i actually have to win
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By:
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bridgie101
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Mood:
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Other
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Date:
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Mar 19, 2013
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Music:
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None
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here I am, having taken my "forty years in the wilderness" in this place, my mad post-divorce idiot decision to move here, so I have to win.
When I broke up with the husband I hadn't had a proper job in years, excecpt for 3 years working as his administration manager. I had no objective way to know if I was any good at anything - or not.
my self esteem was reliant on ideas and dreams of long ago. i had nothing concrete.
I moved here, i had to get a job. I had to survive. I had to keep putting food on teh table, paying rent. I felt like an idiot. I felt retarded.
this job was the only place that didn't ask for references. They didn't care. They run an operation where if they don't like you they can sack you with 2 days' notice.
Job security? Not. you get job security by being indespensible. And also because the general manager is a decent guy. So in this situation it's okay.
i have had to go back to work and learn how to interact with people. Learn how to cope with being upset with them. Learn how to cope with them being upset with me. It's been terrifying. I have had many times when i wanted to run away. Go on welfare, which I can (I have a child still at home), hide in my home, become a hermit, escape the game, opt out of this hell that is life.
But thing is: I'm getting better at it!
i remember a few months ago, Tim terrified me. He was horrible whenever he wanted. The rules are that at smoko people are their own man. There are no rules but the rules of the pub or street. There is no monitoring of people in their free time. And so people who wish to be arseholes, are arseholes in the smoko breaks.
I was terrified of smoko break. Terrified. I used to hide. Tim had a following. They suck up, they laugh at his jokes. What I have discovered and it's alleviated some anxiety - is that most of the people there think he's a pos jerk. They're not impressed. This makes me feel like I am in the same world as the others. Like reality is true, and seen, and I am not in a kafka novel or some freaky thriller where everyone else thinks x but I happen to know y.
It alleviates anxiety to have others think he's a pos too! Who knew? :) I don't care what he does now - by now I mean today! :D - because he's a dick. Other people think he's a dick. i'm seeing other people dealing with him, and you can see they think he's a dick. it's fantastic!
And me? standing there and taking his sh*t? I didn't fall. i didn't crumble. I don't look like a dick. There's nothing anyone can do about that: because it's true. Nobody can make it not be true. I'm still standing.
I used to say I had to win. I used to say, and this was in the peak of anxiety where every nerve screamed at me to run - that I have to win. I have to stay. If I run from this horror that is people, it will run after me. It will follow me wherever I go.
I will end up that person who lives alone and brings out potted cuttings onto the street verge every day to sell. I will end up that person whose only human interaction is when she says 'i'll take a copy of the times please' at the local corner store every day.
I will become the woman with nothing on her cv.
This job has been a godsend. It has been hell, it has been devastating, but it has been a godsend.
Whatever you guys do, get a job. Even if it's one day a week volunteering at the cat's protection league. Get out there and force yourself to deal with people. The urge to hide is so strong but it GOES AWAY.
it goes away! After a few frights it starts to go away, if you learn how to behave, if you learn the rules you have to learn, are careful for a while. As you start to find friends, people you talk to. And what am I learning? I am learning that underneath me are a whole lot of people in a worse state than me that I can reach out and help. There are a couple of people at work I can help. I'm not as bad as I think. I'm doing my work, I'm earning respect, I'm getting things done, and slowly the ones who are even shyer than me are gravitating towards me.
and I know how to look after them, because I've been there.
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