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telling the truth

omnicell
By: omnicell
Mood: Other
Date: Mar 19, 2013
Music: None


Interacting through words on a white electronic sheet of paper creates the ability of ( gaining feedback). It is easier to communicate and online then with a real person for a dissociative,  that is why I need and love to write blogs online.


 


I talked to an old sponsor who is also my payee. I told her about dissociative disorder and what its like to be me. She asked if I had shared about it in the new 12 step groups. I said no. She asked why I did not share it. I thought to myself that it would be to revealing. She suggested that the reason I was in the 12 step groups was to reveal things. So today;


I told everyone that I had no real relationships with people for 30 years. I started to wake up from my problems a few years ago. I studied dating tapes and dvd's and everything else I could get on the subject to learn how to be attractive and approach people. Dissociative amnesia destroys your memories or buries them to the point of not knowing who you are or how to interact.  One has to start over at step one.  One step at a time. 


It went well. I wish I had shut up a bit. I went on for to long, acting as if I knew what I was talking about.


Its a strange thing to tell a full room of people that you have not had a girl friend for 30 years ( not one to brag about). You don't feel like a real man or a real person when you tell people this. You feel like half a man. I was OK..


Everyone laughed and was interested in what I knew about women. Even the women were curious.


The truth is good enough...


Im attempting to get to the starting line and then learn to take simple chances. The more honest I am about my real situation and the truth, the better chance I give myself to get to that starting line and not stay in the freeze state.


When I tell the real truth,  the brutal truth about myself the past dies and is no more.  This is a rough thing.  I was dependent on the past,  it was all I had.  It made me what I am.  It built my fantasies.   If I let go of the past,  who am I now.  No one!   What good is that.  If I cant function in the present then I cant become someone,  what good is that!  These are the ideas I wrestle with on a daily basis,  a strange basis of denial. 


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Movement has started in my apartment. Things are starting to change. Ive been hiding in this cave and now it is going to be changed into a living experience.


All things are anxiety with PTSD. So, Im doing the real world things to make life easier to gain some relief.


Im still praying about a new mountain bike. Its important to understand that when I have high anxiety I might buy something to relieve that pain. Im taking things to God....  I do not want to buy a new bike just because Im trying to avoid my pain from another situation.  Or,  avoid or relieve,  or believe I can relieve anxiety from another situation. This could get expensive;  attempting to relieve the pain by buying high end mountain bikes;  thus because I would end up in extreme debt,  I refrain. 


I thought I was better then the girl from the meetings.. That is what has caused all of this problem and all of these blogs concerning her.. I have a lot of confusing work to do on myself. A girl with a pure love for me and I think I am better. This is a most horrible thing I have to work on. I write what I need and want to write, Im not interested in what others think...


I am asking God that I let go of this women from the meetings;  it is time.  She let go of me along time ago.  Now,  it is my turn to let go.  I have taken my case to God concerning this matter.  He has the information of my witnessing dialog concerning this women≥   Now I would like to let this go.  I must trust on God!


I like blogging.... Its very interesting.