late night blog: average results is OK
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By:
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omnicell
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Mood:
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Other
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Date:
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Nov 23, 2012
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Music:
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None
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I place allot of hope on what others feel towards me or think of me. I am often disappointed with people. They don't like me when theirs no reason not to. They do not see my worth. Im quit frustrated with all of this.
If I had money or position, this would be different.. If I was famous this would be different.
When Im sitting with people, Im half me, half PTSD from another time. It makes things extremely difficult to socially interact. Agitated anxiety as Im sitting alone with a room full of people. Im grateful to have a place to go..
Something positive happened in the meetings tonight. As I was looking around at the click fake people, I said something to myself: these people did not invite me to Thanks Giving . I had no where to go.. They were all boasting about eating great amounts of food from there feasts. I had nothing. I had some food. I was alone..
I looked at these people like: no one asked me anything. How I felt, who I was, nothing!, they didn't care. What are you doing for Thanks Giving.. Its because I have no value to them. Now I know why they have no value period. I begin to look them in the eye with no flexion, as I could see he demons . I no longer cared about what they thought of me. They made me sick... This is a good thing. It means Im beginning to see the truth in others, and those who are not worth my time, need not be in my time.
I do not need to give people credit that do not deserve it. I have been judged by these people, yet, never asked anything.. Incredible!
Some people said hello to me. Im in a second class role within these groups. everyone likes me, yet, Im not popular.. I have low social status...
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Im looking forward to letting go of the girl in the meetings. I don't think she is coming back. I am not her cup of tea I suppose. This is a good time to reach out to others, all tho it scares me to be judged by others. And I will see this girl stare at me again and again, and walk by me for attention then turn her back and leave as if I was never there. Its all fun and games for these people. Now I know why I've been told to ask them out for coffee as soon as possible. One wants to know if they are a waist of time..
I cannot sweep someone off there feet. Im not sure where to take them.... Liking someone does not seem enough.. Possibly I am immature and looking at things from the processes of a child; I felt money being more important then friendship is wrong.. Possibly Im immature...
No matter, I would like to let go of people that have no value for me and move on with my life. !
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