Anxiety Self Help

Mar 22 2013, 8:12 am

My assesment has been the following and I think it's been a fair one.?
I truly believe he cared for me, but at the same time I think he still wants somewhat of a single life. I believe that showed in some of his actions during the relationship and in the end. He was having anxiety attacks if I questioned him about his phone and who was texting. He became very upset because his "women friends" were getting upset with him not responding back to them and blamed it on me. That is not the sign of someone doing whats right in a relationship for the right reasons or dealing with things correctly. I had many man friends that I gave up so as to not make him uncomfortable and I'm not walking around resentful of him for that. I believe it's the natural evolution in a relationship. He gave me an ultimatum of getting over my trust issues or he was leaving..he is now gone. I had recognized what part of this was my fault and told him I was going to go to counseling to work those things out- as an example the "snapping" at times I talked about in my first blog. He still left. In my eyes, He didn't care for me enough to stick with me and help me through this. I believe the anxiety I am having now is coming from the fact that I feel like I did screw a lot of things up in this relationship and if I would have handled some things differently I may have been able to make it work. My anxiety is bad again today and I can't pinpoint why. I guess I am blaming myself for this failure? or thinking maybe I didn't evaluate him fairly? I don't know at this point. Thank you all-talking about this has helped. One more thing, in the end of the relationship he took no responsibility at all- he has blamed me totally for the whole thing-I think that tells me something...

Mar 21 2013, 6:59 pm

one thing .you have to know where you stand on him.
is he really inloved with you if yes does it shows? (be fair with your assestment to him) OR.... he only treats you as a companion?

Mar 21 2013, 6:46 pm

Hello LS1.
I think I do understand why you have anxiety in a relationship especially with the man you are with right now(?)
It seems the guy youre with right now is not a good candidate for a long time relationship and you cannot trust him.Youve already told him your issues and yet he is sloppy to deal with your feelings.
We all need friends with opposite sex BUT we need to limit our selves how close we are to our friends to the extent that will built insecurities and threats and insults to your love ones of thier touchy feely kind of ways.I call it distances/boundaries set limits especially if one is in relationship..if your man cant give you an assurance that youre the only he loved then you would build insecurities towards him and to yourselves =anxieities=trust issue.
Even myself I cant trust that kind of man.I dont want to build insecurities to myself so I will drop and stay away with those kinds of men.
Though there's a saying that" men born polygamous" but I do believe not all men are cheaters.Just screen them and if there's signs that you couldnt trust them walk away to save yourself from hurtaches and pains in the future.
You are the one to choose which one is for you trust your instinct its your best friend never second guess yourself you already have had lots of experiences in life.
Choose wisely sometimes its better to be single than with a sh*tty relationship and you feel crap most of the time.

Mar 21 2013, 8:23 am

I have anxiety in relationships. Very, very rarely have anxiety about anything else. The rest of my life is totally intact...I'm successful,have great relationships with family, friends, co-workers.

Mar 20 2013, 11:14 am

I for one absolutely agree with Florida, which is what i was trying to say to you from the start, this could very well be a much deeper rooted problem,, which may not have anything to do with relationships directly, but maybe indirectly.
You was very vague right from the start and never mentioned if it was only relationships you have anxiety problems with, or infact other things.
If it is infact due to other reasons to, then you need to resolve these issues, before even trying to start a new relationship,tc.

Mar 20 2013, 8:33 am

Thank you all for your comments.
I actually feel a little better today for the first time in a while. I hope it lasts.:)
BTW, when I say I don't trust I am not only talking about someone cheating, but also about trusting someone with me (my feelings/my life) if that makes sense. Knowing my trust issues, he still had many single women texting/calling him and became angry because I didn't like it and he felt I was making him stop having friends. Also, he risked my life on a motorcycle that had a split tire taking me at 80mph (30 mile) to the nearest Harley store for a tire. That was my fault I allowed it to happen. The point. I am very aware of past issues and am committed to doing what it takes to overcome these and I relayed all that to him. I just sometimes have a hard time getting there. I don't always trust my own instincts because my anxiety gets in the way.I have recognized that Carolyn is correct. I keep attracting individuals who are basically not willing to work though things with me.

Mar 20 2013, 8:04 am

I was completely honest with this person from the start about my trust issues. Anytime anything negative would happen on my part I would always explain myself and the feelings behind it. He told me he understood because he also gets anxiety. So I thought he did understand.I actually felt good about the way I was progressing (my friends did also), but after 11 months he decided I wasn't progressing at the rate I needed to be. He left and became very angry-cut me off cold. I am in therapy and just last night have realized that I did attract a partner that I couldn't relax with for many many reasons.

Mar 19 2013, 11:20 pm

The reason why we seemingly keep 'attracting' partners who we can't trust or relax and let go with is because your past experiences (either childhood issues or past relationships) are dictating how you see the world. This is quite normal, but we need to recognize that this is what is happening.... that these are thoughts based on past hurts and fears, and have no relation to the current person.

The first step towards freeing yourself of these thoughts and fears, that only cause more destruction in your life, is to acknowledge that this is happening... that your past experience is dictating how you feel in an entirely new, and completely unrelated situation. The person you are in relationship with has no idea whatsoever that this is what is happening. You need to be completely honest with yourself about these feelings, and also completely honest with the other person... tell them how you are feeling, but not in a blaming way, you could say something like.. "I sometimes have difficulty trusting people in intimate relationships because of past hurt, but I would really like to move on, because I value our relationship, and I value you, and I wonder if you would be willing to help me with this? I am open to talking honestly and truthfully with you about myself, and I am willing to listen to you and help you as well in any way that I can".

Relationships can only flourish when both parties are open and honest with each other about their (often deeper) feelings. Everyone has some kind of hurt from the past in some way or another.... it's a rare person indeed who doesn't. It's about nurturing and supporting each other in our healing processes.

If the other person is unwilling to relate with you and talk with you about such deeper feelings and issues, then perhaps they are not the right partner for you anyway. You need to believe that you deserve to be loved, acknowledged and understood, and if another is not willing to do this, then move on. You also need to be prepared to do this for your prospective partner too.... it always cuts both ways. And sometimes it may not sound pretty, but communication and dialogue will always win through if you are patient, gentle, non-blaming and courageous.

It takes a lot of courage to be in relationship with another, especially with past deep hurt and grief. But you can either make the choice to face it with another, or hide away in loneliness for the rest of your life, and that is not going to create any happiness for you. Try to reach in and acknowledge your pain, and face it.... it will pay off for you, slowly but surely.

Mar 19 2013, 9:08 pm

Lots of good advise here. I just wanted to add one more observation. I am not sure this is just a relationship issue. There is most likely deeper stuff at the root and problems with dating might just be a side effect.

Its hard to tell from such a short blog.

Mar 19 2013, 8:01 pm

you seems traumatized by a painful relationship.
You said youve been single for 12 years now..it could be you still have brought the damaged for all these years? if that would be the case its past due... let it go..
forgive the person that hurt and betrayed you its not because you let that person walked away the wrongdoings but its for you in order to move on to give you peace and to see that love exist..if you dont give people a chance to show you the real love how could you be happy?
Dont put a wall that people cant see how beatiful you are inside..let go the fear and doubts the anger etc youre the one who is hurting not the one who have caused you what you become now.
May you find peace and healing soon.

Mar 19 2013, 4:41 pm

Everyone has to have a certain amount of caution in relationships. But you have to be fair as well. Unless you know for sure that someone is not treating you right, by how they talk, or act you have to give people the benefit of the doubt.
You also have to be willing to put some faith and trust out there. No, you will not always be 100% correct with each new relationship. But we all face this, it is the pitfalls of being in relationships. Sometimes it's the right one, sometimes it's not.Take things slow, and don't let your emotions and worries run wild. You're not always going to run into the wrong person who doesn't deserve your love and trust. Believe it. Relationships as well aren't perfection, we are all human and make mistakes.Give everything patience and time, including yourself.Good luck.

Mar 19 2013, 3:07 pm

editing - i didn't answer your question!

What you have to do when you want to snap, is remind yourself of a couple of things:

1. you could have the wrong end of the stick.

Just because you are freaking out doesn't mean there is any reason to freak out. You might have a reason to freak out - but you don't know it.

2. it's not a succeassful strategy.

If you are dealing with an asshole, they will sneer down on you for spitting the dummy, and you will be further disempowered.

if you are dealing with a sweetheart, you will hurt them badly, damage them, give them fear, give them frights and dangers that mean they are shellshocked and not themselves when dealing with you.

So you damage the innocent either way.


It's an absolutely appalling way of operating. You are the captain of your ship, your body, so you have to run it. Being overcontrolled is just as bad, by the way.

You have to hold yourself when you want to scream, take a time out, say it. "I'm taking a time out" or say what you aer feeling. Not teh hate and nasty that comes with it but the actual feeling "I'm really stressed by what you are saying/doing. I need time to absorb what you are saying!"

Say the simple things and the scary stuff won't be created. "I don't think you're being fair", or "I can't understand what you are saying" - these things are not attacks, but they are often the cause of attacks.

Lots of guys will go feral on a girl because they don't understand where she's coming from and think she's out to get them "I feel like you're out to get me!" is a lot better than "you're a filthy skank" which I've had aimed at me.

Take full responsibility for what comes out your mouth, and what you do. Apologise if you do wrong and take it on board that you were wrong, and learn that you are not always right.

Just because you fear something doesn't make it true. So don't burn your bridges by acting like it's true. Find out, first. And then see what you want to do about it.

Bxx.

And remember: overreacting and flipping your lid is not the end of the world. It's if anything, a potential start of the world. It's a cause for growth or a cause for destruction and that can easily be up to you.

Go say sorry to this girl, and tell her what caused it. She might forgive you. you might have broken her heart. I don't know. I don't know what happened.

Mar 19 2013, 1:08 pm

Hello and firstly welcome to the tribe.
Basically you will never have a relationship that will work or last, if you cannot learn to trust.
nobody likes to have their heart broken or played with, or to be two timed,but by going through this, we should learn to be stronger and make a better judgement,, in other words hon, you cant go around thinking that everyone is the same.
If you are finding yourself snapping at certain things mentioned, then its obvious you are not over, what these certain things are and unless you learn to let go, how are you suppose to move forward with anybody.
Your anxiety is brought about, by your own intrusive/negative thoughts and you need to break this cycle of thoughts, by replacing them,with positive thoughts and things in your life every single day,(REPETITION and FOCUS) is the key.
If you can hang on in there and do this, then your brain will begin to accept this as your way of thinking and eventually recondition itself to think that way.
Other than that, not knowing your history and what ever the trauma was that triggered your anxiety,in the first place, its hard to give you anymore advice, other than that,anyways i wish you all the best hon,tc.