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New Years and stuff
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By:
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harveypdowd
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Mood:
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Lonely
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Date:
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Dec 28, 2012
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Music:
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None
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Christmas is gone and New Years is nearly here. I've never liked New Years. Having social anxiety has generally meant New Years Eve was spent alone. It's a very social holiday, more so than most, so it has never been a good one for me. I can remember in college I was working at a video store. I closed the store on new years eve and opened on new years day. I didn't care. It made the day pass without much thought. Even when i was married we never really celebrated new years. Several times I was somewhere between California and Oklahoma driving back after the holiday. One year I was in Albuquerque and slept right through it. There is always so much build up to New years eve. If you're not with someone it just really emphasizes the lonliness. I could go out but going out alone is not that much fun. When I go to a movie it is alone, etc. After a while that wears thin.
Something about a new year has always bothered me too. Don't know why. Maybe it's age. Maybe it is a reminder of what has come and gone. Maybe it's just a screwed up brain. I don't know.
I find myself being so tired of being alone yet I wonder if I'm even capable of normal relationships. I'm not sure I'm capable of real friendships let alone romantic relationships. I think the treatment I've received over the years has helped to an extent. However, it only goes so far. It can't stop the anxiety. The fear, irrational as it may be, is still there. Just like it was as far back as 1st grade.
I don't think I'm a bad person. I think I could offer a lot to a friendship or romantic partner. However, until this shield of fear is obliterated or at least weakened no one will ever know. I used to think that I was just not a likeable person. Not attractive enough, not funny enough, whatever. But I've realized I'm not great but I'm not a pile of crap either.
"So often times it happens that we live our lives in chains
And we never even know we have the key" The Eagles
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