Anxiety Self Help

DATE: Oct 30 2009, 8:27 pm / MOOD: Other

That can put a lot of pressure on a person. Also to select a mood. I'm just anxious. And its for a couple reasons, mainly because of my medication. I've only taken half for the last two days because I don't want to run out. I have to call to get a new prescription. My psych. is sick so I have to call some lady's they mailed me. Not a big deal. Because as with most therapists/ psychiatrists, they never pick up their phones so I can just leave a message.

The other reason I'm anxious is just because I'm anxious. When I'm on the medication I notice a difference. I've been on medication for what like 5 years now. For the past 2 years I've been on zoloft 200mg, though its actually up to 250mg when I need it. Plus seroquel which I take to sleep. I think thats like 50mg. People say (random people, even my dentist) says its not good to rely on medication. And then there are the people who say social anxiety disorder is a made up disorder. But thats just bullsh*t. Things only got better after the medication, after years of therapy and I'm still a long ways off. I work at it everyday.

Depression is real. And I just love how everyone thinks that something that's easily taken care of. Too many people have no idea what it is to be heavily clinically depressed. To not be able to find any reason to live. To feel a numbed pain. That to watch others live their lives can make you want to end yours all that much quicker. Because you dont' even feel human.

I can't cut myself a break because I've given myself too many. Or maybe I've tried too hard to accomplish things. But I want to get ahead. I want to do things and not just sit at home thinking. I took on two classes for paralegal course and continuing to work. I have work I need to be doing. What's the reason I haven't done it? Because I don't feel like I should have to do it. How stupid is that? It's my choice to go to school. I paid for it. I already finished my BA degree, but I decide to go in for more. Because I think I am capable of so much more. Which I am.

But alas, I have my many stubborn moments. I don't feel like I have a life. And even when I have nothing to do, I long for school and work. I have a very limited social life. Nothing comes easy in life. It takes a lot of effort to see thep positive, that things will somehow work out. To keep on trying, to create these opportunites for myself. I think one of my major problems is techonology. I can't live without the internet. And that's not healthy.

I want to pull all my hair out or slap myself, grind down on my teeth. It involves something on myself. I feel like I'm being ridiculous. Why can't I just do stuff and get it over with? Because I feel like I owe something to everyone else.

So much so I want to start screaming. There is something greatly wrong with our lives today. Something so unnatural and I keep searching for something that makes everything seem okay again. I'll need my medication. Thankfully, I can take my seroquel and that should take care of that.

There is just so much I could or should be doing, I don't know what to do first or whats important. Schools important, but time limits aren't to me. Work is different because somebody is paying you to do it. School is supposed to be for your ownself, your own wellbeing and growth. I'd absolutely love to skip school tomorrow and just take the saturday off. I could. But then what. I miss 4 hours of class. I'll only feel guilty throughout the day. I'll feel power and then powerless and then ridiculous. I'm just lazy and thinking so much about everything I stop functioning at a normal capacity.

View Entry | Leave A Comment

DATE: Sep 14 2009, 9:57 pm / MOOD: Anxious

So I thought I had a session last week, because I meet with him every other week. He's very strict about missing appointments. I don't care if I have to pay. I know their time is valuable like any other person and that its rude to just now show up to an appoinment. Okay honest mistake. My timing was off. He said remember our rule. I'm like yeah thats fine. He's actually going on vacation for a couple weeks so our next app isn't for a month. I feel really horrible. But there is nothing i can do about it except beat myself up it seems. The sticky situation here is that he's a very good therapist. Sometimes I'm uncomfortable because he's so strict about sessions. I'm in group therapy and he was recommended by my group therapist. And its been working out. I don't want to end this patient therapist relationship over my anxiety. Yes, I should probably talk to him about it, but he doesn't seem to have any leeway in that deptarment. It's not acceptable not to show up. I think I need a chart or something so I know when I have to do something, but like a little monthly one. That's actually a great idea. I'll look into making one, if not I'll try buying one. I don't want a planner, just like one of those big calenders, but a mini one to carry around with me. Thanks (to myself lol) I feel better.

View Entry | Leave A Comment

DATE: Sep 11 2009, 11:31 pm / MOOD: Full of life

The anxiety. I've prided myself on thinking I've gotten over it. For someone who had extreme levels of social anxiety from 11-21, I've had tremendous success in getting better. I've fought really hard to keep myself and alive. This social anxiety disorder is a killer. It almost got me, more times than I care to remember. I wanted to end my life periodically because I couldn't live this way.

Oh god, why am I doing this to myself?

The causes of social anxiety are still unknown. Most think it is just a lack of social skills others genetic or both. Many have told, including certain family members to "just deal with it." Why? Because everyone goes through sh*t in their lives and really aren't going to notice your inner torment.

I agree. How harsh we've learned to be with one another. You know why I waited so long to get help? Because I was a child and I believed I had brought it on myself and needed to deal with it myself.

People kill themselves, but people always wonder how it could have been prevented. Maybe to show more understanding and compassion, to say you could to you anytime they needed help and you'd be there. That you weren't just saying it, like so many. I'd offer myself up, I have. I just think when you say you will do something, especially in situations like this, you better mean it because the day will come when you need that support, that help.

Coming back the anxiety, after all "therapy" and medication, I thought I was on the road to recovery. I've taken so many little steps which led me to bigger ones. I started to think it was a thing in the past, that it could be controlled if I just kept pushing myself. That I just had to keep on trying things.

As my therapist says, "Well what's the worst that could happen?" Nothing really. It's just the fear that gets to you. That's the point. Its waiting to do those things, thats why I've always had the urge to get things done now otherwise I couldn't sleep, I couldn't function.

I made myself do things today, though I parked in a parking lot and then when I was about to go into radioshack, I realize it was only over the counter and I went right back to my car and drove to staples. See, salespeople I am not able to deal with. They make me so uncomfortable. But I did get my digital camera. I went to two different stores and asked for help. I wasn't going to go home and let it beat me. That's been my motto over the past year.

I've been spending a lot of time on ebay. I want to go to estate sales and garage sales, but I'm afraid to go, especially by myself. I don't know what I'm afraid of, maybe having to speak to people. People always say when it comes to any salesperson, you should always negotiate on the price. I can't do that! I bought my camera and also paid for the insurance I didn't need. Why? Because I just kept saying yes, i wanted my camera and was too afraid to say no. And it cost me $99. Can you return insurance?

I didn't think so.

Yes, I should focus on my accomplishments. Most of all, I should just go the estate sales tomorrow. I need cash though.

I know that any remnants of anxiety I have left over, is more of learned behavior. Need to break the cycle of thought. I challenge it all now. I don't know where I hi the point where I didn't have extreme amounts of anxiety anymore. Maybe after I started group therapy. Its helped a lot.

 

View Entry | Leave A Comment

DATE: Sep 10 2009, 8:37 pm / MOOD: Sad

I had forgotten how good it feels to cry. I haven't been able to for months now. Even now my anxiety is returning and the heavy stone weights are returning to there familiar places on my body.

I watched a movie. It was very good. Lady Jane. When I see a movie that moves me deep inside, I find it easier to remember the reasons why I should be happy to be alive. When I become totally absorbed in a story, its very powerful. I want that power to move people.

I'm not never going to know if I'm any good, if its what I'm meant to do unless I give it my full effort. I truly believe you can make anything happen for yourself if you fight and work hard for it. Even if you don't get the end result you wanted, you still succesed.

I let my fears, not just my social anxiety, but just general everyday fears stop me from trying things I know I can live through. I just want the weight of those fears to not be in control anymore.

I need to keep reminding myself what I'm good at. I have to write and keep on writing no matter what. I have a lot of things to achieve and its time I stop. Stop with the excuses and take responsiblity.

Accept that I have responsibility to live fully in this moment and the next. Not to cop out. Not to be afraid. To live up to what I know I am capable of. To give myself a rest and not punish myself for it.

I've been searching for this clarity, I guess you could call it self-actualization. I remember it and then it seems to leave. I don't want it to leave again. I want to remember all the good things. Not the bad things that I love to tear myself down with. Because my life doesn't have to be that way. Not if I don't let it.

View Entry | Leave A Comment

DATE: Sep 04 2009, 11:00 pm / MOOD: High

I honestly don't know how this happened to me. I just got addicted to ebay. But now I'm into vintage photos, especially nudes. And there are lots of them. Then I got into all others and then I bought a large lot hoping to resell some as well. I did tons of searching for a couple hours to find other sites where I could find vintage photos to resell. Nowhere but ebay lol. I even went to some antique shops and thrift stores today. So I just keep spending money. But I actually realized an idea of what to sell! And now that I know I'm never going to tell! I just hope it works out the way I plan. I'll be selling some photos, but not just vintage.

I believe I need an intervention, that and some food, maybe a life also. In that order please. Hey I went bikeriding today, I went hiking last nite. I missed work today because I lied but I was still going to go just we were only having half a day and I said I was going to come in early but I didn't get enough sleep. So as I was coming in and called they said I didn't have to since we were closing soon anyway. To top it off, at 4 I took a shower and remembered I had a doctor's app at 9am this morning and I completely forgot. I actually had a legit reason!

Seriouly who ever bid on my brain, I'd like it back now.

View Entry | Leave A Comment

DATE: Aug 28 2009, 4:42 pm / MOOD: Anxious

So its raining, went to the doctor, then work, then the dentist today. Come home and someone is complaining about something I sold them on ebay. Sold him Lord of the Rings movies, for under $3.50 and he's complaing that the third one is worst than any he's seen and it looks like it'd been played over a 100 times. So he's essentially calling me a liar. They are 4 years old, gift from my ex and I've only ever watched them twice. I said there was a lot of tearing on the third one. I don't remember fully checking the dvds, but I thought they were okay. So I offered him a refund and to send them back if he's not happy, but he hasn't seen if it works or not yet. Well why email to me complain then. I can't block him now that I've offered the refund twice. He hasn't given me negative feedback, but I'm expecting him to. I will block him in the future. I just want this to be resolved. Why its creating so much anxiety from me I don't know, it just is!

View Entry | Leave A Comment

DATE: Aug 26 2009, 10:14 pm / MOOD: Other

I exercised--go me!

That's not why I'm stressed obviously. Now I have to address all the things that are bugging me in order to have some peace.

I'm obsessed with that bubble shooter game. Seriously...

Okay back to my problems. Normally I would just write this out on paper, but I feel like sharing with the anxious community at large. Did that make any sense?

Anyways,

I've been eating lots and lots of junkfood, even when I'm not hungry. I either force myself to eat it or don't allow myself to think about. Its very unhealthy. The problem is when I try to control my eating, my blood sugar is used to the high, so I always end up binging to help that. So I'm trying to moderate it down. I keep saying to myself I'm going to do the weight watchers points because it does work. I did it like year before last or something and lost 3 pounds one week. I just don't see the point when I feel like nothing that I do matters in the long run. That nothing will make me happy so why make myself miserable in the interim.

Moving on to next problem.

I left work because I said I wasn't feeling well about an hour early. I was feeling naseous off and on and had planned on leaving at lunch because I was out in my car. So I sucked it and just finished the day. I felt better for the most part, but I just wanted to go home. i kept waiting for my stomach to do something. I left work and told someone I help with work I was leaving at in a few minutes, she wanted me to wait and do some of her mail. But I do it every other day, plus everything else she asks me. Its not my job, but its become part of my job. The place is pretty easy going. But i just felt like I was getting the third degree. She even said I didn't look like I didn't feel well. Sorry if I wasn't being dramatic like usual, because when I don't feel well everyone knows it...I just sucked it up today because I didn't want to lose hours at work.

So that made me feel really blah about myself. Because its very lax there. You come in, you do your work, nobodys breathing down your neck, I go above and beyond what I'm supposed to do and I don't mind most of the time, but I have to walk around and lug stuff here and there. Because you say I look fine, means I am? I don't think so.

I've had problems with upset stomachs,especially with my anxiety and I take things when I shouldn't and I need to get my stomach back on track.

My real "boss" is actually on vacation this week! I got permission to go home, so thats all there should be to it.

When did our lives start revolving around work. That expect us to be robotic at times, not where I work specifically, but it just seems like that in general. I don't mind working hard at all, I do work hard at everything I do. Just sometimes I have trouble functioning on the best level.

There needs to be a balance. Sometimes I don't think I can take all the pressure that comes with working, but I've gotten pretty good. People don't believe me now when I tell them I suffer from anxiety because I don't seem to have a problem talking to them. This hasn't changed. I can talk to people I see everyday. But my worrying doens't go away. Sometimes I think I just said something I shouldn't have and would deem me as stupid or weird and try to explain myself which only seems to make me seem worse and feel worse.

Sometimes I just want to give up. Then I'm reminded of all my debt, bills, my mother, my responsilbity to myself and to everyone else around me, that life is hard, nothing comes easy....

I am looking forward to going to school. To continue studying my paralegal courses. I can't stop going to school. My therapist said was that an option to put it off right now if I can't afford it. I'm like no, not possible. Because I was out of school for six months before I spiraled down into a bad depression again, that was 2 years ago. School has always been my safe haven. It keeps me going. It gives me some purpose, something to look forward to, it gives me hope. And I won't let anyone take that away from me. I love learning, even though it takes me a while to retain things, it still helps me train my mind.

Becoming a hermit like my older brother, live at home with no job because he doesn't like to deal with authority or the real world. He's just got responsbility issues, not what I have. And I know my parents would never kick me out. Thats one of the main things that keeps me going. I don't want to let my mom down. She's invested a lot in me, to help me keep going, especially financially. So it wouldn't be fair if I just blew the whistle and disappeared into my shell because life got too hard.

I know the difference between genuinely needing help for uncontrollable depression and just plain old exuses and whining. I have so much to look forward to, all the things I worked hard for. To feel like I can function at a normal level and have relationships that others can. That second one hasn't happenedy yet, but its a work in progress.

Then there is my writing. I joined a meetup group for novel writing. Its only a couple people but I hope it helps. I keep wanting to write a young adult novel. It's not a matter of if but when. I'm just so afraid of screwing it up. The more young adult novels I read, the more I know this is exactly where my brain and thoughts about writing fit.

I think thats enough for tonight. I feel like some weight has been lifted off me. So now I'm going to try on my new shirt and skirt which i might where to work tomorrow. And I never ever wear skirts.

 

Tooodles

 

View Entry | Leave A Comment

DATE: Aug 23 2009, 11:26 pm / MOOD: Other

So I'm realizing how much I miss writing random journal entries whenever the mood strikes. I have little notepads here and there, but I don't stick to one because well I just haven't. I have this beautiful journal my mother gave me. I want to fill it up, but I guess I think it would be kind of weird to take it in public, like to work. To write at lunch. I can write on notebook paper, but I can't bring myself to bring my journal because I know it'd draw attention with its distinct appearance. But I want to bring it with me everywhere. Its the thing I want to write in right now. I know the best thing would just to leave it at home, actually that would be the easiest thing to do. And I'm tired of living like that. I write letters, I read romance novels, I write on ripped out yellow pieces of notebook paper from work or blue printer paper. Why can't I bring this journal? Why do I care? Why do i feel there is a stigma attached to all this? To me, its a place to write in. I have the two last entries as dear journal...but before that I just wrote the date and then wrote randomly. I hate treating it as a typical journal. Maybe I should go through it, cut out anything I deem not appriopriate or important and then just bring it with me as a random writing instrument and when people ask what it is, its just a place to write. I think I solved my own problem. Actually I haven't, there are some people who make me very uncomfortable. So I'm still better of leaving it at home and taking a notebook with me. I'm just bad at remembering to consistently bringing it with me. There is a girl I'd like to slap just thinking about her. She's as fake as her tan and friendliness. I need one consistent place. I need a carry journal and then just keep this one as my nightime journal. Why is this such a big deal? What difference does it make as to what I write on as opposed to what I write? It should be the other end of that spectrum. I'm getting fed up with myself. Trying to think positive here also. Both are a bitch. I have scattered thoughts all over the place and I guess I just need to make a binder. That might be the best idea. Still I need something I can just grab and take with me. Which I think I have. I'm too fussy, too picky about the little things. I guess my mind just needs something to obsess about. And now I'll call it a night. A night. Haha see I called it. Well, technically I typed it. I feel good, slightly, it will pass, it already is.

View Entry | Leave A Comment

DATE: Aug 16 2009, 6:57 pm / MOOD: Other

So I have like 10 bites on each arm. I do use bug repellant. But I go hiking and I'm not going to stop because of a few bugs. And I'm not going to wear long sleeves on summer days, sorry just not happening. Pants I'm fine with, but I wore a tank top. A few bites doesn't do much to me. But these are itching so bad. I put toothepaste on them because I read online thats one way of stopping them from itching. It seems to be helping somewhat. I'm not here for suggestions or anything. I've looked that up and I don't have money to waste on anti-itching cream. I really am tight on money.

So I'm sitting here with toothepaste rubbed up and down my arms. It's kind of funny. Oh I need to get back to organizing/cleaning my room. I'm so lazy...

View Entry | Leave A Comment

DATE: Aug 16 2009, 6:56 pm / MOOD: Other

So I have like 10 bites on each arm. I do use bug repellant. But I go hiking and I'm not going to stop because of a few bugs. And I'm not going to wear long sleeves on summer days, sorry just not happening. Pants I'm fine with, but I wore a tank top. A few bites doesn't do much to me. But these are itching so bad. I put toothepaste on them because I read online thats one way of stopping them from itching. It seems to be helping somewhat. I'm not here for suggestions or anything. I've looked that up and I don't have money to waste on anti-itching cream. I really am tight on money.

So I'm sitting here with toothepaste rubbed up and down my arms. It's kind of funny. Oh I need to get back to organizing/cleaning my room. I'm so lazy...

View Entry | Leave A Comment