. Favorite day of the year? halloween for sure
47. What was your favorite toy as a child? wow, barbies, my lion king action figures and playset...playdoh...and the dirt and sticks and stuff outside always made nice props. ha
48. Summer or winter? fall
49. Hugs or kisses? right now hugs
50. Chocolate or Vanilla? Chocolate.
51. Do you keep notebooks from past years of school? no, only notebooks with my poetry
52. When was the last time you cried? i dont recall..
53. What is under your bed? a pair of shoes
54. Who is the friend you have had the longest? bill
55. What did you do last night? got drunk and stoned with leah ...tom and pat and the bf
56. Favorite smell? hmm. jasmine
57. What are you afraid of? spiders, responsibility, feelings
58. Plain, buttered, or salted Popcorn? salted
59. How many keys on your key ring? 6
60. How many years at your current job? unemployed, ive spent a year and 3 months at that though. ha
61. Favorite day of the week? wednesday...my shows are on :D
62. How many towns have you lived in? 6 or 7
63. Do you make friends easily? nah
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DATE: Apr 27 2007, 11:41 pm / MOOD: Bored
lately ive been thinking alot...which is a constant...but LATELY ive been thinking about myself a bit more...and who i am. i can't figure it out. i am so many things that contradict each other, it doesnt make sense. i was watching an episode of law and order SVU a few weeks ago...and there were two abused children that the detectives were working with..(trying to find their abuser). the shrink..dr.wong...lol...well he talked to them and one child was violent and cold-hearted and defiant...and the other was...extremely loving, overly affectionate and clingy...wanting the detectives to take her home with them. after the sessions with the kids...the detectives were puzzled why the two children were so different...and then dr.wong explained it. when an infant is neglected, abused, ignored, not given any love or affection...two things can happen as it grows...it will either give up on love and caring and lash-out, not trusting anyone at all....or it will over-compensate for what it lacks...and search for love everywhere...becoming extremely affectionate and searching for praise, or positive attention. after watching this my mind started racing...and i wondered if maybe that is why i am who i am. i am not the first example...but the second. i think that is how all my social anxiety started. searching for love and being overly sweet, wanting to always please and change myself to suit who i am with...never getting angry with anyone for hurting me...just wanting them to like me...not causing any problems. after many years of this i got hurt so often, was rejected so often, that i retreated. i became scared that people wouldnt like me, so i decided to never make myself available to these "people". needless to say...i was abused/neglected in this manner and it has affected me. and i dont like it. i dont want to be this way. i never ever EVER feel happy unless people like me. and by people, i mean anyone. maybe thats why in the past ive had very low standards about who my friends are, or my lovers. i didnt care who they were, just as long as they liked me. crazy stuff. well, i guess thats all.just thought i'd share that interesting theory...in case anyone else has been abused at a very early age and is now wondering what it might have done to them, or how it affected them...
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DATE: Apr 24 2007, 10:10 pm / MOOD: Other
pills in the tummy=vomit in the toilet
blood and saliva all mixed up
cocktail for ingestion
and a pretty lacey undergarment
tangled in the blades of fan
spinnning round the ceiling
summer's gone and come again
i dont know what im feeling
but hopeless little trickles
seem to fill me
and everyone thats gathered
leaves me loveless
their shoes attack my face
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if you are bored...do this!
DATE: Apr 23 2007, 10:31 pm / MOOD: Bored
And do it also if you love me...or even if you dont. but i would like it. Well here are 55 I guarantee you've never answered.
1. Describe your ex in one word?
latest ex...dirty. that describes him in every way.
2. Do you have a favorite type of pen?
3. Did you know that May 16th is National Piercing Day?
No. but now i have plans for that day :P
4. What does the 4th text in your inbox say?
WTF...i don't feel good...f@ck you (haha)
5. What was the last thing you highlighted?
the last answer to this question..and deleted it!
6. What color are your bedroom curtains?
i dont have curtains...just white blinds :(
7. What color are the seats in your car?
8. Have you ever had a black and white cat?
9. What is the last thing you put a stamp on?
who knows...oh...a birthday card for my grandmother
10. Do you know anyone who lives in Wyoming?
11. Why did you withdraw cash from the ATM the last time?
never have...no bank account
12. Who was the last baby you held?
my little sister. i dont like holding babies...i get nervous
13. Do you know of any twins with rhyming names?
14. Do you like Cinnamon toothpaste?
its alright...i prefer minty fresh
15. What kind of Car were you driving 2 years ago?
my 89 ford bronco II...the beastly truck that i destroyed lol
16. Pick one: Miami Hurricanes or Florida Gators?
17. Last time you went to Six Flags?
18. Do you have any wallpaper in your house?
yup...the kitchen..and the bathroom
19. Closest thing to you that is yellow?
a bottle of styling gel
20. Last person to give you a business card?
my bf...his new card :D
21. Who is the last person you wrote a check to?
bahhh NO BANK ACCOUNT lol
22. Closest framed picture to you?
its a pic of me i gave my bf lol
23. Last time you had someone cook for you?
um..hmmm. joey did a couple weeks ago
24. What did they cook for you?
steak i think
25. How many emails do you have?
i dont knowww
26. Last time you received flowers?
i dont recall
27. Do you think the sanctity of marriage is meant for only a man & woman?
28. Do you play air guitar?
29. Name the people who like to show you their "naughty" piercings?
some girl i used to work with..
30. Do you take anything in your coffee?
a little milk...sugar
31. Do you have any willow tree figurines?
no....what is that?
32. What was your high school's rival mascot??
uhh i dont know lol
33. Last person you spoke to from high school??
34. Last time you used hand sanitizer?
35. Would you like to learn to play the drums?
36. What color are the blinds in your living room?
37. Would you let gay Mickey PIMP you out on eSellOut.com?
38. Last thing you read in the newspaper?
39. What was the last pageant you attended?
talent show '04...i was in
40. What is the last place you bought pizza from?
papa johns i believe
41. Have you ever worn a crown?
uh yes...when i was 6
42. What is the last thing you stapled?
haha i dont know
43. Did you ever drink clear Pepsi?
44. Are you ticklish?
yes...very much so
45. Last time you saw fireworks?
they scare me :(....4th of july...reluctantly
46. Last time you had a Krispy Kreme doughnut?
47. Who is the last person that left you a message & you actually responded back?
48. Last time you parked under a carport?
a few days ago...i ahve one :D
49. Do you have a black dog?
50. Do you have pickles in your fridge?
51. Are you an aunt or uncle?
no..my sis is ten lol
52. Who has the nicest eyes that you know?
umm..bill i think
53. Last time you saw a semi truck?
54. Do you remember Ugly Kid Joe?
55. Do you have a "notice me" part on your body?
prolly my huge boobs that i'd like to chop off lol
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beer bottle blues experiment
DATE: Apr 18 2007, 2:20 pm / MOOD: Bored
i'm desperately pathetic
like a razor shard of glass
laying among the trash
in the alley, dark and foamy
gleaming in the moonlight
some discarded diamond
but never will the jeweler's hand
grace my shabby form
instead i will be melted down
and made back into sand
by men in orange jumpsuits
who hurl me through the furnace
or shifted by the howling wind
and carried to the ocean
created into a collectible
to children on other shores
but what pains me most of late
is the absence of my lover
at a time when i was whole
he held me awful close
a bottle cap, that's all he was
massaged me with aluminum touch
cool metal making shivers
he never went astray
until that moment, not long ago
when a grimy finger peeled him off
consuming all i held inside
to feel some joy
and then vomit
my only love, my dearest friend
left on the garbage littered floor
and i was dropped
from the open window
i shattered clean.
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