Anxiety

DATE: Oct 09 2008, 8:15 pm / MOOD: Don\'t know

I don't like to leave questions open when I make them. I'm not going to sit here and say my life sucks. Everything *f@cking* sucks! I feel better now. Well not really....

School in the morrow, horseback riding lessons, I bought my boots and helmet today which costs me a couple hundred dollars. One thing I'm really happy about. Everything else not so much.

One weekend I'm so desperate for companionship I'm willing to do the casual hookup thing. Next day I came to my senses. I'm still alone. I like being in control. My therapist said I'm seeking out people who are unique in the sense of being outsiders among conformists. Whatever that means. I'm not the normal type of dating person.

I'm sure I know what I'm looking for, but don't know where to look. I can look everywhere I want, but I'm still not happy with myself. I was for awhile, but that ship sunk itself.

I could bite my lip so hard right now, my teeth would cut right through. God..stop it! I don't know what I'm saying or what I should be doing. I'm sinking in this much that you could call my life. I keep screaming for someone to let me out! Nobody's there though. I feel myself out.

Is there a point to anything when living the mundane life? Barely being able to keep my head above water with finances and social pressures, as well as my own depression.

Don't feel better. Don't really care what people think. Still going to seek new people out. I haven't given up on myself or humanity, though that small hope of ray tends to diminish with time.

I never come here anymore. People don't talk enough for me. It's like pulling teeth. I'd love for someone to respond or add me as a friend. All I do is seek. One can't go through life like that.

Laterz.

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DATE: Aug 24 2008, 8:23 pm / MOOD: Tired

Knowing death is near can be comforting at times and beyond frightening at others. I'm not suicidial. Been there done that, moving on. Self-pity, same spiel, but I still fall into that sometimes. Not facing what is wrong, now thats something that's hardly been done. Not as deep as I should have done. One really has to explore the innerworkings of her complexities before she is able to figure herself out. Even then I am usually left sad, hurt or confused. What have I really accomplished then?

"No...no....no....no!" I'll keep screaming it until it seaps so far into my bloodstream, I can't live without those words.

What's wrong? 

I don't know...

I just don't want to know.

I want to feel as piece.

I limit myself, by my expectations, by my self-doubting, by my constant worrying and thinking. There is no what if for me. I close myself off so I won't need to question. If I'm safe in my box, then I know that's all is important. If throw caution in the sewer and just let myself be free, I wouldn't be free at all. It would be recklessness talking. I can't seem to distinguish living my life from one extreme self-ridicule to another. There is no happy medium for me right now.

Power is an illusion until you make it a reality. Self-control is possible, but the cost always seems too high. I am free right now. The right music is on and I am finally making a dent in self-critical mood. Just as easily as it comes it goes. How do I maintain that softness? I have to keep going with it and not be afraid or not believe its not real. That's when it truly wears off.

Have I made any sense? Some, only to myself I'm sure. I smiled, a weak one but a genuine one. That's a start for me tonight. There is no one to please, not even myself. Only item on my agenda or anyone's should be to live, love and smile their most genuine smile.

Good night.

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DATE: Jul 05 2008, 10:51 pm / MOOD: High

I struggle with weather I should put a period, a few dots or just leave the end of the sentence blank in the blog title. I try to satisfy my own obsessiveness about it, but the more I think about it the more insane I think myself to be.

Rock what you got. Who would have ever though I'd download a christian/inspirational song onto my ipod. But its actually very good. I'm not a christian. I'm not an atheist. I'm just a struggling believer--but not it God.

I've stopped coming here for some time. Depression has been taking over recently. I'd feel numb, then I'd feel 'eh' and then maybe okay for awhile. I'd find things that I could feel my time with. But then they'd all feel like chores.

I'm tired of wasting my life. The intense fear my anxiety created in the past is something I have immense respect for, I would never begrudge anybody their torment from it; but at the same time, part of me doesn't want to hear about it anymore. I don't think too highly of myself, but I am trying to put myself out there in the real world. It shouldn't come as any suprise that I received the same kind of support as I do sitting here typing away to complete strangers. I feel more understood here. Except in the chat, people are on different dream planes in there. I've been on several of them myself.

When I plan out of my day and fill it with stuff I want or need to get down, I get frustrated with my lack of enthusiam. Not because of not being able to have fun....but because I need to feel like everything I do has some purpose. I constantly feel like I'm putting on an act, like we are all pretending that we are okay if we watch tv, always answer How are you? with I'm fine, put on our headphones and block the world out, talk about her feelings or write about them, read to distraction, or watch movies so we enjoy them. My point, I'm not really sure. Just that I feel like everyday things I do feel rehearsed and I'm tired of acting okay with it all.

 

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DATE: May 26 2008, 6:12 pm / MOOD: Excited

I start with why I'm here. I didn't know where else I could write comfortably. I could write in many journals, but I need input or need to know other eyes and minds will see what I write.

I am drifting around the urge to cry. I'm not upset about anything. The warm weather has brought that 'what life is really all about' feeling with it. I could go outside and enjoy the weather. I could feel confident going for a walk. I could play outside for a little bit with my little brother and just live. I'm not trying to relive my childhood which could be so miserable at times. But it had its good adventures. I may have gone most of those alone, but I could be comforable alone and find things to do. Even locked up in my room.

When ever I'm invited to go somewhere with my family I just figure I'll be bored (I am right most of the time) and just want to go home. I went to the Memorial Day parade in my city and I sat on the curb for a good 45 min with my brother and sister (much younger) on either side of me. I complained about how they kept letting the cars down the street and just wanted the parade to start. I wanted to experience the parade and find something to enjoy. I've never enjoyed parades, always thought they were a boring and pointless. I guess I grew up and I clapped along with my grandma's scottish friends for the veterans. I took pictures. It was short, but I had fun. We walked down to the park to get free hotdogs, but it was so crowded my sister and I just started complaing to just go home and eat. So we did. We had to walk up a long hill that we walked down. The parade was over, no crowds of people walking with us.

What is a waste of time? Just sleeping the morning away? Finding something to complain about? Worrying about being overweight in the heat? Thinking the cold is a way for me to shield my insecurities. I hide behind everything, but at the same time I don't. I am me either way. So there are a couple roadblocks to get to know me. But I'm worth it. Everyone is. Pretending that I'm happy when I'm not, or pretending I never complain when I do is ridiculous. I'm not here on this earth to please anyone else just I can keep up this charade of commercial suburbia.

I've come to the conclusion that I'm not the one who's always hiding. I'm here. I'm open, but you find most people aren't worth the time because they don't take the time to stop and acknowledge you.

I overeat, I binge eat, I make myself sick so I don't have to think about all the things I hate about myself or this world. I've done this since I was 12 years old. It's the sugar rush I get from eating. This high I don't want to let go of.

I have anxiety, so what. It was a handicap growing up, but not anymore. Not when I don't let it control me. If I go after whats really important, it makes the hurdles much easier to climb over.

Depression is very real and not normal. I can feel myself being dragged back down into that large black whole almost everyday. So if something doesn't make me feel I good I want it out of my mind. But it doesn't work like that.

I count, I just wish I would stop trying to prove that to myself.

 

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DATE: Apr 08 2008, 8:37 pm / MOOD: Fearful

What do I want? I do not know, or do I? Who knows, not I. This I know. I have a headache from too much thinking. Coming from support group tonight I discuss a lot of stuff I would have liked to keep buried. The kind of stuff that you only share with your mental self, the voice inside your head. I want to stuff myself up with chocolate and never have think again about anything. I just want to go on with life and just live it out without thinking about stuff further. I can analyze myself to death but it won't matter if there is nothing I can do about it. And I never said I wanted to change those things about me. That's all for now.

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DATE: Mar 24 2008, 9:50 pm / MOOD: High

So I’m trying to figure out what is bothering me. I don’t know…that’s not true! I do know! I feel like crying. I hate the word feel. What does it insinuate….I don’t make any sense! I saw this movie Into the Wild and it changes my life for a day or so. I turned in my two week notice and don’t even know when I’m “ending” the job. He didn’t want me to quit. I’m going to interview for a temp agency tomorrow.  I’m not trying to mask my anxiety, insecurity, pain, depression with chocolate or anything tonight. I’m nervous about tomorrow. I don’t want to go back to my job because I acted pretty loopy tonight since I forgot to take my medication. I feel so stupid. I had a crazy night when I tried to drive this girl “home.” We ended up a couple other places before I finally came home. I took my medication and I’m still up. My interview is at 1pm tomorrow. I’m trying to figure out what really matters. That’s why I keep replaying this song over and over again from Into the Wild called “Society.” I fell in love with it. It makes me want to cry. I can’t take the anxiety.  I don’t want to be a cashier anymore. What’s wrong with that? Why do I have to sacrifice myself to please others in this lifetime? People don’t understand how little time we actually have to live and enjoy our lives. I don’t mesh with society’s current social norms.  I feel good not conforming to “needing” to stay with a job just to put it on my resume. I am a fantastic, hardworking employee. I try so hard to please others and people don’t think I give things enough chance, but I don’t want to be cashier. I graduated college, I should expect something a little better right…See now I’m trying to justify myself in a blog because I think I will offend people by saying I don’t want to be a cashier. There’s nothing wrong with me doing it, but I don’t need to do it and I have so much more to accomplish with my time. I don’t need to feel secure in having another job when I have a way of getting the money I need and especially when I live at home. I have plans, people need to stop trying to convince me otherwise. They think I’m messing myself up. Having a job doesn’t make me feel secure and comfortable. When I feel like I’m doing something worthwhile then I feel secure and comfortable with myself. People need to realize that about themselves. 

Okay…I’m done. Thank you very much to all my lovely readers. Kudos to you for taking the time to read my insane insanity!

I feel a bit better, but I still think I need a much bigger release. I don't know how to bring that about.

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DATE: Mar 24 2008, 9:50 pm / MOOD: High

So I’m trying to figure out what is bothering me. I don’t know…that’s not true! I do know! I feel like crying. I hate the word feel. What does it insinuate….I don’t make any sense! I saw this movie Into the Wild and it changes my life for a day or so. I turned in my two week notice and don’t even know when I’m “ending” the job. He didn’t want me to quit. I’m going to interview for a temp agency tomorrow.  I’m not trying to mask my anxiety, insecurity, pain, depression with chocolate or anything tonight. I’m nervous about tomorrow. I don’t want to go back to my job because I acted pretty loopy tonight since I forgot to take my medication. I feel so stupid. I had a crazy night when I tried to drive this girl “home.” We ended up a couple other places before I finally came home. I took my medication and I’m still up. My interview is at 1pm tomorrow. I’m trying to figure out what really matters. That’s why I keep replaying this song over and over again from Into the Wild called “Society.” I fell in love with it. It makes me want to cry. I can’t take the anxiety.  I don’t want to be a cashier anymore. What’s wrong with that? Why do I have to sacrifice myself to please others in this lifetime? People don’t understand how little time we actually have to live and enjoy our lives. I don’t mesh with society’s current social norms.  I feel good not conforming to “needing” to stay with a job just to put it on my resume. I am a fantastic, hardworking employee. I try so hard to please others and people don’t think I give things enough chance, but I don’t want to be cashier. I graduated college, I should expect something a little better right…See now I’m trying to justify myself in a blog because I think I will offend people by saying I don’t want to be a cashier. There’s nothing wrong with me doing it, but I don’t need to do it and I have so much more to accomplish with my time. I don’t need to feel secure in having another job when I have a way of getting the money I need and especially when I live at home. I have plans, people need to stop trying to convince me otherwise. They think I’m messing myself up. Having a job doesn’t make me feel secure and comfortable. When I feel like I’m doing something worthwhile then I feel secure and comfortable with myself. People need to realize that about themselves. 

Okay…I’m done. Thank you very much to all my lovely readers. Kudos to you for taking the time to read my insane insanity!

I feel a bit better, but I still think I need a much bigger release. I don't know how to bring that about.

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DATE: Mar 15 2008, 9:35 am / MOOD: Fearful

1. That I woke up.

2. I have the day off from work and can go for a walk.

3. Have an opportunity to work on my story/novel or whatever it decides to become.

4. That I can walk, some people don't even have that luxury.

5. That I can give myself some peace of mind by not focusing on negative things only.

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DATE: Mar 11 2008, 1:26 pm / MOOD: Fearful

I went out with my best friend today. We went to subway and then to a park. But before we went to the park, some guy was being completely rude to her. I had a bad night at work with a rude customer and I guess I was just fed up. He kept saying check it out referring to her body. I stopped for a second and it just came out “Why do you have to be so rude?” He looks at me and I keep walking. He yells “I wasn’t looking at you.” I said “I know you weren’t looking at me you were looking at her.” I can’t believe I stood up for myself once, even if it was for my friend. It always happens when I got out with her, but not always that rude and obnoxious.

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DATE: Feb 27 2008, 7:17 pm / MOOD: Don't know

I waited til my half hour break at work to cry. I was frustrated and upset over my mistakes. I allowed a woman to return medication when we we aren't supposed to accept it back. I knew that, but didn't think about it. I remember it being brought up once or twice before. She was getting medication that was what she was supposed to get. Second thing I did was give a prescription to a person about 45 min earlier when another woman came in to claim that one. It became this whole ordeal. It was for a man prescription too. If it was the wrong prescription don't you think they would of brought it back to tell us? I thought maybe it was a daughter picking it up or something. Now this new girl at work who I have no problems with was being taught stuff right in front of me. That made me even more upset because she still belongs with the register because she's only been working consistently for a week and a half and I'm supposed to be learning more stuff. I've been there for over 5 weeks. I know the lead tech doesn't like me.

I am being really hard on myself. I wanted to quit. It still makes me what to cry out in frustration thinking about today. I can't focus on anything else. Make it stop!

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