Sep 12 2008, 6:44 pm / Lonely
Why am I the way I am. It's true, I do not have all the answers. Not even close. In my writing, I try to uncomplicate my language by leaving my words naked, and free from emotion through style. I am writing simple, because my thoughts are crowded with unsimple drama. Im trying to escape myself through creating an uncomplicated letter to myself. Why am I such an emotionally dependant person. Why is that. Why do I feel the need to have someone love me in order for me to feel some sort of self worth. I am overly sensitive, and become emotionally distraught over diminutive things in my life. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I allow myself to become victomized through my emotions. Why. I do not know. I am an obsessive person in many ways. I obsess. I become consumed by obsession. I want to feel normal. What is normal. To feel typical, customary, common, average, routine, conventional. I do not know what that means. As a child, I can remember worrying about everything. Anything I could think of worrying about, I did. Sometimes I feel like I want a ticket out. I want to go to a place where my mind can be at peace. I look around at people sometimes, and there is not one person I wouldn't rather be. It may sound like a cliche even to myself, but somehow the grass may be greener on the otherside. When I was on Effexor, My problems and worries would somehow hybernate for a certain amount of time. This does not mean they were not present, and I was not aware. My worries and problems were put on a shelf. I felt numb, and lifeless on some ocassions. I felt and still presently feel sometimes like I am in limbo. I don't know where I belong! I don't quite understand the full meaning of my emotions and feelings. I am a person who loves to laugh. I am funny, and goofy. I am sensitive to others. I still wear my heart on my sleeve, because that is who I am. I am stubborn, and very sensitive. I love people, and children. I am patient and impatient. I have yet to gain the knowledge of self love. Someday I would like to obtain this knowledge. If it even is a knowledge. I am my gradfather's favorite. My mother told me that. Why was I his favorite. What made me more loveable than my five other siblings. I do not gloat when I mention this small detail of my childhood. I am mearly questioning why. I do not know. Maybe if I lean over a pond, and see my reflection in the water, I can see myself better, but there are no ponds near me. I do not enjoy looking in the mirror everyday. I see who they saw as a child in school. Someone who wasn't worth an opinion. I have nothing to hide. I do not know all the answers. Although one or two would be nice. Sincerely, Josie
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