MB: Am I good enough?
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By:
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omnicell
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Mood:
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Other
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Date:
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Nov 30, 2012
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Music:
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None
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Take what you like and leave the rest!
This is a really short blog:
Everything takes courage!
Im defending myself and my position and my beliefs. However, Im still alone. Can there be a correlation?
Im afraid of being hurt: Yet, Im still alone. Am I not being hurt by being alone?
If Im afraid of making mistakes; can I not consult someone about the situation to gain correct feedback before I enter the challenge..
Its all uncomfortable, it all requires courage.
Low self esteem and many other problems inhibit me from leaving my apartment and living. The anxiety is the excuse. However, Im responsible for my recovery. Through feedback, the resolution of these problems, I think take action for a sense of release and relief.
Anxiety makes me think about myself all the time. My self and my problems, to the point that nothing else exists.. And no one else exists...
I hate being judged by idiots; I want to protect myself. However, am I protecting myself at this point by not living or staying alone.
Another approach to protecting myself is taking assertive action in the middle of the pocket; the pocket is that place that Quarterbacks in football find them selves when they need to throw the ball before they get crunched by the enemy( the defending team).
Im going to wait until Im better, to take chances
Im going to wait until Im healthier
Im going to wait until its safe
Im going to wait until I like myself a bit more
Im going to wait until Im responsible enough to be around human beings
Im going to wait until until I ready
Im going to wait until Im not angry and freaked out by the PTSD
Im going to wait until Im not a freak
Im going to wait until the other person doesn't think Im a freak
Im going to wait until someone rescues me from myself
Im going to wait until my symptoms go down
Im going to wait until Christmas
Im going to wait until or after I buy one more new thing
Im going to wait until I can wash my cloths, clean my apartment, stop buying stuff, stop getting stuff ripped off
Im going to wait until Im not scared
Im going to wait until Im sure
Im Going to wait until the other person is sure
Im going to wait until the coast is clear
Im going to wait until the real me, the 8 year old can come out and take over
Im going to wait until the right time
Im going to wait until the other person is not damaged
Im going to wait until Im not damaged
Im going to wait until Im looking good
Im going to wait until I cant be taken advantage of
Im going to wait until you reject me
Im going to wait until I know you better
Im going to wait until you know me better
Im going to wait until I look better
Im going to wait until I understand that you understand
Im going to wait until you show me
Im going to wait until you want me to show you
Im going to wait until Im not bashful
Im going to wait until you accept me
Im going to wait until you show me you have accepted me
I going to wait until I win, I win first sucker
Im going to wait to set you into my trap
Im going to wait until I see you setting me in your trap
Im going to wait until Im ready to fall into your trap
Im going to wait until I trust you enough to be trapped by you
Im going to wait until I cant breath anymore
Im going to wait until I know you wont hurt me
Im going to wait until I know I wont hurt you
Im going to wait until Im fixed
Im going to wait until you get help
Im going to wait until you bow before me
Im going to wait until you prove you will bow before me
Im going to wait until I know for sure
Im going to wait until all the fear is gone
Im going to wait until you show me some integrity
Im going to wait until you show me Im first, and no one else
Im going to wait until I know you love me
Im going to wait until I know you hate me
Im going to wait until I know I love you
Im going to wait if I cant decide if I love you or hate you
Im going to wait until you change
Im going to wait until you understand that you cant have me
Im going to wait until I understand that you might be taken
Im going to wait, Im selfish
Im going to wait, your lying, I don't believe you
Im going to wait just to prove
Im going to wait just to win
Im going to wait because Im in love with myself
Im going to wait because Im sick of being in love with myself. . .Its getting boring, and the fire is getting cold.
Im going to wait, because you will reject me
Im going to wait because Im not thinking clearly
Im going to wait because your not thinking clearly
Im going to wait because Im crazy, and Ive been alone to long and don't know how to handle you or what it is like to be with some one other then myself
Im going to wait because Im God
Im going to wait because I control the universe
Im going to wait because Im scared. Scared to death
Im going to wait because because you really don't know me
Im going to wait because I really don't know me, and Ive been lying to you
Im going to wait because this is to real for me, it brings up to much pain
Im going to wait because of what other people will think
Im going to wait because of what you think
Im going to wait because Im not good enough
Im going to wait because I can get better
Im going to wait because you can get better
Im going to wait until I find out
Im going to wait until you find out
Im going to wait until you loose weight
Im going to wait because I live as a child in my fantasies
Im going to wait because Im trying to destroy my self and win …
Im going to wait out of deep hate
Im going to wait because I am the master God
Im going to wait because Im powerful, all power
Im Going to wait because I want to run away
Im going to wait because the light says go
Im Going to wait because I hesitate
Im going to wait because I cannot express my feelings around you
Im going to wait because you purposely wont express your feelings around me
Im going to wait until your perfect
Im going to wait until Im perfect
Im going to wait until Santa brings me a present
Im going to wait until you believe in Santa
Im going to wait until I can get away with it
Im going to wait until you can get away with it
Im going to wait until you get the secret signal
Im going to wait until you signal me
Im going to wait until you get it. When are you going to get it
Im going to wait until I get it. When am I going to get it?
Im going to wait until I can hide everything
Im going to wait until you refuse to look at anything
Im going to wait until you refine yourself
Im going to wait until I refine you
Im waiting because I think more about you then me
Im waiting because Im more obsessed about you then me
Im waiting because Im more obsessed about me then you
Im going to wait until I feel good enough about myself
What am I waiting for?
Im going out the door!
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Im discovering that life is pain and fear. The dealing of it, and facing of it.. Its that simple. That is the answer, the bottom line. Its facing fear and taking chances.. its not about how I feel about myself, or if Im good enough, or I feel Im bad enough. . Its about taking chances and not caring about how I feel about he outcome… I did not want this to be the answer, for this is the hardest answer.. Nothing is easy.. and an easier softer way is not possible. Therefore, I decided to quit; I got nothing from quitting but talking in circles. So action is the answer, and learning to deal with the uncomfortable outcomes; no excuses. I do what I have to do regardless of what the other person thinks. THis is a new brutally horrifying strategy. It will work. Its guaranteed. No fear and all action. Im sure there will be a result! God help me! for thinking like this… Courage is the only answer. I was hoping for something more humane.
It is this new way of thinking that Im looking to work my way into. Learn how to negotiate the outside world to my favor, to my special form of survival
My antennas are broken: I am no good at deciphering who is good for me and who is not. Therefore, action is required regardless of the direction. Either I ask for advice and help; thus humbling myself, or I go for it, jump in, and deal with the results later, or stop carrying about the results regardless if I win or loose.
My identities strength as been based on bullish$t
I haven't left my room…
Im not saying this is going to change over night. Its not. However, the truth is good enough, and if the truth is; the only path to success is brute force of chivalry, then so be it. I know the direction I will take… What a humiliating smashing this is going to be.
I wish I did not revolve around the world, and it revolves around me: However, I revolve around the world, it does not revolve around me! If Im afraid of not being good enough, it makes no difference, I still have to go for it. And this is the hardest thing in the f@cking world… I have to give up and go through my negative feelings.. I have to bust right through and go forward anyway.. I feel like Im a traitor to all those armchair victims that have been waiting for the world to stop and take care of them, feed them.. love them…
waiting gets me one thing: to wait!
This will not be solved in a day… However, Im creeping up on the anxiety that stops me.
Once I understand that anything real in the present is better then a kingdom from my past or my fantasies, things are going to open up for me.
When I stop being in love with myself more then the other person, things are going to open up for me.. Its not all about me.. Its like Im lip locked with myself. Im so into me!…. I don't even know another world is outside of me… Its so embarrassing..
All I think about is me!, no wonder I don't have a girlfriend…
This is so embarrassing..
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