im Just Going to let Everything Out, so Sorry if i Go On,
Well First things first, i Say i Wanna Do all these hobbies, but when it comes down to it, i dont wanna do them on my own, but i'll have too. because i have nobody..... im Starting to get used to only having my mum as a friend, and if i do ever go back to college, im going to stuggle so much making friends, and that.
Things with My Other family, my dad, step mum, and little sister and baby brother are .... well. im feeling very left out.
i met my dad when i was 15, and we had a massive fall out when i was 16, and we dident see each other, or speak to each other for agers, i missed his wedding and i missed my baby brother being born, and yeah, it hurts. but when he finally made up i was over the moon i could be back into their lives, but it doesnt feel like i am? when i see them, i just feel in the way,
When im at theres, were at their house, just watching telly, and im mostly with my baby brother, and little sister, so i hardy spend any time with my dad, dont get me wrong, i love spending with with my sister and brother, (taylor&josh) but i feel like me and my dad hardy speak.....
and im at there house like a few hours, and then i have to leave, because my step mum wants to see her parents, i feel like im the past person they care about, and then i see pictures on facebook where they been out to dinner, and my dads parents, who i love! they always make me laugh, and there at the dinner, and i hate it, but i hardy ever get to see my granparents, hmmm. i dont know. i know its hard for them to see me, because i live in the city, and they live just out of the city, but still. i guess i just feel left out, the odd one out?? Paula's needs come first. (my step mum) i really like paula, but i cant talk to her about this, she might take it in the wrong way, and i wanna tell my dad, but i guess i just feel silly.
i just hate it. i am missing out on taylors and joshes life, and i wanna see my granparents more. i just dont know how to say it,
these past few weeks have been really hard, i really wanted to cut my arms the other day, just hate feeling so down,
im Stressed about money. my mum was getting child benifit for me, but now they stopped it, so that means i have to sign on to job seekers, and iv asked people what its like to be on job seekers, and iv seen things on tv about it, and they force people out to work. and you have to look for work, and if you dont, you stop getting the money. and the way i am , i cant work. so i dont know what im going to do! i need the money, but i really dont feel like i can work, i cant even hold down college. never mind work.
they is just so much on my mind. i want to escape. my thoughts are jumping around in my head, i want to scream. because nobody seems to be able to help me.