Anxiety

DATE: May 07 2008, 8:53 pm / MOOD: Angry

Wow, I haven't written a blog in a while, but I really feel the need to rant and vent right now. Michigan's been getting some real humid weather and it's been bothering me. My chest was hurting earlier, which is nothing new. I have a serious fear of heart attacks, ever since I had my first panic attack and a stupid doctor told me i probably had a heart attack, without even checking anything. 

My husband's cousin had been calling all day, he wanted to come over to do some laundry, so he shows up and i go to lie down, because i was feeling light headed, due to the high air pressure. My husband comes into the room to check on me, his cousin follows. His stupid cousin starts saying I could be having a heart attack, which of course, made me panic, run into the bathroom and pretty much caused a full blown panic attack. 

He knows I have problems with people saying stuff like that when they have no clue what they're talking about.

So yeah, he brought that up, caused me to have a panic attack and now I feel like crap still. Why is it that people are so careless even know they're aware of something ?  

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DATE: Feb 02 2008, 7:29 pm / MOOD: Sad

Sometimes it seems words just happen to make a lot of sense, they just "fit". Here's a bunch that I find meaningful right now, all are Bad Religion lyrics.

" now here I go, hope I don't break down, I won't take anything, I don't need anything, don't want to exist, I can't persist, please stop before I do it again, just talk about nothing, let's talk about nothing, let's talk about no one, please talk about no one, someone, anyone " - Infected

"everything you see leaves a mark on your soul, everything you feel leaves a mark on your soul, everything you touch leaves a mark on your soul, everything you make leaves a mark on your soul"- Marked

"everyone's looking for something, and they assume  somebody else knows what it is, no one can live without the decisions of their own, it seems so they look to someone else,
to tell them what to do, tell'em what to wear, tell'em what to say, tell'em how to act and think  and compel others compulsively until the world is all like them" - No Direction

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DATE: Jan 25 2008, 7:26 pm / MOOD: Frustrated

So far this winter I've had 3 colds and now I've managed to catch the flu. I'm feeling so frustrated and until an hour or two ago I was sinking deep into the "why me?" theories. My husband's cousin came over the other day, he forgot to tell us he had the flu and bronchitis, so I'm pretty sure that's where I got it from, I'm so mad at him. I hate being sick, earlier it was bad, my skin hurt, my head hurt, my nose was stuffy, i had a fever etc. I took tylenol and the fever just wouldn't go down, my husband's mom gave me a painkiller, I finally feel alive again, my nose is still stuffy but I'm not coughing as much, the aches and pains have finally gone away and I'm hungry for the first time since last night, it's 10:30 PM and i haven't eaten anything since last night. 

I saw that UV germ killer tool on thinkgeek, I so want it, I get sick easily and I hate being sick, I'm impossible when I'm sick. Especially when it's with the flu, I haven't even brushed my hair today, I can't tie it up, it makes my scalp hurt. I'm seriously thinking about ordering that tool, it's UV light that when pointed at an object for 10 seconds, kills all germs/bacterias etc, it'd be very practical for like public bathrooms, door knobs, keyboards etc.

I think I'm gonna go to the store and get some food soon, I want to get some jello, it's one of those things I know I can manage to keep down when I feel this bad. If you add fruit salad to it, then at least it's somewhat nutritious. 

I so hate being sick, the flu this year is bad, the cold me and my husband had earlier this month was horrible too. Everyone should be careful not to catch it this year, it really stinks.  

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DATE: Jan 06 2008, 1:57 am / MOOD: Fearful

I haven't written a blog in a while, those of you who know me know i've been super busy. It's almost 5 am right now, I can't sleep, between reading emails and gossip about Britney Spears' breakdown I just can't seem to entertain myself. I woke up a little after 4 and could not, for the life of me, go back to sleep.

For the 3rd time this winter, I have a bad cold, I caught one right before we left montreal, then another before xmas, which warranted 4 prescriptions from a doctor I saw, but I could not afford to pick them up. Then my husband caught a cold and of course I ended up with it too, put me within 50 feet of someone with a cold and I will get it. Today we dropped off the prescription for the nasal spray because I was congested to the point that trying to breath through my nose would just cause suction to happen and my nostrils to close up. When we went back to pick up the script, it was 93 dollars, just for the spray, which we can't afford. My husband's mother gave me some allegra-d which after much research appears to be safe to take with my meds, it's helped a little, but it's making me feel nervous and anxious. 

Today we also attempted to get our car's oil changed, of course, we could not find a place that'd do it, something about an aluminum cap that they can't handle. Sigh... we're over 2000 km over the recommended oil change mark.

Today I also found out that my father flew back to Quebec, over the holidays, he ended up unable to pee, they put a tube in there, but he's been peeing blood clots mostly. He went through radiation treatments for cancer, which messed up his bladder pretty bad, he flew back to quebec to see his doctor, he spends the winter in florida every year, now I'm without news and I'm worried sick. I don't know if he's been hospitalized or not. His wife callled me to let me know he was on his way to Quebec this morning, I talked to him twice this afternoon, once when he was waiting for his transfer in Toronto, then when he was on his way to the hospital. I can't help it, I'm scared, before, I could hear the will to fight in his voice, lately though, that's changed and it scares me. I miss him a lot, I'm so scared that something will happen to him.  

It's been a rough couple of months, with the move and everything and realizing just how much needed to be done with the house we bought. I've found out that I can't be around paint for extended periods of time, the fumes affect my breathing, which makes my anxiety go through the roof. We've painted the entire house ourselves, put together our new furniture, we're still sleeping on our mattress on the floor because we haven't had a chance to put our bed together. We were gonna do that this weekend, but I'm so sick that I have no energy, just going to Target to pick out curtains for our computer room has left me totally drained today. I was going to make the curtains, but I feel so sick right now that I just can't work on that and we needed drapes as soon as possible, the sun shines through the blinds which makes it impossible to see the screen. 

I've tossed and turned so much that my back is killing me, I can't even sit or stand straight. I want to wake up my husband, but he didn't sleep more than 2 hours last night and that'd just be cruel. I'm scared, sitting here alone, even though he's in the next room. I've got so much on my mind that I feel like I can't think straight. Thinking about my father's situation makes me want to cry, but I have to hold back, or I won't be able to breath at all.

I do feel a bit better now that I've written about it, I guess sometimes it does help a little to just let it out.  

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DATE: Nov 06 2007, 5:26 am / MOOD: Anxious

Today I will find out how long my father has left to live. Two years ago, he was diagnosed with prostate cancer, he had surgery to remove it right away, then radio therapy treatments, on and off since then he had been peeing blood, his doctor thought it was just the lining of his bladder which had been damaged by the treatments. Recently, his doctor found something else in his bladder, he was going to get chemo treatments, on the morning of his first treatment, it was put to a halt, they think it may have spread to his bones. He passed a scanner for it, he's getting the results today at 1 pm and I'm a total wreck..

I grew up without a dad, he was there, but he wasn't, he cheated on my mother, treated both of us like crap, he didn't care about me at all. Since the divorce, two years ago, we've grown closer, he's finally realized how important family is and has made a lot of efforts to spend time with me and get to know me, the process has been very therapeutic for me, I call it building good memories, it seems to minimize the impact of the bad memories, when you have good ones to compensate, now I'm terrified, I'm so not ready to lose him, I feel like I just found him. I remember the day he told me he'd come to my wedding, which was a 10 hours drive away for him, with a week's notice, I was so happy that I cried in the car on the way home, he had never done anything for me, nothing like that, it was big, it meant so much to me, I'm so afraid to lose him now, I've been crying almost every day since I found out things are really not looking good. 

He told my mother, last week, that he feels that he is paying for all the bad he has done in his life, in a way, I think that may be true, but if it is, I feel like I have little hope left, I want to think positive, I want to have hope, but I don't know how. I don't know how to cope with this at all, I've been trying to find a way, music used to help cope with everything, it hasn't helped much with this at all..I created a bunch of new songs, but it hasn't made me feel any better.

Despite all the bad that he's done, all the wrongs he's yet to write, i love him a lot, he's my father after all, blood is thicker than water, I've always needed him in my life so much, now he is there, I so do not want to lose him, he's finally turning things around and trying to do the right thing with those who care about him.

It's almost 8:30 am now, I know I should take my medication, to at least help me calm down and wait, I know I have a ton of things to do today, but it'll be hard to get much done, I feel so scared, I can't really explain to anyone just how I feel, I've been trying to explain it to my husband, Gore, but it is hard to understand, part of me feels like I should be angry with him, for all he's done to me, my mother raised me, alone, even though he lived with us, all I got from my father was him screaming at me, growing up. But at the same time, our relationship has evolved so much that I've somehow managed to set the past aside to develop something good, something that has helped me get past all the hurt from the past.

All I can say is that I'm terrified of what may happen today. 

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DATE: Oct 18 2007, 5:24 am / MOOD: Happy

As some of you may know, me and Gore are moving very soon, so I thought I'd make a list of what I will miss and won't miss from Montreal.

Dim Sum : There's no chinatown in Port Huron, so no dim sum, I'll actually miss that because it's one of my favorite meals.

Foufs : I'll miss it because that bar was like home away from home, they always had good shows, good music and cheap beer.

Having my mother close by : Right now she's less than two hours away, but while I know I'll miss her, I know it'll do us some good to see each other less.

What I will not miss, now that list is longer :

The Subway : I won't miss getting pushed around, trying to get off the train when nobody will let you through or trying to get out when people are pushing their way in at the same time. I won't miss people invading the space that I need to feel comfortable.

Drivers : now... that one deserves an explanation, Montreal drivers are possibly the worst on this planet. Driving anywhere makes you feel like you're putting your life on the line, just yesterday, we were driving downtown to go to dim sum for lunch and some guy, who was probably talking on his cell phone, just rammed into the car in front of him. You always have to be ready to hit the brakes, you never know when someone will just turn in front of you without any warnings or stop. I've seen people cut through 3 lanes of traffic with no warnings or turn signals, on a regular basis.

The people : People are rude here, I remember one day, I had to go out and someone was blocking my car into my parking spot, they were in the garage next door, so I go and ask them to move, they refused to. It's like you have to learn to be tough and rude to survive here and I'm tired of it, it isn't limited to people on the street, just the other day i called the satellite company i have my service with, the woman was clearly an anglophone, so i offer to speak english if that'd make her more comfortable, she got all pissy with me, like i was implying that she couldn't speak french, when all I was doing was trying to make us both more comfortable because I couldn't understand half of what she was saying.

Traffic : with what i've said about drivers, now I have to mention just how bad traffic is, there's really only two highways that will get out through montreal, so that makes for some of the most horrible traffic jams, yesterday we were on our way to the mall, for some reason driving 4 blocks took us 45 minutes. We're not quite sure what was holding up traffic, but nothing was moving, for 3 lights cycle, I didn't move even an inch. There's always people trying to get through faster, by using the park lane, then they try to cut you off, to get back in the right lane.

The Stress : all the things i've listed above make for a stressful life, traffic ? you have to plan everything you do, like if you want to go to one of the nicer malls outside of town, then you have to go early or after dinner, otherwise you'll be stuck in traffic, want to go shopping ? make sure to come back before 3, or it'll be hell. Take side streets to avoid drivers. Everytime you go out, you stress about what will people do to ruin your day,

In all my time here, I've had to walk by a guy jerking off on a dark porch, put up with a guy dropping his pants in front of me, in the middle of the day, in January, and it was snowing that day too. One time, I was stopped, waiting for a woman to back out of a parking spot, she was taking her time, i had been waiting for almost 10 minutes, when some idiot, got into his car and backed up right into mine. when I got out of my car to ask him what his problem was, he grabbed me by the arm.

I feel that living here has contributed to my anxiety, big time, I'm weary of going anywhere, because you never know what you'll have to deal with. I still remember that woman at wal-mart that kept bumping into me with her cart, while waiting at the check out, that went on for a good 20 minutes, everytime I'd turn around and look at her, when I finally said something about it, her daughter started cursing at me, f... f... f.., we had a good laugh over that one though, she sounded like a chicken clucking.

Nobody should have to live like this, there's all this talk that's been going on for almost 30 years about quebec splitting from the rest of canada and being it's own country, personally i think it'd be a blood bath, nobody here has any respect for others, especially in the city. I could always deal with SA before, moving to the city, caused me to start piling up things inside, then it blew up in my face, i started having panic attacks repeatedly and ended up getting diagnosed with not only SA, but also panic disorder.

When we went to visit Gore's mom and got married there, I felt like I had just walked into heaven, I could go to a store without needing medication before and after, people on the roads are friendly, they let you through when you're trying to get out of a parking lot in traffic, traffic jams here make me tense, i tend to look to the side of the road, not to watch the other cars, because that makes me anxious, there I was fine. I didn't have a single panic attack while we were there, we planned a wedding in 3 days, on our wedding day, i only took 1 klonopin, and I was fine. My anxiety level decreased more and more every day we spent there.


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DATE: Oct 13 2007, 7:47 am / MOOD: Don't know

Yesterday was a really hard day for me, it was my last day of work, I had only slept 5 hours after getting 6 fillings done, I was in pain and I just wasn't feeling well, I think it was the aftermath of the anesthesia at the dentist, I felt nauseous all day and my head hurt. 

I worked there from June 2006 until yesterday, never felt appreciated, nobody ever did, the company we worked for has contracts for tech support for other companies. They didn't care at all about their employees, when I started having panic attacks, I asked if I could work from home for a while, because I felt safe there and it'd help me recover, I told my manager the whole story, was completely honest, it was hard and it was all for nothing, he told me it'd make others jealous and they'd have to do it for other people, then never got back to me on the issue. They just didn't care about their employees, as long as you showed up for work and did your job, that's all they cared about. 

On my last day, instead of getting goodbyes and good luck from my team lead, i got my final evaluation, which was due in June, not now. He took the time to tell me everything people said behind my back while i was on sick leave due to SA and panic disorder. People on my team that is. It hurt, really badly, I was speechless, I couldn't get a single word out, my throat closed up, it was almost like hiccups, I was gasping for air, he had to get me a glass of water. No thank you, no you'll be missed, just a here's what people said about you behind your back. In a way, I gained respect for him for it, because he was honest, but at the same time, it hurt and still does. Especially when it comes to one person, whom I thought of as a friend.

The only good in my last day at work came from a client, a client who had always been nice, he found out I was leaving from another client at the same site and sent me a personal email. Here's what he sent me : 

Hello Fannie,

Just heard from xxxx that you are leaving xxx, today. I'm really sorry to hear that!  I will really miss your expert help with my xxx queries and the quick turnaround of my Remedy tickets.

Thank you so much for all your help and your friendly / professional service.. I wish you all the very best and every success in your new job.

You will be greatly missed at xxx site!

Kindest regards,

xxx

 

I finally felt appreciated by someone there, so I took the time to thank him and give him my personal email address, so that we could stay in touch, people who have that kind of kindness are not all that common, especially where I worked. That email helped me get through the day, at least one personal appreciated the work I did there. The way that company works is that they don't care what you do well, when you get an evaluation, they only talk to you about what they think you do wrong. I'm glad I'm gone from there, but I will miss the few people that did care about what we do right, the clients we helped every day. I always had a very high customer satisfaction rate, that wasn't even brought up. I'd have liked to end my time there on a positive note, instead it ended on a very negative one. The last thing my manager said to me wasn't goodbye, it was where's your pass.  

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DATE: Oct 11 2007, 5:56 am / MOOD: Anxious

I have a dentist appointment tonight, I went two days ago, felt panicky all day before that and spent all my energy packing to make it stop. But today is worst, I've got some cavities they need to fix... which means I have to get a shot or more in the gums... which I hate, I'm deadly afraid of needles, I mean piercing needles and tattoo needles are fine, but if it's an IV or a syringe, I can't stand it, it scares me to death. 

I'm nervous about it, it's not even 9 am and the appointment's at 7 pm and I'm already starting to feel tense inside and jittery, or maybe that's just the coffee, but anyways, I so hate going to the dentist, I've had too many bad experiences there, it makes it hard to look forward to, but at least it'll be done and it'll be covered by my work insurance, before my last day there, which is tomorrow. That's the one thing that makes me really happy right now.  

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