Anxiety

DATE: Sep 27 2008, 1:26 pm / MOOD: Mellow

 id love to cover juliet lewis mouth in cherry chapstick........oops...is that rude.....lol

 

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DATE: Sep 26 2008, 5:45 pm / MOOD: Other

 thank you everyone for your kindness. i dont know how i would have got through last night without your help........i really thought that was it! its scared the hell out of me! i cannot find the words to express my thanks and love..........xxxxxxx 

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DATE: Sep 19 2008, 8:29 am / MOOD: Other

 i sometimes wonder if i am talented in anyway and then i remember ....im very good at being pathetic.. im talented at the art of........being abso f@cking pathetic.........i hate myself sometimes....why anyone would want to be with me i have no f@cking idea.......i feel like scratching all my skin off.........i disgust myself....im soo pathetic.....i dont self harm any more and havent for years but ......no i wont but im a f@cking head f@ck......im way too emotional....way too sensitive...way too insecure...way too insecure........way too much for any man to put up with for any length of time...... 

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DATE: Aug 14 2008, 1:52 pm / MOOD: Tired

i hadnt done it for a long time and now i cant stop doing it, its like a drug, its mad, crazy, c r a z y .! we just cannot stop touching one another, and kissing and bonking! [he calls it making love] bonking, bonking and more bonking!
our bodies are soooo in tune, we set one another on fire.....i keep telling him hes gonna have to gag me cause the neighbours are gonna complain of the noise soon.......bonking bonking, ahh sweet bonking!

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DATE: Aug 10 2008, 6:19 am / MOOD: Other

hi, i havent been on any meds for a long time as they make me throw up. this week i am going to go to the doctors and ask to be put on phenelzine[nardil] for my anxiety, ive just got a new job and have a new boyfriend and am finding   meeting new people through these  situations a very hard overwhelming thing. if i dont take meds i think i may give up the boyfriend and the job and become a hermit again and i really dont want that to happen.

is anyone on this drug? how has it helped? pease could you let me know, thanks, love donnax

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DATE: Aug 09 2008, 6:33 am / MOOD: Other

part of me feels like curling up into a ball, curling up into a ball and waiting for something to strike me down dead. 

ive just started a wonderful relationship yet still the spectre of depression has to raise its ugly head, it has to fight with me, it really pisses me off.

i swear to god im as mad as a hatter, when i die id like to have experiments done on my brain, im sure itll show that im really deficiant in some areas..

what is wrong with me?

 

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DATE: Aug 08 2008, 11:02 am / MOOD: Happy

im pretty sure that ive met the man that im going to marry.  

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DATE: Aug 05 2008, 10:47 am / MOOD: Other

hi, my work situation seems better....i was in charge of a ward yesterday, id worked on the ward the day before, then the next day i was left to run it and it was brill! i had to do 10 things at once and be tuned in at all time...brill... fantastic shift i was told by the staff nurse when i was going home,....praise indeed! you should have 2 staff on the ward at all time but i was on my own...ward round was going on and they were down some staff i think so i was left to run this particular ward with 10 patients on my own....it has renewed my faith in the job and myself. i had to keep on top of all the patients notes i had to do handover on my own[which was slightly daunting, but i did it] i had to do obs, make sure breakfast and lunch was sorted, motivate patients to get up and take meds...sort any problem...listen to the patients,,,[this ward is a sort of rehab...some will go into sheltered housing after ...mainly paranoid schitzophrenics....my spelling is terrible sorry.sort out ground leave and any visitors...i loved it...no other staff...bliss!

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DATE: Aug 02 2008, 9:21 pm / MOOD: Happy

hi, i had a date on sunday and have been with him ever since. we went to the beach last sunday evening, had a drink...and  talked for hours, he then asked if i would be his girlfriend then gave me the warmest kiss...we havent been apart since, apart for work. its 5 am here and hes at work until 6 then hes taking me to work, then in the afternoon we are going for a walk around some beautiful coastline ect.   he keeps telling me that i am the one for him, that im the best hes ever had and that im the one. he says that hes never been in love before he met me!   hes really nice to mje, no one has been this nice for years......of course im not stupid and the first sign of anything bad id end it....but everyone loves him....he really is lovely....i can be totally myself with him....my daughters in spain but shes already met him anyway, he goes around with some of the people that i do.......hes sooo intelligent too....thats really attractive to me...

my job isnt going well, i cant hack it...ive lost my nerve....the other day for the first time in over 10 years a patient scared me and now im filled with anxiety when i go in.it wouldnt matter what ward i worked on now,,,ive lost it. im dreading going in today and am trying to be positive but im gonna work off my shifts for the month then leave.....its sad but i cant live with the anxiety...im gonna go to my doctors and get some beta blockers for the fear!

so, on the one hand ive met a wonderfull man...and on the other hand my jiob is going down the pan...aaaarrrgggghhhh!

 

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DATE: Jul 20 2008, 8:52 am / MOOD: Frustrated

my stomach is churning at the thought of it,ever since i set eyes upon the sexy physical intervention tutor the other week i cant stop thinking about it....sex sex sex!ok, hes married so its a no go with him...their are a couple of guys that have the hots for me in a very obvious way...i could throw caution to the wind and unleash the passion within with one of those guys...but id regret it.   im not desperate for a relationship but dont do one night stands....[although if the lead singer with the red hot chilli peppers came along with his friend juliet lewis , i may have to revise that decision]lol!  

 

Went to a party [of sorts] last night...i stayed for the night as it was at a good friends house...she had a male friend staying,,,he liked to smoke [weed] so we had a smoke and talked for hours, and god was i feeling some feelings! id had a few glasses of wine 2, thats a lethal combination...he was def up for it....their was such a strong feeling in the air.....he was a gentleman...and we didnt kiss, or touch i n  any way. i remember thinking, im feeling so sexual i could do it with you right now....but i was also thinking....it would be a big mistake to do anything at all, i dont know you...im sure you look good cause of the alcohol.....i dont do one night stands.   in the morning there was still something in the air but it was a good feeling and no regrets....hes not my type but a nice guy.....im glad i have self control even at my most frustrated.!   i do apologi se  for going on about it lol....its sending me a bit loony...more than usual...lol...

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