Overload!
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By:
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Aerii
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Mood:
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Fearful
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Date:
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Mar 08, 2013
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Music:
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Tim McGraw - It's your love
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Okay so this one is a doozy.. I will start in the middle, or the end, whichever it seems like... Today I asked D if we could go see a movie this weekend, he said he will likely be working, so I asked about Sunday because we dont work but he informed me that it is his mothers birthday, so I said saturday after work because I have been wanting to see this movie for a while. Well he gave me one condition, that I attend and bare his mothers birthday dinner, I instantly agreed because I feel like I could use a date night.. So here is where I start to panic... I never know what to say, I always panic, and they all tease me which causes me to choke on my food... so I am freaking out because it is very difficult to sit down to dinner with them... Okay so here is the rest, or the beginning? Me and D think I am pregnant, we do not know for sure as of yet but as it stands he is constantly reminding me that we are not financially stable enough for a child, which has me freaking out. While I know he loves children and does want them I know he is freaking out, and I am pretty sure he doesn't want a child yet. He asked me what I would do if I am, I was honest. I told D that I would immediately get a higher paying job and start saving for everything I would need. I told him that while right now my life may not be in the right state for such a thing but I would make big changes to make sure everything would be okay. So how this all fits together, he tells his mother EVERYTHING, she knows when we fight, when he is mad at me, and when he is avoiding me, and she always knows why. I know he needs someone to talk to like anyone else, but it kills me to know that she knows everything and it makes our meetings even more difficult for me. So I am terrified that she may know all of this, I am afraid of what she may say. When me and my ex fiance found out we were expecting his mother would tell me she was happy for us and start yelling at me about it and still tell me she was happy for me, she also then decided she was in charge of the wedding and tried to push it, she even told me to loose weight so I could wear her wedding dress. My stress levels were way too high, and with 75% of my eggs being bad since birth (Damn genetics) I ended up loosing the baby at 4 months, the doctor told me that I did everything right, that what happened could not have been prevented. I am terrified of losing another baby, not of becoming a parent. While yes I may only be 23 I am mentally ready to settle down and have a family, and I am also not afraid to do it alone. I am already thinking about ways to get out of this dinner, but I know I can't, I promised I would be there and I do not break promises. I am shaking even thinking about Sunday and what kind of comments I am going to recieve. I sincerely hope he has not told his mother yet....
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