Anxiety Self Help

DATE: Aug 03 2009, 8:21 pm / MOOD: Don't know

Not sure where to begin. I hate that line. So part of this may be a free-write as my therapist suggested. Basically, I'm violating the "contract" set forth in my group therapy. I have had a few conversations outside the group and as well as went for pizza one night after group. I'm feeling guilty for a few reasons. I feel like I'm doing myself a disservice now. I should be following the rules and focusing on myself. It is disrupting my interaction and overwell wellbeing in the group. I told my individual therapist, but I refuse to tell the group one. Because I don't know to create a rift or distrust in the group and because I promised the girl I wouldn't tell. I'm done breaking promises and not keeping things to myself. Sure in this case it involves my wellbeing. But what we did was harmless. Just vented about the group. I'm going to distantance myself from her. Not iniate conversation after the group ends. I don't any personal info about her so I feel like I didn't violate all the conditions. They were set in place for a reason and I realize that truly now. I just needed to vent about this somewhere. So it doesn't eat me up inside. Because if I tell the group ther. he'll want me to tell the group and then we all discuss and I don't think its a huge deal now I'm nipping it in the bud. It may not be the best plan, but its the best I've got and can live with.

 

Ya that's my drama.

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DATE: Jul 26 2009, 4:56 pm / MOOD: Disappointed

I have an aunt dying a rare brain tumer. I just found out, literally from my aunt and grandma talking that he cheated on her twice and they he can't wait to see her go. At least that was there interpretation. This was before the tumer, not sure if it happened during the past couple of years. The way he's treated her has been horrible, most of all I feel horrible for my younger cousins. I always was undecided about my uncle, I've known him for most of my life. Sometime he could be really nice, then other times became a controlling jerk. No wonder my family has been picking up all the slack. We don't abandon the ones we love. If your not there emotionally, you might as well not be there at all.

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DATE: Jul 20 2009, 9:30 pm / MOOD: Sad

I had a session with my therapist tonight. Talked about me being afraid to deal with my feelings and how that fear is the real danger to me. I talked about my aunt who is dying. I put my emotions on hold, its automatic. No I wasn't particulary close with her, but close enough. She's my aunt. I love her like all I love all my family. She's too young, and its so unfair.

My shoulders feel so heavy. I don't need anyone's sympathy. It doesn't comfort me. People think you're automitically are going to break down and become weak in this type of situation if you are already senstive to begin with. I've gotten myself through everything else in my life. When I want to share the burden I will.

I've been thinking about a story I want to write, in the genre of young adult fiction. About a girl who's struggling with depression. The idea it shaped into was a young teenage girl has visions of people dying around her, only she thinks them to be horrible nightmares. When her own mother dies, she can't take it. I told this to my therapist and a friend. Now I'm not so sure it's the right story to tell. It needs to be right. I'm addicted to fear, angst, strong emotions. My ideal would be to write something a book in similar fashion to Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson. The more you read, the better write you can become. I just need the right idea. I keep going back to depression. Maybe I need to to just simply it, like in Ordinary People.

Any opinions?

I have other things I need to discuss.

I'm tired of thinking that part of me is better than others. I don't mean to do it, and I berate myself for it. Is it just human nature? Maybe I'm just a hypocrite and have a hard time accepting that.

I work on my fanfiction stories or anything else when I have so much weighing on my mind. Everything gets put on hold until I feel 'okay' overall. Where I feel like I now give myself permission to work on something once I stop worrying about some things.

Dave Matthews Band usually helps me to feel better. :) Even just a little bit is great.

I have a job to apply for before I do anything else.

My other worry is just sitting here and gaining weight. Yes I am overweight. Now extremely, but enough to make me uncomfortable. I steadily have since I was 10 years old. My aunt described me as solid, but never heavy. Then I got so depressed I wanted to die. My anxiety was unbearable. I couldn't stand myself. That's how I graduated highschool and started the rest of my life. I actively planned killing myself by the time I ended college.

I was so anxious. I discovered at lunch. If I just wolfed down my food, I got an instant rush. So I needed more until I was uncomfortably full. Then I'd go home. I get whatever change I could find and go to the deli down the street. I got a whole collection of stuff, snuck it home and just wolfed that down.

This pattern just continued. Until I realized, I am just so worthless, my life is going nowhere. Eat more, eat until your sick. At least it makes you feel better in that moment.

Now a few years later. I've started becoming active. I like hiking. I like biking, but don't do much because its too strenous. I want to go white water rafting. I want to spend more time in the outdoors. Not in a tent, because I'm just too much of a wimp. But I'd love to do long hiking trips, climbing, etc.

Like I said in a previous blog, I started my own beginner hiking group on meetup. It's going well. Right now, I can't go hiking because I had surgery. So I can't even exercise for probably another week or so. I'm going to try to get some short walks in this week.

You know what pisses me off. I know what it is to be overweight, fat, insecure, low self worth, yet I feel like if I get active, it will automatically make me feel better and then maybe I'll finally start to feel like a human being.

So many people are overweight, yet people find it necessary to make those feel less worthy. Like they don't even have the right to be around the general public until they loose weight. They're laziness, lack of control, well that's just not acceptable in polite society. Haha, like in the 1800s or something.

It doesn't matter what I think, my true opinion will shape how everyone else sees me. I am very ashamed of myself. For letting my life slip so much out of control. But that's okay. I needed lots of help, and many people just overlooked me when I was younger, I'm talking adults. I'm not blaming anyone. I just wish someone had taken an interest because I was noticibly distraught. I wish I hadn't been so afraid of therapy back then. They might find out how weak I was. I was anxious, depressed, lonely, and scared. I thought my fate was to end it all.

I like myself a great deal more than I used to. But still living in this same body, I think back to the girl/teenager I was and I blame her so much. I just have to admit I did the best I could. I compliment myself for coming so far with overcoming the depression, the cutting (which I actively chose to do to myself), and the anxiety. For recognizing that I have problems with emotional eating and steep self-esteem issues that have nothing to do with my weight.

I need to give myself a fair chance to succeed instead of always setting myself up for failure. I'm tired of treating myself like I'm less human just because I have more weight to me. I want to be healthy and enjoy my life. I don't have any person to impress. I tell myself several times throughout the weeks, that I can start putting myself out there once I lose weight. I can start trying to date once I do. Because then they will see I care about myself. But if I cared about myself, I wouldn't do that to myself. Oh geez, that was a big self-reflection moment.

I'm not ugly. I'm beautiful (I rolled by eyes over that one.). If I open myself up to the world, and stop trying to bury myself from it with worries, food, insecurity, whining, fear and whatever else, I will become stronger. I've been able to do that at times over the past year. So I'm going to apply for that job, before I do anything else, like I wrote earlier in the blog. I just had to keep typing. I worried that if people know I'm fat, that the person writing this blog is fat, I will be skipped over. Like that's all there is to me. I don't give other people too much credit do I. Most can probably sense my unease with myself miles away. Houndogs could track that scent whereever I went.

That's a load of my shoulders. Thank you to anyone who shares a bit of it with me. I really appreciate it.

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DATE: Jul 20 2009, 12:38 am / MOOD: Tired

I had a helping of a brownie, which I'm sure does't help my lack of sleeping problem. I have to go back to work tomorrow, well today. I didn't fall sleep until 6am yesterday. I don't know why. Perhaps it just felt pointless to sleep.

I have health related problems I still need taken care of.

I'm waiting for my tailbone to stop hurting from the surgery.

I need root canals I'm sure.

I'm actually happy to be going back to work. The thing I don't like about my job is I'm always moving around, hardly sitting. I want a desk job and it's going to be a long while before I get it.

Finding a full time job has been ridiculous. I look. I don't have experience enough for anything. Not that there is many jobs out there, so I keep trying to reassure myself of that.

I don't consider myself lucky to have a job, because it could be taken away from me at any moment and I hate that feeling. No one should be able to have that power over you.

Air is on. Something calming about a cool breeze.

 

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DATE: Jul 16 2009, 1:40 pm / MOOD: Frustrated

I need to exercise, but I can't because of the cyst on my back. Still recovering from surgery and I've been in this room for 4 days now. I've been to the doctors and the drug store. I can't go hiking for a month. I keep eating out of boredem. I don't want to do anything when I know I can't go out. Okay, the doctor said I could shower today and I removed the bandage which was put on loosely. I put something over it, but it seems to be leaking. My mom pointed a wet spot out on my pants. So its not like I can even go for a short walk.

I've got books I can read, stories I can write, tv series I can watch but it will depress me for reasons that are hard to understand to anyone that isn't me. I'm frustrated. What am I to do with myself. Won't be going back to work til monday. Which gives me something else to worry about money, none of which I have.

I don't know what to do with myself for today and tonight. I don't want to read or watch movies or write because all those things all really work when I'm feeling somewhat good about myself and write now I feel like a fat slob who can't do anything. I'm very uncomfortable.

I could probably go to the drugstore and get some kind of bandages so keep the leakage in. The wound is open because thats how he wants it to heal. Then I'd feel more comfortable going for a short walk.

I feel totally useless like this. The longer I'm in my room, the more I get depressed because I know I'll end up eating more when I don't need to because it takes my mind of things for that little while.

And the reason, I said I need to feel better about myself to to read/write/watch tv or whatever is because I know it's a substitute for not actually getting up and living your life and it makes me feel inadequate. i don't want to live through others in order to feel like I'm living, because it just makes me feel worse.

Okay, I know I'm being extremely hard on myself. I recognize that fact. I'm trying to better my situation right now and fix my frame of mind. That's what I need hiking for and long walks.

I'm trying to think of a way out of this because when I stay in this frame of mind, I get dragged down into depression mode and I'm fight hard to keep that from happening.  I have to do something that keeps my mind active and not like I'm putting it on hold for something.

 

 

 

 

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DATE: Jul 12 2009, 8:02 pm / MOOD: Fearful

Wow, I haven't been here in several months except to play one specific game. I'll probably go play it because it seems to calm my nerves for even a little bit. I thought going to a chat room would help. But I can't fake it with a bunch of strangers that are just bored. I'm not in crisis. Sometimes, okay most times I just want to get real. I hate small talk. Sometimes you have to do it, but i don't see the point unless its a party or business type setting.

I'm trying to write a letter to a penpal, I haven't written in over a month. Lots of things happen. I'm not being fair to myself. My voice is saying "well lots of things happen, that's life, toughen up and deal with it." I've been like that all day. So hard on myself. I have all these things I feel I need to get done in order to feel happy.

To find friends through outdoor activities. To set a website kind of like this one, but nothing to do with anxiety. To write a novel. To find a full time legal assistant job. To do volunteer work. To make the lives of everyone around me easier. To just keep up with my therapy bills, insurance, school loans, credit cards and everything else.

I've taken plenty of steps. I joined meet up and even started my own hiking group. I've looked into ways I can start the website even though it will be very hard to learn and time consuming. I've been working on writing for about 4 years now. I am steadily getting better. I bought a couple books to help me write. On grammer and how to write better. I started reading the latter yesterday and even did a couple of the exercises. I have an application that was sent to me in the mail to do volunteer work at a nursing home. I've been considering ways to get myself extra money. I was going to sell my camera. I probably still am.

Basically all of this has occurred within the last 2 weeks. I've tried to do these things before. But I end up backing out getting overwhelmed. I tell myself to take a break and to just put it aside now and I'm like no, can't do that. Your just avoiding it when you should be working on it. Which is what I normally tend to do. I just sit in the internet searching or going on the same sites for no purpose. Just afraid to leave my desk, afraid I'll have to live up to some responsibilty I've set for myself.

I'm having surgery tomorrow morning. Nothing serious, just a cyst on my back. I'll be out and in on the same day. Three days off work. Can't avoid it. At least I got basic coverage with a high detuctable. It's all I could afford, but its coming in handy. I just have to pay $1100 of money I don't have. I also owe over a $1000 for school which has to be paid in a couple weeks. I told my group therapy that I can't come anymore because I can't afford it. I am not going to give up individual therapy b/c I need that. The insurance I have won't pay for any mental health care.

Part of me is feeling sorry for myself, but I'm not writing all this to let myself know how much I have on my plate. I'm just trying to lighten the load by sharing it with others. People who might share some empathy with me because they know what its like to live with a mental illness.

Here's the good news. I have improved so much with my anxiety. Sometimes I forget I have it. I put things off for so long. Still do with certain things like phone calls, but once you start taking steps, working on yourself with therapy, before you know it several months have passed and your doing things. It's almost thrilling to take on a difficult anxious challenge.

So I push and push to keep going. I go find new hiking places with my younger brother so I can bring the group there. I did that today. For the past few hours, I've felt myself slipping. I can't handle it alone and I shouldn't have to. No matter what therapy says or my family. They aren't there for me in the way I need them to be. And I can't keep trying to get them to fix things for me or to pay attention to me or spend time as a family in a more affectionate way because they too are people with a lot on their plates. They don't know all my thoughts. They can't read my mind. But I have brought it up to them many times in the past.

My mom's sister has brain cancer. My mom just told me they are giving her four weeks.

We don't have the luxury of time. If I want something, I have to go after it now, because no matter what anyone tells you. Your time could up in the next second.

This is where I get hard on myself. And I know how self-destructive it can be. I'd rather be out miserable and parnoid on a trail at 6pm then at home, eating in my room while my family is all spread out through the house. I don't have social friends. I have a few friends sure, but not really in the physical sense.

I think most of my discomfort will be gone once the surgery is over. I can only tackle two things at a time. (That's my slogan at work lol) I keep waiting for relief. I'm not sure I know how to give that to myself.

 

 

 

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DATE: Dec 12 2008, 7:47 pm / MOOD: Lonely

I wish I didn't feel so left out of life. Being social takes so much work. You have to be pleasant, sure of yourself, confident, not try to hard, but try hard enough, don't be to clingy, make sure your an individual, make sure you have similiar interests, and so on. It's really not a matter of putting yourself out there. I can do that, but it seems people really only want other "happy" people to be around.

There is never going to be a time where poof I wake up and I'm healed from my depression and I love myself completely. Well one day it will happen, but it's a very long work in progress. I keep telling myself the more healthy I become the more people will want to be around me.

My expectations are too high I know this. I'm told this again and again.

I don't know what I'm waiting for and to be frank, I don't think its really worth it. People will prove to be there but only after they find a use for you and you've met their conditions.

Do I sound bitter? Oh I am. But I have so many things I'm excited about doing in the future. This continuing education from the community college came today. There are lots of interesting classes on saturdays from self-defense to art history I can take. I'm taking an online writing class now and I'm going to attempt paralegal studies next semester.

I have no social life to speak of. Oh I almost made it to the gym, I had my bag packed before work and I made it to the parking lot. Then my stomach made a protest and I realized it wasn't worth it. I'd go to the gym, feel a little better or annoyed depending on how it went and then I was thinking of going to the movies but I was either going to see Twilight for the fourth time or Australia for the first. I'm not against going to the movies by myself it's just when I'm by myself I think too much to ever really enjoy what I'm doing. I look at other people and I get depressed. Why is it so hard for me?

 

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DATE: Oct 09 2008, 10:15 pm / MOOD: Don't know

I don't like to leave questions open when I make them. I'm not going to sit here and say my life sucks. Everything *f@cking* sucks! I feel better now. Well not really....

School in the morrow, horseback riding lessons, I bought my boots and helmet today which costs me a couple hundred dollars. One thing I'm really happy about. Everything else not so much.

One weekend I'm so desperate for companionship I'm willing to do the casual hookup thing. Next day I came to my senses. I'm still alone. I like being in control. My therapist said I'm seeking out people who are unique in the sense of being outsiders among conformists. Whatever that means. I'm not the normal type of dating person.

I'm sure I know what I'm looking for, but don't know where to look. I can look everywhere I want, but I'm still not happy with myself. I was for awhile, but that ship sunk itself.

I could bite my lip so hard right now, my teeth would cut right through. God..stop it! I don't know what I'm saying or what I should be doing. I'm sinking in this much that you could call my life. I keep screaming for someone to let me out! Nobody's there though. I feel myself out.

Is there a point to anything when living the mundane life? Barely being able to keep my head above water with finances and social pressures, as well as my own depression.

Don't feel better. Don't really care what people think. Still going to seek new people out. I haven't given up on myself or humanity, though that small hope of ray tends to diminish with time.

I never come here anymore. People don't talk enough for me. It's like pulling teeth. I'd love for someone to respond or add me as a friend. All I do is seek. One can't go through life like that.

Laterz.

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DATE: Aug 24 2008, 10:23 pm / MOOD: Tired

Knowing death is near can be comforting at times and beyond frightening at others. I'm not suicidial. Been there done that, moving on. Self-pity, same spiel, but I still fall into that sometimes. Not facing what is wrong, now thats something that's hardly been done. Not as deep as I should have done. One really has to explore the innerworkings of her complexities before she is able to figure herself out. Even then I am usually left sad, hurt or confused. What have I really accomplished then?

"No...no....no....no!" I'll keep screaming it until it seaps so far into my bloodstream, I can't live without those words.

What's wrong? 

I don't know...

I just don't want to know.

I want to feel as piece.

I limit myself, by my expectations, by my self-doubting, by my constant worrying and thinking. There is no what if for me. I close myself off so I won't need to question. If I'm safe in my box, then I know that's all is important. If throw caution in the sewer and just let myself be free, I wouldn't be free at all. It would be recklessness talking. I can't seem to distinguish living my life from one extreme self-ridicule to another. There is no happy medium for me right now.

Power is an illusion until you make it a reality. Self-control is possible, but the cost always seems too high. I am free right now. The right music is on and I am finally making a dent in self-critical mood. Just as easily as it comes it goes. How do I maintain that softness? I have to keep going with it and not be afraid or not believe its not real. That's when it truly wears off.

Have I made any sense? Some, only to myself I'm sure. I smiled, a weak one but a genuine one. That's a start for me tonight. There is no one to please, not even myself. Only item on my agenda or anyone's should be to live, love and smile their most genuine smile.

Good night.

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DATE: Jul 06 2008, 12:51 am / MOOD: High

I struggle with weather I should put a period, a few dots or just leave the end of the sentence blank in the blog title. I try to satisfy my own obsessiveness about it, but the more I think about it the more insane I think myself to be.

Rock what you got. Who would have ever though I'd download a christian/inspirational song onto my ipod. But its actually very good. I'm not a christian. I'm not an atheist. I'm just a struggling believer--but not it God.

I've stopped coming here for some time. Depression has been taking over recently. I'd feel numb, then I'd feel 'eh' and then maybe okay for awhile. I'd find things that I could feel my time with. But then they'd all feel like chores.

I'm tired of wasting my life. The intense fear my anxiety created in the past is something I have immense respect for, I would never begrudge anybody their torment from it; but at the same time, part of me doesn't want to hear about it anymore. I don't think too highly of myself, but I am trying to put myself out there in the real world. It shouldn't come as any suprise that I received the same kind of support as I do sitting here typing away to complete strangers. I feel more understood here. Except in the chat, people are on different dream planes in there. I've been on several of them myself.

When I plan out of my day and fill it with stuff I want or need to get down, I get frustrated with my lack of enthusiam. Not because of not being able to have fun....but because I need to feel like everything I do has some purpose. I constantly feel like I'm putting on an act, like we are all pretending that we are okay if we watch tv, always answer How are you? with I'm fine, put on our headphones and block the world out, talk about her feelings or write about them, read to distraction, or watch movies so we enjoy them. My point, I'm not really sure. Just that I feel like everyday things I do feel rehearsed and I'm tired of acting okay with it all.

 

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