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Mind farts
I realized today that much of what I have spent the last few years doing is distracting myself from myself. The jobs I've held, the relationships I've muddled, the drugs I've taken, and the amazing amounts of alcohol I've consumed, I've just been using one form of distraction after another. What is it that I'm avoiding? Its right there.. right on the edge of my vision. I get so close, then I close my eyes. Why? Cause some things are best left unseen. Because you can't pretend once you know the truth. And pretending is something I've worked hard at. I've gotten so good that I've been able to convince myself for staggeringly long periods of time. My anger is something I've only recently begun acknowledging. That it's beginning to get out of hand here and there is something I'm not sure what to do about. It's always been inside me. This white hot and violent rage. But I worked hard when I was quite young to stuff it down and keep it under wraps. It's never taken control, at least not for any period of time, but I fear that it might be getting to that point. What happens then? Do I lose my mind and hurt someone? Myself? It feels like that might happen. It feels that overwhelming.
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