Anxiety

DATE: Mar 05 2010, 2:11 am / MOOD: Anxious

Jo and mike have a friend named Curtis. He's my age, long hair, has a job AND a car *no way!*, is a stoner, has 3 kids he absolutely loves and is totally in their lives...and i have this HUGE crush on him. Well, i thought i was safe because i only see him when he comes by jo's once a week or so.  but now, jo's next door neighbor, our "brother" johnny the junkie, is moving out. jo told curtis he should rent the house. i mean, what single guy wouldn't wanna live in a house over looking a lake and a wondermous sunset every night? holy crap, y'all...*that was my britney spears impersonation*  what am i gonna do if he moves right friggin next door?!?! my head's gonna explode, i swear.

my phone keeps beeping at me. *cover your ears, here's where i yell at my phone* I KNOW YOU'RE ABOUT TO DIE!!! SHUT UP! I HEAR YOU, DAMMIT! I'LL PLUG YOU IN WHEN I'M FRIGGIN READY, DIG???   ok, i'm done.

jo, deanna and i had a wonderful day. we went to the food bank, then returned with a ton of bags and boxes, which they totally appreciated. then we got some lunch, went to this killer "variety store", and finally got our nails did. *lol...did..*   this "variety store" was this lil hole in the wall store that sold all kinds of stuff from incense to glass pieces to posters to blankets. i saw soooooooo many bob marley things in NEED!! i did get a framed poster of him and a mama box of Nag Champa, my favorite any only incense. also got 3 bob lighters, one of which i gave to Cheech.

so....after our wonderful day, we dropped off deanna and went to walmart so i could get a few things. mom called my cell phone. grandma had a stroke. she was found at 1:30pm on the floor of her place, still in her pajamas. she's doing much better now, thank Goddess. she is weak on her left side, but she's in good spirits and talking. she's so strong. she's 85 but lemme tell ya, this woman bought herself a kayak at age 83! she's a vegetarian and totally takes care of herself. i know she'll be fine. i'll just keep praying and things can only get better. its just so scary. she's the matriarch of our family.

its after 2am and chrissy is a tired flower.

g'night..er..uh...morning. thank you for listening...again.

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DATE: Mar 02 2010, 10:29 pm / MOOD: Sad

Ani says this... *i hope i get this right*

"Cuz i'm a little pixie, i'm a paper doll, i'm a cartoon..i'm the chipper,cheerful free-for-all and i light up a room. I'm the "color me happy" girl, "miss live and let live"...and when it comes to blood i always.....give.."

i really did have a good day today. we kidnapped deanna,took her son for a foot xray, dropped him off at school and me, jo, and deanna went to Happy Teryaki for lunch. it was a nice time. we hung out at jo's for awhile here and there, smoked a few bowls and just talked and laughed. D needs to get out of her house, she going nuts. i'm glad we saved her today. i really missed her. she's an awesome person.

i don't know why i had that song up there in my head all day. ani difranco does that to me once in awhile...haunts me.

i hope everyone is ok tonight. i'm hella anxious and feel like running down the street nekkid...but trust me, NOBODY wants to see that. got rid of all my klonopin so i just have like 13 xanax to last me a month. i did it to myself on purpose. now, let's see if i can handle it.

watched a movie with Robert DeNiro last night called "15 Minutes". pretty good movie. check it out if its ever on tv or cable. that's where i caught it.

good night, my lovelies. all my luffs.

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DATE: Feb 28 2010, 9:50 pm / MOOD: Angry

so last night half of jo's tattoo came off. it was all infected underneath and now she's got this crater in her wrist in the shape of sort of an upside down horseshoe. its ugly and horrible and mike wants to kick dude's ass for doing that to his wife. wanna know the kicker? jo is taking mary BACK to get the ugly huge ass rose on her neck finished.

There's a Jane's Addiction song where Perry sings "some people SHOULD die...that's just unconscious knowledge.".  i don't think mary should die for taking jo there. i mean, jo did it all on her own. but i want mary to suffer for her f'ing stupidity. i want her to suffer. its about damn time that f'ing woman suffers for all the bullsh*t she's brought to this world. i've never wanted to hit someone so bad in my life. i wanna f@ckin clock her. FOR EVERYTHING.

sorry for yelling. xanax time. luff you's.

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DATE: Feb 25 2010, 10:44 pm / MOOD: Frustrated

i slept til 3pm today. got up, changed my clothes, brushed my hair and drove to my first "new therapist" therapy appt. i was supposed to go shopping with jo during the day but i called her and told her i'd just see her after my appt. after all, it IS thursday...survivor is on tonight!

my session was good. his name is Paul and he asked a lot of questions and i answered them as truthfully as possible. why lie? i will see him every month..provided i survive the month.

my sister was a bitch tonight. eyebrows furrowed, her nose wrinkled and her mouth all twisted. snapping at everyone. her with this "holier than thou" attitude. i was telling her a story about when i stopped to get some coffee and she cuts me off right in the middle and starts yelling at me about how much coffee i drink *which isn't much anymore* and how drinking so much coffee put me in the hospital and did i want to be there again, vomitting blood? Did i? Huh? Well?:??????  she treats me like a f@cking child. i told her that  maybe if she hadn't interrupted me, she would've heard the rest of the story and would have had no need to yell at me or lecture me. but, of course, i was wrong. my fault, remember? so i said "oh, i forgot, i'm not allowed to talk about normal everyday things going on in my life" and jo said "that's right". nice, huh. why do i put up with such abuse? because i love her and she my sister and practically my lifeline. i hate that about myself. so many people came by her place today, including curtis, that i have a crush on...*sssshhhhhh* and i like to be there for company. lately, i feel like i'm a burden, and that's my biggest fear. if i'm a burden, i'm outta there. but i can't.

i want to sleep for days. just sleep and leave me alone. if i die in a diabetic coma for not eating, i leave all my bob marley pics to gabby and jo and mike can split my weed. just smoke one last fatty spliff for me, ok?

i feel like i'm boo-hoo'in....oh woe is me...guess i'll go eat worms.

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DATE: Feb 21 2010, 10:15 pm / MOOD: Okay

this morning after mom's meeting at work, we drove up to Snoqualmie Casino in my car *whew* and had some fun for a few hours. I was up and down. i like to play the slots. :) mom walked out with 220 bucks!! She's got some will power! lol    then i drove us to Seattle and we drove around and through Pike Place Market a couple times. its sooooo cool to just roll down your windows and turn off your radio and just soak it all in. its so wonderful... the smells will drive you crazy..and so many interesting people! Always!! We always drive reeeeaaaallll slow thru the market because there's so many people AND we're always looking for a parking spot.

soooooo many stoooopud people out there, my friends. no wonder i'm agoraphobic! dumb drivers. just dumb people. once, i was in an elevator at the hospital with my sis and there was a volunteer pamphlet on the wall. she's like "why don't you volunteer? get out of the house..some fresh air.." blah blah blah. I said, as monotone as i could "i don't like people". the chick in the elevator got a chuckle out of that. seriously. i love you guys because i can write and you can read or not read...comment or not comment. i appreciate that. no judgement here.

Big Anthony at Seeley Lake Lodge, that place I went to a couple years ago for ONE NIGHT...i told him jo gives me "tough love". he said to me "you don't need tough love. you just need love.". that's what i tell jo all the time when she professes her "tough love" to me. i'm not an idiot...er...at least i don't tink i is...

my siamese lollie has been squeaking all day. that's how she talks. no real meows..just squeaks. she's trying to tell me something but i'm just not picking up on it. i have succeeded in making her my stoner kitty. she gloms onto my right thigh at night when we're watching tv and i blow my hits at her and pet her at the same time. at first she jumped off the bed...now she looks up and closes her eyes and waits for it. so funny! I know...some of you may think its cruel, but she's 11 years old and its not gonna hurt her. Herb's a gift from the earth, and what's from the earth is of the greatest worth. Know who said that? Ben Harper. Check him out. he's an awesome musician.

i've just succumbed to the fact that my sister is a liar to me. period. i can see it on her face and in her eyes and if i dont catch it there, i find out later. im just done with being upset about it. i'm just laughing now. whatever, dude. that's what i've got to say. tttthhhhppppbpbbb!!!!! 

i'ma get a popeye tat...because iyam what iyam and that's all that iyam! :)

lufffffs!!

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DATE: Feb 20 2010, 11:44 pm / MOOD: Sleepy

NOBODY! Yeah, Jo, my sister, planned this little get together, bought food to make these killer snackins, i even helped cook and i'm just the BoxDinnerQueen! Nobody but Heather,our dear friend,showed. so, we had a nice quiet evening and it was just me, heather, jo, and mike, my bro-in-law. We watched "law abiding citizen" with the ever-so HAWT Gerard Butler. Wait...just thinking about him...i do believe i'm gettin' the vapors..lol now i'm home and its quiet and i've left a note for mom to see if she would like to spend some time with her daughter tomorrow. yeah...uh...me.

today i acquired an extra $20 and slipped into Heather's cig pack so she could go get her foot cream. its so damn expensive and she just doesn't have the money for it. her feet are infected with staph and they're just getting better. i don't want them to get worse.

after that day i met Dante, things have changed a bit. i'm so much calmer when i feel like i should be going apesh*t. i saved half my breakfast from denny's the other day, then got a free McDouble at MickyD's, so I gave it all to a man on the offramp off the freeway. he was holding a sign that said, "sometimes we all need just a little help".   I actually said "God Bless" and i don't believe in the Christian God. But i know my God will bless and keep him. that's all i need to know.

i really wanted to see Deanna and Jason tonight, but their car was leaking oil and D just put a thousand bucks into fixing it, now this. So jason was real pissy and everyone was screaming and yelling in the background *we were on the phone* and it just wasn't happening. i was even willing to go pick them up. i miss them and pray for them every night. they are great people and i want them to be happy.

the fingers on my right hand are freezing cold. lol

isis is in my lap, purring away and waiting for us to go up to the treehouse and resume our evening. Shoooot....its only 11:40pm and i don't even think about laying down til 3am. Fuggedaboudit...

oh, one more thang...Albertson's was having a sale on diet Dr. Pepper *tastes like the real thing!* for only 12 cents a 2ltr!! AND Rain Gatorade for a buck! finally, cuz i'm sooooo sick of just water all the time. i know its good for me and i really do dig water, but sometimes a girl needs flava...or carbonation..or both. ya know?

nigh-nights...and thanks for listening again.

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DATE: Feb 17 2010, 7:21 pm / MOOD: Tired

yep, tired. tired of all the bullsh*t. my sister and i have had a pact for years that we'd get our zodiac signs tatt'd at the same time..together. she went with mary and her 17 year old yesterday and got it. that's fuct up.on top of that, her husband was hysterical because when he came home from work she was nowhere to be found and her cellphone was on the coffee table. we had people calling hospitals, the police stations. and do you know what she said??? "that was a bit overboard". I told her that was good to know because that just means when someone she loves is uncharacteristically missing for hours on end, she would't lift a friggin finger to help find them. yep, good to know.

broke one of my back teeth tonight. yay, dentist! ppppttttthhhhh....

i feel lost and undone. i don't know who to trust and who to comfort. i'm lied to constantly by my sister and johnny. i'm just sick of it.

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DATE: Feb 16 2010, 12:21 am / MOOD: Anxious

I was supposed to go to Sooz's house that day but i just couldn't pull myself out of bed. i don't even think i medicated myself to stay asleep. just depression. whatever. i got over it. today was a good day. i spent it with my sister and we had lost of visitors to her house..including Curtis. yeah..i kinda have a crush on him. he's only 2 years older than me and he's really actually smart for being a pothead. he's got 3 kids. which makes me leary...i'm not really a kid person unless i'm an auntie. i dunno, he's just cool to kick it with and talk to.

my tattoo is healing rather nicely. i found some cool gemini signs online..so many to choose from. that's my next tat. i actually found one with dragonflies. dragonflies are my animal spirit guide. all my tats are dragonflies..except the one i just got cuz its all words. duh..lol.

i'm rambling for no reason. i'm having serious anxiety. my hands are shaking and i feel so cold that my muscles around my ribs are cramping. what the french? k..i'm gonna go.  thanks again for listening. luff you all.

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DATE: Feb 10 2010, 8:32 pm / MOOD: Thankful

Finally got at least half of my brain meds today. She cut my Cymbalta in half, which i'm fine with me, but my insurance wont pay for the zyprexa. Wish me luck that's cleared up in the next few days.

i feel undone. whirling around and not moving a muscle...except the ones that twitch by themselves *lol*  6mg's of klonopin hasn't touched me. yeah, i'm super-duper losin it. S'alright...i'm sure i'll be back. not that i'm leaving here. at least not "this personality". *lol* my sister SWEARS i have like 8 of 'em. She can name them all. I had no idea, really. I'm just me. was also just diagnosed "schizo-effective". interesting.

i love my new tattoo. I'll try to take a pic of it and post it. its kinda awkward because it's around the front of my wrist. I'll see what I can do. I wanna share my inspiration with you. My mom thought people might get the wrong idea of what "don't let me get me" means...but i know what it means to me.

i like Pink. Its just that she's so friggin real and her music is from her soul and it always makes me cry and that makes my heart hurt. I don't like that feeling. But i respek the hell outta her. :)

i feel alone. i keep forgetting what i was about to say, so the thought that i've tried so hard to formulate is now gone and lost in my whirling twirling brain and i've got a "mud clot". its gone. just a buncha words that don't form a thought anymore, but yet still muddles my brain.  Man, I can't wait to start therapy. I need a human in front of me to listen. i need to see caring eyes and a nodding head of understanding. At least pretend.

another reason i appreciate this place so much. i can "talk" and you can read it or not..you can respond or not..either way is ok with me. just thanks for listening.

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DATE: Feb 06 2010, 11:26 pm / MOOD: Sad

I cried a couple times today. its alright. i also took 4mgs of klonapin and stayed wide awake through it all. did it calm me? not really. i've lost a huge part of my heart. there's just no tellin' when its going to be ok in my head again. i'm trying soooo hard to keep it together. i feel like a robot, a droid.. something someone built, or at least re-wired so on the outside i'm all "normal" and sh*t while on the inside the chimps are throwing crap at eachother and there's a huge food-fight going on and i'm just not having any fun. plus, THIS personality has to clean up the messes once its all said and done.

monday i have an appt with a new psych meds manager. i'm excited. i want more energy or i want total numbness. and yes, apparently that IS too much to ask.

got my tattoo. did i tell you guys? took 7 minutes. says "don't let me get me". Pink is brilliant. that line means volumes to me. its a reminder to myself that i'm better than i think i am...i'm worth more than i think i am *at least anotha buck-fitty..lol*...i am stronger than i think i am..i can accomplish things i think i can't.  i'm my own worse enemy and this tat is my life time reminder to never EVER again settle for the menial bullsh*t i always think i'm "just" worthy of.

We need to really start taking care of ourselves. I'ma start with me and let you guys do yo thang. i'm not a professional, nor do i play one on tv, however, i'm a great friend, a great communicator and a great listener. I'm here. just as I know you are. sometimes we're not looking for answers, sometimes we just need to talk.

g'nite.

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