Movements
|
|
|
By:
|
omnicell
|
|
Mood:
|
Other
|
|
Date:
|
Jan 06, 2013
|
|
Music:
|
None
|
|
|
Im moving forward, its making me stronger, its also heart breaking.
Most of what Im doing in this small town is recovery.. Its not about permanent relationships. Ive lost so many.. its so hard, never to see someone that I love again.. Thus is the reality of change in this small town...
Most don't know my status level and they don't care. They see me way lower then I actually am. I never attempt to change it in there minds.
I have this need to leave, to start the process to go back to where I came from.. To complete this journey. iT is happening for me. When it does I will leave I think..
The people, places and things Ive worked with do not know me or why I am here. Ive never told anyone anything... Only the therapists.
Im getting close to rearranging my apartment. This is exceptionally important. Its about putting out more money for clothing and keeping them managed and clean, keeping the apartment clean for others to come in.
I really want to leave.. Go back to the bigger city possibly.. I keep thinking about my old girlfriend when I was in college.
------
I played this girl in one of my morning meetings.. It was interesting, Im getting better at this.. If I keep going, I will end up getting closer and closer to people, and opening up to them. I must practice and study, and learn to talk to other people then Im attracted to....
I have to keep praying for what God wants.. I still have little to know friends. no one is interested in me. Its strange. I think it has to do to others self centeredness.
I have to learn to trust God.
I have things to face: and online stuff to be with me as I go through it.
I find it funny how people bitch about being alone and not loved, then when Im alone and not loved, Im not helped or noticed and cared about..
This next several months will be difficult. I will start today working on the social studying of approach and communication... It has to be learned. The idea is to start up a conversation with anyone anywhere. Im certainly not at that level yet.
Have to go to a meeting that I don't like to pick up a bike... Nothing but sociopaths. Im slowly starting to get it. For someone reason, God put me with a bunch of sociopaths for protection through the years. . IT worked. Now its not working. The dissociative walls are down.. Im a moving target...
|