Night B: recovery work
|
|
|
By:
|
omnicell
|
|
Mood:
|
Other
|
|
Date:
|
Nov 29, 2012
|
|
Music:
|
None
|
|
|
Take what you like and leave the rest. Im writing this stuff for myself not for the masses.+
My feelings are not write( thats a fun pun) or wrong, they are my feelings!
I give you the tip of the ice burg; not the full ice burg. Im not interested if you do not understand every motive behind my phrases.. It matters not!
What matters is; I learn to express my feelings openly until I am un afraid.. As fear causes anxiety...
I have written many blogs; and the fear has gone down... So this system is working for me.. this is the system I use in the 12 step groups. I speak about many things, most do not understand me. Some do. Yet, I get better, I feel safer to share how I really feel. My feelings are not right or wrong, they are my feelings.
Most of my life, if not all of it is based in recovery work. Church, 12 step groups, this site, God... My goals... All recovery work.
Im slowly coming back to life. It is grueling. Most is about interaction with people that do not appreciate me or see me! My true value is hidden, no one cares to go into depth to find me. .
Im lucky to be alive. Alive I am...
Im taking chances getting closer to people. I mean physically closer; walking over to a couple to grab a chair, although I don't trust them...
Sitting in a meeting not looking around at people because I don't care.
Not worrying if the girls are looking at me! This takes time, I am getting better.
Im getting stronger. What bothers me the most; the lack of appreciation by others who are next to me, and they have no idea what is going on in me. All the pain and suffering and work Ive endured to get to this point in my recovery.
I am getting a big head like Im something!
Im learning that I have to get close to find out what people think about me. When I truly know what they think about me, I can then leave them alone. Some people, I really don't care. Some people, Im scared to death of loosing. Others are good con artists with no conscious.. they lead me on and would lead me into death if they could get away with it.
-------------------
When your dealing with anxiety levels like I have , no one is going to save you in the real world. I have therapists and God and the minister and ...
The world is a strangely stuck up place of entitled privileged people that don't think about anyone else but themselves. They can be butchering cruel. Its beyond my understanding. However, they don't suffer from a debilitating condition. Or , they are not speaking about a condition like the conditions I deal with on a daily basis.
The general people in the world, the average, live an average life, they do not question things. Why should they...
I question everything everywhere; Im a bit of an intellectual. Im an intellectual with dyslexia... ! Thats a nice combo!
I am getting stronger... Its the edges of connection or reconnection that hurt so much... Im not depending on the connection cords; the foundations on both sides of the bridge are enriched and strong. . Tank foundational..
( strong, tuff strong)... Iron like. Forged through brutality!... Strong is Strong.. tuff is tuff...
I like that people like me. I do not like the idea that people that don't appreciate me will be in relationships with me. Its been this way for a long time because of my condition. As I get better, I do not have to settle for this. As I get better, I naturally repel people; the wrong people will go!
I hate the idea that I have to be strong to survive. Im a human being and that concept of human means nothing in this God forsaken concrete jungle.
I will do OK. At some-point I will be married and my apartment will be clean and my bikes will be back... And not stolen, I will be interacting again with people. I will do some kind of volunteer work..
I am fighting God. I don't want to feel it. To feel what it is like to come back to this life. I do not want to be dragged through the histories of my many deaths, that I relive them... I will do anything first before I have to go through that pain. yet, God wants me. So I am back... I have no choice.
I hate it. all of my comrades are dead or dying.. And I am alive. I hate it. I never wanted to come back to this.. I would have been in heaven and out of this place..
I wish I could save them. ALl the innocent that will die for no fault of there own.. I think of them everyday and every night, I cannot sleep at night because it. And I never will again until the end of me...
|