Anxiety Self Help

DATE: Jan 30 2010, 8:57 pm / MOOD: Frustrated

I am so sick to death of my circumstances. That I keep myself in this wallowing place of dispair. I can see all the good things that can come my way, but I am so afraid. I am afraid to trust myself. It's a very frustrating way to live. I hate it so much. I'm not feeling sorry for myself. That isn't what is bothering me.

It's my lack of committment to anything. I get so afraid. I can do things, lots of things. But the problem is I don't do them. Not because I'm afraid of being anxious, but because I'm afraid of being disappointed. You ever do something slightly different than you would do as part of your normal daily routine, only for it to never be what you expected?

I talk in riddles, I do that on purpose. Maybe I'm afraid to take responbility for it. If I don't pinpoint it, I can continue to avoid it. It's just there, but if I ignore it, I can pretend for awhile long it doesn't exist.

It takes a lot of hard work to be happy. It's the failing that I'm afraid of. I'm trying believe me, but its just not enough anymore. I want to be everything I can be and I don't want to devalue myself for anything.

I just want to sit and be content with who I am and stop trying to please others perception of me. It's not even their perception, its my perception being filtered through others eyes. I question if I really know what is best for myself.

Do I really? Of course.

I read that as I writer, you should never ask a question, but if you do, make sure to answer it. I do that. I want to write. Just afraid of not being any good at it. What if once I become committed to it, the dream goes away and the reality is that I will never become good at it.

Yes, I've worked on learning how to become a writer, how to live the life of one. But those are their words, their way of living not mine. Nothing is right for me. I know I don't believe in myself. Not as I should. Why is it so hard to do that?

I don't need anyone to tell me good qualities about myself. I need to recognize them, but as real qualities. Not something I try to pinpoint to make myself a little less sorry for myself. That's a cope out.

I have to try. I have to pour everything I have, all my will into what I want. Only than will I be content or satisfied.

I'm tired of reading or losing myself movies, none of them belong to me. It's like watching television or sitting in front of the computer for hours on end, like I do. You let something else do the living for you. Because you deem it too hard to even try to be happy.

That is my understanding from my own experiences.

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DATE: Jan 01 2010, 6:36 pm / MOOD: Impressed

I've been watching dance your ass off and it's been a good boost for my self-confidence. I'm so good at making excusing for everything I won't do. Change never comes unless you start right now. And keep working on it, minute by minute. I already had once piece of chocolate cake and I was tempted to have another. But I forced myself to grab the grapes instead. I'm tired of hiding behind my weight.

I will always have more excuses not to do things, and my weight was a big comfort to me. Though it was something that also made me miserable. I am feeling good about that. I'm trying to make my life enjoyable, not miserable. Watching Dance Your Ass Off, the people were just like me. I need to become my own support system.

I'm still young and I use that has an excuse not to try and get healthier. Because none of those diseases are hitting me yet. I still have time to turn it around. But time flies and then it's gone. I want to live. It is so hard. I may have this one moment where I made a better choice and it's only going to get harder. But I'm going to try.

 

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DATE: Dec 23 2009, 9:03 pm / MOOD: Angry

I'm so fed up with my parents. My mother is the most passive person. My dad is more selfish and short-tempered. No wonder I'm passive, my sister is selfish, and my brother is short-tempered. Oh it's not that bad. It's just been a bad day. But I don't appreciate his parenting skills because I don't think he has any. My mom does everything around the house and my dad does work full-time, he's a lanscaper. But it's been this way for thirty years.

My mom works. She deals with everything that has to do with the kids, always has. My father "go ask your mother." It's like he doesn't want to be bothered unless its something easy like needing money or a ride. He doesn't take an interest in his children's lives. That doesn't mean he doesn't care about us.

My family life is a joke. I'm going to be 25 soon and I'm still at home. I have never wanted more than ever to start saving up money to move out. I don't have money saved because I've been so behind in debt. I got a raise at work and a little bonus and I'm not going back to school. I don't f@cking want to.

He yelled at my little brother and told him he's taking karate away from him. My brother does have an attitude, but he's a good kid. He just never had consequences and then one day my dad blows and he wonders why he child talks to him like he does. And then he was whining to my mom about making him going shopping. Normally my father isn't this bad, but I went down to try and keep things calm. If he copped an attitude with me, I would have said something, especially about my little brother.

I was telling him I wanted to volunteer at animal shelter. He said how about volunteering to pay some bills! Oh my god. He's like don't you have enough going on in school and work...I'm like I'm not going back to school. I already got my undegrad degree, this was only a certificate program that I was paying for myself. And I'll go back when I'm ready and I'll probably find another place.

So my plan is to continue with my current plans of work, volunteer work, my meet-up groups and paying off my debt so I can save some money. I'm going to get myself the gym at night and work off some this steam. After the holidays of course.

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DATE: Dec 13 2009, 9:31 pm / MOOD: Impressed

So I feel a bit better about how I left things yesterday. I did get myself to the gym and ask about my membership. I got my little thing, they took my picture and gave me a tour. So that's one hurdle. Now I just need to get myself going there on a regular basis. I am happy for myself. I'm giving myself some props. It's just that I thought I was over this little anxiety things but I'm not. I've got to stop stretching time out so much. If I did one thing one day, I figure I should be able to do it today. Then I get afraid. So I didn't let myself off the hook this time. I went. I gave myself no alternative. What was the worst that was going to happen...Nothing. I don't want to be that person again. The one who was so anxious about everything, she didn't have any type of life, too afraid to leave her own house. Scared of her own shadow. That keeps me going, knowing I can achieve this results and do them on my on.

I have other things on my mind, like school. Which is something I just want to be finished. Two more weeks, see I stopped going one class but want to finish the other. I already have my bachelor's this was just a certificate. So I can always go back. I just don't want to do it right now anymore. I talked it over with my therapist and he is backing me up on my decision which makes me feel better about it. I mean I know what's best for me and I don't need to explain it to anyone. Especially when I'm paying for it myself.

I'm going to be 25 and I still live at home. I feel like my mom has too much influence on the decisions in my life. I can't afford to move out. I can't even afford to save up with the amount of money I owe. So I'm just trying to form a life on my own. Which is hard with the problems I've had. I feel like I'm finally becoming the person I always wanted to be. It was through a lot of hard work and a lot of suffering. But its my motto, that one must suffer to truly appreciate what they have. It's really what I believe. I don't know if its a good thing or not, but it's what I believe nonetheless.

I'm trying to keep my mind on the positive. I watched this thing on youtube about Liz Murray, her 'life story' was on lifetime, Homeless to Harvard. I've seen it, its a really good movie. But listening to the real woman speak was very inspiring. She said she realized after her mother died from AIDS, that she had to make a choice. To choose a side of living, one of resentment or one of gratitude. And to realize that life doesn't wait for anyone, it just doesn't. So if you keep saying I'm going to do something, but always give yourself an out, by saying I'll do it later. Well it is later. Stop complaining and get what you want out of life, just be prepared to work hard and never give up and to be grateful for the small steps along the way. One day you'll see that it all works out. Because you can never fail if you've tried your absolute hardest.

That's my bit for tonight,

dreamer.

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DATE: Dec 12 2009, 5:33 pm / MOOD: Anxious

I know what I think I want, but is it really what I want?

It's funny I start something, like this blog, and then leave it open because I don't want to face doing it. Which is really weird, because it's just a blog. It was almost like subconcious anxiety. I've been doing that for months. I'll leave something open to do and just look for things to distract me.

I have a book waiting to be read. Clothes everywhere waiting to be washed. Clothes never put away. Bills I've never opened. Things to be cleaned up around my room. Piles of old paper to go through and get rid of.

It's so cold in my room. I have a portable heater I can put on but I have so much crap I'm afraid something would catch on fire and I just don't have the patience to clean yet.

The heat is on my house, but its central air and we have a moderately big house. It's old and drafty as well. I just got new windows. The ones I had didn't lock, had no screens. They were very chipped.

See I'm doing it again and I just realized it.

First thing, I joined a gym like a week ago, but I did it online. So now I have to go and give them my receit number and get my id card or whatever. I was going to go today but kept putting it off. I can't do that anymore. I just need to get it done. All these other little possiblites strike my mind and makes it to be a bigger deal that it is. I'm very disgusted with my body and I need to get back to exercising.

This stupid anxiety thinks it can come back any time it wants and control my life. Well I'm not going to let it. I can't go through this anymore. I'm better than back, better for longer than back. When does the cycle end? When does all the mediation and therapy I've been doing for years make it all stop and go away for good...

I need to focus on one task, cleaning up my room. That will help to declutter my mind and make me less anxious.

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DATE: Nov 30 2009, 9:28 pm / MOOD: Okay

Or do I.

I'm at this station in my life where I don't know which express to catch. They all seem to lead me into a circle. I end up right where I started. I was going to compile a list of things I wanted. So I'll start here.

1. To stop emotional overeating and binge eating.

2. To spice up my exercise routines, well to actually had some!

3. To decide if writing is something I can really commit to.

4. To be more studious and put classes as more of a priority.

5. To stop being so hard myself.

6. To stop being afraid.

7. To figure out a solution to my money problems.

8. To stop stressing.

9. To find the positive in everything and actually believe it.

10. To move forward, preferably out of this house.

11. To slow things down and be patient.

12. To somehow start dating and form relationships with new people.

13. To do things I want, even if its by myself.

 

That’s my list for now. 

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DATE: Nov 16 2009, 11:02 pm / MOOD: Other

I really am. Boo Hoo...life's not fair, it sucks...get over it! Lol, I'm not being quite that harsh on myself. I'm more, leaning on a positive note. I'm trying to take control back after a weekend of internet obsession weirdness. Well more like half a week. I missed two classes, I have been going to work. I was just trying ot escape into a fantasy where I felt important. It's hard to feel that way in this reality. But it depends on how you go about living your life. I'm capable of things, so I'm going back to doing those things. I'm going to try to do them because I enjoy them and stop seeking attention in other realms. To just create my own happy existance. I'm going to try. Wish me luck. But I don't think I'll need it.

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DATE: Nov 08 2009, 10:46 pm / MOOD: Other

As I don't think about the alternative. I try to stay positive. When my brain is telling me that is pointless, its going nowhere and is nothing. I try to tell myself nothing in life is limitless. At least in terms of ambition.

Its hard to eliminate words like pathetic from my self-vocabulary. But hey, its a beautiful world out there and I've got to start living and stop feeling so hopeless and afraid. Everything about my anxiety is a shield. (Insert a duh here if you'd like because I know most people know that already.) It's a protection shield. It's supposed to keep you safe from all the big, bad ugly out there. When in reality, its creating the big, bad ugly in here.

One thought at time. Accepting that things are okay. That I don't have to drill every thought to death and then pick it up and batter it some more. I'm just letting it be. It makes me feel a little lighter and certainly makes for less to worry about. Less on my plate. That's what I'm striving for.

 

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DATE: Nov 05 2009, 6:57 pm / MOOD: Other

I'm sampling new indie music, which I love when I find really good songs. Right now I am listening to something weird. His voice...yeah. Moving on.

Since my last group therapy session, I learned I am passive aggressive, even though its no longer classified as a personality disorder, it helps me to understand more about me. But I couldn't find any sites or books that were over $90. And anything that was there was to help people who have to deal with passive aggressive people.

Not all the symptoms I have, but its something I really want to understand more. Because I want to know how to overcome it. I guess I'll bring it up with my therapist. I just hate when people say you can't self-diagnose yourself. Well it was mentioned by my group and I read up on the bit of info I could find and it was strikingly similar to how I deal with things.

Okay, this smoke alarm battery won't shut up. Which is great. It's really driving me up the wall. Like I want to grind my teeth until it stops and throw something.

It stopped and now its back. If it doesn't work, you don't need to keep the batteries in to see that, (stupid brother).

Anyway, I found a gym I'm going to join and I can actually register online which is cool. And its cheap. Which is what I was totally look for in a gym. Exercise is important for a healthy frame of mind. Which I don't have right now. I'm home all the time. I can't walk at night because its dark when I get home from work.

I have a word document opened up to a fanfiction story I'm writing. The story is really interesting. That's not the problem. It's not that I can't write. Its I just don't think I'll ever get it right enough. It will never be good enough. They started fanawards and thought I was nominated by one or two people, which felt nice, I haven't so far this round. And I'm angry at myself for not writing regularly and not coming up with good stories. Which is totally ridiculous. Sometimes I write because I want praise. Others because its the only way to express myself. Writing stories is extremely hard when you want to do it well. I study how to do it well, but I get so overwhelmed and put myself down before I even start, that I don't write for months and I forget where I am in a story. So I hardly update. There is just so much potential there being wasted. And really if I thought I was doing a good job, I wouldn't need others praise. I would be happy with what I wrote. I'm just trying too hard and not staying true to myself. Well I am, but not fully.

Where am I today?

All over the place!

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DATE: Oct 30 2009, 11:40 pm / MOOD: Other

One can always look to tomorrow, well because its coming whether you like it or not. Sometimes its a blessing other times a curse, depending on your attitute, feelings and experience that previous day and night.

So since tomorrow is coming whether I like it or not. I've got to find something that will make me feel better about that. I feel better just thinking about there being a tomorrow and that it won't be today. I don't care if that makes no sense, because it makes sense to me.

I just got done watching Sophie's Choice. Damn the end is hard to watch. But we all have our choices to make and then we have to live with them, which is the hardest thing to do.

Choices,

to go to school or to skip it

to go to work or tell your boss to go screw him or herself

to get drunk or not to drink at all

to be ignorant or open-minded

to live or to die

to belief in god or not

yeah my point is we obviously all have choices to make. But some choices you can't avoid and are not your doing. Some are just forced upon and you must learn to live and accept that fact or let it destroy you.

It did to Sophie. And that's a fact.

So much pain.

Joy is fleeting.

Very fleeting.

Depending on how you look at it.

But again there is always tomorrow.

 

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