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OCt 20th 2013; morning blog

omnicell
By: omnicell
Mood: Other
Date: Oct 20, 2013
Music: None


Hard day yesterday! ITs lonely right now as I battle to learn new info about living, that I may reach out to others and have relationships.. Im in a dry run! Its an uphill climb to get my confidence back; its happening day by day as I surface!

Journal:

And Im looking back at the useless memories of fighting with are being concerned and scared and rigid while my father is arguing with everyone when I was skiing..

Im on the rope-toe by the ski lodge, he is arguing , wanting it his way in order to teach me something! I remember fighting him and wondering why he was acting the way he was acting.. I was scared and concerned. I knew his behavior was narcissistic, However, I did not know what to call it at the time, I was 2 young. I knew I was a decent person and he was not! and I wondered what was wrong with him! was this serious or just a momentary thing... I was deeply concerned, because he was acting like a 3 year old, and I was a child. I did not need to go through that! I needed an adult to take care of me not some prison level scum!

Little did I know that he had no money to be skiing. He was using my mother for these adventures.. He had nothing but was living like an upper middle class-man. a few years later and the jig would be up and he would disappear! He would be gone!

Ive met sociopaths like my father. I ve hung with them, talked to them and watch how they created families and destroyed them. Ive watched how they take no blame for the complete neglect of there children and feel no remorse! and they see everything and could careless. They have no human connection to anything! All is contempt toward the human race.

These people attempted to recreate middle classism when they had no means for such things. There lives were complete fakes. When the Jig was up, they packed up and left, and left my brothers and I! They never really returned.

I realize now I was never seen. All of my hopes and dreams were dashed. I was never cared about or seen, and never would be! Im lucky to be alive.All was a joke and a lie, as well as the friends I made and school I went to! Nothing was as it seemed. I hate the idea I thought I was safe. I was not safe!

I built a life on the sand foundation these people painted as solid. It was all a lie and would come crashing down. However, it came crashing down on the children! the parents were out of there. They're not dumb. They secretly found other families to run to and start over! They didn't get a scratch! and they forgot all about this family as if it was just fun'n. They never came back, and had not remorse! They never looked back; and into hell they shall go! However, that is really not my business or my concern. I am not an evil person and really don't care what happens to these people!

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I have to pair myself away from the memories of these people. All memories of the people or associations with these people have to be erased or eradicated in a way that separates me from my past! That I have my own free memories from my own past!

I have to remember; these are sociopaths, and nothing more! and for my sanity, all memory systems concerning these people are false! all of them. All memories must be changed, or my attitude toward such things..

These were sycophants playing games with other peoples lives, nothing more! Nothing is real when dealing with these criminals.

These people were not bad; they were evil! and I was good! and this story is the nature of decency when it is under the yoke of evil! It is destroyed and torn apart!

I must separate myself from these people and this time! I must see them for who and what they really were! When this happens, I might be able to live in the present!

The idea is to pull away from or out of the attachment of memories associated with this time. I first thought of my childhood with favor. Now I want to see it in a darker light of evil! I was in an unsafe time, and nothing could be counted on nor was anything real! I was truly alone, and do not know How I survived.

These peoples sicko lives were none of my business and its against human rights to expose children to these sycophants; its not right! Its a form of severe child abuse! and it should be stopped. I was forced into a life I did not agree to! it was like being unscripted into the army! I was just a child! This is wrong! Why should I be exposed to people like this! This is sickening! This whole society is sickening.

I have these memories that are still to tight. Im to inner-meshed within them, I cant tell who is who, or what is what! I need to be disjointed from these memories and recover my own identity! I need to save my identity from the bad guys.

Specific memories I attach to; I put emotional interest at the time! all was a lie! I was to fond and close to them! Im still traumatized by them. All was lies and I lost nothing! or I lost everything, therefore, nothing was of any value!

I lost nothing of my past life because nothing was true. I was not to put value on what I believed as a child was safe! Nothing was ever safe! It was a child's point of view! It was innocent! It was figment of my imagination. So, all memories need to be purged, and I purged out of them. My value as a person and a human is and was and will not be judged by the crude assessment of sycophantic psychotic clowns who played a bunch of innocent children into mental illness and suicide; these people should have been locked up!

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