Oct 2nd 2013

By: omnicell
Mood: Other
Date: Oct 02, 2013
Music: None

Had a 12 step birthday yesterday! 50 people all looking at me and saying all kinds of nice things.. I learned a great deal about how people see me and How I influence them!

A few points that were brought up! Im an angry person.. I have told these people a million times about the PTSD dissociative condition; seems to go over there heads! They do not understand the deeper nature of things.. for them, you are either pleasant or you are not! you are someone they can approach or you are not! you are safe or you are not!..

Im in a place that gives fantastic feedback, God has brought me to so many different areas of recovery !

Im learning that I have contempt for myself! and it spills over into others lives who get in my target area.. When they are in the target area, I attack with aggression! Yet, it appears as silence to others. ITs inside of me and no one sees it..

Im learning a few things.. One must communicate ! not just think!

I must talk to the people myself; side channeled communication does not work. Telling the person next to me to talk to someone for me does not work! I wish it did! It doesn't not work! people are not honest! jealous spiteful people will lie and make things up; they cant be trusted.

I did not say I liked this!

Ive found in the real world when dealing with people in a community one must talk directly, this is the best way for information to travel. The best way for communication to travel is the direct way! if information is side vented, it may die off!

depending on other human beings to represent information on my behalf will not work unless you pay them..

Im not going to kill myself, Im not going to use drugs and alcohol to hide; now what!

I keep getting fired by life; that is why I have to continue to go to the 12 step meetings…

Im attempting to work through an area of my life that I was convinced to be thrown away. I was convinced to hate myself . ITs such a horribly deplorable situation to deal with. I was so innocent and I was taken for a ride. I was taken advantage of.

It was a disservice what they did to me!

The people that hurt me, and ran me over and destroyed me are very bad examples of the human race; the human existence, and very dangerous people! society has no right in allowing such people around minors.. They are not safe people to be around minors… minors are not safe around people like this.

I was brain washed into caring more about what these sycophants wanted then what I wanted, and Im trying to change this! That I come back to reality! fear plays a big part in dissociation.

Its heartbreaking for me that the people I loved and cherished as a young person, actually and secretly hated me and couldn't wait for me to leave and never return. I thought I was apart there family or there lives, I guess I was wrong! How wrong could I have been! I thought I was friends with these people. Nothing could be further from the truth! I was never wanted within a thousand feet of the street they lived on! They thought they were better!

I was an object of immediacy and nothing more! they did not need me! they had there spoiled privilege! They had every advantage! and no appreciation. Why did I walk into this spiders nest mess in the first place! I was so close minded and naive! and it cost me! I never had a chance, I did not know what was going on!

Now Im attempting to look at my past and change things.. This is humiliating and very scary!

I have God! One day at a time!


From: tooney
Oct 02 2013, 4:27 pm